To: President Barack Obama
From: NORAD
Date: July 13, 2009
Re: Bi-Quarterly Freak Report
Mr. President,
Below you will find a list of known freak cells with a brief rundown of threatening attributes included for each subject. We have reason to believe that SUBJECTS 2-4 will each rendezvous with SUBJECT 1 in various cities across the United States and Canada over the next three months. Each subject is presumed to be highly dangerous and exceedingly freaky. A catastrophe akin to Waco is virtually guaranteed should SUBJECTS 2-4 rendezvous with SUBJECT 1. We suggest immediate action in order to avoid calamity on any scale:
SUBJECT 1: AKRON/FAMILY
- Experimental folk outfit from New York City.
- Recently released fifth studio album Set ‘Em Wild, Set ‘Em Free (DHS Report)
- Possible Russian spies
- FLAGGEDSUBJECT 2: WOODEN WAND
- Psychedelic pseudonym for James Jackson Toth.
- Appears on a benefit compilation for a subversive Minnesota-based music website.
- FLAGGEDSUBJECT 3: JEFFREY LEWIS
- Extremist member of a reactionary group know as the “anti-folk movement.
- Writes, draws and delivers lectures on comic books.
- FLAGGEDSUBJECT 4: SLARAFFENLAND
- Scandinavian
- FLAGGED
Known rendezvous points:
07.22.09 - Cleveland, OH - Rock & Roll Hall of Fame
07.23.09 - Detroit Lakes, MN - 10,000 Lakes Festival
07.24.09 - Chicago, IL - Bottom Lounge *
07.25.09 - Calgary, AB - Calgary Folk Festival
07.26.09 - Calgary, AB - Calgary Folk Festival
07.29.09 - Steamboat Springs, CO - Ghostranch Saloon
07.30.09 - Vail, CO - The Sandbar
07.31.09 - Denver, CO - Bluebird Theater
08.02.09 - Liberty Park, NJ - All Points West Festival
08.11.09 - Washington, DC - Rock & Roll Hotel ^
08.12.09 - Carrboro, NC - Cat's Cradle ^
08.13.09 - Atlanta, GA - E.A.R.L. ^
08.14.09 - Birmingham, AL - BottleTree ^
08.15.09 - Asheville, NC - Harvest Festival at Grey Eagle Tavern
08.28.09 - San Francisco - Outside Lands Festival
08.29.09 - Los Angeles, CA - El Rey Theater !
09.07.09 - Seattle, WA - Bumbershoot Festival
09.08.09 - Portland, OR - Baghdad Theatre
09.10.09 - Baltimore, MD - Talking Head Club #
09.11.09 - Philadelphia, PA - Johnny Brenda's #
09.12.09 - Monticello, NY - ATP NY Festival
09.14.09 - Hudson, NY - Jason's Upstairs # %
09.15.09 - Williamsport, PA - Site B # %
09.16.09 - Ithaca, NY - Castaways # %
09.17.09 - Buffalo, NY - Mohawk Place # %
09.18.09 - London, ON - LOLA Fest
09.19.09 - Detroit, MI - Magic Stick # %
09.20.09 - Louisville, KY - 21C Museum Atrium Gallery # %
* Icy Demons
^ Wooden Wand
# Jeffrey Lewis &The Junkyard
% Slaraffenland
! ! Howlin' Rain, Lucky Dragons
