My cat is an asshole. He contributes absolutely nothing to the house. A true freeloader. He demands to be fed at least half a dozen times per day, and when I finally pour the food, he head-butts the bag so that food scatters into his water bowl. Then, he has the nerve to demand fresh water because of the floating food. He has a special blanket set up on the recliner that he knows he's supposed to sleep on, yet night after night he moves to the couch once I've gone to bed. When inside the house, he sits at the door meowing to go out; when outside, he meows to come in. When I try to walk anywhere in the house, he walks about six inches in front of me in a zig-zag pattern, making it impossible for me to go even a few feet without tripping. He spends the bulk of his waking hours sitting in the window sill staring blankly at the front yard. He prefers to do so with the window open and will pester me about opening it, like, right after I start to nap. Opposable thumbs, bitch.

It's really a lot like having a teenage son. He's got no job, no ambition, no respect for authority; just a sense of entitlement to the fruits of my labor. He has many qualities which one could only describe as "emo." He's been known to engage in highly objectionable behavior involving his testicles, often in the presence of guests. He comes and goes without notice, sometimes worrying me by staying out all night without so much as a phone call, just to let me know everything's okay. Clearly, I'm not asking a lot. Just a little help around the house every once in a while -- and, if it's not too much to ask, a little respect.

Also, Müm is touring: