Warning: The following account is violent, sexy, and a little misogynist. It is based on truth.
The still suspiciously named Andrew Bird just flew over my Ford Fiesta last month and dropped a giant splotch-of-an-album, Armchair Apocrypha (TMT Review), all over my windshield. Rather than get pissed and curse the sky, I took a listen after stealing a car stereo from a Camaro. While rocking out to the soothing sounds of the "Bird Man," I made my way to my drugs/arms dealer, who was having a shoot out in front of his house with gang members from the South Bronx. I was baffled and shat my pants. It dawned on me that my friend, Chance, from the popular VH1 crime-drama, I Love New York, had never listened to Andrew Bird's haunting violin. I ran into his house, dodging bullets, and handed him the CD. He said "thanks" and handed me a gat.
I shot the .45 while running (I am very amazing at running and shooting) toward the car of gang people. I found that underneath a red bandana, covering his face, was my old school mate "Skeet Dawg." We put our guns down and both laughed aloud. We did the special handshake and then I hopped in his ride. I was in the back seat eating a chicken chimichanga and shooting up when I heard space-y guitars facing off against rampant drums droning from Skeet's speakers. "Man, who is this?" Skeet, who was canoodling with a hooker in the front while driving, told me that it was a bootleg copy of the new Apostle Of Hustle album National Anthem of Nowhere, released March 6 on Arts & Crafts. I questioned his knowledge and preference of Indie Rock due to his stereotypical thug physique. He told me that he was a fan ever since he met Andrew Whiteman at a Broken Social Scene concert last year in Harlem. He explained to me how Whiteman is the 30th guitarist and MVP of BSS and how Apostle of Hustle is an underrated band.
It was then that Skeet said that Apostle Of Hustle would be touring with Andrew Bird. I called bullshit and threw a brick at his face. We swerved into a ditch where the car exploded. We all made it out alive, except for the hooker. Skeet made a few calls on his iPhone. He said he'd prove to me that the tour was real. I told him something that ironic was impossible. Within a half hour, an SUV pulled to the side of the street, and in the driver's seat was Andrew Whiteman himself. I felt embarrassed, as if my mouth was full of testicles. Skeet was right! Skeet and Whiteman told me that the "Bird Man" was giving a lecture on heretics at Illinois' Northwestern University, where Bird graduated with a bachelor's degree in violin performance. When we got to campus, I saw my TMT news editor, Matt Weir, who kicked me directly in the abdomen. He shouted at me to stop pointlessly name-dropping and writing weak articles for the scholarly journal, Tiny Mix Tapes. I told him he was mean, and then he drop-kicked me like '80s Jean-Claude Van Damme while saying, "Life is mean, asshole."
After cleaning off the blood, we watched Bird's thrilling lecture at a local Wendy's near campus. Before sundown, Bird had showed the crowd of seven people how to properly convert a Frosty into fossil fuel. At the end of the lecture, he announced that he would in fact be going on tour with Apostle Of Hustle. I was shocked at the night's events, and once again I felt those familiar testicles in my mouth. I met Bird that night (Larry Bird, not Andrew Bird -- he left with Skeet, Whiteman, and Weir to get hookers) and he taught me that life isn't about demeaning women, using drugs, or listening to hipster music. He taught me that life was about being clutch, like him, and that once you overcome the extreme pressures of others, you will succeed in life. That was when I shot him and said, "Life is mean, asshole." I left him for the dogs and caught up with my homies. That night underneath the stars, Skeet, Andrew Whiteman, Andrew Bird, and I learned that life is unpredictable and that Ice Cube has gone soft on all of us.
I forgot what this was all about. Oh, yeah! Andrew Bird tourdates:
04.11.07 - Grand Rapids, MI - Calvin College - Ladies Literary Club
04.12.07 - Detroit, MI - Majestic Theater
04.13.07 - Columbus, OH - Southern Theatre
04.14.07 - Newport, KY - Southgate House Ballroom
04.16.07 - Nashville, TN - Mercy Lounge
04.17.07 - St. Louis, MO - The Pageant
04.18.07 - Urbana, IL - Canopy Club
04.20.07 - Chicago, IL - Riviera Theatre
04.21.07 - Milwaukee, WI - Pitman Theater *
04.22.07 - Columbia, MO - Blue Note *
04.23.07 - Omaha, NE - Sokol Underground *
04.25.07 - Boulder, CO - Fox Theatre *
04.27.07 - Tucson, AZ - Rialto Theatre *
04.28.07 - Indio, CA - Cochella
04.30.07 - Hollywood, CA - Amoeba Records
05.01.07 - Francisco, CA - Fillmore San *
05.02.07 - Sacramento, CA - Harlowe's
05.04.07 - Portland, OR - Crystal Ballroom *
05.05.07 - Seattle, WA - Showbox Theater *
05.06.07 - Bellingham, WA - Viking Union Multipurpose Room, Western University
05.11.07 - Minneapolis, MN - First Avenue
05.12.07 - Grinnell, IA - Herrick Chapel, Grinnell College
05.16.07 - Boston, MA - Berklee Performance Center
05.17.07 - New York, NY - Webster Hall
05.18.07 - Philadelphia, PA - Theatre of Living Arts
05.20.07 - Washington, DC - 9:30 Club
* Apostle of Hustle