Bonnaroo to Rock Hippy Ass June 14-17; ‘Bud’ Officially Preferred Over ‘Dude’ and ‘Bro’ By Three-to-One Margin

My friend Isaac and I used to go to the Smokin’ Grooves tour every year. It was fuckin’ rowdy; we saw Cypress, Tribe, Busta, Badu, ’Cyde, and many other hip-hop-ish acts that only need be called by their first or last name. We’d go with Isaac’s girlfriend and some single friend of hers. The ‘single friend’ would always think we were weird because we’d listen to Wyclef’s "Guantanamera" and totally flip out. Then we’d get to the show and settle in and Isaac would be like, "Dude, ‘Single Girl’ totally wants you to go grooooooove with her." But I’d never go groove with her because I was too shy and I thought Maybe Isaac’s lying, maybe she DOESN’T wanna grooooove with me.

Besides, she was dancing along to Eryka Badu and I hate her. Seriously, she sucks iced-out ass. My woman thinks I’m a bad person because of it, but man, I think Badu is just plain Badd. And you are what you like, you know? Like, I was on a date once and this girl kept talking about Dave Matthews. At some point I said "I’d like to force-feed Dave Matthews his own shit," and she presented me with an ultimatum: Either admit Dave Matthews is talented or I [girl] leave. TRUE STORY!! Keep in mind, I didn’t even have to say he carries artistic merit or is a quality artist; all I had to do was admit he’s talented and the bone candy gets thrown my way. Well, I refused and never saw the girl again. Fuck her.

Anyway, Isaac got tired of Smokin’ Grooves. Now he asks me to go to Bonnaroo with him every year. Even when the festival was all dirty and exclusively hippie-laden — much like the Sasquatch Festival, Bonnaroo has cleaned up over the years — he’d show me a flyer and get all tickled pink over the shit. What’s even funnier was the way he’d present it. He’d be like, "Hey bud, fuckin’ Booooonaroo bud, it’s alllllll about Bonnaroo this year bud, bud-bud-bud, bud, bud-bud-bud-bud-bud..." and so on... basically it would all dissolve into an endless chain of ‘bud’s. I was used to hearing ‘dude’ every few seconds, but in Colorado people say ‘bud’ and ‘bro.’

Even funnier, Isaac would never end up going. He’d always come up with an excuse and talk about his friend Bob, or as I like to call him, Buffalo Bob. He’d be like, "Shit, turns out I can’t go this year bud, but next year... OOH bud, it’s gonna be baaaad ass. My bud Bob’s goin’ though. Man he’s fuckin’ lucky, he quit his job and sold a bunch of stuff just to go. He’s homeless and penniless but hey, he’s goin’ to Bonnaroo bud!" And so on. I always thought Bob was burnt-out-hippie-loser scum, but hey, I think a lot of things. For instance, I once thought this waiter at Olive Garden was stalking me. Every time I’d go to eat there he’d peep at me and then duck behind a wall right when I looked over. Isn’t that fucking crazy? And another time, I’m pretty sure this cook at Denny’s undercooked my eggs on purpose. I mean, undercooked eggs don’t just... happen.

Anyhoo, this year Bonnaroo appears to be taking another step toward total Budness. Sure, the traditional Rat Pack of hippie scum will be force-feeding everyone their ‘unique’ brands of jam-cum-funk (String Cheese Incident, Bob Weir, and Ratdog). Sure, some of these bands are just-plain bad (Kings Of Leon, Gov’t Mule, Fountains Of Wayne). Sure, you’ll probably hear a lot of terrible white-guy rapping. Sure, hippies will pester you for a ‘drag’ off your cigarette all-the-live-long-day, but HEY, they’re trying...

So hey, let’s go to Bonnaroo this year, bud! When? June 14-17, bud! Where? Manchester, Tennessee, bud! How much? $184.50 (then when the first allotment run out they go up to $199.50... then when that allotment runs out they go up to $214.50). Why? Well... aww, you almost got me, bud! I can’t tell you WHY... that’s yer own trip brogurt. But I’ll tell you what, bud; you’d better start selling that hemp oil quick or you won’t be able to afford tickets! Of course each ticket gets you in all four days, so at least the head honchos at Bonnaroo are raping your ass with slightly less vigilance than the Coachella people. Slightly.

This Band List is Totally, Like, Buddage:

The Police • Tool • Widespread Panic • The White Stripes • Ben Harper & the Innocent Criminals • Wilco • The Flaming Lips • MANU CHAO Radio Bemba Sound System • The String Cheese Incident • Franz Ferdinand • Bob Weir & Ratdog • Damien Rice • Ween • Gov't Mule • Ziggy Marley • The Decemberists • Kings of Leon • Michael Franti & Spearhead • Wolfmother • Regina Spektor • The Black Keys • Galactic • DJ Shadow • Gillian Welch • Spoon • Keller Williams (WMD'S) • Sasha & John Digweed • STS9 • Old Crow Medicine Show • The Hold Steady • Lily Allen • North Mississippi Allstars • Fountains Of Wayne • Hot Tuna • Feist • Hot Chip • John Butler Trio • Ralph Stanley & the Clinch Mountain Boys • Aesop Rock • The Richard Thompson Band • Dierks Bentley • James Blood Ulmer • Xavier Rudd • Gogol Bordello • Junior Brown • Tortoise • T-Bone Burnett • Mavis Staples • Clutch • Cold War Kids • Dr. Dog • Paolo Nutini • Brazilian Girls • RX Bandits • The Nightwatchman • The Slip • Girl Talk • Railroad Earth • Martha Wainwright • Rodrigo y Gabriela • Annuals • Tea Leaf Green • Sam Roberts Band • Elvis Perkins in Dearland • Charlie Louvin • Sonya Kitchell • Mute Math • Apollo Sunshine • Uncle Earl • The National • The Little Ones • Black Angels • Ryan Shaw • Lewis Black & Friends • Dave Attell • David Cross •

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Illustration: Carolina Suarez

Lightning Bolt: Head Nothing, Heart Everything

The rumors are truly false. First, in an interview with Washington Square News, Brian Chippendale says there is no guarantee for a fifth album this year. Second, it seems as though Lightning Bolt's much-gossiped improv album, Frenzy, has no expected release date, if ever. “When it comes to weird improv stuff, sometimes we’re just at a weird stalemate,” said Brian Chippendale. “But I think our next album’s probably gonna be more song stuff.”

Hey, I'm just the messenger. However, the good news is that your urine is finally back to its normal color and smell, meaning you are free to piss yourself when Lightning Bolt hits your neck of the woods. LB has currently penciled in a tour beginning in late March and running through April, hitting a bunch of hot clubs that are -- yep, you guessed it -- yet to be announced! Check out the dates here, and refresh refresh refresh!

In the meantime, feast your eyes on Chippendale's Ninja comic book, feast your ears on Black Pus 3, and feast your brain on a forthcoming second album from Brian Gibson's Wizardzz group. Wax on, whacks off!

New Study Claims Record Companies Lose Only 0.7% of Sales to P2P Sharing; Record Companies Dispute Location of Decimal Point

Are you ready? No, seriously. Are you sitting down? Have I got a deal, er, SHOCKA for you! Some wise-ass German researchers have made the preposterous suggestion that P2P music downloads don't actually have the gouging effect on record sales that Sony BMG 'n' friends whine about all the time. You might be saying to yourself, "Clearly, this is a clouding of the truth by those damn liberal independent media sources and the arrests of middle school kids and soccer moms should happen like, on the hour." Sir or madam, allow me to convince you otherwise.

The two punks in question go by Felix Oberholzer-Gee and Koleman Strumpf, and the study is entitled "The Effect of File Sharing on Record Sales: An Empirical Analysis" (alternate title: "Dear Huge Record Conglomerates: Please Stop Whining! Love, Fefe & Koko"). After zeroing in on the logs of two OpenNAP P2P servers and comparing the digits with sales figs from Nielsen Soundscan, they found that the 1.75 million songs downloaded packed a "devastating" punch of uh, 0.7% to the 680 albums sold. Ooh, foreal, that's gotta hurt. Except it doesn't. So why are record sales so lame, now that the file-sharing monster's turned out to be a threat equivalent to that of a My Little Pony?

First off, record companies' sales stats are based on the amount of CDs they ship, rather than how many are actually sold. That shipping number's come down in recent years because big music chains don't want tons of inventory stacked up in the back room anymore. No more playing frisbee with all those extra copies of the Glitter soundtrack. Bummer. Also, keep in mind that you can snag a copy of The Notebook on DVD and go home and make out with Rachel McAdams on your TV screen for the same price as Paris Hilton's album, and I'm guessing the first one would be more fun. Not that I would really suggest either of those endeavors. In fact, I would actively shun you.

Of course, there's always my own theory: maybe there's just not a lot of music sitting around in Best Buy that people want to listen to because it's... well, bad? Either way, I extend a statement to the Big 4 in the immortal words of Snoop Dogg as interviewed by Ben Stiller playing Matt Pinfield on SNL: "Mannn, shut up, youse givin' me a headache!"

You can check out the study for yourself here.

Radiohead’s Phil Selway Lies Flat Against the Opening of Your Vagina, Plans to Record Album

First, Jonny Greenwood releases the soundtrack to 2003's Bodysong, then Thom releases The Eraser in 2006, and now Phil Selway, the baldest drummer of all-time, is rumored to be working on an album later this year.

According to At Ease, folk producer/musician John McCusker told The Scotsman that he's going to produce Selway's album later this year. And... um... that's about all I have. Questions anyone?

Audience: Is it a collabo? Is it going to be a folk album? Does that mean Radiohead will be done with a new album before Phil works on this project? How will I know if the female condom is inserted properly in my vagina?

Calm down, people. You'll find the answers to these questions someday in your lifetime. You just gotta believe in yourself. Oh, and the female condom is inserted properly when the inner ring's pushed against your cervix and the outer ring lies flat against the opening of your vagina. The cervix prevents the condom from going any further, so no worries there.

Billy Corgan Steals Pumpkins From Your Doorstep, Says They’re His; Claims You Should Have Thrown Them Out Sometime in November

Billy Corgan reminds me of Jewel. Both of them came out with poetry books, and both of them have U.K.-approved snaggle-teeth. Also, nobody really cares about either of them anymore after a snot-stream of lukewarm musics. Actually, I never even heard Jewel's prime-era stuff, not to mention her most-recent work, so I can't wax about it really, but Corgan? His latest album was not only worse than the Deux Machina and Adore monstrosities, but worse than the McRib. I know, you probably didn't think it was possible, but something actually sucks more than the McRib, TheFutureEmbrace be thy name.

But just to be sure, let's break this shit down:

TheFutureEmbrace vs. The McRib, an analysis

Texture:

The McRib: Rubbery, lukewarm, tough to chew but somewhat tactile

TheFutureEmbrace: Rubbery, lukewarm, impossible to chew and somewhat douche-y

Winner? The McRib by a snatch

Quality:

The McRib: Snouts and entrails, ground-up canary beaks, reconstituted, un-throbbing gristle

TheFutureEmbrace: Audio snouts and entrails, ground-up techno breaks, rehashed, un-godly lyrical themes

Winner? The McRib by a pube hair found under the bun

Resale value:

The McRib: You might be able to trade your used McRib to a homeless person for a urine sample if said homeless person is out of jars

TheFutureEmbrace: You might be able to trade your used FutureEmbrace to a pawn shop owner for a copy of Winger's In the Heart of the Young if said pawn shop owner is out of his goddamn mind

Winner? The McRib by a cheese wedge

Edibility/Listenability:

The McRib: Only edible in a pinch if you've already chewed on your car tires and/or cooked your dog on a spit for lunch

TheFutureEmbrace: Only listenable in a pinch if you've already perused the entire catalogue of Take That and/or Brian Welch's solo material as ‘Head'

Winner? The McRib by a dingleberry

So you see? A record by a respected musician, worth no more than a recycled cafeteria cow patty. BUT THERE'S GOOD NEWS AFOOT! Realizing that people are already sick of his solo work after only one album, Corgan has reunited his fabled Smashing Pumpkins project and announced tourdates! In a statement on his MySpace page, he says: "We truly look forward to playing again for fans young, old, and missed..." What's better, the only for-sure returning member is Jimmy Chamberlain, who found his Jimmy Chamberlain Project project to be too lucrative. "Get these screaming girls off me!" he is known to have said.

Who will the other members of the reunion be? Iha, James and Auf Du Mar, Melissa, right? Well, that's where things get weird. Although both haven't been ruled out of participating in the reunion, we here at TMT have the ever-lovin' dirt on their replacements should things not work out. For one, Buckethead, fresh off his stint with another washed-up genius, Axle [sic] Rose, will be playing rhythm guitar. (And, under direction from Corgan, he'll replace his KFC bucket with a pumpkin! Don't worry, he's been doing neck exercises...) That might not sound that crazy, but on bass? Why, none other than the McRib! That's right, the McRib will lay down funky, grungy basslines like its preparers lay down funky, grungy barbecue sauce. Add a few onions and foreign-country festival dates and you have one hell of a news item!

Don't let these tourdates squirt grease into your eye when you take a bite:

Valentine’s Day Ideas That Cost Less Than the New Al Green Album

What better day than Valentine's Day to hear the news that R&B singer turned gospel singer turned R&B singer Al Green is planning on releasing a new album? Al Green, widely known as a love aficionado in his prime, will be teaming up with producer ?uestlove of The Roots for his still untitled follow-up to 2005's Everything's OK. OK indeed, Al. Especially when you're spending yet another Valentine's Day alone, laying miserably in a pile of dirty clothes on your bedroom floor, staring blankly at the ceiling, next to a half-eaten can of baked beans on top of a pile of half-finished beginners' crossword puzzles, listening to the Beavis and Butthead Do America soundtrack, all while wearing a hoodie indoors. Without any pants on. Drunk.

Hypothetically speaking, of course! Back to Al -- not a whole lot in the way of detail has been released as of yet, but I think it's safe to say that love, the driving force behind this holiday, will be a major focus on the album. Since the album hasn't yet been released, you can't very well spend the night with your sweetie listening to it around the fireplace - but you can do any of these totally fun and low-budget activities:

- Watch the Old Faithful webcam.

- Listen to the Beavis and Butthead Do America soundtrack (see above).

- Politely debate the legitimacy of the 1876 U.S. Presidential Election.

- Drive aimlessly around, yelling the names of '80s hair bands at pedestrians.

- Hold a two-person rock-paper-scissors tournament.

- Go to KFC, where every Wednesday you can get chicken fried steak, two sides, and a biscuit for $2.

- Sit at home, cuddle up, and read every TMT news article and music review published in the past year -- ABSOLUTELY FREE.

I'm a bit partial to the last one, but I suppose the choice is yours.

Look for the new Al Green album in the fall of 2007.

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