Akon Pleads Not Guilty To The Charge Of Cold Throwin’ A Dude (He Definitely Did It)

At the start of a concert this past June (TMT News), Aliaune Damala Bouga Time Puru Nacka Lu Lu Lu Badara Akon Thiam was struck by a small thrown object, which has been rumored to have been ‘a piece of a pretzel,’ ‘a ball of paper,’ or possibly ‘nothing worth getting angry about.’ He demanded that the crowd produce the object-thrower, and was soon presented with a gangly 15-year-old boy. Akon called upon the wisdom of King Solomon as he removed his shirt. "You who would throw objects at me," he bellowed, hoisting the offending 15-year-old over his head, "now you shall know what it is like to be thrown." And with that, Akon effortlessly tossed the boy up in the air, into the crowd, directly into my client, Abby Rosa, your honor.

It was at this time that Ms. Rosa became concussed.

Now, Mr, Thiam’s attorney, Mr. Benjamin Brafman here has released a public statement which begins, "Given the information that we have reviewed to date, it does not appear to us that Akon was involved in any criminal conduct whatsoever." I ask you, Mr. Brafman, what kind of Strega Nona justice do you believe in that makes Mr. Thiam’s conduct anything other than criminal?

Your honor, at this time, I would like to bring to the attention of the court the following evidence:

- Exhibit A
- Exhibit B
- Exhibit C
- Exhibit D
- Exhibit E

Without further ado, your honor, I’d like to bring up my first witness, Mr. Aliaune Damala Bouga Time Puru Nacka Lu Lu Lu Badara Akon Thiam...

Abby Rosa, if you are reading this, please e-mail me. I would like to defend you in court. Imagine me saying all this in a slow southern drawl.

Young God Releases EP by Fire on Fire; Metallica Withdraw Hastily Filed Lawsuit Against Young God’s “Fight Fire With Fire” But Will Continue to Contest the “Master of Puppets” Children’s Show. Hetfield: “There’s no friggin’ way we’re backing down on this one, dude!”

It's been said that everyone in the world has a twin... except Michael Gira. From early ramblings sidewalking around Europe, kibbutzing around Israel, and no-waving around New York, Gira has lived a life full of eye-opening exploits; many good and some, I’m guessing, not so hot. Without going into too many details (that you could find on your own anyway), it is sufficient to say that the man’s “life experience” section on his CV runs a few reams long.

However, as unique an individual as he is and as venturesome as his life has been, Gira’s taste in music has always been predictable. When it comes time to sign acts to his Young God label, his choices range from the sublime to the remarkably sublime. The latest troupe touched by the hand of Gira is Fire on Fire, a five-piece nouveau bluegrass band that have that same Young God feel to them: southern gothic, down-hominess with swelling almost gospel-touched unison singing... you know the drill. Fire on Fire screams realness and authenticity (or they at least fake it marvelously). Their debut 5-song EP is out now, but not available at your reliable music outlets.

We're all for the handsome, handmade sleeves that hold this divine disc (created by Fire on Fire’s multi-talented warbler Colleen Kinsella), and we will not be deterred by the limited number available (1000 copies only), but knowing that the release is only purchasable exclusively at shows and on Young God's website, well, let’s just say that, as sure as sugar is sweet, we'll buy the EP, but damn you, Gira, Sir! This EP demands widespread distribution and should be readily available all our favorite eateries and knocking shops!

Easy peasy EPeasy:

1. Hangman
2. Liberty Unknown
3. My Lady Coffin
4. Amnesia
5. Three or More

Exclusive Liars and No Age Mashup, Tour

I had a dream that there was an awesome Liars and No Age (pictured) mashup. It came true. This might be the most seamless, yet intricate mashup I've ever heard.

Liars' "What Would They Know" with No Age's "Boy Void" (exclusive Firefox version; sorry IE users):

codebase="http://fpdownload.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=7,0,0,0"
width="400" height="16" >




quality="high" bgcolor="#E6E6E6" name="xspf_player" allowscriptaccess="sameDomain"
type="application/x-shockwave-flash"
pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer"
align="center" height="16" width="400">

Pay me whatever you feel like, and you can hear the entire thing.

I also had a dream that Liars and No Age were touring together starting January 2008. It came true again. Now hopefully I'll have a dream where "the monster" will awake from its long slumber, if you know what I mean.

Tourdates:

Ministry Go on Tour to Say Goodbye; The Non-Informational Part of This Headline Isn’t A Joke

Normally, here at TMT, we like to gently poke fun at musicians and lash out angrily at the music industry. Headlines are typically absurd and vaguely hint at what the article will be about. We usually encourage you to buy a large bag of salt to go with what we write.

But we can do serious, too. Like right now. Now I’m serious.

Influential metal outfit Ministry are saying goodbye on a trek to promote their final album, September’s The Last Sucker. The shows will feature a multimedia presentation, including a retrospective video of Ministry’s career.

See?

“C U LaTouR” tourdates:

Dear Diary,

Ah, hello, Jens here again! You know I woke up the other day and realized that Christmas/Yule is only a couple weeks away, and I still haven’t decided what I want! So, here it is, Mr. or Mrs. Diary, my complete wishlist:

- an IKEA bed frame
- avocados (note to self: try not to cut finger while slicing)
- a frame picture of Morrissey
- a smorgasbord
- a girlfriend
- a tour of Europe starting in February

...Wait, what’s that diary? You’re telling me I already have a tour scheduled for February? Ah, be still my heart! Sure wish I had that girlfriend to share the experience with..... (hint hint, to anyone who might be reading this).

Until next time,

Jens!

Jens Falls Over Europe:
02.15.08 – Copenhagen, Denmark - Vega
02.16.08 – Berlin, Germany - Lido
02.18.08 – Turin, Italy - El Barrio
02.19.08 – Ravenna, Italy - Teatro Rasi
02.20.08 – Geneva, Switzerland - PTR-Usine
02.21.08 – St. Gallen, Switzerland - Palace
02.23.08 – Munich, Germany - Atomic Café
02.24.08 – Frankfurt, Germany - Mousonturm
02.25.08 – Njimegen, Netherlands - Doornroosje
02.26.08 – Amsterdam, Netherlands - Paradiso
02.27.08 – Paris, France - Nouveau Casino
02.28.08 – Brussels, Belgium - AB Club
02.29.08 – Antwerp, Belgium - Trix
03.01.08 – Cologne, Germany - Gebäude 9
03.02.08 – Hamburg, Germany - Molotow
05.09-11.08 – Rye, England - Camber Sand Holiday Centre (ATP vs. Pitchfork)
05.16-18.08 – Minehead, England - Butlin's Holiday Centre (Explosions in the Sky ATP)

The Flying Luttenbachers Disband, XBXRX on Tour

After nearly 16 years of releasing and touring music so confrontational that it makes Stravinksy's The Rite of Spring sound like a love theme, The Flying Luttenbachers have officially decided to call it quits. Featuring a rotating cast of musicians -- such as Ken Vandermark, Fred Lonberg-Holm, Hal Russell, etc., and ending with Mike Green, Ed Rodriguez, and Rob Pumpelly -- the only man present for the entire Luttenbachers ride was Weasel Walter, a composer/producer who was described by Glenn Branca in a Pitchfork interview as "one of the greatest rock composers who ever lived, and he's struggling and living like a poverty-stricken hermit."

"I feel like people have not really begun to deal with the music the band has already made, so it feels redundant and futile for me to make any more at this point," explained Weasel Walter to TMT. "I am confident that in the future there will be a much wider appreciation for The Flying Luttenbachers' music, and perhaps then we may finally reappear. Until then, there are a lot of other things that need to be done. Death is only the beginning."

Including live albums and retrospective collections, The Flying Luttenbachers released a total of 17 full-length albums, virtually all of them self-released through Weasel's own ugEXPLODE Records, as well as through Skin Graft and Troubleman Unlimited. The last Luttenbachers album, Incarceration By Abstraction (featuring a solo Weasel Walter), was released last month on ugEXPLODE. Also released at the same time were three other albums, including a solo disc by Weasel titled Firestorm and an album from black metal group Nondor Nevai. The future will see reissues and remasters of old Luttenbachers albums, including the free jazz album, Trauma, originally released on double-vinyl only.

And just when you thought it was safe to let your kids roam free again, Weasel will continue playing in XBXRX (the band released an improvised album called Sounds earlier this year on Important) and he recently joined Burmese, which Weasel tells us is now a 6-piece, with vocals, two drums, two basses, and Luttenbacher Ed Rodriguez on guitar. He'll of course continue his work in improvised music and composing for large ensembles, while Opulence, a duo CD with guitarist Mary Halvorson, is slated for a Spring 2008 release.

I've had the pleasure of seeing XBXRX and The Flying Luttenbachers live, and I can tell you now that it all but made me realize that being visceral doesn't always have to be at the cost of intellect. While The Luttenbachers as we know them may be gone, there'll be surely enough Weasel-related projects to satiate our decadent appetites. Let's show this "poverty-stricken hermit" some support.

XBXRX tourdates:

- MySpace: http://www.myspace.com/theflyingluttenbachers
- Official website: http://nowave.pair.com/luttenbachers
- ugEXPLODE website: http://nowave.pair.com/ugexplode
- Weasel Walter's webpage: http://nowave.pair.com