As much as I love Mike Patton, his Peeping Tom guise sends constant chills down my spine. You see, a neighbor of mine named Tom once walked in on my girlfriend and I having sex. And we’re not talking about a pull-the-blankets-over-before-he-really-sees- anything walk-in; we’re talking about a-male-friend-just-saw-my- tremendously-huge-balls-slapping-and- slopping-around-like-twin-punching-bags walk-in. And though I’m not quite sure about this, I’m pretty certain he didn’t immediately back off and close the door at the site of my pruned nutz. On top of that, I’m very protective of my ballz. If you want to see them in full flush you’d better be wearing rubber gloves and a surgeon’s mask (whether you’re a member of the medical profession isn’t important, just please have the courtesy to adorn yourself like one), a 110-pound Argentine hottie, or Sawyer from Lost. So you see, the coupling of these two words — for good reason — kinda creeps me out.

Additionally, I thought the Peeping Tom album was the worst thing General Patton had done since... well, ever. It was too guest-heavy and too much like his Lovage project but not as luv-worthy. In fact, why am I writing this damn news story anyway? I could be working on my klezmer-band project or drinking my neighbor’s hot-tub water...

But hey, when you’re a fan of Patton you support him to the death! Besides, he coaxed a hearty MOTHERFUCKER from Norah Jones for the Peeping Tom album. That’s GOT to count for something, don’t it? No? Well check out these tourdates anyways. HA, didn’t think ‘anyway’ worked as a plural, did you? FACE

Snuffaloffagus balls:

03.30.07 - Dallas, TX - Granada Theatre 03.31.07 - Austin, TX - Emo’s 04.02.07 - New Orleans, LA - House of Blues 04.04.07 - Atlanta, GA - Center Stage 04.05.07 - Carborro, NC - Cat’s Cradle 04.06.07 - Baltimore, MD - Rams Head Live 04.07.07 - Philadelphia, PA - Theater of Living Arts 04.09.07 - New York, NY Irving Plaza 04.10.07 - Boston, MA - Paradise 04.11.07 - Montreal, QC - Spectrum 04.12.07 - Toronto, ON - Phoenix 04.14.07 - Cleveland, OH - Agora 04.15.07 - Chicago, IL - Park West 04.16.07 - Minneapolis, MN - Trocadero 04.18.07 - Denver, CO - Gothic 04.19.07 - Salt Lake City, UT - Depot 04.21.07 - Portland, OR - Wonder Ballroom 04.22.07 - Vancouver, BC - Commodore 04.23.07 - Seattle, WA - Showbox 04.25.07 - San Francisco, CA - Fillmore 04.27.07 - Indio, CA - Coachella Festival

Illustration: Carolina Suarez

Please don’t run away:

03.03.07 - Philadelphia, PA - Theatre of Living Arts 03.05.07 - Somerville, MA - Somerville Theatre 03.06.07 - Washington, DC - 9.30 Club 03.07.07 - New York, NY - Webster Hall 03.09.07 - Detroit, MI - Majestic Theatre 03.10.07 - Chicago, IL - Metro 03.11.07 - Minneapolis, MN - Fine Line Music Cafe 03.13.07 - Nashville, TN - Exit/In 03.14.07 - Atlanta, GA - The Loft 03.16.07 - Austin, TX - Stubbs Bar-B-Q (SXSW) 03.18.07 - Boulder, CO - Fox Theatre 03.19.07 - Salt Lake City, UT - Urban Lounge 03.21.07 - San Diego, CA - House of Blues 03.22.07 - Los Angeles, CA - El Rey Theatre 03.23.07 - San Francisco, CA - Great American Music Hall 03.25.07 - Portland, OR - Aladdin Theatre 03.26.07 - Seattle, WA - Neumo’s 03.27.07 - Vancouver, BC - Richards on Richards

Earlier today, we featured a contest called "What Would Björk say?" The comic above was filled out exactly the same as above, except the last frame had an empty quote box. We got hundreds of responses, most of them having to do with peeing or pooping. Surprisingly, there were a bunch that dealt with pizza and, unsurprisingly, lots of variations on "suck my dick" and "lick my balls." Lars von Trier was mentioned several times, of course.

Although some of the randomness (like Josia Hughes’ "Okee, I tell you eh-we-ting: he look-a like a man!" and Nicky F’s "Welcome to Mooseport, starring Ray Ramano"), crudeness (Paul Banks’ "Fuckin’ sausage fest up in herr"), and cleverness (Derek’s "No time for the ole’ in & out love, I just came to read the meter" and Jacob Harrison Jeffries’ "Why haven’t any of us moved in the past 4 frames?") are equally funny, I thought the O’Rourke comment was most appropriate for the comic and for TMT. Thus, Dan is the winner. Good work Dan, you’re reader of the month. LUCKY YOU!

01.10.07 - Oakland, CA - 21 Grand 01.19.07 - Oakland, CA - 21 Grand 02.09.07 - Oakland, CA - 21 Grand 02.12.07 - New York City, NY - Downtown Music Gallery 02.12.07 - New York City, NY - Tonic 02.13.07 - New York City, NY - The Stone 02.15.07 - New York City, NY - The Stone 02.16.07 - Philadelphia, PA - Danger House Festival 02.20.07 - Oakland, CA - Hemlock Tavern 02.25.07 - Oakland, CA - 21 Grand

All featuring combos of Weasel Walter (drums) with Damon Smith (bass), Henry Kaiser (guitar), Marshall Allen (alto), Elliott Levin (tenor), John Gruntfest (reed), Jon Raskin (reed), David Slusser (reed), Phillip Greenlief (reed), Jennifer Hicks (movement), Mary Halvorson (guitar), Marco Eneidi (alto), Marc Edwards (drums), Lisle Ellis (bass), and Elliott Levin (tenor).

It had been five days since Tiny Mix Tapes went into operation, and Shelly was excited to see how it turned out. Flashes of old memories from Geocities ran through her head — first date, first kiss, first love. She even remembered what shirt TMT was wearing the day they met. Shelly started getting nervous. What could he be doing in there still? Why isn’t he out yet? She only hoped the operation was successful. Shelly isn’t normally one for surprises, but TMT assured her she’d love this particular surprise.

"Mrs. Barry?"
"Yes?," Shelly replied.
"He’s ready to see you."

This was it. Shelly sprung from her chair and followed Dr. Rosenfield.

"Here’s the room... I’ll let you and TMT have some... privacy."
"Hey Doc... how.. how’d it turn out?" Shelly asked.
"Oh, you’ll see..." he said coyly

Shelly knocked twice and slowly cracked open the door. "Hello?" On the hospital bed was TMT, wearing see-through music reviews and a tight news story. Shelly scanned his body, with her mouth open in awe.

"Oh my god, TMT... Did.. did you... Did you do what I think you did??"
"Yeah... what do you think of it?" TMT said shyly.
"But why? I thought you were perfect... I mean, the operation looks amazing, really, but.. I hope you didn’t do this because you thought I wanted you to!" exclaimed Shelly.
"No, no. Don’t worry Shelly. I did this because I love you. You’ve been so good to me over the years, and I wanted to just... you know, spice things up."
"Well... thanks TMT. It’s amazing."
"Of course, it’s not perfect just yet. It’ll probably take through at least the rest of the year for it to be completely 100% ready... hell, you’ll even see some changes throughout the day, but I was so excited I wanted to show you now. Plus, the doctor said it’s alright if we want to... you know..."

After an uncomfortable pause, their eyes met. Shelly couldn’t help but stare at what he had done. She started smiling, giggling nervously. TMT began taking his clothes off, as Shelly thought to herself how funny it is that years of studying the cultural implications of objectification could fly out the window so quickly. It was time to get it on.