Battles to Tour, TMT Newswriter AJ Pacitti to Keep Her Typically Dirty Mouth Shut out of Actual Respect; Which Translates to “OMFG OMFG I LIKE TOTALLY WORSHIP U IAN WILLIAMS <3 <3 <3” in Internet Girlspeak

Dearest, Sweetest Math Rock Kid,

Battles are touring.

I have nothing cynical to say, so let's live in this sweetest, rare, life-giving moment.

Seriously:

Let's dance like no one's watching. Let's laugh often, and loud, and with -- not at -- each other. Let's hang poorly-decaled wall signs over our dressers that say "Dance as if no one is watching, sing as if no one is listening, love as if you've never been hurt," to further remind ourselves to dance... sing... and love. Let's look deeply into each others' eyes, run in fields barefoot, bask in the moonlight, and wear cut-offs. Let's go joy-riding, reader, baby sweetheart! Then, let's sit back in Adirondack chairs, sip lemonade, and enjoy an abridged version of these dated MTV pseudo-band remix lyrics.

Battles are touring, and we are in love, and drinking lemonade, and life is beautiful. Close your eyes dearest, sweetest math rock kid. Let’s listen, and dance, and live for love...

----

UMeUs Calculus Dream Maker Club Mix

Originally Performed By 2Gether

We'll I've never been good at history

And I don't give a crap

About Robert E. Lee

When it comes to close signs

I know a thing or two

And I kicked ass on the test about me and you

I know my calculus it says

You plus me equals us

Said I know my calculus

It says you plus me equals us

What the world needs right now is boy bands

Perfect, no problem, I've got a boy band

Boy band (x4)

What I need now

Is my troublemaker

I know where the bad boys hang out

Girl, Algebra or trigonometry

Could never equal up to what you do to me (do to me)

So let's integrate

Don't differentiate

If you were in my class

There ain't no way I could pass (way I could pass)

I hate English, gym

And not to mention

I can't even afford to pay my attention (pay my attention)

No philosophy could ever come between us

But we'll always have our calculus

----

U+ME=CANDY HEARTS, LOVE NOTES IN LOCKERS, MAKE-OUT SESHS IN MY PARENTS' DRIVEWAY... AND BATTLES TOURDATES:

$ Caribou, Born Ruffians

Clockclean Er to Release New LP on Load; They Didn’t Go to College And You Don’t Have to Go Either

"God owns my life, not the Beatles," he said simply. "God owns my life, not the Beatles," he said simply. "God owns my life, not the Beatles," he said simply. "God owns my life, not the Beatles," he said simply. "God owns my life, not the Beatles," he said simply. "God owns my life, not the Beatles," he said simply.

"God owns my life, not the Beatles," he said simply. Clockcleaner are releasing their second LP, entitled Babylon Rules October 2 via Load Records. It is accompanied by a short tour around the Northeast. “We're a generation that is kind of troubled," he said. “We're a generation that is kind of troubled," he said. “We're a generation that is kind of troubled," he said. “We're a generation that is kind of troubled," he said.

“We're a generation that is kind of troubled," he said. “We're a generation that is kind of troubled," he said. “We're a generation that is kind of troubled," he said. “We're a generation that is kind of troubled," he said. “We're a generation that is kind of troubled," he said. “We're a generation that is kind of troubled," he said. Clockcleaner or Clockclean Er? One part concert, one part Christian revival, the rallies seek to "stage a reverse revolution" against secular popular culture. One part concert, one part Christian revival, the rallies seek to "stage a reverse revolution" against secular popular culture.

One part concert, one part Christian revival, the rallies seek to "stage a reverse revolution" against secular popular culture:

* Deerhunter

# QUI

Gonerfest V. Bonerfest

Gonerfest” is just one letter away from “Bonerfest.”

Gonerfest is an annual celebration of garage and punk thrown by Memphis, Tennessee’s legendary Goner Records.

Bonerfest is a state of mind.

Gonerfest lasts five days, from September 26-30.

Bonerfest is always going on somewhere.

Gonerfest artists of note include about five Jay Reatard projects and the King Louie One Man Band, perhaps better known as “the guy who secretly wrote almost all of Guitar Romantic by The Exploding Hearts.”

Bonerfest doesn’t feature artists, per se, though its contents could easily be referred to as “art.” It’s complicated. Long story short, everyone would do well to attend both.

When I was growing up, Ma and Pa always used to argue over who made the cranberry sauce last Thanksgiving. Then Pa would edit the family Wikipedia page to say he was the one who had prepared the popular sauce. The next time the argument arose, he would shovel some coal into the back of the computer, screw on the internet hose, and turn the crank until the web browser was warm enough to display his self-made “evidence.” This method worked year after year. Ma could never prove that Pa had made the edit, as she was far too busy ordering looms from the Sears Roebuck catalog to trace his IP address.

Last week, things changed for us simple country folk, when a young upstart by the name of Virgil Griffith launched the website WikiScanner. Combining the Wikipedia database and the IP2Location database into a single search function, Griffith created a tool capable of determining the networks from which specific edits were made. While WikiScanner does not do anything that was not already possible, it makes the process far more efficient, thus unlocking its true potential (much like a six-chamber butter churn or an automated hog-feeder).

A variety of interesting edits have already been found: A user within Disney’s network deleted criticism of Digital Rights Management software, which is used by Disney. A computer owned by the pharmaceutical company AstraZeneca was used to delete references to claims that its product Seroquel made teenagers “more likely to think about harming or killing themselves.” And the motherfucker who ruined the end of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince was working for the Republican Party.

It doesn’t end there. A multitude of edits have been made from within the networks of the FBI, CIA, BBC, Vatican, and, surprise surprise, the major music groups. The editing histories of EMI, Sony BMG, Universal Music Group, Warner Music Group mostly consist of adding links to official artist pages or corrections to the spelling of Steve Guttenberg’s biography. The one edit that stands out was made from a computer at Universal, adding the following two paragraphs to the page on “Copyright”:

“Authors and owners of intellectual properties throughout the ages have tried to direct and control how works would be used. Mozart's patron, Baroness von Waldstätten, allowed his compositions to be freely performed, while Handel's patron (George I, the first of the Hanoverian kings) jealously guarded 'Water Music.'

"Access control was always used as a measure to disallow intellectual property from being distributed without the consent of the author/owner. The [?Library of Alexandria] (aka "The Kings Library") wasn't a place that an average person could walk into and lend a book from. Ptolemy III paid the sum of fifteen talents of silver to be allowed to copy the works of Aeschylus, Sophocles and Euripides."

It appears as if someone at Universal was trying to create a subtle historical case for the use of DRM (They’re right! We should have to pay for the library!). Whether this represents a grand scheme within the company or simply the actions of a rogue employee is indeterminable. All that is required to “trick” WikiScanner is an internet connection with an unfamiliar IP address. (I personally like to steal my neighbor’s wireless when I add boners to John Mayer’s Wikipedia entry.) While the major record labels have proven somewhat slow on the technological uptake in the past, it would be unrealistic to declare that the inner workings of Wikipedia must therefore escape them entirely. One should consider that the labels might already have separate IP addresses for editing Wikipedia and other sneaky internet business, which would beg reconsideration of the edits that WikiScanner has turned up. The very fact that we are able to trace them to a recognizable network could imply that they were not sanctioned by the higher-ups, but rather made by a single employee who was still bored after every Penny Arcade strip and Colbert Report clip available.

Wired has setup up an ongoing crowdsourcing effort to uncover more interesting Wikipedia edits. As for Griffith, he now plans to utilize the “treasure trove of information that people give away” on social networking sites. When I was growing up, we got our RSS feed updates via telegram. These days, even small, private, farming communities like Facebook could become sources of public information.

Scott Herren Hates The Internet

Elton John may have found an ally in his bold fight against technology, web comics, "all your base belong to us," and pictures of kittens speaking with poor grammar for no apparent reason; Guillermo Scott Herren (Prefuse 73, Savath & Savalas, Delarosa & Asora, A Could Mireya, Piano Overlord, and maybe Ahmad Szabo [still not totally sure on that one]) has announced that he abhors technology (that is not directly involved in the construction of supremely crunchy beats) and will do all he can to prevent its proliferation.

Reportedly, Herren was trying out his new catch phrase ("I has maked you a kookie... but I eated it") at a recent show in Brooklyn when the room was promptly flooded by twenty-somethings in ytmnd.com and homestar runner tees. In an effort to keep his audiences as isolated from internet trends as possible, Herren has announced (via skywriting plane, strategically placed billboards, and short-wave radios) that the full version of his upcoming Prefuse 73 album, Preparations, will only be available through physical retailers.

"Techheads will of course still be able to take a trip to Glitchtopia® when purchasing the album online. However, the only ones who will get the the full experience will be those kicking it so old school that they're stopping by their local Coconuts Music to pick up my disc... though I'm not totally sure chains stock my wares or if my fans have access to a local, independently owned record store," Herren was quoted as saying at the recent ILFSFOFCTPNRAPRY!ATGHYBHWANFODUYWOAHDCTWBF (International Luddite Forum Specifically Focusing On Forcing Consumers To Purchase New Records At Physical Retailers, Yup! Also To Get Here You Better Have Walked And Not Flown Or Drove. Unless You Were On A Horse Drawn Carriage. That Would Be Fine).

For those of you gobbling up the AACs at the iTunes music store, expect the following tracks, but not Herren's respect or approval, on October 23:

Preparations

Apparently, the transportation rules of the ILFSFOFCTPNRAPRY!ATGHYBHWANFODUYWOAHDCTWBF do not apply to guest speakers, as Herren will be jet-setting throughout the world on his upcoming tour. His touring schedule makes me feel like a myopic asshole, as I do not even know what hemisphere the third tour stop is in

09.07.07 - Boulder, Co - Boulder Theatre (DJ Set)
09.13.07 - Sao Paulo, Sao Paulo - SESC Pompeia
09.14.07 - Recife Pernambuco - Recife - No Ar Coquetel Molotov - Teatro da UFPE
09.20.07 - London, Ontario - LOLA Outdoor Stage
10.14.07 - Dublin - Whelans
10.15.07 - Leeds - Room 237
10.16.07 - London - Scala
10.17.07 - Manchester - Apollo 2 *
10.18.07 - Brighton - Audio
10.19.07 - Reims - Electricity Festival
10.23.07 - Fribourg - Fri-Son
10.24.07 - Geneve - Usine
11.15.07 - Tampa, FL - Crowbar
11.16.07 - Miami, FL - Studio A
11.17.07 - Orlando, FL - The Social
11.18.07 - Tallahassee, FL - The Beta Bar
11.19.07 - Birmingham, AL - Bottletree
11.21.07 - Atlanta, GA - Drunken Unicorn
11.23.07 - Washington DC - Black Cat
11.25.07 - Philadelphia, PA - First Unitarian Church Sanctuary
11.26.07 - New York, NY - Bowery Ballroom
11.27.07 - Boston, MA - Paradise
11.29.07 - Buffalo, NY - Mohawk Place
11.30.07 - Detroit, MI - Magic Stick
12.01.07 - Chicago, IL - Empty Bottle
12.03.07 - Missoula, MT - The Badlander
12.05.07 - Bellingham, WA - The Nightlight Lounge
12.06.07 - Seattle, WA - Nuemo's
12.07.07 - Portland, OR - Holocene
12.08.07 - San Francisco, CA - Slims

* Battles & Dirty Projectors

Ticketmaster and Live Nation Go The Way Of Brad & Jennifer, Whitney & Bobby, Reese & Ryan; High-Profile Divorce Rocks The Corporate Boat

Where exactly are our family values? In another blow to the American ethics system at the hands of high-profile celebrity couples, the country's most greedy ticket retailer, Ticketmaster, and its concert promoter beau, Live Nation, have halted negotiations, indicating a likely split come the end of the pair's contractual obligations in 2008. Per the Wall Street Journal, House of Blues venues and their parent company Live Nation accounted for nearly 20% of Ticketmaster's $1.1 billion generated last year. Ticketmaster, who's responsible for almost half of all ticket sales in North America, has sought to retain a level of autocratic control over sales, while Live Nation hopes to center more ticket-buying around their own website. Let's just call it irreconcilable differences.

Less of a couple than a money-grubbing corporate conglomerate, the pair have done their best to rid the concert-going public of any semblance of options, damning music fans from coast to coast and beyond to outlandish "service" charges and "processing" fees with few viable, or convenient, alternatives. Even TicketWeb, ostensibly a substitute, shares parent company IAC/InterActiveCorp with Ticketmaster. All this in the name of supporting "venues" that veer more toward tourist traps, the House Of Blues pairing stages with family dining and $15 hamburgers.

While the divorce is far from final (and what of the children!?), it has been reported that Live Nation Chief Bigwig Michael Rapino is considering his own ticketing venture as a way to pad profits, barring a reconciliation. So while the two industry behemoths jockey for position, I am reminded of the tagline for the fine feature film, 2004's Alien vs. Predator. "Whoever wins... we lose."

  

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