Billy Corgan Steals Pumpkins From Your Doorstep, Says They’re His; Claims You Should Have Thrown Them Out Sometime in November

Billy Corgan reminds me of Jewel. Both of them came out with poetry books, and both of them have U.K.-approved snaggle-teeth. Also, nobody really cares about either of them anymore after a snot-stream of lukewarm musics. Actually, I never even heard Jewel's prime-era stuff, not to mention her most-recent work, so I can't wax about it really, but Corgan? His latest album was not only worse than the Deux Machina and Adore monstrosities, but worse than the McRib. I know, you probably didn't think it was possible, but something actually sucks more than the McRib, TheFutureEmbrace be thy name.

But just to be sure, let's break this shit down:

TheFutureEmbrace vs. The McRib, an analysis

Texture:

The McRib: Rubbery, lukewarm, tough to chew but somewhat tactile

TheFutureEmbrace: Rubbery, lukewarm, impossible to chew and somewhat douche-y

Winner? The McRib by a snatch

Quality:

The McRib: Snouts and entrails, ground-up canary beaks, reconstituted, un-throbbing gristle

TheFutureEmbrace: Audio snouts and entrails, ground-up techno breaks, rehashed, un-godly lyrical themes

Winner? The McRib by a pube hair found under the bun

Resale value:

The McRib: You might be able to trade your used McRib to a homeless person for a urine sample if said homeless person is out of jars

TheFutureEmbrace: You might be able to trade your used FutureEmbrace to a pawn shop owner for a copy of Winger's In the Heart of the Young if said pawn shop owner is out of his goddamn mind

Winner? The McRib by a cheese wedge

Edibility/Listenability:

The McRib: Only edible in a pinch if you've already chewed on your car tires and/or cooked your dog on a spit for lunch

TheFutureEmbrace: Only listenable in a pinch if you've already perused the entire catalogue of Take That and/or Brian Welch's solo material as ‘Head'

Winner? The McRib by a dingleberry

So you see? A record by a respected musician, worth no more than a recycled cafeteria cow patty. BUT THERE'S GOOD NEWS AFOOT! Realizing that people are already sick of his solo work after only one album, Corgan has reunited his fabled Smashing Pumpkins project and announced tourdates! In a statement on his MySpace page, he says: "We truly look forward to playing again for fans young, old, and missed..." What's better, the only for-sure returning member is Jimmy Chamberlain, who found his Jimmy Chamberlain Project project to be too lucrative. "Get these screaming girls off me!" he is known to have said.

Who will the other members of the reunion be? Iha, James and Auf Du Mar, Melissa, right? Well, that's where things get weird. Although both haven't been ruled out of participating in the reunion, we here at TMT have the ever-lovin' dirt on their replacements should things not work out. For one, Buckethead, fresh off his stint with another washed-up genius, Axle [sic] Rose, will be playing rhythm guitar. (And, under direction from Corgan, he'll replace his KFC bucket with a pumpkin! Don't worry, he's been doing neck exercises...) That might not sound that crazy, but on bass? Why, none other than the McRib! That's right, the McRib will lay down funky, grungy basslines like its preparers lay down funky, grungy barbecue sauce. Add a few onions and foreign-country festival dates and you have one hell of a news item!

Don't let these tourdates squirt grease into your eye when you take a bite:

Newsfeed