X&Y
Capitol, 2005
rating 2/5
reviewer: davidbohm


I was unloading a shipment at work a few days ago. I work at Starbucks (hey, if you can't beat the devil, you can at least get a sweet health benefit plan for only working part time from him), so you know, coffee, cups, milk -- it's not rocket science. Slice open the next box and what else should I find but the lovably tender and jovial mug of Chris Martin staring back at me, in a carefully practiced expression of wide eyed befuddlement at the crazy and imperceptible gears of this modern world. Further scrounging and slicing reveals a full Coldplay display and many many many copies of their new record. X&Y is now an impulse buy right next to the vanilla almond biscotti, and all jokes about corporate rock aside, if this can't be seen as a signifier of a band that has become much more a phenomenon than a music making entity, I'm not sure what more it takes. Maybe some promotion at the DMV or something like that.

"Hmm, what is this Coldplay band like?" asks an older woman after ordering a decaf iced latte and a slice of lemon-raspberry loaf. This wasn't in my job description; I think to myself, I wish they would have sent along a card of a preordained little recitation I'm supposed to give, as they did with the Yukon Blend. "Well, they are pretty much the quintessential band of a large group of decidedly British bands capitalizing off trying to sound like Bends-era Radiohead though falling flat due to trite and pithy lyricism, lack of musical inventiveness that hides behind washes of reverbed soundscapes and ornately orchestrated string sections as a means to connote deep existential journeying and hopefully portray an unassuming genius from a heavyhearted and (supposedly) lovelorn mind that is making his way in this universe despite its maddening incomprehensibility."

[Blank stare.]

Onto Plan B. "Eh, they're pretty good. So are the chocolate covered graham crackers."

"Oh wow, those do look good."

"Heh, yeah."

I don't hate Coldplay, they're harmless enough (Keane on the other hand...). I think they make terribly harmless music, and I'm sure their intents are terribly heartfelt as they appear. Coldplay is not just a band these days, they are a divisive issue. My theory on the anti-Coldplay sentiments is that it is upsetting for some to see how easy music can be. Take "Trouble" from their first record... what, like 20 words total? A simple catchy piano line revolving around three chords? Shit, I could have written that song, would have taken me like five minutes. BUT YOU DIDN'T! And for all those that don't get the worldwide popularity and adulation for such simple sounding and highly scripted music, you have to admit, if not Coldplay, someone else. It's a market niche. Coldplay is simply good business. They don't rock the boat from album to album, you know what you are going to get. Not great, a few catchy moments, certainly not god-awful, but just bland enough that after three listens, all life is drained from it, there is nothing new to find. I'd mention some songs, but they are really inconsequential. It's the new Coldplay record for fuck's sake; if you need a better description go to Sam Goody, I just make coffee.

1. Square One
2. What If
3. White Shadows
4. Fix You
5. Talk
6. X&Y
7. Speed Of Sound
8. A Message
9. Low
10. The Hardest Part
11. Swallowed In The Sea
12. Twisted Logic
13. Til Kingdom Come