Ben Gibbard = El Lobo Solo

Loners are a complicated bunch. For example, Charles Schulz, beloved animator of "Peanuts," was a melancholic, worrisome man who suffered from minor bouts of depression and agoraphobia. He was intimidated to travel and was beset by panic attacks. As a young boy, he skipped two grades in elementary school, thus, was alienated from the other kids and forever rendered the smallest and youngest in class. He remembered disappointments bitterly, always worked without assistants, and was made anxious by the growing success of his comic strip. In typical morose, introvert-speak, Schulz once described his life's work thusly: "All the loves in the strip are unrequited; all the baseball games are lost; all the test scores are D-minuses; the Great Pumpkin never comes; and the football is always pulled away."

Not all loners have crippling demons stomping all over their psyche. Some believe they are better off without anyone validating their own existence. Some simply find solace in one's own company for other reasons. The characteristics that make me a loner stem from my obsession with satiating my feelings and experiences of self-love and self-pleasure. As you can well imagine, it makes it difficult to find the time to interact socially. Anyway, that's enough about my quirks. I'm off to the doctors to get some ribs removed so I can suck my own cock'n'balls. I don't need anyone but me and my (Pea)nuts -- just like Death Cab For Cutie's Ben Gibbard on his upcoming solo tour:

BitTorrent Goes BitLegit, Launches BitLaw-abiding BitService

I think you're going to like this bit of news! I've got a little bit to tell you about! Get your bits off this hot news bit! Here's a lit-le skit about this tight fit-ing bit! Bits!

Whew! That's a lot of bits. So many, in fact, you might want to download it on your BitTorrent client. Up until this news broke, BitTorrent technology was generally used for sharing pirated media like movies, music, video games, and pretty much anything that can be digitized and downloaded. The download process is wonderful, allowing large streams of data to be obtained from a network of users, tapping into the ether where the bits are doing their bit thing.

Obviously not all of these bits of torrent are used for pirated material, but just enough of them are for a bad reputation and occasional legal action to occur. So, our BitFriend, BitTorrent has begun its foray into lawful media downloading. Its service, The BitTorrent Entertainment Network that, as reports, "follows a year of negotiations with the entertainment industry – in all 35 providers -- including MTV Networks, 20th Century Fox and labels like Koch Entertainment and distributors IODA."

A bit of a big step for BitTorrent, as it sheds its open source code for a proprietary one to run their new service. You can rent movies for $4 and own television shows and music videos for $2, while user content is as free as it ever was. Many torrenters will feel angry about this change, as their operating costs will skyrocket anywhere from 200% to 400% That's enough to give anyone a bit of a BitHeadache!

Have no fear though, because when you sign up, you automatically get a free subscription to the new MittTorrent! That's right, all the Mitt Romney mitt-formation you can get your mitts on. Want to hear the Massachus-mitts governor and 2008 Presidential candidate stump about who he is and why? MittTorrent is only a mitt (click) away. Have your cred-mitt card ready, because don't we all want a bit of Mitt?

The White Stripes Announce New Album on Warner Bros.

Howdy to all the TMT Children on and of the Earth,

The White Stripes have completed recording and mixing their sixth album, titled Icky Thump. It's the first album to include a title track -- isn't that awesome? Blah blah blah, "kicks" and "metaphors," blah blah blah, estate of Billy Eckstine.

Icky Thump was recorded at Blackbird Studio in Nashville. As posted on the official White Stripes website: "And word around the sewing circle is that many of your favorite White Stripe type songs may not be your favorite (pronounced favaright) White Stripe type songs for long."

I'm thirsty. What should I drink?

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TMT Financial Analyst Suggests Link Between Magik Markers Tour and Massive Stock Losses

You might have heard that the stock market, the Dow specifically, took a pretty ruthless beating from itself yesterday. Homeboy dropped, like, 500 points. I hear on the news that I might be affected by that in some way, but thinking about it analytically would really kill my "Charles In Charge marathon" buzz I've been cultivating as of late. So instead of actually looking at any raw data, listening to any other opinions, or even clicking on the online news headline which I'm now looking at, I'm going to explain why I believe that the announcement by the Magik Markers of a March U.S. tour not only affected, but directly caused yesterday's substantial losses.

First, I would like to invoke the idea of "chaos theory." Having seen Babel, 21 Grams, and Amores Perros, I don't think it would be immodest to call myself an expert on the subject. It might even be an understatement. In a nutshell, chaos theory is the idea that anything has the potential to influence anything else. For example, after reading Kobak's review of Lambsbread's Stereo Mars, you decide to go and pick up the album from a record store. While there, you meet someone and fall deeply in love. The two of you have a child together, who grows up to unite the globe, at long last, under an everlasting world peace. In a very indirect way, your reading of TMT brought about world peace. Therefore, it wouldn't be far off to say that by not reading the site every single day, you are actually causing global injustice. I might have taken a few liberties with the details, but you get the idea.

By the same token, the announcement of a Magik Markers tour earlier this month must have come as quite a shock to club owners, who have since been scrambling to prepare their venues for the aural onslaught that the Markers are sure to bring with them. Could this, in turn, have led the club owners to take out additional insurance policies, expecting their stages to be rocked to pure rubble? Did this pique their interest in the world of actual investing and cause many of them to rent the Charlie Sheen movie Wall Street to brush up on how the game is played? Did news of all the extra Wall Street rentals get out, making insiders on the real Wall Street overly cautious, anticipating a market takeover, leading to the crash we saw yesterday? Also, the RIAA was probably involved, but I'm not sure exactly how. Regardless, in this case I believe the facts speak for themselves. You could draw your own conclusions, but don't that sound like an awful lot of work?

In other news, word of the Police's decision to reunite was the cause of Fidel Castro's return to good health:

* Kenny and the Flesh, Black Helicopter

Old Time Relijun Taller Than Jesus, Tour

I lived in a small town in Harrisburg, PA nearly all my life. I had friends that moved, as well as older folk who died. But when a new family moved in to the house beside ours, things began to change.

I was about 16 when they arrived, and immediately I was attracted to the wife of the new family. Whenever I could help out around their yard or anything like that, I usually tried to. It was a warm summer night when this happened...

I was out in my front yard in my hammock after relaxing from helping my neighbors pack for a camping getaway when I saw their silver van coming from down the block toward their house. The wife (Faith) got out and said that she had forgotten a bag of equipment and that it was pretty heavy, so I got up to help. When I got to their garage, she wasn't there. "Hello?" I said, and from somewhere in the house I heard her reply "I'm upstairs, and I could use some help." So I found the staircase in their house and proceeded to go up, which was when it happened.

There she was, standing in her bedroom with nothing covering her but a bed cover, and she just came on to me. First it was just kissing, but almost immediately she started undoing my pants. Already I was starting to get pretty hard, and now she was sucking on my thumb, nice and slowly. I slowly moved her head back and forth with my left hand for a while until I was rubbing and fingering her beautiful hair. She moaned and gasped a bit until she was perfectly wet. Now she got on the bed, her face down and ass in the air, and said "The Pipettes have signed to a major!"

Needless to say, I lost my bone and left.