HEY LADIES! Not trying to stress you out, but Valentine’s Day is only a little more than 100 days away, which means you have only a matter of months to convince your hubby that you love him lots!! It’s okay, though, Tiny Mix Tapes has got you. With a little help from our good friend Justin Timberlake, we’ve come up with five super sexy tips to help you keep the salsa of your love life nice and zesty by the time ol’ February rolls around — inspired by the pop star’s new clip for “TKO.” Enjoy!
1. To be a goddess in your man’s heart, you have to be willing to show him who’s boss. The next time he’s sitting on the couch watching Storage Wars or trying to get some kitchen nookie, whack him on the head with a frying pan and proceed to drag him through the wasteland.. WITH HIS OWN PICKUP! That’s how you fight the patriarchy, ladies. And your guy’ll love the enthusiasm!
2. Nothing says “I love you” quite like wearing your guy’s favorite shirt. Feel free to sulk about his pad in it, and make sure to slap away his hands when he tries to touch you. That’s hot!
3. The next time you want to get frisky, grab the back of his head and yank, all the while staring at him like he’s one of the Congressmen responsible for the government shutdown. To spice it up even more, be sure to yell out “Thanks, Obama!” while you do it.
4. Who said dinnertime couldn’t be sexy? When you want to get down to business RIGHT NOW, throw a bowl of salad on the ground (extra points if the bowl is glass!!) and threaten to kill your hubby with your “coochie-coo” like you just killed that bowl of salad. Metaphorically. Damn!
5. The grand finale that’ll really send him ;) over the edge: make sure to jump out of his pickup at the last minute and roll to safety, shooting a “sry not sry” glance at him as he skids ever closer to his doom! Then find a new boy. Rinse. Repeat.
Happy Hunk Hunting!
Bars Of Gold
As though the singer can’t wait to scream his head off, the lyrics in “Blue Lightning” are sung hurriedly. Bars Of Gold are always just about to crescendo, perennially in that heightened state of instrumental suspense similar to a surfer nearing the final collapsing arch of a waving pipeline. But despite how devastating their drummer is, they NEVER wipe out.
This Detroit quintet sets the groove quickly, but shoulders you at precise intervals with a clangor of guitars, keeping you moving/up. The bass, low and brooding, is churning away swiftly and subtly underneath short, thunder-clapping guitars that come to life after the vocal burst of a teasing faux-chorus. Here, in the middle, the jazzy drums kick along a more bluesy guitar statement, while the warm, woozy purr of an organ warbles in, backed by harmonizing female vocals softening the throaty baritone of our lead singer.
Something snaps. The guitars go into these spasms, stirring and stirring, and the words of the lyrics get squeezed together; something is forcing itself out, or pulling ever tighter… Choose your tension. It erupts: “This is for the people who WOOOORRRRRRRRKKK…..OOOONNNNNN Christmas….”
This is for you. Let it out. Let it go. Let it roll. Listen to “Blue Lightning” by Bars Of Gold below, and scope their newest album Wheels on Bellyache Records out this week.
If playing back the four vinyl sides of Forse 1 at skull-rending decibel levels earlier this year hasn’t already resulted in neighbors’ complaints, police intervention, and the relocation of your loved ones to a “Volume Safe Zone” outside of the range of your audio setup, it’s not too late: Alessandro Cortini is set to release two more 2xLPs (!!) in his Forse series on Important Records. The Nine Inch Nails collaborator and Trash Audio collective member got down to work in what I imagine could only be an insulated subterranean bunker crammed with rack-mounted electronics and exotic synthesizers to cook up dozens of solo synth sessions throughout the course of one month — 10 of which constitute Forse 2, due November 26. Like the last volume in the series, Cortini executed these tracks on a lone Buchla Music Easel, a synth as legendary for its expansive analog tones as for its extremely limited edition. Only 13 original Easel units are presently accounted for — that is, until Buchla’s 40-year anniversary edition hits the market and like anyone can just wake up one morning and jump on the Buchla Bandwagon, amiright? Imagine: lil’ would-be Subotnicks patching their rigs together on every street corner; Don Buchla (and Bob Moog) namechecks in Top 40 hits; the cruel memes issued from both sides of the 1/4-inch vs. 1/8-inch patch cable debate.
“Canta,” our first taste of Forse 2, is the rare promo track that almost renders the forthcoming album unnecessary in its shadow. I.E., I could loop “Canta” five or so times straight through at max volume and consider that 45-ish minutes a successful listening experience. Hit play on the SoundCloud widget below and allow the rhythm of Cortini’s steady oscillations to become the intrinsic rhythm of your brain. Cutoff knobs turn, and both lower- and upper-register phrases thicken into the high-protein versions of their former selves. Chord progressions propelled by arpeggiated lead lines and massive bass notes cover more harmonic ground here than in any other Forse session so far. As long as Cortini continues to fill sides of wax with sublime slo-mo narratives sculpted from the elemental tones and limited voices of a decades-old synth system, I will continue to turn up the volume well beyond reasonable levels.
So, I been driving to work without a radio. This drastically effects ME knowledge of what is new in ME favorite broadcast communities. However, it gives me time to TRIP off my phone speaker. But today, I had the opportunity to drive a Maybach today with kickin’ woofers, and 2 Chainz’s single “Used 2” popped on, and the whole neighborhood KNEW it. I’ve “sat down” with B.O.A.T.S. II: Me Time a bunch, but haulin’ this luxury all across Oceanside, while climaxing every swagasm bum in Mannie Fresh’s beat was REAL cruisin’ heaven. On a Monday. At 10 AM. And I was paid to do it.
“I Won’t Wait”
When TMT staffers get sick of sitting around sharing cute animal pics (just kiddin’, folks: we’d never get sick of that), we seek other outlets to gain that sugar rush. And there hasn’t been anything as naïvely, boppily, bittersweetly, janglily (is that even a word?) adorable this year as The Creases’ “I Won’t Wait.” These Brisbane (AU) boys are giving The La’s “There She Goes” a run for their money. A run down the supermarket aisle, that is… with all of $5.50 ASD in their pockets, which is what the clip cost to make. The apple-biting may be an amorous metaphor, but given the charmingly callow exuberance on display here, I wouldn’t count on it — better to say, an indie song is a lot like an orange: first you have the skin, then the sweet, sweet innards.
Find “I Won’t Wait” on The Creases’ debut 7-inch on Rough Trade Records out November 11, and available for pre-order!