Andrew Bird Tours; Really Just the Only Feasible Platform for Me to Expound on a Recurring Three Dog Night Fantasy I’ve Been Having

(NOTE: Please skip to THE POINT if you’re not in the market for details on the start of a budding friendship between Roseanne Barr and Alex Carusillo.)

There are three reasons why I should re-evaluate any moment in my life at which I entertained the possibility of attaining street-cred:

(1) My (undisclosed) first name;

(2) People frequently addressing me with exclamation points (damning, condescending, nose-to-the-sky punctuation);

and, MOST IMPORTANTLY,

(3) My resurfacing rock star fantasy.*

I’m dressed in all white. I’m on a bustling street corner. Passersby include (but are not limited to) my guitar teacher Gary, Hilary Duff, a former OMFG I WANNA LIKE MARRY U WE R IN LUV ex, my high school history teacher Mr. Kennedy, Alex Carusillo, Nancy: my former grocery store supervisor, and Roseanne Barr, (for good flannel shirt-ed measure). I'm performing an un-ironic rendition of Three Dog Night’s (repeat: Three Dog Night’s) “One is the Loneliest Number.” The crowd actually goes pleasantly wild in said fantasy, save Roseanne and Alex, who have bonded over their healthy distaste for everything [NOTE: Three Dog Night is, apparently, everything]. They arrange to get coffee after scoffing my second guitar solo, both scheming to spit on my superb white boots (a plan that is tactfully intercepted by a stern, deliberate head shake from my history teacher).

* loosely based on actual fantasy-occurring events

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THE POINT: ANDREW BIRD’S LIST-O’-CRED

Three reasons why Andrew Bird doesn’t need to ease his sorrows in Three Dog Night:

(1) His gently unassuming first (and last) name

(2) (a) Armchair Apocrypha (TMT Review)

(b) He was on DAVID (FUCKING) LETTERMAN

(c) He’s a solo artist with a reputation for not letting such diminish an impressive live performance (he plays loops of his own sounds while performing to achieve more of a band feel, apparently).

(3) A quick check of this Filter article will reveal his farm boy roots. And if on said farm Andrew Bird put down his violin, snapped on some overalls, and wrangled some... chickens -- well, that’d certainly quell any association to his swing revival, Squirrel Nut Zippers past he might be stressing over.

TOURDATES:

* The Decemberists

Three reasons why this is in list format:

(1) Lists effectively feign organization;

(2) So does the rule of three.

(3) Roseanne Barr-Carusillo?

[Photo: Cameron Wittig]

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