Hello, young actor! I see you're looking for monologues for stage and screen auditions! Well, here's a modern classic, a monologue taken from the perspective of an exasperated music reviewer speaking to one Neil Michael Hagerty. For some background on the subject, Hagerty was part of such "underground" groups as Royal Trux, Pussy Galore, Weird War, and -- the band he was in when the monologue takes place -- the Howling Hex. The music reviewer is tall, skinny, slightly balding, and wears an Animal Collective t-shirt with his dirty Levi's jeans.
Neil, look at me. Look at me, Neil. Neil? Neil? Will you just sit down for a minute? No, put down that guitar. Hey, at my face. No, look at my face. I see you have a new band and you've recorded a full length after two lickity-split limited edition vinyl releases with them. You've had a bunch of bands in the past, haven't you, Neil? Neil? Neil.
For a man with such little focus, you, the screaming hobo junkie Mick Jagger of the indie rock scene, have created one of the most A.D.D. unfriendly records of the new millennium. Your new album, All-Night Fox, contains 8 songs spread over 40 minutes””stop looking out the window Neil and look at my fingers, no, not your fingers, my fingers””all of which are simple circular guitar riffs, simple bass lines, and rudimentary monotone drumming. You and two unknown women howl over the””don't touch that, it's hot, Neil””mess, spewing subversive and creepy-sad-guy-on-the-bus-whose-loneliness-makes-everyone-laugh lyrics until each song sputters out, usually fading into nothing.
Luckily, Neil””Neil, I'm talking to you, my name is Matt Weir, no, don't touch my mouth, I'm a human man””these bass lines are maddeningly catchy and some of these guitar riffs spin and twist themselves into hippie-exploding grooves.
You only need to listen to the first 15 seconds of "Now We're Gonna Sing," the best song of your album, to know exactly what's going to happen for the next three minutes, but””NO no no no it's a pencil not a toy!””the song somehow manages to hold up rather well. Even "What, Man? Who Are You?!" which clocks in at an unbelievable seven and a quarter minutes, maintains an exciting groove while the reverb-laden female vocalists bounce off your gutter howl.
But these could've been songs, Neil. That's what I don't get. All-Night Fox is less an exercise than an album. I'd recommend it to any of your fans””don't touch your eyeball! your hands are covered in peanut butter!””but it's still simply a tantalizing look at what the Howling Hex, your newest and most exciting project since Weird War, is capable of. Please return to choruses, bridges, builds, breakdowns, intros, outros... just anything to justify the exciting hypnotic feel you've created with this unique band. And, hey! hey! no more juice for you! you're just dribbling all over the floor! and stop tying and untying your sneakers!
1. Now We're Gonna Sing
2. Instilled With Mem'ry
3. Pair Back Up Mass With
4. Activity Risks
5. To His Own Front Door
6. What, Man? Who Are You?!
7. Cast Aside the False
8. Soft Enfolding Spreads
More about: The Howling Hex
