Let's say hello to a cross-section of our furry friends in The Instruments, an offshoot of several colorful bands who serve as character actors in a yet-to-be-made movie titled Elephant Six: The Hypening!
“Hiya! I'm The Instruments' guitar. I don't sound too overwhelming by myself, but when combined with my pals in the other sections, I form a layer of melody that supports my boss' singing like a wonderbra. My hobbies include not playing solos, blending in, riffing casually, and occasionally picking around on my strings. No big whoop!”
[in walks a tubby bass drum from a trap set; it shakes off a modicum of dust, removes a piece of paper from its pocket, and begins speaking] “Yo-yo folks, just flew in from Athens, and boy are my toms tired. HA! Little percussion humor there…AHEM. I am The Instruments' drums, and I play a surprisingly large role in the band, swinging from post-rockian ride-cymbal sashaying to almost military-style jaunts that count on me for their precision and forcefulness. I—”
[in walks a French horn, interrupting the tom mid-sentence] “Well hellooooooooo! I’m a French horn and I lend a pastoral, church-pew feel to songs like “Arabesque” and “Pastorale.” I apologize for interrupting my esteemed, rhythmic colleague, but there’s no way his patter would be interesting without my melodies draped overtop, so I figure a little interruption is warranted. I think French horns are underrepresente—”
[a shadowy figure begins clapping sarcastically in the back of the room] “Oh really? REALLY? Well how quaint of you to say so, Mr. Freedom horn, if that is your real name… But there are those of us who face a little thing called reality once in a while, and you might wanna try it before you extol the virtues of…yourself…too thoroughly. I, but a poor workingman’s cello, proffer a simple fact: You cannot buy class. To that end I present the idea that MY contributions are much larger than that of Frenchy over here. I offer dignity, grace, and, let’s be honest with each other, the filler a half-instrumental album needs to vault over the top of listener expectations.
[in marches a stand-up bass, carried by two henchmen] “And just who do you think you are, talking about dignity and grace. I define dignity and grace, my friend, and y’all aren’t worth a three-finger diddle without me. My smooth, rich, chocolate-y backdrops are perfect building blocks for the rest of you to construct your trebly counterparts atop. You need me, you love me, you want me, you stick your finger in my strings, you…can’t live without me. Fugoff, this is bush league…”
[a pocket-sized, plastic device waddles its way forward shyly and clears its throat] “Well shucks, I’m a kazoo, and sadly, I’m just about the only Instrument NOT represented on this, The Instruments’ third album. I don’t have the girth of upright bass, the precision of trap drums, nor the splendor of cello or French horn. In fact, it could be argued that a device such as me has no place on such a somber venture, but remember this: You can’t have a string of funerals without throwing a party every once in a while, so please consider including me in future albums. THE FUTURE IS A GIFT, PEOPLE. I’m not sayin’, I’m just sayin’…and I’m out.”
[at last, our keynote speaker floats into the room, transparent to the eye but palpable nonetheless] “Hello, I’m the voice of Heather McIntosh. The Instruments’ Dark Småland gives me the chance to shine, which I kinda-sorta take advantage of; thing is, my namesake is so busy conjuring arrangements that I often don’t make it into the mix. Needless to say, this album should have had a lot more of ME. I could have saved it from the fell smack of post-rock yawnery that creeps up every so often after lovely lullabies like ‘Mountain Song’ trail off. Hey, I’m a happy voice and I don’t like to complain too much, but that will change if I’m not given more room to roam next time around. But hey, who knows what the future will hold? Enjoy what little you have of me. (You won’t be hearing much from me when I participate in the next Japancakes album…)”
More about: The Instruments
