Alan Finnius Morrissey, star of stage and wet dreams, will tour the U.S. for the first time in three years starting this spring. It will be an extended tour, with nearly 50 stops planned on the three-month outing, which means he’ll probably at least be within road-tripping distance for everybody, OMG. All dates will be supported by KRISTEENYOUNG, the same Clockwork Orange-looking girl who backed Morrissey on last year’s Ringleader of the Tormentors world tour. Get out there and hear some songs about boys and girls and the YMCA and candles and shit, like, live.

Here are the dates and the bands I wish were opening for Morrissey:

04.27.07 - Stockton, CA – Bob Hope Theatre * 04.28.07 - Sparks, NV - John Ascuaga’s Celebrity Showroom * 04.29.07 - Sparks, NV - John Ascuaga’s Celebrity Showroom * 05.01.07 - Oakland, CA - Paramount Theatre * 05.02.07 - Santa Rosa, CA - Wells Fargo Center * 05.05.07 - Spokane, WA - INB Performing Arts Center * 05.06.07 - Seattle, WA - The Paramount Theatre & 05.08.07 - Salt Lake City, UT - E Center Ford Theatre & 05.09.07 - Denver, CO - Fillmore Auditorium & 05.11.07 - Omaha, NE - Orpheum Theater & 05.12.07 - Milwaukee, WI - The Riverside Theater & 05.14.07 - Ann Arbor, MI - Michigan Theater & 05.15.07 - Chicago, IL - Auditorium Theatre ^ 05.17.07 - Cleveland, OH - Playhouse Square Center ^ 05.18.07 - Columbus, OH - Palace Theatre ^ 05.21.07 - Indianapolis, IN - Murat Center ^ 05.22.07 - St. Louis, MO - The Pageant ^ 05.23.07 - Kansas City, MO - Uptown Theater ^ 05.25.07 - Dallas, TX - Palladium Ballroom % 05.26.07 - Austin, TX - The Backyard % 05.28.07 - Houston, TX - Verizon Wireless Theater % 05.30.07 - El Paso, TX - El Paso County Coliseum % 05.31.07 - Tucson, AZ - Tucson Music Hall % 06.02.07 - Phoenix, AZ - Maricopa County Events Center % 06.03.07 - San Diego, CA - Viejas Concerts at Bayside $ 06.05.07 - Ventura, CA - Majestic Ventura Theatre $ 06.06.07 - Riverside, CA - Riverside Municipal Auditorium $ 06.08.07 - Los Angeles, CA - Hollywood Bowl $ 06.09.07 - Las Vegas, NV - Pearl Concert Theater $ 06.10.07 - Bakersfield, CA - Rabobank Arena $ 06.26.07 - Boston, MA - Bank of America Pavilion $ 06.27.07 - Northampton, MA - Pines Theatre # 06.29.07 - Philadelphia, PA - Mann Center # 06.30.07 - New York, NY - Madison Square Garden # 07.02.07 - Vienna, VA - Wolf Trap # 07.03.07 - Baltimore, MD - Rams Head # 07.05.07 - Atlantic City, NJ - Borgata # 07.06.07 - Holmdel, NJ - PNC Bank Arts Center @ 07.09.07 - Norfolk, VA - The NorVa @ 07.10.07 - Knoxville, TN - Tennessee Theatre @ 07.12.07 - Clearwater, FL - Ruth Eckard Hall @ 07.14.07 - Boca Raton, FL - Mizner Park Amphitheater @ 07.15.07 - Orlando, FL - Hard Rock Live @ 07.17.07 - Jacksonville, FL - Morocco Shrine Auditorium ! 07.19.07 - Birmingham, AL - Alabama Theatre ! 07.20.07 - Atlanta, GA - Chastain Park ! 07.21.07 - Myrtle Beach, SC - House of Blues !

* Money House Blessing & Sexy Batman ^ The Special Futures % Rivlalstreetgang.com $ The Goddamned Not-it-Alls # The Police Academy Four @ Garrett Strong’s Faustian Pizza Dilemma ! Grinching an Eeyore