Ham
Lo, 2005
rating:
Baby I'm Hurt'n/5
reviewer: matt weir
I haven't gotten past "Baby I'm Hurt'n," the first track off the Chap's 2005
effort, Ham. Am I supposed to? As a reviewer, yes. As anyone else, no.
Read: I haven't heard the rest of the album. And I couldn't care less! Because
"Baby I'm Hurt'n" is the single of the year, the filthily and
pristinely-produced electro-stomper that could. This song could turn any car
commercial into the most exciting orgasm of my life.
Geez, if any car company puts this in a commercial, phones will shake and
internet search engines will sizzle as people everywhere search for this
astoundingly perfect piece of dirty '80s-inspired dance-funk. "Baby I'm
Hurting," they'll type into Google, and then it won't come up because that's not
the name of the song! Ahh!!! Poor people!!! I hope everybody figures out that
it's "Hurt'n"! For their sake!
"Baby I'm Hurt'n" makes me wish I had a girlfriend who was bored with me.
Because then, at that moment when she walks into my apartment
unexpectedly—without calling—and says, "Matt, we need to talk...," I can just
turn on "Baby I'm Hurt'n" and prolong the relationship by three minutes. This is
a stop-your-life song, folks.
These guys are from the UK, and I'm pretty sure there are four of them... but oh
man, listen to when the beat drops! It REALLY DROPS! Beats doesn't do that
anymore! People talk about beats dropping like it happens all the time, but no,
it doesn't. All those people who talk about beats droppin' and haven't listened
to this song might as well be putting unicorn feeders in their backyards waiting
for the unicorns to come around and eat. Unicorns are dead. Beats don't drop
unless it's "Baby I'm Hurt'n."
I lent my friend Kavitha the album, and she listened to it. She said the rest of
Ham is beautiful, down-tempo electro-pop soundscapes. But I can't bring
myself to get past "Baby I'm Hurt'n." Why stop the funk? I just can't. I just
won't.
1. Baby I'm Hurt'n
2. Woop Woop
3. Now Woel
4. Long Distance Lovin'
5. Woop
6. Auto Where To
7. The Premier At Last
8. Arizona
9. Arts Centre
10. I Am Oozing Emotion
11. Younger People
12. Clissold Park
13. Emerson Lake and Palmer
