Dear David Bowie,

I thought you were really sexy in Labyrinth, which came out when I was a toddler. Some two-year-olds are into Big Bird; some prefer Mr. Rogers, but I was a totally rock ’n’ roll kid, and something about the way you looked in those tight spandex leggings really shook my rattle, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, I know you’re married to Iman and all, and that you’re even making an exception to your year off from music [TMT News] to perform at the Keep a Child Alive Annual Black Ball, which your wife will be hosting. But I just want you to know that I’ll be there, November 9, at Hammerstein Ballroom, not because I really give a fuck about AIDS, but because I can’t believe I wasted the opportunity to jump your (cheek)bones when I met you last year. Now, don’t pull that "faithful husband" shit on me. I know you were banging Iggy Pop the whole time you were married to Angie. I hear you even managed to swing a few rolls in the hay with Mick Jagger.

So, I want you to think about my little proposition. You, me, backstage, AIDS benefit. It could be pretty hot. I’ll wear those little panties I wore in Lost in Translation; you can wear the aforementioned spandex...

Dance, magic dance,
Scarlett

P.S. I’m taping your appearance on Ricky Gervais’s HBO/BBC show, Extras, so I can watch it over and over again... in private.

But we interrupt this bulletin to bring you some interesting facts about the marvellous metropolis that is my nation’s capital. Tick off the ones you know, clever-clogs!

DID YOU KNOW?

 London has the highest population of underground nomadic dwellers of any capital city. They inhabit the city’s many train tunnels, travelling without direction or Oyster cards for days on end, at the mercy of the erratic train system.

 London was originally known as Atlantis, but the construction of the Thames Barrier had a catastrophic effect, which led to the loss of the ancient conurbation. The only thing remaining from the old civilisation are the red phone-boxes that acted as spiritual guides for the populous.

 Scientists predict that in 2074, a large increase in sugar intake will lead to mass evacuation after crazed Londoners riot, scouring the streets in search of the so-called ’white gold.’

 London was the scene of one of the greatest sea-battles ever recorded, in 1973, when the Queen’s armada trounced the Spanish fleet in Trafalgar Square. A large phallic column was erected (oops!) in tribute.

 The four lions surrounding Nelson were once the cousins of Aslan. The London Hippodrome was apparently a Victorian water circus, but I think the clue’s in the name y’all. One word: abattoir.

Anyhoo, the Frieze Art Fair is occurring once again. Frieze — a big European (not just British!) contemporary arts and culture magazine — puts on its pants and the FAF every October in Regent’s Park. One-hundred-sixty art galleries participate. That number was so big I had to write it out!!! The Frieze Music Festival portion will be headlined by none other than Sunn0))). Also of interest are Leopard Leg, a 10+ all-girl drum troupe from Brighton and London. Geez, BARR will have no way to compete with just his one! Oh well. At least he’s got good odds at making out with at least one. (Go for two, Brendan!)

Painting Renaissance-style murals this year on London’s hallowed walls will be:

Friday, 13 October: Sunn 0))) Russell Haswell and Florian Hecker Burning Star Core Leopard Leg

Saturday, 14 October: Liars Erase Errata Barr The Curtains

That’s how they do the dates there — seriously. You can’t make this stuff up! You want MORE information? Go to www.frieze.com then (and order your tickets!), and don’t waste my time.

When not pissing off parishes and perfecting her phony English accent (yeah, we know you live in the UK now but you’re starting to act like some of the arseholes I know who emigrated from across the ocean as fetuses and still won’t cut the cord on their faux-Brit patois), it seems Madonna has been thinking a lot about the earth’s future and others of late.

It may be somewhat old news, but reports, well, everywhere (it is Madonna after all) claim that she and husband Guy Ritchie hounded the offices of British Prime Minister Blair, the UK Department of Trade and Industry, and British Nuclear Fuels (BNFL) with a plan to battle nuclear waste with a mystical Kabbalah-developed liquid. The two believe the solution has already been successful in neutralizing radiation in Ukraine, and Ritchie (apparently a "talking pictures" director of some renown... what will they think of next?!) sent a number of letters along with scientific papers that support the healing powers of the mystical fluid. This is all a bit at odds with the unsubstantiated rumor that the couple were heard quarrelling, as Madonna scolded hubby with, "It’s nuclear god dammit, Guy! Not nuculer!"

The old gal can still stir up bad feelings and stomach bile in the most seemingly patient of peeps. Last week, a Dutch priest admitted to calling in a fake bomb threat in an attempt to stop a recent concert in Amsterdam on Madonna’s current "Confessions" tour. In Moscow on Monday, the show went on but was opposed by many religiosos, including Orthodox church spokesman Father Vsevolod Chaplin, who, speaking to Pravda online, said, "This lady has been glorifying human passions with the help of religious symbols for years... she now thinks it is time for her to crucify herself in public. It means the singer is in need of spiritual help." No offence Father, but we’re guessing the spiritual well-being of Me-donna is where it’s always been, behind the megalomanical driving force. Could she be changing her ways?

"I can write the greatest songs (wha?) and make the most fabulous films (WHAT???) and be a fashion icon and conquer the world, but if there isn’t a world to conquer, what’s the point?" she said according to The Sunday Times. "I’ve just come to a place in my life where I’m trying to really see what the big picture is and where my energy is better spent, and that’s one area I’m really concerned about."

We’ll ignore the laughable possibility of Maddy ever actually writing her own songs or making even passably enjoyable films... the concept of Madonna thinking of others is as likely as someone successfully using a stingray for a boogie-board (too soon for Crocodile Hunter jokes?). With experts claiming Madonna’s nuclear waste eradication scheme as pure hokum, at least hucksters can have a field day with the notion of magical Kabbalah water. It’s only a matter of time until we hear the following at every traveling show and county fair:

"Gather ’round ever’one! Welcome to ye ole’ medicine show. All sicknesses cured, plus possibly any nuclear ailments you may have. Get rid of yer liniments and snake oil, rosehips and riboflavin, Carter’s Little Liver Pills, mugwump specific, swamp root, Kikapoo Indian Sagwa, ’joy juice’, vegetable compound, Doan’s Pills, Dr. Williams’ Pink Pills for Pale People, milk from a witch’s tit... Mystical Madonna has all you need by the bottleful ($1.75 for a half-liter, $3.00 per liter). A couple of swigs and y’all w’all be ’I gots ta get me some o’ that kwazy kabbally potion!!!’ Sick made well, weak made strong. Scarlet fever, cooties, and "female problems" gone. Chewing and cigarette habits cured. Say ’goodbye’ to flatulence!..."

Unfortunately the one societal affliction Kabbalah liquid will never do away with is Madonna’s incessant spotlight-grabbing and media-whoring.

Tonight, the International Contemporary Ensemble begins its annual weeklong concert series in Chicago at the Hot House. I could make some kind of lame joke about the initials of this well-known avant-garde chamber group and its relation to a "hot" house, but I feel that would undermine the seriousness of this article (it is classical music, after all). So instead, how about some background? ICE was founded in 2001 for the express purpose of promoting new music and young composers while bringing this music to audiences not necessarily associated with modern classical music. Since then, they’ve performed in Alice Tully Hall in New York and the Miller Theatre at Columbia University. Their debut there was hailed by the New York Times as a "Top Ten Musical Moment of the Year" for 2003. Now, I think a listing of some concerts is due:

09.12.06 – Chicago, IL – HotHouse
Tonight will feature "classic ICE repertoire," including work by John Cage, Iannis Xenakis, Louis Andriessen, "up and coming" Du Yun, and the night closes with Steve Reich’s seminal piece "Different Trains."

09.13.06 – Chicago, IL – Elastic
Featuring the seldom-used duo of clarinet and percussion, this night will feature works by Donatoni, Stockhausen, Lobera, and Manoury, as well as new works by young composers.

09.14.06 – Chicago, IL – The Velvet Lounge
This night’s performance centers around ICE and Chicago Symphony Orchestra member Katinka Kleijn and several of her musically inclined friends. There will be works by Alvin Lucier, Bruno Maderna, Dai Fujikura, Alexandra Hermentin, and Frederic Rzewski, and a world premiere by Greg Ward written specifically for this performance.

09.15.06 – Chicago, IL – Pressure Billiards and Café
ICE guitarist will be playing both nylon and steel strings tonight for pieces by Mario Davidovsky, Julia Wolfe, Elliot Carter, Toru Takemitsu, and Peter Gilbert. As an encore, he’s preparing a new piece by Yngwie Malmsteen called "Dungeons of HELL!!!"

09.17.06 – Chicago, IL – Green Mill Cocktail Lounge
09.17.06 – Chicago, IL – The Hungry Brain
Thankfully enough, modern music fans will not have to make the tough choice of whether they want to see the balls-out craziness of eight piano hands performing pieces by Ligeti, Kurtag, Messiaen, Schoenberg, Brunswick, Bartok, Tsai-Yun Huang, and three (count ’em, three!) world premieres OR some of the more interesting improvised music in America. Your day’s plan should look something along the lines of going to the Green Mill at two to see 40 fingers flying, then heading directly over to The Hungry Brain for the 10 P.M. improvised show (you’ll need that much time to get there due to Cubs-related IQ-deprived activity... ugh).

09.18.06 – Chicago, IL – Katerina’s
And for you classical lovers out there, the final night of the festival will feature works written before 1940 – outside ICE’s usual scope. However, these pieces will be subjected to some interesting arrangements and will feature some very special guests from the Lyric Opera Company and the Chicago Symphony Orchestra. Among the advertised "four + hours of nonstop classical" will be Bach’s "Brandenburg Concerto No. 5" as well as other popular favorites. Sorry, no karaoke.

Dude! Fucking... DUDE! Get over here! Check this shit out! You know the dude from The Village People? Victor Willis? The black dude?

Yeah, he got busted, man. Ha! Can you imagine that! The police chief would be all like "arrest that dude from The Village People," and the police would be like "which one??," and he’d be like "The one that looks like a cop," and then shit would get all Benny Hill as they all try and arrest each other. Or maybe the chaps would give it away, I don’t know.

But, yeah. Dude got arrested for drugs and weapon possession, proving that even if you’ve turned yourself into pretty much the go-to guy for lame humorists looking for a gay joke, it doesn’t mean you can’t party like a rockstar!

Willis was arrested back in March (NEWSFLASH TMT SCOOP MUST CREDIT TMT) but was given an eight-month suspended sentence this Wednesday. He also... Oh.

Er, he also has to attend a 30-day programme at the Betty Ford Center for treatment for, uh, drug addiction. Shit. This, er... This isn’t very funny any more. Er, I feel kinda guilty now.

Willis released a statement in June, at the start of his trial, saying "The nightmare of drug abuse is being lifted from my life... Now that the haze of drugs are gone, I’m thinking and seeing clearer now than I have in years... I’m looking forward to living the second part of my life drug free."

Good for you, dude. Good for you. I’m, uh, going to go and sit somewhere quiet and think about what I’ve done.

The site message was polite and optimistic: "Yes, it’s the end for Arab Strap. After 10 years, six studio albums, three live albums, and all manner of everything else, we’ve decided the story should come to a close. There’s no animosity, no drama, we simply feel we’ve run our course and The Last Romance seems to us the most obvious and logical final act of the Arab Strap studio adventure. Everybody likes a happy ending!... It is midnight on the 8th of September 2006 and I have just opened a beer. Cheers."

Well it’s 7:03 am on September 10, 2006 as I start to write this, and I have just opened a beer too, but it’s not making me feel any better about the break-up of Arab Strap. It’s true that everybody likes a happy ending, but everybody loves more tales of sexual conquest, crises, and confusion, bitter ass-ends of relationships, quick cummers and two-stroke wonders, nights of binge drugging and drinking, and "blood on the johnnie" too, don’t they?

Malcolm Middleton (mostly music) and Aidan Moffat (mostly lyrics) started Arab Strap in the central Scottish town of Falkirk in 1995 and quickly gained a reputation as dour, snarky cynics. C’mon...you start singing stuff like "They’ve seen me in the shower with shit down my legs" and "Smelling my fingers on the way back home" and next thing you know you are pigeonholed into that commonest of labels, the miserable/drunk/pervert band (FYI... rumored to be the next new Grammy Award category). Fortunately, the band was more known and revered for its dramatic musical originality and lyrical nous, a heady concoction that few bands — especially two-piece-based ones at that — could ever equal. To rub salt in others’ wounds, the ’Strap also pulled off getting a song in a commercial for a product that is actually cool. The classic debut single "The First Big Weekend" was snagged by stout giant (?) Guinness for one of their popular UK ads.

So now it’s 9:34 am (yes, it took me that long to write the nonsense you just read), and I’m considering draining the maraschino cherries and vanilla extract from the cupboard for a quick brain buzz while I reminisce about embarrassing fumbles with ex-loves and lost plastered weekends, but mostly about a band that wrote about such things with much more thought and dauntless honesty than I ever could.

Not surprisingly, Moffat and Middleton will go out with a celebratory bang, not a confectionary-assisted whimper, by issuing a career-spanning compilation entitled Ten Years of Tears and touring the UK in November and December. The album is expected on October 23 in the UK through on-and-off-and-on-again label Chemikal Underground (early 2007 in North America) and will feature a good representation of the band’s back catalogue of lusty smut: early demos, unreleased and live tracks, B-sides and sessions, plus all the "hits." Speaking to the NME, Middleton explained the track choices thusly: "Sometimes the albums were a bit stifled because we were worrying too much about making a good album. I think that live versions of songs and b-sides etc show a truer, more relaxed side to the band. Ten Years of Tears can serve both as an introduction to Arab Strap and also a fitting finale to those people who have followed us along the way."

The tracks of their Ten Years of Tears:

1 Preface: Set the Scene 2 Islands (original 1995 demo) 3 The First Big Weekend 4 Gilded (live from first ever show) 5 I Saw You (first John Peel session) 6 The Clearing (single version) 7 Packs of Three (acoustic, live in studio 2006) 8 (Afternoon) Soaps 9 Rocket, Take Your Turn (Fukd ID 12") 10 To All a Good Night 11 Turbulence (Bis remix, radio edit) 12 The Shy Retirer 13 Blood (live 2004) 14 If There’s No Hope For Us (rogue version) 15 Where We’ve Left Our Love 16 The Girl I Loved Before I Fucked (full band version) 17 Oxytocin (first ever recording) 18 There Is No Ending (7" edit)

The compilation will be preceded by a 7-inch single featuring the edit of "There Is No Ending" and backed with a remix of "The First Big Weekend" by Four Tet. The good news is that after the break-up, the remaining pieces will carry on their respective solo activities. Middleton is recording the follow-up to the superb Into the Woods album with ubiquitous studio helmsman Tony Dougan, and Moffat will continue to pen his personal poemsongs and record his ongoing Lucky/L. Pierre project (a new album, Dip, is due in early 2007). The farewell tour is being planned now and includes at least the 11 dates listed below. Even if Arab Strap always rubbed you against the grain, how could you not raise a pint (and a hug) to a band who were once "disowned" by their hometown of Falkirk after branding it as boring, run-down, and full of violent druggies and alcoholics?

The last live romance:

11.01.06 - Nottingham, England - Rescue Rooms 11.03.06 - Norwich, England - Arts Centre 11.05.06 - Portsmouth, England - Wedgewood Rooms 11.06.06 - Liverpool, England - Liverpool Theatre 11.07.06 - Bristol, England - Thekla 11.08.06 - London, England - Scala 11.29.06 - Manchester, England - Academy 3 12.01.06 - Edinburgh, Scotland - Cabaret Voltaire 12.02.06 - Aberdeen, Scotland - Tunnels 12.03.06 - Glasgow, Scotland - King Tut’s Wah Wah Hut 12.04.06 - Glasgow, Scotland - King Tut’s Wah Wah Hut

For those of you who thought there was already enough information about The Beatles out there – you were wrong! Just in time for Part 2 of my article on the Genius of Yoko, Mrs. Lennon herself has opened up her archives to documentary filmmakers David Leaf (who was also involved with America: A Tribute to Heroes in 2001 and John Scheinfeld for a new endeavour called The U.S. vs. John Lennon).

The film will take place between 1966 and 1972, the years when the Lennonos were very busy campaigning for Peace, with events such as their "Bed In" or "Bag Peace." Of course, we all know how much the United States loves the idea of Peace, so you probably get the picture as to what the tension was like between various U.S. Government officials and the newlyweds. For those who aren’t familiar with the story, John Lennon faced many hurdles in his attempt to obtain U.S. citizenship. Apparently, Elvis wasn’t too keen on the Peacemaker residing in his country and was out to ensure The Beatles collective were nowhere near it. Poor Presley didn’t realize that the only thing Ringo was capable of was an atrocity, such as his cover of Hoyt Axton’s "No No Song."

In a press conference regarding the film, Yoko stated, "Of all the documentaries that have been made about John, this is the one he would have loved." With footage culled from the couple’s home movies and various incomplete cinefilm, the film will be one to watch out for. The U.S. vs. John Lennon is being shown at the Toronto Film Festival today and will open in New York on September 15. It will get a wider U.S. release on September 29.

Dear Whoever is Currently Thrashing a ’61 Fender Jazzmaster and Pretending to Be J Mascis:

Great job. No, seriously, I bet you’ve got a ticker-tape parade in the streets of Brooklyn in your honor. Ripping off Dinosaur Jr is really one of the most rock ’n’ roll jobs you could have possibly done. Hell, maybe if you’d told them about it beforehand, they would have congratulated you on your disrespect for authority and actually given you all the gear they’ve lovingly collected over the years.

Except for the fact that Dinosaur Jr bear little resemblance to anything even closely related to the so-called "Man," and you don’t actually know how to shred an axe. Just coke. With strings from a B.C. Rich Warlock bass. Wow, how could I have been so stupid!? Everyone knows razorblades are like, so 1978.

I take it all back. Upon further introspection, it’s obvious that you really, really needed a trailer’s worth of equipment from Dinosaur Jr. I know you just don’t have the patience to wait for Shakira’s upcoming set at Madison Square Garden. Besides, her gear is totally beat. You made the right choice.

Love & Mace
heidi vanderslice

In a rash and unsubstantiated move, Be Your Own PET drummer Jamin Orrall has given up the stable life of a touring musician to join the dangerous and reckless world of college students. Sure, there may be beer-pong and girls, but there is also a Big Brother-esque facebook team watching you! Along with classes and all that jazz. Don’t look at me, I went to tech school for comedy news writing. Did you know you can double major in indie rock news and refrigerator repair? We live in a wonderful world.

Orrall, who has yet to disclose his list of dream schools and safeties, will spend his time focusing on his own record label Infinity Cat and his band Jeff, formed with his brother Jake. It has not been confirmed whether Ecstatic Peace head honcho and general man-about-town Thurston Moore is going to replace Orrall on drums, but time will tell. Given the success of his daughter Coco Gordon Moore’s band The Lightbulb, Moore might be tempted to pick up the drumsticks. It would be Moore’s first foray into live music.

Awww man, this is one of those news pieces so joyful to relate that I just can’t help but sit here writing with a big fat smile all over my angular, beautiful, yet somehow equine features.

Most of you will have heard of Paris Hilton. And an equally large number of you, I hope, will have heard of Banksy, the legendary British "guerrilla artist" famed for his idiosyncratic and deeply socially aware works of graffiti. His work can often be seen around London and other UK cities, but he is also well-known for having the sheer guts and audacity to paint on the Israel-built security wall at the West Bank in Palestine. In short, the man’s work is vital, and even before his latest stunt, many people regarded him as a probable genius.

However, he’s recently expanded his subversive output, this time preferring to take on one of the symbols, the icons, the bastions of popular culture — one of the people that epitomises all that glisters in Western society. Hilton’s new CD was released recently in the UK, and Banksy saw his opportunity. 500 jacked CDs were planted in 42 stores across the country, replacing Hilton’s music with Danger Mouse’s wry remixes, and the cover art was doctored by Banksy to include track titles "Why am I Famous?," "What Have I Done?," and "What Am I For?," as well as statements such as "90% of success is just showing up," "Every CD you buy puts me more out of your league," and "Life wasn’t meant to be fair." Here’s the YouTube, linked from Banksy’s site.

Now, we at TMT are used to writing our news in a ’ludicrous fashion’ — just check our Wikipedia if you’re not sure — but I feel that this news is sufficiently enjoyable without my attempts at snarkiness. So I’m going to go and see if HMV are stocking the new Paris record.