Billy Corgan Steals Pumpkins From Your Doorstep, Says They’re His; Claims You Should Have Thrown Them Out Sometime in November

Billy Corgan reminds me of Jewel. Both of them came out with poetry books, and both of them have U.K.-approved snaggle-teeth. Also, nobody really cares about either of them anymore after a snot-stream of lukewarm musics. Actually, I never even heard Jewel's prime-era stuff, not to mention her most-recent work, so I can't wax about it really, but Corgan? His latest album was not only worse than the Deux Machina and Adore monstrosities, but worse than the McRib. I know, you probably didn't think it was possible, but something actually sucks more than the McRib, TheFutureEmbrace be thy name.

But just to be sure, let's break this shit down:

TheFutureEmbrace vs. The McRib, an analysis

Texture:

The McRib: Rubbery, lukewarm, tough to chew but somewhat tactile

TheFutureEmbrace: Rubbery, lukewarm, impossible to chew and somewhat douche-y

Winner? The McRib by a snatch

Quality:

The McRib: Snouts and entrails, ground-up canary beaks, reconstituted, un-throbbing gristle

TheFutureEmbrace: Audio snouts and entrails, ground-up techno breaks, rehashed, un-godly lyrical themes

Winner? The McRib by a pube hair found under the bun

Resale value:

The McRib: You might be able to trade your used McRib to a homeless person for a urine sample if said homeless person is out of jars

TheFutureEmbrace: You might be able to trade your used FutureEmbrace to a pawn shop owner for a copy of Winger's In the Heart of the Young if said pawn shop owner is out of his goddamn mind

Winner? The McRib by a cheese wedge

Edibility/Listenability:

The McRib: Only edible in a pinch if you've already chewed on your car tires and/or cooked your dog on a spit for lunch

TheFutureEmbrace: Only listenable in a pinch if you've already perused the entire catalogue of Take That and/or Brian Welch's solo material as ‘Head'

Winner? The McRib by a dingleberry

So you see? A record by a respected musician, worth no more than a recycled cafeteria cow patty. BUT THERE'S GOOD NEWS AFOOT! Realizing that people are already sick of his solo work after only one album, Corgan has reunited his fabled Smashing Pumpkins project and announced tourdates! In a statement on his MySpace page, he says: "We truly look forward to playing again for fans young, old, and missed..." What's better, the only for-sure returning member is Jimmy Chamberlain, who found his Jimmy Chamberlain Project project to be too lucrative. "Get these screaming girls off me!" he is known to have said.

Who will the other members of the reunion be? Iha, James and Auf Du Mar, Melissa, right? Well, that's where things get weird. Although both haven't been ruled out of participating in the reunion, we here at TMT have the ever-lovin' dirt on their replacements should things not work out. For one, Buckethead, fresh off his stint with another washed-up genius, Axle [sic] Rose, will be playing rhythm guitar. (And, under direction from Corgan, he'll replace his KFC bucket with a pumpkin! Don't worry, he's been doing neck exercises...) That might not sound that crazy, but on bass? Why, none other than the McRib! That's right, the McRib will lay down funky, grungy basslines like its preparers lay down funky, grungy barbecue sauce. Add a few onions and foreign-country festival dates and you have one hell of a news item!

Don't let these tourdates squirt grease into your eye when you take a bite:

Clap Your Hands Say Yeah Tours, “Yeah Tours”

Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, a band and internet special deal, will go on tour in April. They've got an album coming out called Some Loud Thunder (TMT Review) that apparently already came out. Who knew?

With the album indiscriminately rocking stereos and music blogs at will, all we can do now is dream and hope the tour will indiscriminately rock as well. Yet, there are some who are out to get our heroes, who will not clap their hands and say "yeah." Those people are represented by Don Tandy, an Andy Rooney-type curmudgeon who likes complaining about things almost as much as he likes not dying.

He's most famous for his nonfiction works, I'm Tired and Yuck Fou: Offensive Tales From The Korean War. Here's an excerpt from his latest article, "What's with all this clapping? Who claps? When I was in Korea, we never clapped. We got the clap, but if someone actually made a noise with their hands, I'll be damned if he wasn't cut down to PFC faster than you could clap. But don't clap!"

A strange man. You can see the band clap their way into your hearts and minds staring in Providence on April 10. Tandy will be there, enlisting some famous authors such as T.S. "Taint Stain" Eliot, H.G. "Huge Girl" Wells, and F. "Scott" Fitzgerald. Find them in the DJ tent!

The Clap tour:

Throbbing Gristle to Release First Album in over 25 Years

A lot has happened over the last 25 years. Alec Baldwin won a Golden Globe for his riveting performances in 30 Rock, the Dixie Chicks won the 2007 Best Album Grammy Award, and (perhaps most newsworthy) Scissor Sisters made an appearance on NBC's Passions. Who better to synthesize these major events into music form than a group whose name is Yorkshire slang for "Shimmy, shimmy cocoa pop! Shimmy, shimmy rock!" (as sung by that one guy who co-starred with Tom Hanks in Big).

According to our headline, Throbbing Gristle are set to release their first album in over 25 years. Titled Part Two -- The Endless Not, the 67 minutes and 25 seconds worth of new material will be released April 3 via Mute. Initial pressings of Part Two will be released as a "Special Edition Totemic Gift," limited to 1000. Handmade in Thailand under Peter Christopherson's supervision, each of the four gifts will include either copper, bone, rubber, or wood built into the jewel case. The music's the same in all four, but if you're a commodity fetishist, you can pre-order the set of all four by specfically requesting it from Mute.

Tracks from the new album have been made available at Throbbing Gristle's MySpace, but who the fuck wants to hear clips when you can READ THE TRACKLISTING. Yes, that's right! The tracklisting has been unveiled!! The tracklisting comes complete with song titles, so you can finally see which songs they've been working on over the last 25 years. Additionally, the tracklisting is numbered and put into the order in which they appear on Part Two, presumably so that potential listeners can try to experience the flow of the album without the music. (Note: tracklisting does not include songs that didn't make the album. These tracks are only songs that have made the final cut for Part Two.)

It is unknown at press time whether or not Mute will be selling the tracklist separately, but you can bet your toosh we'll let you know as soon as we find out.

Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose. Free-folk’s just another word for nothing left to call Charalambides. Sad-Sack’s just another word for TMT’s most unimaginative writer.

Prolific artists don't just get prolific exposure from us for being merely prolific. If that was the case, this site would be called TinyBreedsLikeRabbitMixTapes as a tribute to the overly fertile Ms. B. Spears or TinyNonStopDancePartyMixTapes in honor of "The Gentleman of Music" James Last, who has produced close to 200 big-band styled pop cover albums over his illustrious career. Sheer numbers are always nice but secondary to quality music. Thus, their proclivity to produce aside, there is no way a Charalambides tour is going to pass unnoticed by us at TMT. That would be like spotting notorious fashion bitch Mr. Blackwell at a truck-stop tuck shop in a "Who farted?" t-shirt. Sirs and madams, that just doesn't happen. When the holy tonal rollers Tom and Christina Carter announce some dates, we tend to shout the news out in our typical bombastic style.

We don't usually have to wait too long to do so. Narely a week goes by without us pleasure-seekers receiving a few good kicks to our reward centers with Charalambides news. A week must have passed because a new tour has begun already! Most of the dates in the not-to-distant future (read: starting tomorrow) are with the kindred spirits and BFF Matt Valentine and Erika Elder (MV+EE) and feature a bunch of exotically named bands like Starving Weirdos, Climax Golden Twins, and Oaxacan, depending on the day you go see 'em. Naturally, the Carters will be at SXSW in full force, playing the Ecstatic Peace Showcase as Charalambides, a trio set with Thurston Moore, and after much fervent speculation, backing Jandek (Tom only). The San Antonio show listed will include a gallery showing of art and photographs by both Tom and Christina and Shawn McMillen in addition to the live spectacle.

And if that wasn't enough news to fill your shoes, the Carter-run Wholly Other label will be riding the crest of the vinyl wave and will be releasing actual RECORDS soon, including a collaboration between Tom and the Yellow Swans' Pete Swanson (a one-sided silk-screened album no less!), a vinyl version of Christina's Electrice, and releases by likeminded folk Friday Group and Zaika.

# w/MV+EE with the Bummer Road; $ w/Windy and Carl & Dead Machines; % w/Tetuzi Akiyama; ^ Christina Carter/Tom Carter/Thurston Moore trio w/Tetuzi Akiyama, Peter Walker, Warmer Milks, and Ian Wadley; * Ecstatic Peace Showcase w/MV+EE, Magik Markers, Sunburned Hand of the Man, Wooden Wand, Thurston Moore, Tall Firs, Pagoda, Black Helicopter, Monotract and more TBA; + Tom Carter, Shawn McMillen, and Ian Wadley backing band to Jandek, ! w/Shawn McMillen

The Idea of Releasing A New LP & Touring Suits Electrelane Quite Well

Berlin-via-Brighton first ladies of experimentally loose, mostly instrumental, kaut/rock jams Electrelane are coming back to entertain and enlighten your worldscape. The band have announced they will be releasing their fourth full-length LP, No Shouts, No Calls, on Too Pure May 8. The album is the proper follow up to 2005's Axes (Too Pure) and is the band's first release since the self-explanatory 2006 record, Singles, B-Sides & Live (Too Pure).

The band will be playing some shows to promote the LP with a few current indie faves. The biggest fave, the Arcade Fire, have chosen Electrelane to open a string of shows on their upcoming European tour starting March 17. The band will be playing a few European shows without the AF, including dates as part of the Festival les femmes s'en Melent. Don't believe in the Neon Bible and/or live in Europe? Then let it be known that the E also have a short U.S. jaunt in the works, with dancerockers favs The Blow in tow, beginning in May.

Tourdates: