Apple Placed on Homeland Security Watchlist for Ties with Eco-Terrorism

In a darling action that has surprised environmental activists and computer nerds alike, Steve Jobs has reportedly been undergoing a one-man struggle to protect the earth and all that is sacred therein from the brink of environmental destruction. News feeds from the small Pacific island of Iwo Jima recount eye-witness testimony of a wet-suit clad Jobs single-handedly commandeering Japanese whaling ships and harpooning all crew members on board in the heart. When asked about his newfound passion for the elephants of the sea, Jobs stated that he's really just a bandwagon jumper trying to capitalize on North American's new green-chic movement in an attempt to corner a larger share of the home computer market.

Coincidently, Greenpeace has started championing Apple as the green computer of the new century. Apple has announced it will phase out the worst of the worst e-waste chemicals, Brominated Fire Retardants (BFRs) and Polyvinyl Chloride (PVC) by 2008. Greenpeace representatives were reached for comment but were too busy ejaculating in their pants to respond; however, they did make a statement on their website. The plan puts Apple ahead of Dell by one year; Dell committed to stop manufactoring products with these chemical by 2009. But c'mon, Dell announced its plan first. It's like bidding your way on-stage on the Price is Right. If some asshole bids $560,000 on a pair of scooters, you get the change to bid $1 and walk away looking like a genius. Of course you're going to win, and this is exactly the same thing.

To be completely fair to the world's fifth-largest computer manufacturer, it did take the environmental lead in 2006 by being the first company to fully dump cathode-ray tube (CRT) displays. Now you may be asking, "EZ, how bad can these monitors be? I know they're big and all, and don't get you laid very easy, but its not like they're killing children or anything."

Well they kinda are, just not in North America. A typical CRT monitor contains approximately 3 lbs. of lead. And since our illustrious leaders have brokered some pretty liberal free-trade deals with our East, South, and South East Asian friends, the vast majority of our monitors end up in landfills in Bangladesh, India, and the Philippines, where some industrious children make a relative shitload of money (compared to your little brother's paper route, and... well that's probably the only job), salvaging what their politicians, currency speculators, and military leaders throw away. But we send them our old monitors, so the tetnus is their leaders' fault. The lead poisoning? That's all us.

And even if you're an elitist douche bag who couldn't give a fuck about some Tamil kid in Sri Lanka, you should be concerned. Because the good ol' US of A still allows a lot of e-waste to find its way into your landfills. Currently, e-waste makes up only 2% of all garbage in the United States but releases 70% of all toxic chemicals found on American soil.

But hey, why should you care, Steve Jobs has it all taken care of. And with Greenpeace on his side, he's an unstoppable behemoth... a whale savin', Japanese harpoonin', kid-savin' behemoth. Wait... I'm confused... I thought Greenpeace hated capitalism. What a bunch of sell-outs.

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