Air Composes Pocket Symphony, Blows On Piping-Hot Toaster Strudel, Tucks You Into Bed

Boy, I could use some Dunkaroos right about now. I used to eat those things at lunch every freakin' day. The best part is when I'd finish the cookies and there's that big dollop of chocolate left over. Am I right? Dang... I'd miss my next class to savor a dollop like that. All this is by way of saying that I'm going to the store right now and seeing if they still make Dunkaroos. I ask you, who's with me? Who??

Oh, you want some stale info on the new Air album first? Well, first of all, it's got 12 tracks. That's two more songs than their last one, which is kind of exciting, right? Can we go now? Also, J. B. Dunckel used some Asian classical instruments on a bunch of the tracks, like the dude COME ON, I can tell you about this in the car, I just want the 'Roos! I can't even think! The chocolate is so gritty, and thick! Okay, okay, almost done. He uses the, umm, the Koto. And the shamisen. Nigel Godrich, Radiohead dude, he produced it; Jarvis Cocker and the guy from The Divine Comedy, they sing on it; they'll be going on tour and stuff...

So let's go go go! Hmm? Oh, right, album title. God, see what these Dunkaroos are doing to me? What kind of news story is this? It's called Pocket Symphony, and it comes out on March 6, and I'm honestly leaving without you if you don't get in the car in five seconds.

Tracklisting:

Silver Jews Cancel Tourdates, David Berman Sez: “Oh wait, ‘touring’ means you have to ‘play ALL the shows we sold tickets to’!?”

Okay, so David Berman's been described as a "reluctant performer," but sweet Jesus Christ (Yeah, I said it. In an article about Silver Jews, no less)!!! Bursting back on the scene with the twisted, fabulous, and jangly chaos of 2005's Tanglewood Numbers and then APPEARING IN PUBLIC, The Silver Jews filled a gaping hole in the hearts of all who wondered when the heck Berman would get over his stage fright.

But woe to those who missed them at the Some Other Magazine Festival this summer and during their subsequent tour. (Hi, nice to meet you.) All we suckers got this Hanukkah from the Silver Jews was a nice little e-mail:

The tickets you purchased for Silver Jews at Webster Hall on Saturday, December 30 will be automatically refunded since the event has been cancelled.

The cancelled event was:
Silver Jews

Bishops at Large

Thank you for choosing TicketWeb.

Uh, you're welcome.

Berman's admittedly more poetic version of that letter can be found here.

Sometimes New York and Massachusetts Silver Jews fans get depressed.

Cancelled dates:

12.30.06 - New York, NY - Webster Hall
12.31.06 - Northampton, MA - Pearl Street

Akron/Family Tour Barefoot Through a Forest of Glass to Teach You the True Meaning of Abstinence and Self-Respect

I was once romantically involved with the Akron/Family's self-titled release more than a year ago. I spent a tryst or three with the brilliance I was yearning for in a modern psych-folk quartet. My friend was able to lure the folkies out to play a show in nowhere, Indiana by giving into their demands of extraneous amounts of money and sex.

I was overly excited to see these guys play live, but everything that could go wrong went wrong. First of all, I discovered to my disappointment that they were in fact not a family, but just a group of normal guys who like nachos and beer. Secondly, during their performance, I dropped acid for the first time.

Since there was acid all over the floor, everyone had to vacate to the nearest exit and wait until the spill had been properly cleaned. I'm usually clumsy, but this time I ruined the whole out-of-body experience that only Akron/Family could have provided me with.

In light of their new record Meek Warrior [TMT Review], the kindred spirits of Akron/Family will go on a small tour and float cosmically from city to city. Hopefully, there is a 12-year-old girl like me out there who will be able to catch one of these live shows and become enlightened. I have faith in you Akron/Family to heal this nation. Please don't let me down this time like I let you down last time.

Here is where they will be tripping to:

12.07.06 - San Diego, CA - Casbah
12.08.06 - Los Angeles, CA - Echo*
12.09.06 - Visalia, CA - Howie & sons Pizza & Beer Parlor
12.10.06 - San Francisco, CA - 12 Galaxies
12.13.06 - Victoria, BC - Lucky Bar
12.14.06 - Vancouver, BC - Richards on Richards
12.15.06 - Seattle, WA - Neumo's Crystal Ball Reading Room
12.16.06 - Portland, OR - Holocene*

* with Lisa Germano

Here are some places they won't be touring to EVER:

Akron, Ohio

Akron, Alabama

Akron, Colorado

Akron, Indiana

Akron, Iowa

Akron, Michigan

Akron, New York

Akron, Ontario

Even Patrick Ewing Will Be Attending Mastodon’s Upcoming Tour

For most people, Mastodon's sound conjures up images of flaming antlers and blood-soaked, prognosticating trees. When I hear Mastodon, I think of Scottie Pippen and Toni Kukoc lining up for three-pointers. There's admittedly little basketball imagery in Mastodon's lyrics, but every time I've listened to Blood Mountain, I've just so happened to be playing NBA Jam: Tournament Edition on Super Nintendo at the same time. Each pounding guitar line forms a vivid image of swirling, flaming dunks from half-court care of Mookie Blaylock. Each piecing metal freakout brings me back to the time Dennis Rodman stole the ball at the last second and brought the game into overtime with an amazing underhand toss.

All I'm saying is, Mastodon is versatile music. Sure, I had some tracks off Leviathan on my "goat sacrifice, etc." playlist, but there was a time I was afraid to transfer them over to "jock jams." Gather your friends, your enemies, and your dwindling hoop skills, because Mastodon is coming to town next year.

Metal can be for anyone and everyone... even B.J. Armstrong:

01.26.07 - Ft. Lauderdale, FL - Culture Room
01.27.07 - Lake Buena Vista, FL - House of Blues
01.28.07 - St. Petersburg, FL - Jannus Landing
01.30.07 - Tallahassee, FL - Beta Bar
02.01.07 - Knoxville, TN - Blue Cats
02.03.07 - Sauget, IL - Pop's
02.05.07 - Minneapolis, MN - First Avenue
02.07.07 - Grand Rapids, MI - The Orbit Room
02.09.07 - Pittsburg, PA - Rex Theater
02.10.07 - Sayreville, NJ - Starland Ballroom
02.11.07 - Providence, RI - Lupo's
02.13.07 - Allentown, PA - Crocodile Rock
02.14.07 - Rochester, NY - Water Street Music Hall
02.15.07 - Clifon Park, NY - Northern Lights
02.16.07 - New Haven, CT - Toad's Place
02.17.07 - Washington, DC - 9.30 Club

all dates with Converge and Priestess

Of Montreal Tour, Decline to Travel in an Outback Steakhouse Tour Bus

On my 19th birthday, I was introduced to both Of Montreal and the Williamsburg section of Brooklyn, neither of which evoked much hipster irony at the time. I gazed upward at the 6th Street American Apparel, dazzled by its primary colors. I longed for a Red Stripe. I was oblivious.

Three hours later, I was completely head over heels for David Barnes in all his androgynous, sparkly hippie glory, and Satanic Panic in the Attic didn't leave my car stereo for months. Drugs? Fuck that. Give me "My British Tour Diary" and a clear spot on the dance floor.

Of course, I fell off the couch in horror when I heard the strains of "Wraith Pinned to the Mist (And Other Games)" in an OUTBACK FREAKING STEAKHOUSE COMMERCIAL (clearly, I'm still not over that one), and I consider Sunlandic Twins to be stripped-down and inferior when lined up with the rest of their catalog, but! As long as you can avoid idiot cokeheads in the crowd who utter such genius statements as "The music! It's in your hair!" (I only wish I was kidding) and deal with clubs bigger than Brooklyn's North Six, there's no reason you shouldn't find yourself at one of these shows in a non-steakhouse near you.

Of Montreal tour #849:

01.19.07 - Memphis, TN - Hitone *
01.20.07 - New Orleans, LA - Republic *
01.21.07 - San Antonio, TX - White Rabbit *
01.22.07 - Lubbock, TX - Jake's Backroom
01.23.07 - Albuquerque, NM - Launchpad *
01.24.07 - Tempe, AZ - The Clubhouse %
01.25.07 - Park City, UT - Music on Main at Sundance
01.26.07 - Los Angeles, CA - El Rey #
01.27.07 - Los Angeles, CA - Avalon #
01.28.07 - Los Angeles, CA - Troubadour #
01.30.07 - San Diego, CA - SOMA #
01.31.07 - Santa Cruz, CA - The Attic #
02.01.07 - San Francisco, CA - Bottom of the Hill #
02.02.07 - San Francisco, CA - Great American Music Hall #
02.03.07 - San Francisco, CA - Great American Music Hall #
02.05.07 - Arcata, CA - Kate Buchanan Hall at Humboldt State University #
02.06.07 - Portland, OR - Wonder Ballroom #
02.07.07 - Vancouver, BC - Richards
02.09.07 - Seattle, WA - Showbox #
02.10.07 - Eugene, OR - W.O.W. Hall #
02.12.07 - Sacramento, CA - Union Ballroom at Sacramento State #
02.13.07 - Las Vegas, NV - TBA
02.14.07 - Tucson, AZ - Rialto #

(deep breath)

02.16.07 - Austin, TX - Emo's @
02.17.07 - Houston, TX - Numbers @
02.18.07 - Dallas, TX - Gypsy Ballroom @
02.19.07 - Norman, OK - Meacham Auditorium @
02.20.07 - Lawrence, KS - Granada @
02.21.07 - Columbia, MO - Blue Note @
02.22.07 - St Louis, MO - Mississippi Nights @
02.23.07 - Birmingham, AL - Bottletree @
02.24.07 - Atlanta, GA - Variety Playhouse @
03.05.07 - Carrboro, NC - Cat's Cradle $
03.06.07 - Fall's Church, VA - State Theatre $
03.07.07 - Clinton, NY - The Annex at Hamilton College $
03.08.07 - Philadelphia, PA - Trocadero $
03.09.07 - New York, NY - Irving Plaza $
03.10.07 - New York, NY - Irving Plaza $
03.11.07 - Boston, MA - Avalon +
03.12.07 - Montreal, QC - La Tulipe +
03.13.07 - Toronto, ON - Opera House +
03.14.07 - Detroit, MI - Magic Stick +
03.15.07 - Chicago, IL - Cabaret Metro +
03.16.07 - Minneapolis, MN - First Avenue
03.17.07 - Milwaukee, WI - Pabst Theatre
03.19.07 - Cleveland, OH - Beachland Ballroom
03.20.07 - Newport, KY - Southgate house
03.21.07 - Nashville, TN - Mercy Lounge
03.22.07 - Asheville, NC - Grey Eagle
03.23.07 - Columbia, SC - Headliners
03.29.07 - Gainesville, FL - Abbey Road
03.30.07 - Miami, FL - Studio A
03.31.07 - Orlando, FL - The Club at Firestone
04.01.07 - Jacksonville, FL - Freebird Live
04.02.07 - Tallahassee, FL - The Moon

* with A Hawk And A Hacksaw
% with Peachcake
# with Enon
@ with Elekibass
$ with Grand Buffet & Mixel Pixel
+ with Grand Buffet

I AM THE AVALANCHE Admit to Mass Poultry Slaughter, Tour without The Stills

I AM THE AVALANCHE... oops, sorry. Caps-lock was on. Anyway, I AM THE AVAL... what the fuck? I AM THE AVALANCHE. Seriously, what's going on here? Oh, oh, oh... I get it... their name is in caps... Well, fuck that noise! Time to boycott this fucking band!! Come on, let's chant loud and proud: BOY-COTT! BOY-COTT! BOY-COTT!!

Anyway, the boycott's over, and I'm here to tell you that I AM THE AVALANCHE are going on tour starting yesterday (I would've sent the story in earlier, but Mr P decided to take an extended break to work on his racial slurs). The group released an eponymous album in late September via Drive-Thru Records. But you knew that because you're a hardcore fan. Right?

11.28.06 - Barrie, Ontario - Foundation #
11.29.06 - London, Ontario - Salt Lounge #
11.30.06 - Ottawa, Ontario - Capitol Music Hall #
12.01.06 - Montreal, Quebec - Le National #
12.02.06 - Toronto, Ontario - The Phoenix #
12.03.06 - Samia, Ontario - Industry Theater #
12.06.06 - Minneapolis, MN - First Avenue $
12.07.06 - Lawrence, KS - Granada Theatre $
12.08.06 - Denver, CO - Ogden Theatre $
12.09.06 - Salt Lake City, UT - In The Venue $
12.10.06 - Boise, ID - The Big Easy $
12.12.06 - Seattle, WA - The Showbox $
12.13.06 - Portland, OR - The Roseland Theatre $
12.14.06 - San Francisco, CA - The Fillmore $
12.15.06 - Los Angeles, CA - House of Blues $
12.16.06 - San Diego, CA - Soma $
12.17.06 - Las Vegas, NV - The Joint $
12.19.06 - Anaheim, CA - House of Blues $
12.20.06 - Anaheim, CA - House of Blues $
12.21.06 - Tempe, AZ - Marquee Theatre $

# with Silverstein, A Wilhelm Scream, The Sleeping
$ with Senses Fail, Saosin, Bleeding Through

In unrelated news, The Stills begin their U.S. tour today. But you knew that because you're a hardcore fan. Right?

11.27.06 - Boston, MA - Paradise
11.28.06 - Philadelphia, PA - World Cafe
11.29.06 - Washington, DC - 9:30 Club
12.01.06 - New York, NY - Bowery Ballroom
12.02.06 - New York, NY - Bowery Ballroom
12.05.06 - Atlanta, GA - The Loft
12.06.06 - St. Petersburg, FL - State Theater
12.08.06 - Miami, FL - Studio A
12.09.06 - Fort Lauderdale, FL - Culture Room
12.10.06 - Orlando, FL - The Club at Firestone
12.11.06 - Jacksonville, FL - Jack Rabbits
12.12.06 - Asheville, NC - The Orange Peel
12.14.06 - Boston, MA - Paradise