Britney Spears Loses Children; I Think It’s Only Fair, Because She Made Me Lose My Lunch

In order for Britney Spears to retain custody of her children, the court ordered her to finish the following maze within an hour. The caption read: "Britney is confused and has lost all orientation. Help her find one of her kids by finishing the maze."

An hour passed and Britney was forced to turnover custody of her children to K-Fed (she thought the maze was a map). After finding out she had to turnover her children to K-Fed, rumor has it Britney got confused and used FedEx to literally send the kids to him.

[Oooh cheap shot! Hey, it's Shrimp Scampi. Anything goes. Plus, we really just wanted to have a maze on the site. Stay tuned tomorrow for some more low-brow reporting!]

The Flaming Lips Continue Buffet of Lies Regarding Christmas on Mars, So Why Are We Getting Seconds?

I wonder how many times we've reported a release date for Christmas on Mars, The Flaming Lips' highly anticipated full-length movie. It's been delayed so many times it should've had at least a couple sequels already. In fact, it's been six years. Can you believe that!?!?

I sure can. You know what they're doing right? They're dangling a piece of meat/carrot in front of your ugly face, stringing you along as they laugh themselves silly to the fucking bank. FUCK THAT NOISE. From here on out, I'm boycotting The Flaming Lips. I don't care how Wayne Coyne told Billboard that the movie has better special effects or how it's being transferred into a High Definition format or how they expect to premiere the film at 2008's South By Southwest. It's all lies, lies, lies!!

These psycho rockers need to be taught a lesson. You can't just fucking, fucking, you know, fucking make some sweet-ass movie and not release it, you know? You just can't. So if we're boycotting, this means you can't do the following: (1) listen or think about The Flaming Lips starting immediately after reading this news story; (2) watch the new Farrelly Brothers movie The Heartbreak Kid because they contributed music to it; (3) watch the as-yet unannounced Disney movie for which they wrote the theme song.

Hopefully they can get their shit together by the time they release the follow-up to At War with the Mystics, but if they can't, no skin off my back. Check what idiot Wayne said recently: "I have ideas I think could spur a great new Flaming Lips concept and a new sound and things like that. But I feel like we have to finish Christmas on Mars before we jump into anything else. Hopefully we'll be able to do that next year, though."

Whatever Wayne. STOP LYING TO YOUR FANS. JUST STOP IT.

Ms. Jones had been awake for an hour or two finishing up some leftover beluga and Veuve Clicquot left on the nightstand, but was just now getting out of her four-poster. It was just too hard some afternoons to get off that mattress (word was that the mattress was stuffed with dod feathers and locks of child prodigies’ hair). She squatted over her Hermès carryall because the 12-foot walk to the bathroom was “just too far.” She rang her Fabergé bell to summon “the help.” A young boy was there in a flash to begin the arduous task of leading his patron everywhere with a golden hose of spring water (Ms. Jones likes a constant feeling of walking on water). She boarded her custom-made Craft-matic adjustable stair chair and descended to ground level where Mimzy, her blue ribbon-winning French poodle; Caesar, her champion stud French bulldog; and Pierre-François, her champion stud French chef (and, like the time it was violated in the pantry with half a leek dipped in crème caramel at madam’s Emmy Awards after-party, occasional drunken lay) greeted her with open paws and arms. The classy star finally opened her insured-for-$3-million-synthetic-mouth to speak: “Pee-air Fraaaaan-swaaaa? Can you carry down the elliptical bike for me? I feel like getting my sweat on down here today. And don’t let ‘Jorge’ or whatever his name is (it was Derek) take those kitchen scraps home to his fam-a-lia or his “homies” today... Mimzy and Caesar get peckish around midnight. Speaking of ‘Pablo’ or whatever his name is (it was still Derek), can you get him to clean up my Hermès bag upstairs... I think one of ‘my children’ did a little doodie in it, hee, hee...”

Ms. Jones? Nah, this cannot be the same Sharon Jones -- soul sister number one, 110 pounds of soul excitement, the same sister who’s so bad, she’s badder than bad -- can it? Would Sharon Jones of Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings ever stoop to such celebutante nonsense? No, that kind of diva behavior is left for wooden actors and dented humans like Scarlet Johansson and George Clooney. Star Jones maybe, Sharon Jones never! Oh well, if this entirely fictional spectacle above was true, it would be warranted. Yes, the fame train has arrived at Daptone headquarters and with good reason: the hardest working woman and band in showbizniz are set to have a banner end to 2007, and we can’t think of anyone more deserving. Relentlessly touring, Jones and the Dap-Kings will do what they do best: hit the road in support of their latest disc 100 Days, 100 Nights. The good times begin on October 6 with a record-release party at the legendary Apollo Theater, then the band will whisk across the Atlantic for some European dates before coming back for a month of shows in North America

10.06.07 - New York, NY - Apollo Theater
10.16.07 - Bordeaux, France - Theatre du Vigean
10.17.07 - Barcelona, spain - Sala Apolo
10.18.07 - Lyon, France - Ninkasi Kao
10.19.07 - Paris, France - L'Elysée Montmartre
10.20.07 - Nancy, France - Nancy Jazz Pulsations
10.23.07 - Koln, Germany - Alter Wartesaal
10.24.07 - Brussels, Belgium - Ancienne Belgique
10.25.07 - Amsterdam, Netherlands - Paradiso Upper Hall
10.26.07 - Hamburg, Germany - Mandarin Kasino
10.27.07 - Berlin, Germany - Bohannon Soul Club
10.30.07 - Weisbaden, Germany - Schlachtof
10.31.07 - Vienna, Austria - Supersonic Festival
11.02.07 - Zurich, Switzerland - Jazznojazz Festival 2007
11.03.07 - Nice, France - Theatro Lino Ventura
11.09.07 - Cambridge, MA - Middle East Downstairs
11.11.07 - Montréal, Quebec - La Tulipe
11.13.07 - Toronto, Ontario - Lee’s Palace
11.14.07 - Detroit, MI - Magic Stick
11.15.07 - Chicago, IL - Park West
11.16.07 - Minneapolis, MN - First Avenue
11.17.07 - Milwaukee, WI - Turner Hall
11.18.07 - Indianapolis, IN - The Vogue
11.20.07 - Cleveland, OH - Beachland Ballroom
12.01.07 - San Diego, CA - Belly Up Tavern
12.04.07 - Los Angeles, CA - El Rey Theater
12.05.07 - San Francisco, CA - Bimbo’s 365 Club
12.07.07 - Portland, OR - Doug Fir Lounge
12.08.07 - Seattle, WA - Neumo’s
12.09.07 - Vancouver, British Columbia - Commodore Ballroom
12.10.07 - Bellingham, WA - The Nightlight
01.04-09.08 - Jamcruise! (Ft. Lauderdale, FL - Roatan, Honduras - Costa Maya, Mexico)

If it weren’t enough to witness the band live, there’s the upcoming Christmas Day present of seeing Jones on the silver screen and, of course, a new album! Jones will croon the Lucille Bogan track “That’s What My Baby Likes” as juke joint singer “Lila” in the Denzel Washington-helmed The Great Debaters due December 25, and the next Dap-Kings full-length wonder will be available October 2 through Daptone Records. 4 out of 5 divas agree... “It’s the shizz-nit! (Is that how you say it, Pierre-François?) Let them eat soul!”

100 Days, 100 Nights, 10 Songs:

1. 100 Days, 100 Nights
2. Nobody's Baby
3. Tell Me
4. Be Easy
5. When the Other Foot Drops, Uncle
6. Let Them Knock
7. Something's Changed
8. Humble Me
9. Keep On Looking
10. Answer Me

Spice Girls Get Bono to Write a Track for Them, Said It Was Weird Talking to Bono with His Sunglasses On

Bono rules. Dude's got philanthropy coming out his ears! With all the shit on his plate -- third World debt, Aids, U2, Ray-Ban sunglasses, getting censored for speaking out against torture -- you'd think Bono wouldn't even have time to write music. BUT HE DOES APPARENTLY!

According to the Mirror, Bono has written a track for the upcoming Spice Girls greatest hits compilation. (The track title hasn't yet been revealed, but I wouldn't doubt if Bono just gave them some old unreleased U2 B-side. I mean, who'd even try to argue with Bono?? Like I said, Bono rules.) Even more exciting, Spice Girls may perform the song live on their upcoming "reunion tour"!

Although Baby, Ginger, Posh, Scary and Sporty are getting £10million apiece for the 15-date tour and tickets for the first show sold out in 38 sexy seconds, an exact date has not been issued for the greatest hits comp because label big wigs are reportedly scared it might go "ker-plunk." I love it!

The Jesus and Mary Chain Tour; The Buddha and Siddhartha Handcuffs Still Broken Up (For Now!)

Let's face it; everyone needs to have a little Jesus and Mary Chain in their lives. It's a shame that so many people jumped on the bandwagon so late (there was some great material in the mid-'90s that definitely got overlooked). Isn't it amazing what a celebrity endorsement can do for a band? (Scarlett Johansson for those keeping score.)

For anyone who had the privilege of catching their Coachella performance this year, you'll know that the boys in JAMC are well-rehearsed and ready to show the youngsters in your city how to rock. Of course, not before they give their newest song "All Things Must Pass" to the upcoming Heroes soundtrack. Perhaps some might consider this to be a strange choice for a new track, but television has been a plush playground for indie acts ever since The O.C. made Death Cab For Cutie and Pinback household names.

Wait a second, what the fuck is a household name, anyway?

I digress; Jesus And Mary Chain are touring, and here are the tourdates. Evan Dando will be handling the opening slots (Yeah, the guy from Lemonheads. Yeah, they just reunited for Coachella, too. What's your point?), along with Black Rebel Motorcycle Club on the lone L.A. date. UK act Soulsavers were due to open previously, but canceled all supporting dates.

Close those fake naked Scarlett Johansson JPG files and come to these shows:

% Evan Dando

$ Evan Dando and Black Rebel Motorcycle Club

Radiohead to Release “Standard” Version of In Rainbows in 2008

The internet blew-the-fuck-up last night when The Radio Headz announced their new album, In Rainbows, was being released not only as a special box set in December, but also digitally (DRM-free) in just 10 days. The "discbox" ain't too cheap (though, given the context and what you get, $81.90 or whatever ain't bad), but the price of the digital download? UP TO THE CONSUMER. Equally shocking was the announcement that the album was being self-released. It hasn't even been a full day yet, and the resulting debates over the future of the music industry and Radiohead's "revolutionizing" commercial approach are lengthy enough to fill a book (probably a crap book, but a book nonetheless).

But Radiohead may not have fully exited the incestuous, pornographic circus that is the music industry after all. According to a spokesperson, "Radiohead are currently planning a traditional CD release of In Rainbows for early 2008." No label (if any) or specifics have been announced -- Billboard reports that EMI are believed to be still "in the running" -- but if a "traditional release" of In Rainbows means using a "traditional" distribution method and/or using a label to release it, then perhaps Radiohead are not necessarily trying to fuck with the music industry so much as provide options for their fans, who by now are so richly varied that it takes multiple formats and marketing approaches to cater to them all.

So: while the distribution plans are still "revolutionary" (not to mention the pricing), the political implications of yesterday's announcement is still up for debate.

But what about their chart eligibility? Oh NME, you're so cute.