BAILIFF: The court of Who-Gives-a-Crap presided over by Judge Couldn’t-Give-Two-Shits will now come to session in the case of Hawthorne Heights vs. Victory Records head Tony Brummel. Please rise.

JUDGE: Thank you, Wilbur. Now in the interest of my seeing the links today, I’m not going to review the main points of our last session, though I would like to remind the jury of the key points “rotten zombie cock” and that “the band and the label suck a fat one.” That established, I believe we can move on. Now, am I to understand that the defendant has decided to file a countersuit? Wow, I really couldn’t give two shits.

DEFENDANT: Objection your honor! That was a really lame joke.

JUDGE: Sustained. Tony “Fucking Victory” Brummel, would you please explain your case?

DEFENDANT: Thank you, your honor. The case filed by the plaintiffs in this action is really about greed, despite the unfounded and spurious laundry list of allegations made concerning Victory Records.

The plaintiffs are now willing to say anything — no matter how untrue or defamatory — as a strategy designed to free themselves from their legal obligations to the independent record label that made them famous, in favor of the ’greener pastures’ and financial inducements offered by so-called ’major’ record distribution companies. Like those Virgin Records bitches! If I see them hanging around those screamo motherfuckers, I’ll break some fucking kneecaps! Those motherfuckers still owe me two records that better not suck or else there might be some unfortunate consequences... just sayin’, yer honor.

JUDGE: Well spoken Mr. Fucking-Brummel. I can see from here that three of those suburban, tight pants-wearing, whiny bitches have indeed shat themselves. Well, I guess that means I have to call a recess. We shall reconvene whenever I give a shit. Adjourned.

* * *

The preceding has been a broadcast of Trash Television. No one involved with Court Who-Gives-a-Crap has any legal experience or expertise or an IQ higher than 22. Please patronize our sponsors by phoning the following 900 numbers. Thank you.

So, your friend is in a band. A common occurance these days. My friend-to-band ratio is pretty high, and my acquaintance-to-band ratio is even higher. If I meet your friends, I’ll assume they’re in bands too because just like stereotypes, assumption saves time. I’m all about saving time. I even invented daylight savings time because I love it so much. So If I can assume your friend is in a band, I can assume the conversation will take on a typical form.

First, intros will be made. We’ll talk about classes, maybe some movies we saw and liked, then probably types of music we enjoy. Do you like this band? Yeah, they’re okay. I like their earlier stuff better, but the new album is decent. Yeah, what about this band? Sure, I got the album before their newest one. That’s a good one... and so on and so forth. We’ll eventually and coincidentally get to a band that sounds similar to the band your friend is in. And as a courtesy, or if I’m genuinely interested, I’ll ask if they have any recordings on CD.

Well, we don’t have any CDs.

How about a website?

We’ve got a MySpace page. You can stream our stuff and friend us. We’ve got a show coming up in a small town that is hard to get to, if you’re interested.

Hmm... no CDs, not even a lowly mp3 somewhere?

You can hear us on YouTube, some songs from our last show are on there and Tyler skateboarding outside before we went on stage.

Alright, conversation over.

I don’t need to go into the vices of these two sites, do I? MySpace is well-known, and YouTube has 34 million viewers in August according to Billboard.biz, all posting dreams of instant recognition and acknowledgement in shitty DV format. YouTube isn’t just for music. It’s for skateboarding videos, funny accidents, video diaries, and the bottom of the barrel of just about anything you can think of.

Now, thanks to the popularity of the site, imitators are springing up. Microsoft has started Soapbox and Sony recently bought video-sharing site Grouper.com for $65 million. Now we can see bad videos (music or otherwise) on multiple conglomerate-owned servers, ironically talking about the problems of our mass consumerism. Oh, and visit my merch store at Cafe Press.

Soapbox has started up to a limited, invite-only audience, but it’ll soon open to everyone. Soapbox’s forerunner, Microsoft’s MSN Video was once popular, but YouTube and Myspace ecclipsed it long ago, tripling and quadrupling their users respectively. "We’re definitely not blind to the fact that YouTube has a big lead right now," said Rob Bennett, general manager of MSN’s entertainment and video services. "It’s really early days in online video. This is still act one." Please be a one-act play.

I don’t know about you, but when I discover I’ve forgotten my iPod/giant binder of CDs/anything that keeps me from listening to Mix 97 in the car, I have the urge to bang my head on the steering wheel. (I’ve actually done this. Not a great plan. Beeping your horn for no reason at a stoplight does not make new friends.)

Once I’ve resigned myself to my fate, I stick to one of two freqs: the "oldies" station, in the off chance that they might play "Hang On To Your Ego" by The Beach Boys, and the college radio station, because, damn, the chick who does that Indian music show sounds F-I-N-E.

But if I venture away from those spots on the dial, I suddenly feel the need to drive into a tree (or even better, certain radio transmitters), because let’s face it, kids: commercial radio is the worst thing since the dudes from Atreyu were like, "Hey, let’s like... uh. Let’s. like, be in a band but be all goth and shit but. like, trendy. Do you know how to put on eyeliner?" If the radio actually repped what’s been released in this joint for the past 50-odd years, Led Zeppelin’s catalog would boast, oh, maybe five songs.

But wait! There’s hope (kind of)! Last week, the FCC announced that it will be holding six public hearings on "media ownership issues." Allow me to translate: "Media ownership issues" actually means "yeah, we know we let Clear Channel go all Pac-Man on radio stations and you’re forced to hear ’Livin’ On A Prayer’ 57 times a day, but mannn, we was stooooned."

Chairman Kev Martin sez: "Public input is integral to this process [...] I look forward to hearing from the American people on a variety of subjects at these hearings such as the impact of the Commission’s rules on localism, minority ownership, and various types of programming like independent and religious programming and children’s and family-friendly programming."

Allow me to clarify: "We actually have no idea where all the independence and localism went in radio. I think it has something to do with that Clear Channel dude. One day we woke up, and it was all gone. Anyone have ideas? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?"

Oh, but ain’t that America for you and me? Ain’t that America? Chevy Trucks are something to see, baby! Ain’t that America, home of Chevy! And I mean, who really gives a crap about rocks, anyways? It’s not like when you see a rock on the ground, you think, "Hey, I want to buy that," or, "Gosh, I have this sudden urge to go over to my local Chevrolet dealership and buy a solid, dependable, four-wheel drive truck."

So take that, Seger! No longer will your kitsch ballad "Like A Rock" be plastered all over advertisements for the American automobile company. According to Automotive News, the marketing team for the corporation at General Motors has enlisted none other than John "Cougar" Mellencamp to assist them with their next ad campaign.

Apparently, the budget for said campaign will run at around $400 million; chump change considering the types of revenues that the Cougar could bring them with his sweet, sweet-loving, adult-contemporary MOR. But wouldn’t someone like Don Henley be better? He could sing "Silverado" and maybe even do a Beatles’ "Free As A Bird"-esque duet with Johnny Cash (or Jamie Foxx impersonating Cash) on it. Now THAT would sell.

You know what they say: Mellencamp fights authority, but authority always wins. Walk tall, Johnny. Walk tall.

Poor, poor EMI. All they try to do is give music to the people, and heartless thieves like "Clayton" of claytoncounts.com try and take it all away. You think you’re so cool, Clayton? Trying to make a mash-up of Sgt. Pepper’s and Pet Sounds? Trying to release it on your website? "The Beachles"? Bet you thought that was a pretty clever name, huh? I bet you wish all music could be made with only a hammer and sickle, don’t you Clayton? Shameful. And to think that you made money doing it really makes me -

Oh, wait, it was all released for free on his website? He actually didn’t make any money? Oh, well, whatever... just think about all the money EMI is going to lose from this! That’s what sucks about being the CEO of a major company. Everyone thinks it’s all glitz and glamour. Not so. You can’t catch any tax cuts from the government, you can’t get laid, and everyone’s going around taking your commodities and mashing it all up. I say suing this "Clayton" for $30 million is just a drop in the bucket of what needs to be done -

Oh, wait, in EMI’s lawsuit, they also want the IPs of every individual who downloaded it? The dates and times they were downloaded, as well as the number of times each IP downloaded the mash-up? Umm, I guess that’s cool, too. Taking it a step farther. Reeeallly teaching these people a lesson. I’m sure you all remember what happened when The Grey Album came out, in protest of EMI’s wishes. Ever since its release, no one has bought The White Album or The Black Album. And more than likely, no one will, ever again.

In a perfect world, of course, an EMI board member would be able to stand over all of our shoulders every time we sat down at a computer and would flick our ears when we tried to download or copy any music. But hey, we have to make due with what we got. That’s why we need to nip this one in the bud and support EMI’s totally legitimate and necessary $30 million lawsuit against one man. If we can just do that, then we are one step closer to our ultimate goal: that one day, people, one sweet day, music will be completely organized, regulated, and sterile.

You probably heard about this when you picked up your copy of The New York Times this morning. Personally, I print the online edition out every day and wipe my ass with it. I usually save the sports pages for last, though. It’s good to read on the can and always the last square to go. You know how it goes. Anyhow, this excellent story about the radio industry was pretty hard to ignore. It seems broadcasters are having a bit of trouble, especially those folks over at Clear Channel. According to the NYT story, the communications giant is considering selling some of their 1200+ stations, especially those in smaller markets. The article cites the sale of radio stations by CBS, Disney, and Susquehanna Broadcasting as precursors to such a move.

Of course, the mid-to-late ’90s was a great time to be in the radio business. The Telecommuncations Act of 1996 allowed companies like Clear Channel to gobble up radio stations by the dozen. In turn, the company pulled in record profits. Clear Channel founder L. Lowry Mays swam in pools of champagne and dined on meals of fresh horse. He cleared brush with future presidents and shook hands with dignitaries. He gave pennies to immigrants and sipped crude oil from a twisty straw. Okay, maybe not ALL of that is true, but the point is, he was filthy stinkin’ rich. Got it? But now, he swims in olympic-sized pools of water, just like the rest of us.

Obviously, traditional radio has fallen on tough times due to the alternatives. Satellite radio, iPods, and online streaming have all contributed to this decline. According to Arbitron ratings, and as reported by the NYT, the amount of time people tune into radio over the course of a week has fallen by 14% over the last decade. Much of this decline is due to the failure of traditional broadcasters to adapt to new technology and the internet. However, more recent attempts by traditional broadcasters include implementation of HD Radio, introducing experimental formats, an emphasis on more local content, reducing the length of ad spots and offering more user-friendly online streaming. Only time will tell if it’ll make a difference.

Truth be told, HD Radio is years away from mainstream use. Until then, expect some significant wheeling and dealing. Who knows, maybe there’s hope for the medium of radio yet.

The unfortunately named eDonkey was the latest peer-to-peer service to receive a fisting from the RIAA. But damn those suits and their magical latex gloves; every time they pull out their arms, it’s covered in Benjamins. The two shmucks in diapers, Sam Yagen and Jed McCaleb, got 30 million dollar enemas from Mistress, and all she could say was, "another domino falls." How ominous. When you name your company after the whipping post of the animal world, you are bound to get a lashing, I guess.

But this hole thing is for nothing but kinky kicks. There will always be a way to get free shit. Whether it’s really getting your elbow dirty, Youtube’n, torrents, or the Hype Machine, new technology will continue to be made available. Better than it was before.

Better. Stronger. Faster.

Lee Majors can do what he wants to stop it, but what he has to realize is that even though you’ve shut down yet another P2P service with your bionic arm and $6 million bank roll, creativity always works faster than the courts. And I still have hundreds of gigs worth of music that I did not pay for. I don’t know what to download right now, though. The choices are so broad that I can barely focus on one thing. What are you downloading?

John Milton: Who me?
Mr. Pants: Yeah, what should I download? Is anything coming out this week?
John Milton: If steep, with torrent rapture, if through Plaine,
Soft-ebbing; nor withstood them Rock or Hill,
But they, or underground, or circuit wide
(lines 299-301 from Paradise Lost: Book VII)
Mr. Pants: Dude! Send me the link.
John Milton: Done! Wait ’til you hear W.A.Y.U.H. You’ll bust a nizzut. -Mr. Pants

This just in: Capitol Records has decided to make a substantial move into the indie and left-field areas of the music industry. In addition to their recent signing/perversion of Interpol, the well-known experimental quasi-Joy Division tribute band, they’ve also added The Decemberists (aka ’no more than 3 minutes of prog per album’) to their roster. They’re also apparently seeking to ’develop’ the UK’s own Lily Allen, who is so avant-garde that her first single went STRAIGHT to NUMBER ONE!

Capitol has already had success with these avant-garde acts, of course. Who can forget the bizarre act known as The Magic Numbers, with their penchant for facial hair and corpulence balanced by their use of mystical instruments such as spoons, a zither, and even an accordion on occasion. LCD Soundsystem have been another big success for the label, with their tap-dancing rhythm section a constant source of interest amongst listeners hitherto only exposed to the Top 40.

It’s great to see a major record label finally accepting some of the weirdest acts around. Next month, Capitol is lining up moves for one of Britain’s finest exponents of experimental electronica, Robbie Williams, and word is that they’re also planning to sign legendary American beat-boxer Justin Timberlake. Finally, on their list of future conquests, they’re also sniffing around a Liverpool-based beat combo known as The Beatles, who are shrouded in mystery and eclecticism.

Well, at least the Europeans give a shit. You see, Vivendi’s subsidiary, our good friends Universal Music, have announced plans to acquire an itty bitty company known colloquially to a few industry insiders as BMG Music Publishing. Now, before you shoot yourself in the head (in this case colloquially known to teenagers everywhere as "dying for the sake of art"), take some solace in the fact that a group of European indie labels are making their dissent known.

Impala Independent Music Companies Association, which includes such heavy hitters as Beggars Group and V2, has launched a formal complaint against the merger. Martin Mills (pictured), Chairman of both Impala and Beggars Group, commented, "The strength of Universal in recording music would make this merger bad news for artists and music. It will also be particularly difficult for the regulators." By way of a response, BMG financial director Thomas Rabe basically said, "Up yours." I mean, he didn’t actually say it, but we all know that’s what he was thinking.

Now, unlike the dear old US of A, where challenging a corporate quasi-monopoly is functionally equivalent to telling the President to steal a few million dollars out of his own pocket, Impala actually has European precedent working in its favor. Last year, the group’s protest against the Sony-BMG merger influenced a European court to overturn the European Commission’s original ruling in favor of the conglomeration. Way back in 2000, they were able to block a merger between EMI and Warner Music Group.

Moral of the story? Sometimes David does beat Goliath. Just, um, not in this country. And Merge, Sub Pop, if you’re listening out there, maybe it’s time to prove me wrong.

Taking a page from alarmist Cold War propaganda, the RIAA has recently been distributing an informational anti-piracy DVD on college campuses in an effort to educate students on illegal file-sharing. So far, there has been a largely positive response nationwide; dozens of fraternities have set up public screenings on Friday nights with free pizza and soda for all attendees. Just kidding. The DVDs are being used as absinthe coasters and lock picks.

But it’s not just alcoholic, drug-addled criminals that are railing against the RIAA’s campaign; the Computer and Communications Industry Association, the Consumer Electronics Association, and advocacy group Public Knowledge all oppose the short film. In a joint statement, all three organizations urged those cooperating with distribution to "take a closer look at the inaccuracies, distortions and contradictions in the RIAA message." Aside from the usual fine-line-legality magic tricks, the presentation provides little information and relies heavily on "real life scenario" scare tactics and bitchin’ guitar jams.

The centerpiece of the film is an interview with Derek "Mickey" Borchardt, a college student who was caught committing sonic thievery and faced heavy criminal charges. "I’m going to have to explain forever why I’m a felon," he explained. "That’s never going to go away." Because file-sharing is on the same level of social deviancy as child molestation.

In response to mounting criticism and public disapproval, the RIAA has decided to hold a quick, impromptu race around the table in their leather chairs.