From Baltimore With Love: Upcoming Beach House Tour Brings Quiet Pretty Rock, Probably Not the SpongeBob Dance

Ah, Baltimore. Charm City. Home to John Waters, John Hopkins University, and -- according to Wikipedia -- a dance called the SpongeBob. This illustrious city on the Patapsco River is also home to a really awesome aquarium, where I bought a shirt with a beluga whale on it when I was a kid, as well as being the main headquarters of globe-trotting dream-pop duo Beach House. Although they've only been together for three years, by now you're probably familiar with the group's delicate organ-accented shoegaze jams, either through hearing their acclaimed self-titled debut or their follow-up, this year's Devotion (TMT Review).

They've been touring like crazy, hitting the road for lengthy periods of time, and going to places Sarah Palin's never even heard of! And now they're heading back across the Atlantic, getting ready to take on Europe (and the East Coast) -- very, very quietly. Of course, they'll be doing more than just racking up frequent flyer miles, posing with tourists in front of cathedrals, and playing awesome festivals. If we've learned anything from checking their MySpace profile several times a week to see when a new album is coming out -- which I, um, totally don't do -- it's that Beach House takes a nice promotional photograph. Seriously, they have some of the best promo pics I have ever seen. Way higher class than any internet picture you or I could ever hope to have. And where better to take awesome photos than on a European touring vacation?

Seriously: big things are coming from this tour. I can feel it.

@ Jana Hunter

* The Walkmen

**Tickley Feather

Trans-Siberian Spreadin’ The Wealth, Leave $10,000 Tip

By Sarah Palin

America, don’t say I didn’t warn you. Senator John McCain and I spent the last few months travelin’ around the country, askin’ for your vote so that we could fight the powers of evil that threaten our great nation. Alas, the majority of you did not give us that vote. And now, you will pay. In fact, Judgement Day has arrived! Now that your anti-Christ BaracKKK Hussein NObama (a.k.a., The Really Really Super Evil One) is the president-elect, Socialist ideals have already begun eatin’ away our nation. What was once a land of hard-workin’, individualistic Joe-The-Plumbers is now devolvin’ into a massive Communist orgy.

Just look at this: New York City-based socialist/terrorist/Jihadist musical group Trans-Siberian Orchestra recently left a $10,000 tip at Sullivans Steakhouse in Omaha. This IN ADDITION to the tips they’d been leaving every single night for three weeks. Now, I spent some time in Omaha while we were campaignin’ and I must say, it’s not only the nicest city in the state of Canada, but it’s probably the nicest city in all of the Northeastern United States. I don’t know why this crazy Orchestra of Siberians would spread their wealth, but I know the people of Omaha are probably secretly hurtin’ over the whole episode.

This group of collectivist sinners may typically masquerade as a rock orchestra playing pseudo-classical prog-rock versions of Christmas classics, but I am going to out them right here: they are socialists. Just like Baraq Al Qaedabama. This sort of behavior is not somethin' that the average workin’-class REAL American will stand for. To leave ten grand for the waiters at Sullivans is simply another example of “spreadin’ the wealth.” Get ready for more of this folks, because this is how it’s gonna be from here on out. It might already be too late. Take cover while you can ‘cause we’re headed back to the days when dinosaurs and humans walked the Earth together. As for me, I’m headed back to Alaska to bury my head in the snow. Bye now!

Boduf Songs on His First U.S. Tour (They Grow Up So Fast)

Moody, blacker than black slowcore folk superstar Boduf Songs, fresh from dropping How Shadows Chase the Balance (TMT Review) on the flawless Kranky label, will bring joy to all the girls and boys this fall in his first U.S. tour. (Since this is his first U.S. tour, try and be nice, ya'll!) The tour includes two New York shows and a shit-ton of art galleries. The jaunt across the upper Midwest and Northeast also includes some on-air playin' and spitballin' on Pittsburgh's low-power, but pretty darn good WPTS before his performance later that night on November 19.

If his live show bears any of the intensity of this recent work, do not drink before these shows, unless you want to leap off a bridge later that night. All shows with To Kill a Petty Bourgeoisie.

Casiotone For The Painfully Alone Decide to Get Out of the House and Tour This November on Advice from New Psychiatrist

New Treatise on the Treatment of Agoraphobia

In attempting to rid oneself of the painful loneliness and draining anxiety often associated with moderate-to-severe Agoraphobia, it is of utmost importance that one begin simply. One must devise a certain activity that possesses the, shall I say, “malleability” so as to have the preordained characteristic of growth from distractingly intense inward focus to full-fledged public display. Several potential treatment options were examined, including baking, writing, bed-making-and-unmaking-and-then-making-again, and bird watching. But, fascinatingly, months of field research have yielded compelling results when one particular treatment method is employed: the Indie Rock Project Method.

- STEP 1: Start a modest indie rock “bedroom project.” The “bedroom” aspect is key here. Give the project a name that signals your condition to outsiders who may initially confuse you for a glamour-seeking social gadabout like Kevin Barnes. Let us consider the name “Casiotone for the Painfully Alone” in our example.

- STEP 2: Make a new record. Start small, perhaps with an EP, perhaps with a compelling title such as Town Topic. This EP could consist of almost anything; the only goal here is creative focus of the mind. It could even consist of 13 instrumental pieces, bookended by two vocal tracks, with titles like “Ice Cream Truck” (a therapeutic story of criminal-minded kids who go joy-riding in a stolen ice cream truck, perhaps?) and “Green Cotton Sweater (version)” (featuring blown-out drum machine rhythms, clattering pianos, and systematic vintage amp therapy?).

If you find yourself progressing with the treatment more quickly than expected, consider working with one or more outside artists, like new filmmaker Laruel Nakadate, for example. Construct your new EP in collaboration with his or her medium. For instance, your Town Topic EP would also function as the original soundtrack to Nakadate’s debut film Stay The Same Never Change.

- STEP 3: Set up a small tour in support of your new EP/soundtrack. Don’t worry; you need not leave the U.S. on this tour, and it need not include more than 10 dates for the treatment to remain effective. Please note that this process will seem daunting at first, but consider the following: you have already put in so much work on the product that it would be simply foolish not to tour on it. Also consider that these nightly live recreations of a record that you produced in the comfort of your own home will provide some measure of relief as you travel farther and farther from your former prison. Please see FIGURE 1a. below for an example tour schedule.

FIGURE 1a: Casiotone for the Painfully Alone “Systematic Desensitization” Tour ’08:

Earth Re-Releases Latest Album as Double LP Deluxe “Bible” Version; Every Time Southern Lord Puts Out Something Sacrilegious, a Demon Gets Its Wings Equipped with Gigantic Eyeballs

Dylan Carlson, mastermind of drone demigods Earth and hero to that weird guy in your Russian Civ class who wears a hooded cloak on chilly days, ain’t afraid to pull a sacrilege or two for the sake of his art. Like his heroes Black Sabbath before him, Carlson loves sticking it to the Christian ascendancy, filling their nightmares with scores of Beelzebubs thrashing baby Jesus with skyscraper-sized hell guitars. Unfortunately, the moral majority has no idea who Dylan Carlson is and probably never will since Christians tend to avoid people in hooded cloaks who aren’t monks. Such is their nature, and Satan bless ‘em for it!

Like so many other doom metal artists, Carlson’s brand of blasphemy is more sacrilege for sacrilege’s sake, with the latest addition in this demonstration of desecration being the limited-edition deluxe “biblical” reissue of Earth’s early ’08 album The Bees Made Honey in the Lion’s Skull (TMT Review). What makes it so scriptural, you ask? According to the vile beasties at Southern Lord Records, the gold-colored, 180-gram records come in an “over the top bible-esque tripe gatefold jacket” with a faux leatherette cover and gold embossed lettering. You know, because only one version of the Bible has ever been published, and it is leather-bound and lined with gold-leaf. Dammit, Southern Lord, I know the Christian Bible isn’t exactly your thing, but you should at least realize that fake leather and gold embossing does not a Bible look-alike make. At least include some fan-fictionalized version of Acts of the Apostles or something!

Despite a disappointing score on the sacrilege scale, the rest of this package seems pretty cool. Bob Weston of Shellac remastered the audio specifically for vinyl, and the inside pages include art and photographs from dragon and skull painter extraordinaire Arik Roper . The deluxe vinyl release also includes a bonus track, “Junkyard Priest,” and if the rest of the album is any indication, this song will most likely rock considerably. Get this album for the music, not the blasphemy.

Make no mistake, our usual morning routine at TMTHQ consists of quickly rifling off and posting a couple of stories of the "Pete Doherty and Amy Winehouse Both OD While Entwined in Blindfolded 69" or "Mildly Interesting Band to Tour" variety before quickly stepping out to sit around, wolf down a couple of these fucking atrocious things, and brag about our previous nights' fabricated conquests (in reality, a quick ass or nut grope in the lineup at the bar). However, if we get a real news nibble, then it's all hands on deck and noses to the grindstone until we hunt-and-peck type ourselves a story that is invariably dull and formulaic (this writer's specialty!). But at least they are timely! For example, if we get a hot tip that Radar Bros. have announced a few December U.S. dates, then it is our sworn duty to crank something out for our readers' enjoyment hasta pronto!

'Tis true. The Radar Bros. have announced some U.S. dates after they complete their current European tour, currently underway and continuing November 11 in the land of chocolate and schwingen, Switzerland. The band now consists of elder bro Jim Putnam alongside two new male siblings: Brian Hussey (bass, vocals) and Stevie Treichel (drums). The Brothers are touring in support of their latest album, Auditorium (TMT Review), released at the beginning of 2008 by matron-like label Merge.
11.11.08 - Zürich, Switzerland - Rote Fabrik
11.12.08 - Toulouse, France - Le Cri de la Mouette
11.13.08 - Castellón, Spain - Teatre Principal, Tanned Tin Festival
11.15.08 - Don Benito, Spain - Rincon Pio Sound
11.16.08 - Lisbon, Portugal - Lounge
11.17.08 - Zaragoza, Spain - La Lata de Bombillas
11.18.08 - Grenoble, France - Eve
11.19.08 - Dijon, Spain - Deep Inside
11.20.08 - Nantes, France - Live Factory
11.22.08 - Rennes, France - Bar 1929
11.23.08 - Paris, France - Le Bellevilloise
11.24.08 - Brighton, England - Komedia #
11.25.08 - London, England - Metro
11.26.08 - Brimingham, England - Bar Academy
11.27.08 - Manchester, England - The Dulcimer
12.06.08 - Chapel Hill, NC - Local 506
12.07.08 - Washington, DC - Black Cat, Backstage
12.08.08 - New York, NY - Mercury Lounge
12.09.08 - Cambridge, MA - The Middle East, Upstairs
12.10.08 - Brooklyn, NY - Union Hall
12.11.08 - Philadelphia, PA - Johnny Brenda's
12.12.08 - Baltimore, MD - Talking Head

# Shearwater