Are You Telling Me the Minus The Bear Tour Is Already Underway and We Haven’t Written About It Yet? Well, Don’t Blame Me. I Stubbed My Toe!

The house party was well underway, and very well attended after kids from the rival high school had spread the word around to "go trash some goof's house." Word got 'round eventually to Seattle's finus, Minus the Bear, who decided to let off some steam and take a well-deserved night off from recording their new album and before starting a spring tour with The Honorary Title and labelmates Chin Up Chin Up. Taylor Hawkins (no relation to Foo Fighters drummer of the same name, but just as punchable), entrusted by his parents to "make sure the plants get watered and the cat fed," talks to the freshly arrived constables: Jack "JJ" Johnston and John "Double J" Jackson.

JJ: So, tell us again more about what the holy heck happened here. You said something about the guitarist, um, David Knudson, standing on some sort of table?

Taylor: Not "some sort of table!" An antique early-Georgian oval pedestal mahogany table that my parents swindled some little old lady out of at a garage sale last August! That's what "sort of table"!

Double J: Um, o-kaaay. What did he do?

Taylor: He was wearing a bandolier of shot glasses and was pouring jiggers of my parents Remy Martin Louis XIII cognac while reciting the "last barman poet" speech from Cocktail! I mean, c'mon! First of all, Tom Cruise is so lame...

Double J: Now, listen up, son. You don't have to take that tone. Tom Cruise is a great actor and I'll be damned...

JJ: It's okay Double J...

Double J: No, it's not okay. I'm taking a stand here, JJ. I've had enough of people badmouthing one of this nation's greatest human beings, living or dead or otherwise. Anyone who has breathed sweet life into the two true Gods on Earth, Vietnam vets and NASCAR drivers, has my respect. Viva la Cruise, I say!!!

Taylor: Okay! Okay! I'm sorry alright!? But what are you going to do about my house?

JJ: Alright, we are all tired and upset... let's keep this professional. Anything else happen?

Double J: Once again you're the model of reason, JJ. Okay, what about this bucket of animal entrails, sweetbreads, offal, and stomach lining sitting here.

Taylor (looking at list of "suspect" names with instruments played by each member of Minus the Bear for some reason): Him, Cory Murchy, the guy playing bass, said he needed them for something. I think he wanted to make haggis.

Double J: He, he... bass players... What else?

Taylor: The drummer, Erin Tate, stole the $150 my parents left for emergencies and said he was going to buy a couple of cases of beer.

JJ: Should have a lot of money left if he only bought a couple of cases...

Taylor: He brought back two hookers with him, too.

JJ: Okay, that adds up then. I've found you can get two hookers for a reduced rate at the corner of First & Nelson, if you're willing to pay for some drive-thru burgers and give them a lift home after you've finished your monkey business.

Double J: That's true. How do you think I've managed to save some money for our upcoming trip to Acapulco? I've been getting busy 'round the back of the station on company time for barely anything because I throw my regular gal a couple packs of smokes and let her wear my cop hat. At least I think it is a gal... I'm usually pretty wasted at that point during my shift.

Taylor: Would you guys stop talking about hookers!

Double J: Sorry son. Uh, yeah, we really are taking this seriously. What about the keyboardist, Axl Rose?

JJ: It says Alex' here.

Taylor: Him? He managed to get two sumo wrestlers to come over and fight in my kitchen. Then they whipped off their obis and made... um, they made...

JJ: What was it son? "If you can't tell the police something, it isn't worth telling." Haven't you read our posters? Spit it out, son.

Taylor: Um... sweet, sweet love.

Both cops: Bleaaaaghahahahahahaha!!!

Taylor: It's not funny... the singer, Jake Snider, was wearing my mom's wedding dress and my dad's favorite fish tie. He also got someone to make a plastercast of his cock 'n' balls and put it on the mantle!"

JJ: He, he. Alright, alright.

Taylor: ... then he took some acid, climbed on our roof and yelled, "I am a golden god!" before jumping into our pool!

Double J: Like in Almost Famous? Cool.

Taylor: No, not cool!

JJ: Alright. Enough is enough. You badmouth Tom Cruise, you obviously have something against ladies of the night. I, I, I've had it! I need to unwind. Sit here and we'll be back later for some more answers after checking out the band. C'mon Double J.

Taylor (reduced to tears): Sob, sniff... but, I made the complaint, shouldn't you be doing something? Blubber, blubber...

Cops: Tut, tut... sit!

Sure enough, the cops went around back to where the band was winning over everybody on site with their shenanigans. The two relaxed and hit on underage girls while the five monsters of schizo jittery rock proceeded to play throughout the night. All the partygoers were instantly bellowing cheers and some were reduced to tears of joy, as MtB regaled all with tracks from its dynamite releases, including some new songs from their forthcoming album, Planet of Ice, due August 21. Among these was "Dr. L'Ling" which some revellers were already familiar with because they had heard the tune by clicking on the band's most excellent label's website Suicide Squeeze. You never know what will happen when Minus the Bear play, but it's always a treat. We can't promise impromptu monologues from half-assed movies, Scottish delicacies, or decorative mantel casts, but then again, we can't not promise you won't not see any of that either, neither... capiche? "Taylor" unfortunately won't be at any of the dates listed below; he still suffers from night terrors and is presently undergoing severe psychological treatment to cure his chronic screaming that happens whenever anyone mentions the words "Minus the Bear" in his presence. The tour started last week but continues... tonight!
05.02.07 - Santa Cruz, CA - The Catalyst $
05.03.07 - San Francisco, CA - Great American Music Hall $
05.04.07 - San Luis Obispo, CA - Downtown Brew $
05.05.07 - Los Angeles, CA - Ex Plex $
05.06.07 - Solano Beach, CA - Belly Up Tavern $
05.08.07 - Las Vegas, NV - House of Blues $
05.10.07 - Colorado Springs, CO - The Black Sheep $
05.11.07 - Lawrence, KS - Granada Theatre 4
05.12.07 - Iowa City, IA - Picador $
05.13.07 - Champaign, IL - High Dive $
05.14.07 - Sauget, MO - Pops $
05.15.07 - Chicago, IL - Beat Kitchen (early show)%
05.15.07 - Chicago, IL - Beat Kitchen (late show)#
05.16.07 - Milwaukee, WI - Pabst Theatre ^
05.17.07 - Minneapolis, MN - Triple Rock Social Club $
05.18.07 - Minneapolis, MN - Triple Rock Social Club *
05.19.07 - Fargo, ND - The Aquarium $
05.21.07 - Omaha, NE - Sokol Underground $
05.23.07 - Denver, CO - Bluebird $
05.24.07 - Aspen, CO - Belly Up $
05.25.07 - Salt Lake City, UT - Club Sound $
05.27.07 - Quincy, WA - Gorge Amphitheatre, Sasquatch Music Festival

# Chin Up Chin Up

$ Chin Up Chin Up & The Honorary Title

% The Honorary Title

^ Chin Up Chin Up, The Honorary Title & Maritime

* Chin Up Chin Up, The Honorary Title & P.O.S.

Minus the Bear, plus the possible tracklisting:

1. Burying Luck
2. Ice Monster
3. Knights
4. White Mystery
5. Dr. L'Ling
6. Part 2
7. Throwin' Shapes
8. When We Escape
9. Double Vision Quest
10. Lotus