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These days, anyone can have their own iPhone App, including the most unlikely of candidates. Case in point: Daniel Johnston. “Hi, How Are You” is the first ever toon-shaded 3D puzzle platform for both the iPhone and the iPod Touch, and it’s available in the Apple App store right now for $0.99. According to the press release:

The game features dynamic, physics-driven gameplay and is set in a psychedelic universe filled with the art, music, and iconic themes of renowned Johnston. The game begins with Satan turning the innocent Jeremiah into a frog and stealing the object of his affection. To win back his true love’s freedom, Jeremiah must progress through 25+ devilish levels to reverse the curse that Satan has bestowed upon him.

The game can be played by using tilt controls or a virtual on-screen joystick. Over 20 achievements can be unlocked as the game progresses, revealing original artwork from Johnston. “Hi, How Are You” was developed by Dr. Fun Fun and Smashing Studios. Screenshots, a.k.a. the next best thing, can be found here.

Hey, indie kid! Remember how you’re basically “into” the cloistered, insular, venerated, self-perpetuating, and self-mythologizing independent rock music scene in the first place because of how instinctively repelled you were by those typical schoolyard playground conceits of, you know, sports, brawn, machismo, and athletic-apparel-denoted alliances and status-symbols?

Well, cut the wussy daydreaming and sissy list-making, word-using, prose-writing bullshit, Poindexter, because NIKE doesn’t remember that shit at all. Yup. Like a perfectly spiraled red-and-black Nerf Turbo foam football headed straight for the homemade Black Flag patch on your back, here comes NIKE’s garish fucking Sub Pop shoe to knock you on your face for $150 a pair.

The new sneaker, which is bright yellow with black suede, a grey stripe, and a star for detailing, is the newest addition to NIKE’s “Quickstrike SB Blazer Elite series,” whatever the hell that means. WTF, NIKE? And I guess, perhaps more bafflingly, WTF Sub Pop?!

Hey, remember how Nirvana famously made Bleach (a.k.a. Sub Pop’s first huge success record) for $606.17? Well fuck, man, turns out they coulda just bought a pair of SNEAKERS for everyone in the band with that money instead... with plenty of cash leftover to spend on red-and-black Nerf Turbo foam footballs.

It seems as if having millions of dollars in one’s bank account (thanks to a successful music career) does not quite prevent you from bouts of uncontrollable rage. Recently Kanye West got seriously pissed at a few twitterers who were pretending to be him on everyone’s favorite micro-blogging service. Now Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler has taken the war on everything-internet-related to the next level by attempting to sue some anonymous bloggers who were impersonating him. The Judge dismissed the case since... eh, well... as nobody knew who these bloggers were, they naturally didn’t bother showing up in court (how funny would it be if one of them actually did though).

Sure, I guess most people would get annoyed at others spreading false rumors, unsubstantiated “facts,” and commenting on your mother who passed away last year, but Steven, dude, we’re talking about the fucking internet here. I get all kinds of abuse sent to my inbox as a result of writing for TMT, which I simply laugh off in the knowledge that as a TMT writer I am better than every other person who dares to venture online. As a global megastar, Mr. Tyler, I think you’ve got better things to do than waste time taking a few morons to court because they weren’t very nice on the internet. Maybe soothe your rage in your own personal Jacuzzi, sleep with your gorgeous girlfriend, or get started making a new Aerosmith album. Just sayin’...

I made that headline so I could make that picture.

But that business ain’t no lie! On July 7 (and June 23 digitally) U.K. second-wave ska royalty Madness will release their ninth studio album The Liberty of Norton Folgate on Yeproc. The band spent three years of ska, sweat, and tears and finally pulled themselves up by the Olivers and achieved their dream record and blah blah blah these guys are from England and who gives a shit! The real show is at the box set. Available for pre-order only until June 30, the box set includes a three-disc expanded edition of the new album, a vinyl copy of the standard album, and one sure spiffy poster.

And all that shit is bogus, too. The dopest of the dope stuff lies in Madness’ very own Dumbledore’s Army, the mystifying conclave of M. What is M, you indulge? Well, that’s a fucking secret to mere Muggles like you and me. That is, unless you can drop 65 bones from the throne and pre-order that sick set now, affording you an official M badge and identification card to bear wherevs you treads and the official M handbook to soak in whene’er the drought of uncertainty strikes you. In fact, legends tell of an invisible alcove at Madness’ official website where only those chosen of M are “showered with a myriad of exclusive features, content, and opportunities.” But alack, none know now of such a place, unless ye think ye have the sorcerer’s stones to join M’s eternal order today. “And so he entered and so he led me in / To the first circle of the abyss.”

Do you fuckin’ remember when ska was about short hair and trumpets?

Remember when Pepsi promised to give a Harrier Jet to anyone who paid seven-million Pepsi Points back in the ’90s? And then someone did and they didn’t and he sued? And got the freaking jet. (Or maybe he just got reimbursed for his pain and suffering with a lifetime supply of Obama’s favorite carbonated beverage. I don’t remember). Turns out Josh Freeze, studio drummer turned media savant, isn’t a liar like those Pepsi bastards. He said it and he meant it.

Last month, he released a bizarre series of limited-edition VIP packages in support of his new album Since 1972, which was released this March through his website (Nobodaddy can fill you in on the wacky specifics of the offers). Well, someone took the $20,000 bid. A 19-year-old Floridian named Thomas Mrzyglocki. Sounds like they had a rollicking good time. Here’s what Josh had to say about the whole thing in an email that was later posted on a NIN forum:

The guy from Florida that bought the $20,000 package and I have been joined at the hip since Sunday and I won’t even go into all the stuff that we’ve done in the past 4 days but I’ve already gone above and beyond for him and we’re continuing to have a blast. I’ll start posting stuff soon on my website and on youtube but just to give you a quick idea... mini-golf with Maynard James Keenan, pizza at Mark Mothersbaugh’s house, sensory deprivation tank sessions, a signed snare drum I used on a Nine Inch Nails tour, slumber party at the Queen Mary, going to gigs of mine with me, pulling items out of my closet, etc., etc.... He’s a great kid and a friend for life. We’re having him check out of his hotel and stay at our house tomorrow night. It’s a LONG, LONG story that I’ll write about later. You can laugh when I say this but it’s true when I tell you that he came into my life for a reason other than just the $$. I actually feel bad about taking the $$ because at this point I’m not hanging out with him or pretending to be his friend for the cash. He got all of his stuff (and a bunch more that wasn’t on the original menu) a while ago. He’s a sweet 19-year-old kid who’s had a really rough last couple years (like REALLY fucking rough.) Like... this money he spent to come out here is part of a inheritance he received (you can fill in the blanks there). I feel like his big brother and I’m trying to make this one of the best weeks of his life.

Although my heart-strings are breaking all over the place after reading that, a few things keeps nagging at me: I do not care about Tool, I’m not a fan of NIN, and just plain don’t like Perfect Circle. Devo’s pretty freaking cool, but I never cared about Josh Freeze until I read about this amazing offer he’s got going. I know this is completely subjective, but still, gentle readers, let me be selfish. I want something for me. Something for us. These big budget "rock-gods"? Yawn. This is what I want to see:

 For $50: You get one Julian Koster tape loop.
 For $100: Go thrift-store shopping with the K Records artist of your choice, and they’ll promise to knit you something.
 For $1,000: Choose Madlib’s new pseudonym.
 For $5,000: Be Your Own Pet will reform and invite you to a private house party.
 For $10,000: Devendra Banhart, Akron/Family, and The Angels of Light will induct you into their commune and/or cult.
 For $15,000: Indulge in some psychedelics while Deerhunter provides you and your five closest friends with a personal concert and cooks you a southern-style breakfast with grits and sweet tea the next morning.
 For $20,000: Bill Callahan will write you a song, after which you’ll head over to Will Oldham’s house to drink PBR and play with a b.b. gun before being joined by the entire Drag City Catalog for a backyard BBQ and a series of songs around the campfire.

And this is just the start. Possibilities seem endless to me.

Alrighty, lemme try to get this straight. 1983’s Trans was Neil Young’s vocoder heavy, faux-Luddite electro-flop with a cover that implied the future’s cars would be pancake-thin DeLoreans piloted by grid-lined human holograms. Neil’s new record, on the other hand, is a concept album about electric-cars. Oooookay, so while Trans is an electric car album, Fork in the Road is an electric-car album. Ah! Now I get it! Damn, I was kinda hoping that Neil had sank his ass back into his Kraftwerk pants and was gonna bring the synthesizer out of mothballs. Oh well! I hear from Rick Wakeman that synthesizers tend to get all wonky after you leave them covered in mothballs for 26 years anyway.

Neil’s new record goes hand-in-hand with his electric-car creation experiment, LincVolt. In collaboration with so-called “motorhead messiah” Jonathan Goodwin, Neil Young plans to inspire a whole goddamn generation “by creating a clean automobile propulsion technology that serves the needs of the 21st Century and delivers performance that is a reflection of the driver’s spirit.” Oh hell yes, people: first he’s gonna inspire your sorry ass with song when Fork in the Road drops April 7, then he’s gonna launch some dynadope technological innovation all up your rump and smack you straight in the cranium with some weapons-grade inspiration. Get ready for change, America!

Oh yeah, and get ready Canada, too, because your favorite son/green-minded gearhead is gonna do a wee bit of touring come April. He’s technically still touring in support of Chrome Dreams II, but apparently he’s been playing the hell out of Fork in the Road stuff live too, so who knows. You may get a mixture of both records or you may just have to watch Neil and this Jon Goodwin character work on a car for two hours. Either way, Neil Young’s gonna be there, and that ain’t never been a bad thing.

Fork in the Road tracklist:

1. When Worlds Collide
2. Fuel Line
3. Just Singing A Song
4. Johnny Magic
5. Cough Up The Bucks
6. Get Behind The Wheel
7. Off The Road
8. Hit The Road
9. Light A Candle
10. Fork In The Road

Tourdates:

04.06.08 - St John’s, NF - Mile One Centre
04.10.08 - Halifax, NS - Metro Centre
04.11.08 - Saint John, NB - Harbour Station
04.13.08 - Kingston, ON - K-Rock Centre
04.15.08 - London, ON - John Labatt Centre
04.17.08 - Sault Ste Marie, ON - Essar Centre
04.20.08 - Saskatoon, SK - Credit Union Centre
04.22.08 - Kelowna, BC - Prospera Place
04.23.08 - Edmonton, AB - Rexall Place
04.25.08 - Lethbridge, AB - Enmax Centre

Warp Records, home to such artists as Squarepusher, Aphex Twin, and Gang Gang Dance, recently merged their online store Warpmart with its MP3-peddlin’ sister site Bleep.com in celebration of Bleep.com’s fifth anniversary. Feeling somewhat obligated to actually look at the new website before writing this article, I was greatly disappointed when my browser pointed not to an online store for the Warped Tour, but to a regular ol’ respectable online music store. Now what will I do with all my lip-ring jokes and Scary Kids Scaring Kids quips?

I once went to Shabat at my local synagogue once and was surprised to discover a veritable gift store in the lobby, replete with Star of David beanie babies, Jordanic water bottles, and bedazzled yarmulkes. This is kind of what I was I was hoping for with Warpmart — you stop by to pick up your Less Than Jake tallit prayer shawl before entering the temple so that you’ll fit in.

The new mega-Bleep is regretfully absent of all Judeo-nu punk regalia, but check it out for yourself here.

A tracklist for a lover, delivered by a lover:

1. In Chains
2. Hole To Feed
3. Wrong
4. Fragile Tension
5. Little Soul
6.In Sympathy
7. Peace
8. Come Back
9. Spacewalker
10. Perfect
11. Miles Away / The Truth Is
12. Jezebel
13. Corrupt

I don’t know about you guys, but doesn’t it seem like Julian Koster of The Music Tapes has... I don’t know... changed? Ever since the acclaim for last year’s Music Tapes for Clouds and Tornadoes (TMT Review), Koster has seemingly adopted a slacker attitude. Sure, 2008 was a great year for him — Clouds and Tornadoes landed at #5 on our Favorite Albums of 2008 list; the E6 celebration he organized was a huge success; his caroling tour in support of The Singing Saw at Christmastime was met with rave reviews — but his new claim to fame has definitely effected his creative energy in 2009. First off, he hasn’t released any new music this year. C’mon, musician, do your job! Second, he’s just announced a tour, but he only booked 19 shows! That’s just downright crazy. (Why is that crazy? SHUT UP, that’s why.)

But perhaps most alarming are his new musical inventions. While his live performances up to this point have shared the stage with fantastic self-made band members like The 7 Foot Tall Metronome, Orbiting Human Circus Tapdancing Machine, The Clapping Hands Machine, and Static The Television, his newer toys are simply uninspired. Don’t believe me? Here are exclusive looks at a couple inventions he plans to bring on his upcoming tour:

They’re named "Amplified Hamster In a Wheel Thingy" and "Blender Machine Something Something." Like I said, uninspired.

02.10.09 - Austin, TX - Mohawk
02.11.09 - Norman, OK - The Opolis
02.13.09 - Tucson, AZ - Solar Culture Gallery
02.15.09 - Los Angeles, CA - Echoplex
02.17.09 - San Francisco, CA - Bottom of the Hill
02.19.09 - Seattle, WA - The Vera Project
02.20.09 - Anacortes, WA - Department of Safety
02.21.09 - Portland, OR - Backspace
02.24.09 - Minneapolis, MN - 7th Street Entry
02.25.09 - Chicago, IL - AV-aerie
02.26.09 - Ann Arbor, MI - The B-side
02.27.09 - Toronto, ON, Canada, Lee’s Palace
02.28.09 - Buffalo, NY - Big Orbit’s Soundlab
03.01.09 - Hoboken, NJ - Maxwell’s
03.02.09 - Cambridge, MA - Middle East Upstairs
03.03.09 - Brooklyn, NY - The Bellhouse
03.04.09 - Philadelphia, PA - First Unitarian Church - Basement
03.05.09 - Carrboro, NC - Cat’s Cradle
03.07.09 - Athens, GA - 40 Watt

The abridged version of the history of rock ‘n’ roll: America invented it, the British perfected it, the Japanese made it totally insane. Acid Mothers Temple, the Kawabata Makoto-helmed mountain of aural annihilation with the ever-changing lineup and name, is prepping a no-time-to-rest whirlwind tour of the United States (and three choice dates for our friendly neighbor to the north) throughout the month of April. Gongs, long beards, skull foraging, and screeching shamanistic jams are the least of what you can expect from psych rock’s most immovable object. We’re all in big trouble.

DC’s Sonic Suicide Squad, who are the self-proclaimed "no God damn jazz band," are scheduled to support all dates. With all the driving, you have to wonder what a cop pulling over their freak wagon would think upon asking for "license and registration, please"... especially in Texas. Would a good, suspenseful movie scene that would make.

04.03.09 - Los Angeles, CA - Echo
04.04.09 - San Francisco, CA - Bottom of the Hill
04.05.09 - Portland, OR - Holocene
04.06.09 - Seattle, WA - Sunset Tavern
04.07.08 - Vancouver, BC - Biltmore Cabaret
04.10.08 - Minneapolis, MN - 7th Street Entry
04.11.09 - Chicago, IL - Empty Bottle
04.12.09 - Cleveland, OH - Grog Shop
04.13.09 - Detroit, MI - Magic Stick
04.14.09 - Toronto, ON - El Mocambo
04.15.09 - Montreal, QC - La Sala Rossa
04.16.09 - Cambridge, MA - Middle East Upstairs
04.17.09 - New York, NY - Mercury Lounge
04.18.09 - Philadelphia, PA - Johnny Brenda’s
04.19.09 - Washington, DC - DC9
04.20.09 - Baltimore, MD - Ottobar
04.21.09 - Chapel Hill, NC - Local 506
04.22.09 - Atlanta- GA - The Earl
04.23.09 - Memphis, TN - Hi Tone Cafe
04.24.09 - Denton, TX - Hailey’s
04.25.09 - Austin, TX - Emo’s
04.27.09 - Tucson, AZ - Plush
04.28.09 - San Diego, CA - Casbah