By Emceegreg on Aug 7 2007
Let me be open and honest with you, TMT reader. A couple days ago, I played spin the bottle with the news section. What felt like a semi-slow news week in the music world needed some hot, steamin' action. I may have crossed some sort of journalistic line, but at the moment, I thought the "line" was just a sexual object waiting to be trampled.
First off, I wrote down ten pending new articles yet to be written on to ten multi-colored note cards. I pricked my finger with a dragon letter opener and wrote the headlines in my own blood. I then took a 45-minute shower until every inch of my body felt and looked like Grandpa Gene's testicles.
I then drank an expensive bottle of Chateau d'Yquem and placed the empty bottle next to my feet, as I laid out the ten note cards in a circle around me. I spun the bottle, and it landed on this news article that you're reading now. No, I don't mean an article about me finding a news article to write. That would make no sense. It was fate that I happened to be holding the card in my hand that read "Konono No°1 Release Live CD."
I started to stroke the note card like a kitten and began to lightly purr into the note card's ear. I gave the note card about four Jägerbombs, and it started to tell me all about the Konono No°1 album. According to the note card, the DIY group from Kinshasa Democratic Republic of the Congo are releasing a live, eight-track mini-album called Live at Couleur Café August 27 in Europe and September 11 in the U.S. The note card also said that, with never-before heard material recorded at Brussels' popular Couleur Café festival and production by Vincent Kenis, no one should be disappointed.
We both agreed that we enjoy Konono No°1 immensely and that we are both anxious to buy the album. It was around that time when things got intense.
The next morning, as I awoke naked and throbbing, I realized I had a drunken, fantasized sexual encounter with a note card. A few days had passed, and I built up the strength to write this all-too-revealing news story. However, last night when I went into my bedroom to sleep next to my wife, the note card was laying on my pillow with a gigantic hole in it. I awoke my wife and confessed the whole story to her.
Emceegreg has learned to leave the experimentation up to the musicians and not the writers who write about them.
Daughters Embark on “Creem of Sum Yung Gai” Tour
By Mango Starr on Aug 7 2007
THE STRANGER:
Take it easy, Daughters -- I know that you will.
DAUGHTERS:
Yeah, man. Well, you know -- Daughters abide.
THE STRANGER:
I don't know about you, but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' they're out there, Daughters, takin' her easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope their tour goes okay. Welp, that about does her, wraps her all up. Things seem to've worked out pretty good for Daughters, and it was a purdy good story, don'tcha think? Made me laugh to beat the band. Parts, anyway. Course -- I don't like seein' Daughters go. But then, I happen to know that there's a little Daughters on the way. I guess that's the way the whole darned human comedy keeps perpetuatin' itself, down through the generations, Westward the wagons, across the sands a time until-- aw, look at me, I'm ramblin' again. Well, I hope you folks enjoyed yourselves. Catch ya further on down the trail.
EMI, DRM, and BK Get Together in Hopes of Forming a Complete Word
By Alex Carusillo on Aug 7 2007
Apparently, one of the higher-ups at EMI owns an XBOX 360. After hours spent playing Burger King’s Sneak King video game, it became clear to this higher-up that there was no better way to reach consumers than through the big taste of Chicken Fries. Accordingly, EMI has announced that it will release DRM-free tracks to customers looking to have it their way, saying:
"Under the campaign, consumers will be able to search for, sample, and download a pre-paid EMI Music track from a specially created microsite after inputting a unique code. Codes are being distributed to Burger King consumers upon purchase, and there will be links from the microsite to an online retailer, allowing consumers to purchase further tracks by EMI artists featured on the microsite."
The question remains, however, if Meredith Brooks’ “Bitch” will be available for download, seeing as she left the label in 1999.
Finally, I Have An Excuse To Write About How Much I Like Bonde Do Role: Bonde Do Role Tour
By Nat Towsen on Aug 7 2007
Bonde do Role is the kind of band we'd start together. You know, the one where we’d just cut up samples and loop them over some loud, funky beats, and then all shout into microphones like crazy people? And we’d writhe around the stage and hump each other and bring fans up on stage and then hump them too? And fuck the FCC, because we’d use any samples we wanted! We’d even illegally sample music that sucks! That would show them! It would be so awesome!
Well, that band already exists, and it is awesome. Bonde do Role were the first artists signed to Diplo’s Mad Decent label, which makes them far realer than our proposed band. Other cool points they have over our band include:
- Their first LP, With Lasers, came out June 5, and it is totally sweet.
- They were featured in Rolling Stone, the only magazine that still has the guts to tell the truth about music.
- They are a baile funk group from Brazil, which is a much cooler scene than the collective space in front of our laptops.
- They use funk carioca beats in their songs; we'd use mostly Apple Loops.
- They make music videos like this; we'd make music videos like this.
This fall, MCs Marina Vello and Pedro D’Eyrot, along with MC/DJ Rodrigo Gorky, will cause boners to be popped all across the North American continent. They will play shows nearly every day for a month, only taking brief breaks to apply Marina’s more severe hair dyes. We should totally see them. Check out this video if you don’t believe me! Come on, this will be cooler than that time we found that pineapple full of bees!
At least we knew about their tour before Todd did:
