16 Bitch Pile-Up On I-88, On Tour; You Are Now Late For Work

Listen: I don't give a good god damn about this Pile-Up that's slammin' us bumper to bumper here; I just want to get to work. I don't even want to get to work; I just plain need to get to work. Yes, I understand, auto accidents are serious things and paramedics need time and space to sort out the victims, etc. Yeah, whatever!! I don't even know these people for crissakes. For all I know, it's just some 16 Bitch Pile-Up! Yeah, okay! A 16 Bitch Pile-Up!

Oh, don't give me these theoretical sob stories. Every human life is precious -- right. I bet if every single one of these Bitches had one more day to do whatever they wanted they'd probably do something incredible, right? They'd probably, what, put out a critically-acclaimed album? Call it Bury Me Deep (TMT Review) and release it on Troniks? Go on a tour through the U.S. and Canada during the month of June? I'm not trying to be a dick; I'm just giving an example of how ridiculous that idea is. This isn't a tragic tale of a 16 Bitch Pile-Up; it's the tragic tale of me coming in late one-too-many times and having the higher-ups tap me on the shoulder and scoot me out the door, on my ass, nothing to do, nowhere to go, nothing to call my own, not even a single noise record under my belt. That's what I'd call a real tragedy. That's something I'd get my hankie out for. This, this is just a pile of Bitches. And I mean that with all due respect.

There's nothing I wouldn't do for a woman in need:

* Monotract, Religious Knives, Alan Licht

^ Fat Worm of Error

Robert Wyatt is a true hero; always has been, always will be. Despite the fact he once described himself as merely “a very primitive, infantile folk singer,” it’s more accurate to say that he’s got one of the most perfect voices in music -- kind of fragile sounding at first, but emotionally involved and, allegedly, spanning five or more octaves.

Even though most have never heard of him, there are a ton of reasons that make you need to love him. He actually used to be a pretty big star in Britain back in the '70s as the drummer and singer in Soft Machine. He appeared on Björk’s "Submarine" (off Medulla -- TMT Review), which was recorded in his bedroom. Recorded a fucking song with Björk in his motherfucking bedroom! He fought back from falling out of a third-floor window at a party, which left him paraplegic, to continue his musical caree, despite haters like the Top Of The Pops producer in England who felt his wheelchair wasn’t “suitable for family viewing” and tried to get him to sit on a fucking ottoman or something when he appeared on the show. Being a hero and all, Wyatt duly appeared on the show in his wheelchair, whereas the producer hopefully ended up committing seppuku with a ballpoint pen after the show aired. And who else in the world would be totally tight enough to include on one of his albums Stalin Wasn’t Stallin’ (a post-war left wing ballad telling the ungrateful world just how rad the Soviet dictator really was) next to a slowed down, echoing, AMAZING version of the Chic disco ditty At Last I Am Free ? And he did Shipbuilding, which -- no word of a lie -- is just about the best song ever written. You’d think everyone would know about Wyatt and want to do the do with the dude (to me, he was the obvious choice as the replacement for naughty Akon on Gwen Stefani’s current tour).

Thing is, ver kidz just aren’t interested in our man. But that is going to change so fast you’re not going to have time for your morning shit. Indie megasaurus Domino have signed up Wyatt, and incredibly, he’s recorded an album for them! It’s called Comicopera and will be in stores September 24. I suggest we ignore the twin facts that the album is constructed as a three-act ‘opera’ and Paul Weller plays on it. Despite these apparent horrors, I am quite sure that it’ll still be totally worth hearing, so long as that scrawny turd Weller doesn’t give it a go at basso profundo.

World … North American… U.S. (???) Exclusive: Primal Scream Back With Red Hot Height-of-Their-Popularity DVD! Get Your Rocks Off! Woohoo…Rock ‘n’ Roll! Yeah! Groupies, Blow Like You’re Blowing a 24-Karat Trumpet! Etc.

Time for some exclusive news! It is our great pleasure to thrust upon you, the unsuspecting, the news that Primal Scream are to put out a DVD, entitled Riot City Blues Tour, June 25, which will include November 2006 Hammersmith Odeon live footage, promo videos, interviews, and backstage banter from the boys in the band! Oh, this has been reported by other music news sources already? Screw it. Exclusive news anyway.
17 live trax! 12 promo vids! Wristbands and bandanas! Act now and we'll throw in a 1923 Maxim C-1 Fire Engine diecast replica model 1:24 scale die cast (with retractable hose) for only $29.99! It's only one of the most important and celebrated machines in fire-fighting history! It's the only officially authorized die-cast collection of its kind! Fuckin' guaranteed to capture each original with extraordinary precision! It's all part and parcel of the Scream experience!

There you go, some bells and whistles and very little thought or consideration for your reading pleasure. Just read the facts and the tracks, ma'am or sir. We are not positive if the package contains one or two discs, but we will assume that it is a 29-SONG MONSTER MUTHA-FUCKIN' DVD as opposed to a two-disc biscuits-and-tea, family-viewing trifle. The band would have wanted it that way.

Live in London, Hammersmith Odeon, November 2006:

1. Accelerator
2. Dolls
3. Jailbird
4. Shoot Speed/Kill Light
5. Suicide Sally
6. Burning Wheel
7. When the Bomb Drops
8. Hole In My Heart
9. Medication
10. Rise
11. Swastika Eyes
12. Country Girls
13. Rocks
14. Damaged
15. Loaded
16. Movin' On Up
17. Kick Out the Jams

Promo videos:
18. Loaded
19. Movin' On Up
20. Rocks
21. Miss Lucifer
22. Country Girl
23. Dolls
24. Some Velvet Morning
25. Swastika Eyes
26. Kill All Hippies
27. Come Together
28. Autobahn 66
29. Jailbird

Overcoming More Communication Barriers Than Yao Ming in that Visa Commercial, Anticon Releases Digital Spring Sampler

I have this really idealized version of Anticon meetings, where they all sit in the boardroom from Richie Rich and attempt, but fail, to converse in linear discourse.

::Ironic Wayne’s World Transition::

Sole: So you’re all here to talk about the digital spring sampler we’re going to throw on iTunes to preview...

Doseone: GEORGE WASHINGTON! HUGER PAINS! SPOON! SPOON! TREE TRUNKS! SPOON!

Sole: Not again… we can’t do anything right. Humanity no longer fills my fancy…

Alex: Okay this is NOT working… writing dialogue is actually quite difficult, especially when one is attempting to recreate a ridiculously esoteric style of delivery and word choice.

Why?: Where did the omnipresent author functioning as a character come from... I feel like I’m in a Vonnegut.

All: SIIIIIIIIIIIIICK

Alex 2 (wearing a moustache and thus villainous and the story’s new antagonist): Or the new Coheed and Cambria comic.

Doseone: This seems relatively normal to me.

SJ Esau: Why am I on Anticon? That makes less sense than the flow of this conversation.

Alex: No seriously, writing dialogue is way too difficult, and breaking the fourth wall is guaranteed humor.

Alex 2: Or dropping references like Pynchon.

All: hahaha! How metatextual!

...scope it.

YAO MING!

Akon Hurls a Kid Offstage, and I Still Can’t Crack a Good Joke

I was sifting through the pile of news briefs this morning when I landed upon a gem. Lately I have become so uninspired that all my stories have fallen ill with banality. Thanks to Akon, however, today is going to be different.

Here is the setup: Akon, the Senegalese/American hip-hop star, performed at WSPK-FM's KFEST concert June 3 at Dutchess Stadium in Fishkill, New York. While in the middle of ranting about how cool he is and how weird it was to come from Senegal, etc etc etc blah blah blah, some kid throws some trash onto the stage. Akon stops and asks for the crowd to point out the kid and then has security bring him to the front. Once the boy is near the stage, Akon uses his rippling body to yank the kid up and then hoists him on top of his shoulders and immediately launches the little dude into the crowd.

So yeah, that’s what I’m working with here. But I’m choking. I was given a story that practically had the punch line included, yet I have no idea how to deliver it. We could joke about Akon trying out for the World Wrestling Federation, but that just seems too obvious. Or maybe there is some way to tie it in with his previous controversy of grinding onstage with a 14-year-old girl. Hmm. Hmm, indeed...

Well, here are some more facts while I consider how to make this funny. Authorities have identified the boy who was catapulted, and since he is only 15, his mother would have to press charges. No word on if the family will go through with that yet, but the Akon camp (Akon/Family?) is saying nothing illegal happened.

Okay. After thinking about it, I feel it would be irresponsible to try and make a joke out of this incident. That would be like making fun of Nancy Kerrigan in text form when the video is much funnier. So, without further ado, peep these two videos: [1] [2].