Beastie Boys Announce U.S. Tourdates; Paul Revere to Go with Da’ Boyz and Leave Da’ Honey at Home; Me to Remind Him that If He Had Been a Little More Considerate, It’s Possible He Wouldn’t Now Be Sleeping on the Couch Alone /Jockin’ Mike D. To My Dismay/

Relationship Cycle 1: Paul Revere's thinly-veiled attempt to win over an easy chick:

Paul Revere: The Beasties are coming! The Beasties are coming!

Town honey who enjoys being taken advantage of: OH MY GOD! Are Beastie Boys actually touring? For real? M.C.A. gives me hot pants!

Paul Revere: ...The Beasties are touring! The Beasties are touring!

Town honey who enjoys being taken advantage of: It’s really late, Paul Revere. You and your horse can sleep in my guest room tonight. Deal?

Paul Revere: /One lonely Beastie I be/ All by myself with nobody/.

Town honey who enjoys being taken advantage of: Ahhh! That’s from “Paul Revere.” What a great Beastie jam. Seriously. [Lengthy conversation pause]... M.C.A. gives me hot pants!

Paul Revere: Listen, I didn’t want to tell you, but their song, “Paul Revere” -- it’s about me. I inspired it. Seriously. It’s about me.

Town honey who enjoys being taken advantage of: Oh...

Paul Revere: Any other townsmen would have rode over here and used that to try to get in your pants. I’m just not like that, baby. I’m not like the others.

Town honey who enjoys being taken advantage of: Gee, Paul, given the lyrical content of the song, that doesn’t really add up. I mean, the title of the song is “Paul Revere,” but I’m pretty sure Paul Revere is cited as the name of Mike D.’s horse briefly and nothing more comes of the reference. Yeah... the title was “Paul Revere” though... [Weighs options of vapid loneliness versus option to do it with Paul Revere].

So... um... It was way valiant of you to ride by my house to tell me about the tour. Way valiant.

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Relationship Cycle 2: Two Weeks Later, The couple snuggles up to When Harry Met Sally:

Town honey who enjoys being taken advantage of: I just know you’ll love When Harry Met Sally, Paul Revere. I just know it.

Paul Revere: ...

Town honey who enjoys being taken advantage of: Billy Crystal gives me hot pants!

Paul Revere: ...

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Relationship Cycle 3: It’s not you, It’s me:

Town honey who enjoys being taken advantage of: So, the Beastie Boys concert is in a few days.

Paul Revere: Yeah, honey, I’m excited. Get me a Sam Adams.

Town honey who enjoys being taken advantage of: I think you’re taking advantage of me. [Brings over his beer like a good girlfriend.]

Paul Revere: ...THIS ISN’T SUMMER ALE, BITCH! I THOUGHT I SAID I ONLY DRINK SUMMER ALE THIS SEASON...

Town honey who enjoys being taken advantage of: You getting mad gives me hot pants!

Paul Revere: STOP SAYING THAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, STOP SAYING THAT!

Town honey who enjoys being taken advantage of: WELL I’M SORRY IF YOU’RE NOT SATISFYING MY NEEDS, BUT JESUS, PAUL REVERE! I DON’T KNOW WHY THE BEASTIES WOULD EVER NAME A SONG AFTER YOU!

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Relationship Cycle 4: Two minutes later; Paul Revere has had it:

Paul Revere: Yeah, I’m taking your ticket for the concert. Deal with it. My friends want to see Beasties doing their hip-hop thing. Not like the instrumental shit going down in The Mix Up. But I bet that pending album release gives you hot pants, doesn’t it? I bet The Mix Up gives you hot pants! Go buy it June 26! June 26, your pants will be on fire, that’s a promise! Go buy your own tickets!.

BEASTIE BOYS SPREADING HOT PANTS LIKE WILDFIRE; U.S. TOURDATES:

What If There Really Was A Band Of Horses On Tour?(?!)

Seriously, wouldn't that be trippy and all whacked out? Wouldn't that be totally frenetic, or something? Can you imagine? Imagine just standing around, okay, waiting for this band to come out that all your friends have been ravin' about -- you're just standing there at Sugar's Nightclub, feelin' the atmosphere, checking your watch, and then the band comes out, but here's the thing: they're all horses. Not dressed up like horses with brown felt on their heads, but real horses with thick tails flopping around and swatting at flies.

And at first you're like, come on, you're like, this cannot seriously be the band, and you even start to turn around and raise your right eyebrow to the guy next to you, as if to say, get a load of this, and he shrugs his shoulders, like, give 'em a chance, and then you raise your other eyebrow to match the first, as if to say, are you putting me on, but then you turn around and at that very moment the lead singer, who may very possibly be named Whinny, launches into the first song, using his powerful back legs to wail on the guitar. Are you imagining this? And still you're apprehensive, you're like okay they can play but are they a band, because this really, in a way, blows away all the ideas you had about what constitutes a band, and even what the limits of music are. But after a while, you start feelin' the groove and you look back at the guy you raised your eyebrows to before and he's feelin' the groove, so all in all you have a pretty good time at this weird concert that you went to by yourself without reading up on the bands that would be playing and ended up seeing horses play a rhythmically tight set and also swat flies on their muscled rears in between songs. That would be really off the wall.

Well, have a good night.

* The Decemberists

^ Modest Mouse

You Have Been Cordially Invited to Attend The Debut of Kevin Drew

To officially launch the start of the new social season, Arts & Crafts will be holding a debutantes ball on September 18 to commensurate Colonel Reginald Drew's coming-of-age son, Kevin Drew. The debs ball will celebrate young Drew's eligibility to be married into the highest circles of the broken socialite scene. As you may remember, last year's debut of Aziz Ansari caused major rifts amongst the indie nobility for his failure to the adhere to the standard attire of dinner-jacket/bow-tie, resulting in his expulsion from the upper echelon of hipster aristocracy and his fall from grace into the crass world of MTV. Let's hope that Drew does not repeat this Faulkneresque episode and is able to retain his position of prestige as an outstanding member of polite society.

The debut of Kevin Drew will also mark the first of presumably many Broken Social Scene Presents... releases. Arts & Crafts has hired the Lafayette Dixieland Band to soundtrack the evening's festivities with selections from Drew's upcoming album, Spirit if....

Drew claims that he has been working on the soundtrack to his coming-out for the past two years, at times being tempted to release various tracks on Broken Social Scene albums or on other BSS solo projects; however, he found his bandmates' projects to be far to pedestrian for his work. Despite this obvious attack on the virtues and social graces of the other broken socialites, bandmate Leslie Feist has lent her talents to the project in hopes of establishing herself as the premier southern bell of the new season.

The September 18 debut of Drew and his first solo album controversially falls one week before the coming out of Vivien Leigh IV, who in response to this social faux-pas is undergoing a smear campaign to discredit Drew's social status by spreading rumors that his album was produced in part by low-culture icons Ohad Benchetrit and Charles Spearin of the tactless rock band, Do Make Say Think.

“What the World/ Needs Now/ Is Vibrators Shaped Like Gorillaz/ Sweet Vibrators Shaped Like Gorillaz”

O Richard Buckner, vast big-hand explorer of men’s souls, troubadour of the half-sentence, vague malaise-meister of bawling baritone balladry, traveling growl of a flannel clad man, palms the size of eagle wings and fingers thick as redwoods. Where is your Laundromat romance, transient blogger of drive-thru travails and motel misdeeds? Who folds your socks and creases your pant legs, solitary peddler of desperation? The slim chance second chance? Pencil sketches of our American truths, wrapped in greasy sandwich paper and munched by lake with a bottle of wine? The Impasse of communication in crisis, the Dents and Shells of faded valentine hearts, the Meadow of iridescent TV dinners. Hard scoop ice cream stacked too tall, inevitably toppling to the sticky tile floor.

All hail the tired tickler of those steel-stringed serenades. No road like open road:

“What the World/ Needs Now/ Is Vibrators Shaped Like Gorillaz/ Sweet Vibrators Shaped Like Gorillaz”

Just in time for a belated Father’s Day gift, Gorillaz co-creator Jamie Hewlett is designing a set of vibrators shaped like his most beloved creations (take that, Jet Girl) as part of a partnership with classy sex toy company JimmyJane, There will be six different designs, priced at $275 each. If just one vibrator shaped like a singing, dancing cartoon character isn’t enough for your insatiable appetite, all six will be available as a lot for the low, low price of $1,650. In case anyone has yet to click on the JimmyJane link, they also deal in “sexy blindfolds,” “luxury vibrators,” and “sexy gifts for her.”

If anyone reading this is considering purchasing one of these, please e-mail me. I have a few important questions regarding one’s ability to attain a lifestyle where they are able to afford sinking around $300 into something that will wind up anywhere near your pleasure regions. I am serious. This is not a pejorative “you are wasting your money” thing. I want sex toys shaped like bands I don’t even like that much. I want the American dream. I want to live like you.

A brief list of Gorillaz song titles that apply to this: