Britney Spears Loses Children; I Think It’s Only Fair, Because She Made Me Lose My Lunch

In order for Britney Spears to retain custody of her children, the court ordered her to finish the following maze within an hour. The caption read: "Britney is confused and has lost all orientation. Help her find one of her kids by finishing the maze."

An hour passed and Britney was forced to turnover custody of her children to K-Fed (she thought the maze was a map). After finding out she had to turnover her children to K-Fed, rumor has it Britney got confused and used FedEx to literally send the kids to him.

[Oooh cheap shot! Hey, it's Shrimp Scampi. Anything goes. Plus, we really just wanted to have a maze on the site. Stay tuned tomorrow for some more low-brow reporting!]

The Jesus and Mary Chain Tour; The Buddha and Siddhartha Handcuffs Still Broken Up (For Now!)

Let's face it; everyone needs to have a little Jesus and Mary Chain in their lives. It's a shame that so many people jumped on the bandwagon so late (there was some great material in the mid-'90s that definitely got overlooked). Isn't it amazing what a celebrity endorsement can do for a band? (Scarlett Johansson for those keeping score.)

For anyone who had the privilege of catching their Coachella performance this year, you'll know that the boys in JAMC are well-rehearsed and ready to show the youngsters in your city how to rock. Of course, not before they give their newest song "All Things Must Pass" to the upcoming Heroes soundtrack. Perhaps some might consider this to be a strange choice for a new track, but television has been a plush playground for indie acts ever since The O.C. made Death Cab For Cutie and Pinback household names.

Wait a second, what the fuck is a household name, anyway?

I digress; Jesus And Mary Chain are touring, and here are the tourdates. Evan Dando will be handling the opening slots (Yeah, the guy from Lemonheads. Yeah, they just reunited for Coachella, too. What's your point?), along with Black Rebel Motorcycle Club on the lone L.A. date. UK act Soulsavers were due to open previously, but canceled all supporting dates.

Close those fake naked Scarlett Johansson JPG files and come to these shows:

% Evan Dando

$ Evan Dando and Black Rebel Motorcycle Club

Radiohead to Release “Standard” Version of In Rainbows in 2008

The internet blew-the-fuck-up last night when The Radio Headz announced their new album, In Rainbows, was being released not only as a special box set in December, but also digitally (DRM-free) in just 10 days. The "discbox" ain't too cheap (though, given the context and what you get, $81.90 or whatever ain't bad), but the price of the digital download? UP TO THE CONSUMER. Equally shocking was the announcement that the album was being self-released. It hasn't even been a full day yet, and the resulting debates over the future of the music industry and Radiohead's "revolutionizing" commercial approach are lengthy enough to fill a book (probably a crap book, but a book nonetheless).

But Radiohead may not have fully exited the incestuous, pornographic circus that is the music industry after all. According to a spokesperson, "Radiohead are currently planning a traditional CD release of In Rainbows for early 2008." No label (if any) or specifics have been announced -- Billboard reports that EMI are believed to be still "in the running" -- but if a "traditional release" of In Rainbows means using a "traditional" distribution method and/or using a label to release it, then perhaps Radiohead are not necessarily trying to fuck with the music industry so much as provide options for their fans, who by now are so richly varied that it takes multiple formats and marketing approaches to cater to them all.

So: while the distribution plans are still "revolutionary" (not to mention the pricing), the political implications of yesterday's announcement is still up for debate.

But what about their chart eligibility? Oh NME, you're so cute.

Have you been feeling a little bit down lately?

Maybe it's the fact that the days are getting shorter and shorter, and your body is getting less and less of that precious vitamin D that it needs to keep your mind off of razoring yourself to death in your parents' bathroom. Maybe it's that your classes aren't as "blow off, dude" as your stoner roommate assured you they'd be last spring from behind his controller in between rounds of Super Smash Brothers. Or maybe it's just that you recently found out the hard way that the girl who you like that works over at the bank definitely doesn't respond well to being called "m'lady." Or maybe because that cute boy you had your eye on in HR doesn't like being grabbed there without permission.

Whatever the case, one thing's for sure: your life BLOWS right now.

But do you know who's life doesn't blow right now? I'll tell you: Tim DeLaughter's, as well as those of the entire robed, lobotomized, krazy-with-a-"k" crooning crew from Polyphonic Spree, that's who!

Don't believe me?

Well, fine then, Mr. Brightside. Let's just compare a few notes then, shall we?

- Tim DeLaughter and the Spree are beloved here at TMT for their sometimes-comedic, off-kilter, divinely inspired power pop gems.

- YOU are not.

- Tim and Co. have recently released their third LP, The Fragile Army, on TVT Records, to relatively wide critical acclaim. Our friends at Pitchfork Media called the new disc "an all-out orchestral and choral assault for optimism in a turbulent era," while Billboard declared, "This is one military exercise we can get behind without reservation."

- YOU recently released your own shaky-voiced podcast about your die-hard baseball team's pros and cons as they enter the MLB playoffs in a few weeks, and no one listened to it except for your step-dad, who doesn't work because he's on disability.

- The boys and girls of Polyphonic Spree have got a friend in Jesus.

- YOU've got a friend in Jesüs, your roommate's shady dealer.

- The Spree couldn't be surrounded by happier vibes at the moment, as they will be spending the coming months in the fun-loving, easy-going company of fellow sunshine-loving pop-tomists Rooney, as well as '60s pop connoisseurs The Redwalls, as the three bands combine their jolly forces on a full-fledged U.S. tour beginning mid-October of this year. Good times will abound as the bands sputter on down the road, traveling from town to town in state-of-the-art touring vehicles powered by candy, dimples, laughter, and self-esteem.

- YOU... well, you just have mid-terms in October...

Just look at what you'll never be a part of:

** Polyphonic Spree only

See what I mean? Don’t worry, I’ll hide the guns...

Broken Scrapbooking Scene Release a Book in an Attempt to Preserve Legacy

Not content with maintaining their status as top “Canadian indie rock supergroup,” word on the street has it that Broken Social Scene will take on the role of epherema blenders when they release a book in the fall of 2008. The hyperactive Arts & Crafts collective will show off their artier and craftier side with This Book Is Broken via Toronto’s House of Anansi Press. BSS player Justin Peroff will be assembling photos, posters and flyers, bits of string, clippings, broken social shoelaces, paper airplanes, air sickness bags, letters, numbers, stickers, tickets, and cigarette butts for the book. It is rumored that Peroff is considering eyelets, stamps, chipboard, and bows as embellishments for the sure-to-be-attractive memory tomb.

Slow down folks... U2 wasn’t built in a day.

Radiohead to Self-Release New LP! Remember When We Wrote That as a Fake Headline Two Years Ago??

Word directly from the horse's mouth is that Radiohead will be releasing a new album in the near future. If you haven't already seen the release date, you must be thinking December or early January. You're probably thinking about which store you're going to pick it up from, or which torrent site will have the first advance copy. Neither matters. You won't find the new album in stores, and I highly doubt you'll see an advanced copy. Why? The album comes out October 10.

That's 10 days from now. Normally that kind of secret would be impossible to keep because of the astronomical amount of fake time between recording and release, but there's no label around to slow the process down artificially. Radiohead mark the first for a band of this magnitude to forgo the label and distribution process entirely to record, produce, and deliver the music on their terms. Well, that's not true. Radiohead are delivering the album on your terms. You decide how much to pay. I'm not shitting you, the digital copy of the album can be downloaded for any price; they said so themselves. What kind of fan service is that?

"I despise digital downloads, and prefer to enjoy my music through physical means" - Old Person

For those who aren't hip on this whole "MP3" business, Radiohead are making a delicious package of goods available for purchase. The "discbox" contains the new album on CD and on double 12" heavyweight vinyl, an enhanced CD with more songs and digital photography/artwork, and the lyrics booklet all enclosed in a hardback book. Unfortunately, this set doesn't feature a variable price and goes for a fairly steep $81. Keep in mind the band is not making use of a well-established distribution chain to manufacture everything in the set, because they're no longer benefiting from a major label's discount. That's a good thing, and the extra coinage is worth it.

I wonder what Lars Ulrich thinks of all this.

News

  • Recent
  • Popular


TMT IS SEEKING NEWS WRITERS

Click here to apply