99 Problems, But an Eggroll Ain’t One! That’s Probably the Joke That Got Jay-Z Banned in China

The Jigga-man himself is once again the victim in a dispute with goofy, GOOFY China. Jay-Z's scheduled performance at Shanghai's Honkou Stadium on October 23 has been hella cancelled. However, this time around Jahova wasn't discriminated because he "was black," or because he was "driving 55 in a 54." (You know... that line has always bothered me.) Anyway, China disapproved of Jay-Z's rompish lyrics and declared the rapper too vulgar for the Communist country.

China has been censoring the arts and the media since the senselessly racist Wang Chung had their senselessly racist mega-hit "Everybody Wang Chung Tonight (That's What Every Guy's Name Is In China)." If you recall, the FCC did not go as far as to ban the song in America, but instead made a deal where those bastard racists removed the parenthetical. And in actualness, The Rolling Stones were almost banned earlier this year as well. But they weren't because they agreed not to play their filthy sex anthems, "Honkey Tonk Women" and "Brown Sugar." (And then Cockle wrote an amazing review of it!)

Jay-Z, real name Sean Carter (that's news in itself!), was probably smoking a fatty when he heard this news, and I'm going to go out on a limb and assume he was crushed. Poor man was probably waiting for the Chinese Culture Ministry to josh him big with a clichéd, "I make joke/ I go pee pee in your coke." Funny story, but my Asian friend Paul actually did that to me once.

In due respect to rapper/mogul/retiree/Jayonce/out-of-retirement/we-get-it Jay's current turmoil, I have rewritten the lyrics to the date-rape classic "Big Pimpin" to make it racist of the postmodern sort (ex: haha, world is all good, haha):

"Big Pimpin (Nasty China Version)" feat. emceegreg and Three-six Mafia:

You know I

Thug em

FUCK em

Hug em

Leave em

Cause I don't FUCKIN' need em

Woodchucks chuck wood

But China ain't no good

Yeah, I don't FUCKIN' feed em

They wanna start a fuss I'm breezin'

Talking 'bout

Censorship reasons

I'm a pimp all over the world, BITCH

I don't trust or believe em

In my butt, that's where I keep em

'Til I need to nut

All up in that China gut

Y'all be frontin'

Me give my heart to a Chinaman

Not for nothin'

Never happened

I be forever whackin'

More hardcore than anal assassins

I got no passion

You're just no longer finger lickin?

When I boycott General Tso's chicken

Ho get your ass in

And let's RI-I-I-I-I-IDE

(This is the chorus guys)

We doin' Big pimpin

I don't like the Chinese

Kick em out now

Big pimpin'

Smokin' some trees

We doin' Big pimpin' I think I gots a disease

It's just that Jigga-man

Jackie Chan and maybe Jet Li

Check em out now (Repeat)

Tourdates (other parts of the world don't mind the nasty):

10.13.06 - Durban, SAF - ABSA Stadium
10.14.06 - Johannesburg, SAF - Coca Coloa Dome
10.18.06 - Bangkok, THA - BEC-Thero Hall
10.20.06 - Seoul, SKO - Gayagum Concert Hall
10.21.06 - Taipei, TAI - Taipei Super Dome
10.25.06 - Sydney, AUS - Sydney Entertainment Centre *
10.26.06 - Brisbane, AUS - Brisbane Entertainment Centre *
10.27.06 - Brisbane, AUS - Brisbane Entertainment Centre *
10.28.06 - Melbourne, AUS - Rod Laver Arena *

* w/ Roc Tha Block

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