Bonnaroo to Rock Hippy Ass June 14-17; ‘Bud’ Officially Preferred Over ‘Dude’ and ‘Bro’ By Three-to-One Margin

My friend Isaac and I used to go to the Smokin’ Grooves tour every year. It was fuckin’ rowdy; we saw Cypress, Tribe, Busta, Badu, ’Cyde, and many other hip-hop-ish acts that only need be called by their first or last name. We’d go with Isaac’s girlfriend and some single friend of hers. The ‘single friend’ would always think we were weird because we’d listen to Wyclef’s "Guantanamera" and totally flip out. Then we’d get to the show and settle in and Isaac would be like, "Dude, ‘Single Girl’ totally wants you to go grooooooove with her." But I’d never go groove with her because I was too shy and I thought Maybe Isaac’s lying, maybe she DOESN’T wanna grooooove with me.

Besides, she was dancing along to Eryka Badu and I hate her. Seriously, she sucks iced-out ass. My woman thinks I’m a bad person because of it, but man, I think Badu is just plain Badd. And you are what you like, you know? Like, I was on a date once and this girl kept talking about Dave Matthews. At some point I said "I’d like to force-feed Dave Matthews his own shit," and she presented me with an ultimatum: Either admit Dave Matthews is talented or I [girl] leave. TRUE STORY!! Keep in mind, I didn’t even have to say he carries artistic merit or is a quality artist; all I had to do was admit he’s talented and the bone candy gets thrown my way. Well, I refused and never saw the girl again. Fuck her.

Anyway, Isaac got tired of Smokin’ Grooves. Now he asks me to go to Bonnaroo with him every year. Even when the festival was all dirty and exclusively hippie-laden — much like the Sasquatch Festival, Bonnaroo has cleaned up over the years — he’d show me a flyer and get all tickled pink over the shit. What’s even funnier was the way he’d present it. He’d be like, "Hey bud, fuckin’ Booooonaroo bud, it’s alllllll about Bonnaroo this year bud, bud-bud-bud, bud, bud-bud-bud-bud-bud..." and so on... basically it would all dissolve into an endless chain of ‘bud’s. I was used to hearing ‘dude’ every few seconds, but in Colorado people say ‘bud’ and ‘bro.’

Even funnier, Isaac would never end up going. He’d always come up with an excuse and talk about his friend Bob, or as I like to call him, Buffalo Bob. He’d be like, "Shit, turns out I can’t go this year bud, but next year... OOH bud, it’s gonna be baaaad ass. My bud Bob’s goin’ though. Man he’s fuckin’ lucky, he quit his job and sold a bunch of stuff just to go. He’s homeless and penniless but hey, he’s goin’ to Bonnaroo bud!" And so on. I always thought Bob was burnt-out-hippie-loser scum, but hey, I think a lot of things. For instance, I once thought this waiter at Olive Garden was stalking me. Every time I’d go to eat there he’d peep at me and then duck behind a wall right when I looked over. Isn’t that fucking crazy? And another time, I’m pretty sure this cook at Denny’s undercooked my eggs on purpose. I mean, undercooked eggs don’t just... happen.

Anyhoo, this year Bonnaroo appears to be taking another step toward total Budness. Sure, the traditional Rat Pack of hippie scum will be force-feeding everyone their ‘unique’ brands of jam-cum-funk (String Cheese Incident, Bob Weir, and Ratdog). Sure, some of these bands are just-plain bad (Kings Of Leon, Gov’t Mule, Fountains Of Wayne). Sure, you’ll probably hear a lot of terrible white-guy rapping. Sure, hippies will pester you for a ‘drag’ off your cigarette all-the-live-long-day, but HEY, they’re trying...

So hey, let’s go to Bonnaroo this year, bud! When? June 14-17, bud! Where? Manchester, Tennessee, bud! How much? $184.50 (then when the first allotment run out they go up to $199.50... then when that allotment runs out they go up to $214.50). Why? Well... aww, you almost got me, bud! I can’t tell you WHY... that’s yer own trip brogurt. But I’ll tell you what, bud; you’d better start selling that hemp oil quick or you won’t be able to afford tickets! Of course each ticket gets you in all four days, so at least the head honchos at Bonnaroo are raping your ass with slightly less vigilance than the Coachella people. Slightly.

This Band List is Totally, Like, Buddage:

The Police • Tool • Widespread Panic • The White Stripes • Ben Harper & the Innocent Criminals • Wilco • The Flaming Lips • MANU CHAO Radio Bemba Sound System • The String Cheese Incident • Franz Ferdinand • Bob Weir & Ratdog • Damien Rice • Ween • Gov't Mule • Ziggy Marley • The Decemberists • Kings of Leon • Michael Franti & Spearhead • Wolfmother • Regina Spektor • The Black Keys • Galactic • DJ Shadow • Gillian Welch • Spoon • Keller Williams (WMD'S) • Sasha & John Digweed • STS9 • Old Crow Medicine Show • The Hold Steady • Lily Allen • North Mississippi Allstars • Fountains Of Wayne • Hot Tuna • Feist • Hot Chip • John Butler Trio • Ralph Stanley & the Clinch Mountain Boys • Aesop Rock • The Richard Thompson Band • Dierks Bentley • James Blood Ulmer • Xavier Rudd • Gogol Bordello • Junior Brown • Tortoise • T-Bone Burnett • Mavis Staples • Clutch • Cold War Kids • Dr. Dog • Paolo Nutini • Brazilian Girls • RX Bandits • The Nightwatchman • The Slip • Girl Talk • Railroad Earth • Martha Wainwright • Rodrigo y Gabriela • Annuals • Tea Leaf Green • Sam Roberts Band • Elvis Perkins in Dearland • Charlie Louvin • Sonya Kitchell • Mute Math • Apollo Sunshine • Uncle Earl • The National • The Little Ones • Black Angels • Ryan Shaw • Lewis Black & Friends • Dave Attell • David Cross •

Search for grocery stores. Find gratitude. Turn a simple search into something more.

Illustration: Carolina Suarez

The Jai-Alai Savant Debut Album Flight of the Bass Delegate Due April 3, or, How To Piss Off Your Editors in One Easy Lesson.

If something isn't simple to do, it isn't worth doing. That's my motto. So, while I could go on about how The Jai-Alai Savant's hugely-anticipated first album Flight of the Bass Delegate will finally be released on Gold Standard Labs April 3 (City Slang in UK/Europe), I'd rather practice my "Madlibs" instead!

Here is a great thing I like to do on a nice winter day. First, I put on a nice warm faux fox-lined sailor suit and a diaper. You want to ensure you stay warm and tubular. Next, I fill a thermos full of hot steamy Lipizzaner stallions and Alphagettis. I get ready to go snow flailing! Some people say only experts should go snow flailing, but I think anyone can do it if you use a little common sense, a monocle on your elbow and the left turn signal from an '86 Fiero SE. I have heard a rumor that Mrs. Dash will be offering special snow flailing classes after school at the School of Hard Knockers #324, but I don't know if that's true.

The best place to go snow flailing is on a hill of cockatiels that is covered with Gold Bond Medicated Body Powder. First, you will want to clear away any lonely, painful people wearing dungaree overalls. Stand at the top of the hill and shout, "You're standing right now with nine delegates from 100 gangs. And there's over a hundred more. That's 20,000 hardcore members. Forty thousand, counting affiliates, and 20,000 more, not organized -- but ready to fight. Sixty thousand soldiers. Now, there ain't but 20,000 police in the whole town -- Can you dig it? Can you dig it? Caaaaaan yoooooou
digggggittttttttt?"
Then step onto a 'paz en el hogar' religious votive candle, point yourself downhill, and off you go. Snow flailing is fun and the most rockingest! And here is one more tip: everyone will be especially impressed if you can balance a half-empty bottle of lemon gin on your head and play the flugelhorn as you sail by and do a Dutch oven! Well, that's how I roll, anyway.

When I got back home, I undressed and put on a the debut album by The Jai-Alai Savant and a Flight of the Bass Delegate: I had this totally 13 lucky tracks and 1 Data Massaganna dream last night! I was sitting on a 2 Arcane Theories and it started to 3 Scarlett Johansson Why Don't You Love Me 4 White on White Crime! I didn't know what to do so I started 5 The Low Frequent See, 6 When I Grow Up. Then suddenly it 7 Transmissions From the Dub Delegate and I turned into a 8 30's In the Thousands! I was so 9 Sugar Free that I 10 Murder Pon the Dancehall Part II to the 11 Transmissions From the Delegate down the street. When I got there, I found a 12 Vengeful Blade of the Desperate which made me want to 13 Akebono. Well, I must have been the debut album by The Jai-Alai Savant for at least Flight of the Bass Delegate minutes when you came up to me, looking rather power trio of Renaissance men Ralph Darden, Dan Nash Snyder, and Michael Bravine, and said, "kick-ass cover art by Damon Locks of The Eternals". And then you started out April 3 on Gold Standard Labs on my face! Just then I woke to find that it wasn't you doing it but my buy it, buy it, buy it instead!

Thee More Shallows Sign To Anticon, Release Album, Tour, Tour, TOUR!!!

Praise for Thee More Shallows, recently signed to Anticon:

"As enchanting and seductive as the quietly beckoning madness of everyday life." - CMJ

"Deeply addictive." 4/5 - Uncut

"Enigmatic and gorgeous." - Filter Magazine

- Tina, MySpace

Thee More Shallows are releasing Book of Bad Breaks on April 24, with a tour to follow. If Tina from MySpace is to believed, it's gonna be pretty good. And, oh, oh, oh, there's a tracklisting, too:

Dr. Dre To Pursue Career In Filmmaking With A Focus On Dark Comedies: Fact

FADE IN

(Abrupt medium close-up of Dr. Dre doing a comedy monologue. He is wearing a crumpled sports jacket and tie-less shirt; the background is stark.)

DR. DRE

There's an old joke. Uh, two elderly bitches are at a Catskills mountain resort, and one of 'em says: "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know, and such... small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life. Full of loneliness and misery and suffering and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly. The... the other important joke for me is on that's, uh, usually attributed to Groucho Marx, but I think it appears originally in Freud's Wit And Its Relation To The Unconscious. And it goes like this -- I'm paraphrasing: Uh... "I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member." That's the key joke of my adult life in terms of my relationships with bitches. You know, lately the strangest things have been going through my mind, 'cause I turned forty, and I guess I'm going through a life crisis or something, I don't know. I, uh... and I'm not worried about aging. I'm not one of those motherfuckas, you know. Although I give peeps second chances these days, that's about the worst you can say about me. I, uh, I think I'm gonna get better as I get older, you know? I think I'm gonna be the merciful, virile type, you know, as opposed to say the uh, merciful fuckin' pussy type, for instance, you know? Unless I'm neither of those two. Unless I'm one of those niggas with saliva dribbling out his mouth who wanders into a cafeteria with a shopping bag screaming "DEEEEEEEZ NUUUTTTS."

(Sighing)

Annie and I broke up and I... I still can't get my mind around that. You know, I... I keep sifting the pieces of the relationship through my mind and... and examining my life and tryin' to figure out where did the screw-up come, you know, and a year ago we were... in love. You know, and and and... and it's funny, I'm not... I'm not a morose nigga. I'm not a depressive little bitch. I, uh...

(Laughing)

Annie, you ain't shit.

Lightning Bolt: Head Nothing, Heart Everything

The rumors are truly false. First, in an interview with Washington Square News, Brian Chippendale says there is no guarantee for a fifth album this year. Second, it seems as though Lightning Bolt's much-gossiped improv album, Frenzy, has no expected release date, if ever. “When it comes to weird improv stuff, sometimes we’re just at a weird stalemate,” said Brian Chippendale. “But I think our next album’s probably gonna be more song stuff.”

Hey, I'm just the messenger. However, the good news is that your urine is finally back to its normal color and smell, meaning you are free to piss yourself when Lightning Bolt hits your neck of the woods. LB has currently penciled in a tour beginning in late March and running through April, hitting a bunch of hot clubs that are -- yep, you guessed it -- yet to be announced! Check out the dates here, and refresh refresh refresh!

In the meantime, feast your eyes on Chippendale's Ninja comic book, feast your ears on Black Pus 3, and feast your brain on a forthcoming second album from Brian Gibson's Wizardzz group. Wax on, whacks off!

New Study Claims Record Companies Lose Only 0.7% of Sales to P2P Sharing; Record Companies Dispute Location of Decimal Point

Are you ready? No, seriously. Are you sitting down? Have I got a deal, er, SHOCKA for you! Some wise-ass German researchers have made the preposterous suggestion that P2P music downloads don't actually have the gouging effect on record sales that Sony BMG 'n' friends whine about all the time. You might be saying to yourself, "Clearly, this is a clouding of the truth by those damn liberal independent media sources and the arrests of middle school kids and soccer moms should happen like, on the hour." Sir or madam, allow me to convince you otherwise.

The two punks in question go by Felix Oberholzer-Gee and Koleman Strumpf, and the study is entitled "The Effect of File Sharing on Record Sales: An Empirical Analysis" (alternate title: "Dear Huge Record Conglomerates: Please Stop Whining! Love, Fefe & Koko"). After zeroing in on the logs of two OpenNAP P2P servers and comparing the digits with sales figs from Nielsen Soundscan, they found that the 1.75 million songs downloaded packed a "devastating" punch of uh, 0.7% to the 680 albums sold. Ooh, foreal, that's gotta hurt. Except it doesn't. So why are record sales so lame, now that the file-sharing monster's turned out to be a threat equivalent to that of a My Little Pony?

First off, record companies' sales stats are based on the amount of CDs they ship, rather than how many are actually sold. That shipping number's come down in recent years because big music chains don't want tons of inventory stacked up in the back room anymore. No more playing frisbee with all those extra copies of the Glitter soundtrack. Bummer. Also, keep in mind that you can snag a copy of The Notebook on DVD and go home and make out with Rachel McAdams on your TV screen for the same price as Paris Hilton's album, and I'm guessing the first one would be more fun. Not that I would really suggest either of those endeavors. In fact, I would actively shun you.

Of course, there's always my own theory: maybe there's just not a lot of music sitting around in Best Buy that people want to listen to because it's... well, bad? Either way, I extend a statement to the Big 4 in the immortal words of Snoop Dogg as interviewed by Ben Stiller playing Matt Pinfield on SNL: "Mannn, shut up, youse givin' me a headache!"

You can check out the study for yourself here.

  

News

  • Recent
  • Popular