The Unicorns: Interview
Urban Legends of the Uniporn


The same erratic and bizarre behavior that makes
bands fun to see live sometimes breeds the stories fans tell about them later.
Though some legendary band stories (Mick Jagger, Marianne Faithfull, Mars Bar)
enter into the mainstream, other music-related myths (Ryan Adams, Bryan Adams,
smartass audience member) become only as big as the band itself, which is to
say, not very.

The Unicorns have a mythology around them that started even before their album
Who Will Cut Our Hair When We're Gone? was released. Perhaps it's because
the band's members started telling tales about themselves from the beginning,
leaving no pesky truth behind for people to discover later on in the case they
become a more well-known band. Or maybe the Unicorns just like to fuck with
journalists. Either way, it's difficult to tell when the Unicorns (or their
fans, for that matter) are telling the truth and when they're making up their
history as they go along.

It might take years and a few more albums for stories about the Unicorns to
enter into public domain, but why wait to hear it it from someone else, someone
who clearly won't have your best, truth-seeking interest in mind? Below is a
guide to several documented legends about the Unicorns, and 1-2 unfunny
references to their name.








identifies a true statement.


identifies a false statement.


identifies a statement of undetermined or ambiguous veracity.


identifies a statement of indeterminate origin.







Claim:
The Unicorns, who are J'aime Tambeur (drums, beats), Alden Ginger (vocals,
guitar, keyboard) and Nicholas Diamonds (vocals, guitar, keyboard), were started
by fellow Canadian pop sensation Celine Dion.

Status:
 
True

Example:
Tambeur's mother is childhood friends with Celine Dion. The pop singer paid for
the studio time required to record the Unicorns' first album, Unicorns are
People Too
. The self-released album cracked the top 30 in Canada. 

Origins
Celine Dion is not exactly responsible for the creation of the band, but
certainly her success and fortune has something to do with the similar success
of The Unicorns: 


JT:
Since she [Celine Dion] moved
to Vegas she and my mom don't really keep in touch anymore.



AG:
They grew up together.



ND:
That's kind of how we got
started.



AG:

We were in her fan club.



JT: 
We knew her
husband-slash-manager-slash-svengali.



ND:
We were basically at a party.
He took off one of his rings and said, "Here. Go make a record."


AG:
So we were able to not work,
and just devote our time to the record.



TMT:
So all this is somehow because
of Celine Dion.



JT:
Well, her
husband-slash-manager-whatever.


AG:
He definitely deserves props.
[Source: TMT, Sept. 2004]
 

 






Claim:
One third to 3/4s of the Unicorns are homosexual.

Status:
 
Undetermined

Example: At
least four (4) interviews and stories on the internet make reference to a
homosexual member of the Unicorns:


The band The Unicorns have an
openly gay man within their ranks. Who Will Cut Our Hair When We're Gone?
(Alien 8) by The Unicorns features openly gay singer Alden Penner, and like The
Hidden Cameras, proves that there is a massive amount of cool queer music being
made in Canada.
[Source: Outsmart Magazine,
March 16, 2004]


The
Unicorns remain of ambiguous sexual orientation. Nicolas "Niel" Diamonds alluded
to his orientation in a Sept 2004 interview: 



TMT:

I figured you all would
stay on Ben Kweller's tour bus.



ND:
I might. I'm getting a little friendly with Ben.



JT:
He's been giving Nick some
knowing winks.
[Source: Tiny Mix Tapes, Sept. 2004]
 



Origins:

Unicorns are animals that, historically, represent purity and virginity. In
legend, unicorns can only be tamed by virgins and will only allow a virgin to
mount them. Also, one famous New Yorker cartoon by Charles Addams show a
bewildered pair of gay unicorns watching Noah's ark sail away [See: lyrics to
"I Was Born (A Unicorn)].
Perhaps it is this connection to purity and
virginity, and The Unicorns' matching pink outfits that have made many conclude
that one or more of the members of the Unicorns are so, so gay.

The legend has also persisted due to the emergence of the The Uniporn [See:
The Internet (Note: Not safe for work)]
, a homosexual fan fiction site
featuring band members. The stories are short, but all end in the Unicorns
sodomizing one another while in different cities on their tour. It's like "A
Hard Days Night" if the Beatles were savagely gay. 

Band members denied that there was any truth to the situations described on the
Unicorns site in a 2004 interview: 



TMT:
I was reading a Livejournal
called The Uniporn,



ND:
What's Livejournal?



AG:

It's like a blog.



TMT:
So have you guys read it?



JT:
My mom read it. My sister read
it.



TMT:
What did your mom think?


JT:
She thought it was funny.  I
think the concept of it is pretty funny.



AG:
We all see each other very
differently now.



TMT:
Any idea why anyone would
write it?


AG:
I think they have a personal
grudge against us.



ND:
No, I think it's someone who
gets turned on by fan fiction.



AG:
No.


ND:
I think it's purely comical.



AG:
No, they put too much effort
into it.



JT:
It's not malicious. Except for
the fact that we're having sex with one another, it's not saying we're racist or
anything.



AG:

In fact it's increased our
popularity. [Source: Tiny Mix Tapes, Sept. 2004]

 







Claim:
Fans of the Unicorns refer to themselves as "Children of the 'Corns"

Status:
 statement
of indeterminate origin

Example:

Like Dick Dale fans (Dickheads) and Grateful Dead fans (Deadheads), fans of the
Unicorns have begun calling themselves "Children of the 'Corn." They also
sometimes wear horns on their heads and create various unicorn-related
accessories to wear to shows in a statement of fan devotion not seen since the
great Faint pool orgy of '02.

Origin: When
asked, Unicorns fans felt a range of emotions from amusement to disgust at being
labeled 'Children of the 'Corns." Use of "Children of the 'Corns" seems to be
isolated to fans in the Midwest and lower Carolinas. Reporters refer to The
Unicorns as "Dickheads," though their devotion to Dick Dale is undocumented.







Claim:

The Unicorns are Scientologists.

Status:
 
True

Example:
It's easy for fans to assume that, like many musicians who are at the top of
their game, The Unicorns have turned to the teachings of L. Ron Hubbard for
guidance and companionship [See also: Beck].

The Unicorns also embody some of the traits associated with Scientologists. They
are wary of outsiders, dislike questions they determine are too personal, and
believe in a duality of the spiritual and physical worlds [See: Lyrics to
"Tuff Ghost"]
.

Origins: The
Unicorns have confirmed that they (Nicolas "Niel" Diamonds and Alden Ginger) are
both Scientologists. J'aime Tambeur remains a devoted Raelian: 



ND:
That's another thing
we're strong supporters of, and I'm glad you brought that up.


TMT:
Scientology?



ND:
Yes, scientology.



JT:
I would like to go on the record to say I am not a Scientologist. I will be a
Raelian until I'm dead. And you guys in your (makes finger quotes) "cult" can
have a good time, and I'm going to be on the spaceship.


AG:
Poor. You're going to be poor on your spaceship. And that's how you wanna be? In
your space buggy?



JT:
Hey, I'd rather be poor on the
spaceship than rich on earth.



TMT:
Is this something you've just
gotten into? Because Scientology seems like something people get into the more
famous they get.



ND:

Well we met some famous people
and they kind of persuaded us.



AG:
Forced us...



ND:
I mean invited us into the
uh...



TMT:
Was it John Travolta?



AG:
No, it was Drew Barrymore.



ND:
Scarlett Johansson



TMT:
They're both Scientologists?


ND:
Yup.



JT:
Don Knotts got me into it. But then I realized I don't really care about Don
Knotts. That's why I'm not in it anymore.
[Source: Tiny
Mix Tapes, Sept. 2004]

 






Claim:
Alden Ginger is missing one hand.

Status:   Undetermined

Example:
Different versions of this story appear on several Unicorns message boards.
Explanations for the missing hand include Ginger lost it during a bar fight in
Montreal, before the Unicorns had released their first album, "Unicorns are
People Too." Others claim Ginger lost it in a barbaric bar bet where he swore a
handless patron that he couldn't play guitar with a hook. Once the patron
demonstrated his skill, Ginger had to cut off his own hand. Ginger has since
learned to play with his replacement quite well, though he often appears with a
prosthetic hand, one that screws into his hook.

Origins:
Unicorns guitarist and keyboard player Alden Ginger appears in the bands first
video, "Jellybones," with a hook on his right hand. While some speculate that
this is a prop for their video, others have determined that this is a
replacement for his hand, which was lost in an accident several years ago.

The band's autobiography hints at Ginger's injuries:  



In February 2003, Ginger was
attacked in a knife fight (he escaped with a handful of flesh wounds) & banished
from his family home.
[Source:

www.theunicorns.net/bio
]
 


Ginger
confirmed his injury, though points to a different story behind it in an
in-depth email interview:  



To: Jessica Suarez


From: Alden Ginger



Subject: RE: Question



 



On 27-Aug-04,
at 10:05 PM, Jessica Suarez wrote:



 



>Is there any
significance to your wearing a pirate hook in the

> Jellybones video?



I burnt my hand with hot oil and now I need a prosthetic. 



 



> <3 xjessicax



 


Alden



 



<Invite Alden to Gmail>



 



[Source: Tiny Mix Tapes,
Sept. 2004]

 

 







Other
Claims:
The
Unicorns have paid homeless people to play as the band. The Unicorns killed
their first drummer. The Unicorns have been arrested on tour for stealing candy
bars. The Unicorns wrote Who Will Cut Our Hair When We're Gone? over the
phone. The Unicorns are #29 on the Canadian pop charts.  The Unicorns are
Canadian.

Status:

 Undetermined

Origin: The
Unicorns hate interviews. They often pepper their band's history with
disinformation, half-truths, and lies: 



TMT:
So why do you guys lie so much during your interviews?


ND:
We stopped doing that.



TMT:
Really? I saw a pretty recent interview with you guys- I think you've
contradicted everything you said in that interview tonight.



AG:
Was it online?



ND:

We don't do online interviews.



TMT:
I'm sorry, this is going to go online.



ND:
It is?



TMT:
Yup.


ND:
Okay. (Nick removes tape from tape recorder and puts it in his pocket.)
[Source: Tiny Mix Tapes, Sept. 2004]
 


While
they are unreliable sources of information, their fans remain their
truth-mongers and are the best way to find out the truth about the Unicorns.

 "Hank" (real name), a Unicorns fan, provided definitive answers to several
Unicorns urban legends on the Unicorns' official forum (no particular order):  



1)
Alden is not "gay" but he might be "Bi"

2) yes

3) yes

4) no

5) yes

6) no

7) no
8)
yes


 




 [Source:
www.theunicorns.net/forum]


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