The TMT Classifieds:

Time-warped, hair metal band needs guitarist for elementary school gigs. Must be experienced in the art of pants stuffing, hair shellacking, and snorting Gold Bond Medicated Powder. Influences? Zep. Lep. Crue! If you shred like Yngwie Malmsteen and look like a gay Wolverine, drop Anüs Cream Pie a line! Laaaaaaaay-terz.

"Stuart Murdoch from Belle and Sebastian is looking for performers/singers to participate in a project called 'God Help the Girl' which he is currently developing. He is making an album of songs based around different voices, which will subsequently be put together to form the backbone of a musical film which he is writing."

Have Viagra. Need women. Any women between 18-80.

"Go here to read Stuart (Murdoch)'s full introduction to the project (described above). At present, he is looking for female singers to record the songs. They will represent the main characters in the film, but he is also looking for other singers to sing in supporting roles."

Hardest working bar(mitzvah) band in the biz needs violin, clarinet, tsimbl, and woodblock players, hora and halaka dancers, and a crusty Yiddish mensch to complete klezmer band. Preferably in time for the end of New Year celebrations tonight or in time to break the fast at Yom Kippur next week! Reply to Praise Challah and Pass the Manischewitz (Happy 5768, my brothers and sisters!).

"Members of Belle and Sebastian will be involved (in Stuart Murdoch's project described above) as the studio band for some of the recording, which will hopefully take place later this year. By following the links around this site, you will be able to listen to and record your own version of one of two songs which have been recorded so far (for Stuart Murdoch's project described above)."

One man band looking for second man band to play two-man band to play either Hindi ghazals and traditional Punjabi songs or crappy indie rock. I haven't decided yet.

"Have a look around and go here for full instructions on how to put yourself forward for one of the parts (in Stuart Murdoch's project described ab... oh shut the fuck up already!). Thanks for your interest & Good luck!"

Upright bassist needed for super successful band. Gigs, big salary, handjobs... Got your attention? We sell Nokia 8800 Sirocco phones, Nokia phones, iPods, games, GPS… Also wanted: unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night. MUST HAVE VAN!

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