October 31 is Halloween, a time when corpses crawl out from under their graves to play some killer math rock in Nashville, TN. Killer math rock, indeed! My friend once died on a Ferris wheel while listening to Slint on her iPod during a severe thunderstorm. So, since '90s math rock gurus Don Caballero will be beginning their tour on Halloween, I have came up with costumes for the whole band.
- Damon Che - The obvious choice here would be for Che to dress up as an octopus since he earned the nickname "octopus" for his drumming and having intercourse like an sexy cephalopod. This is a little too cutesy for me. I suggest that Che sticks with the octopus but also wears a mask of Ian Williams to express the real horror that is a broken friendship. Hell, Che may even go as far as to wear a bloody Battles t-shirt with a fake knife sticking out of the side.
- Jeff Ellsworth - If I know anything about this world, it's that replacement guitarists are infatuated with cheeseburgers. So, Ellsworth would probably be head-over-heels for a cheeseburger costume. But I must place strong caution on this one: When I was a kid, I dressed as a cheeseburger for Halloween, thinking it would be funny to tell people I was Mark McGwire (The "Big Mac" -- get it? Ah, whatever. It made sense back then). Anyway, while trick-or-treating a mentally handicap boy who resembled the spawn of "McGruff the Crime Dog" and Don Rickles came outside of his house and bit me near my groin. Ellsworth, please do not let this happen to you!
- Gene Doyle - People named Gene only care about two things: getting paid and getting laid. I automatically assume Doyle has costumed as a stereotypical pimp for many years, so this year, let's mix it up. I have two words for Doyle: Croatian. Prostitute.
- Jason Jouver - Why don't we just use Jouver to pay a nice tribute to math rock vets Bitch Magnet? When I think of Bitch Magnet, the first thing that comes to mind is one of those horseshoe-shaped magnets. So, have some groupie sew you up a fancy "magnet-looking" costume, and then simply walk around berating people. Say things like, "What the fuck are you looking at? I'm a magnet, so what?" And the family favorite, "Have you been drinking with your friends all night, you sack of shit? You are pissing off my atomic structure. Maybe I'll just go spend the night and get freaky with your buddy cobalt." Now, that my friends is one Bitch Magnet.
Let us not forget the fans! So, for the two thirty-somethings attending the show (just kidding -- we all still love Don Cab, right?), I suggest dressing up as Frank Zappa. One guy can be the head and top part, and the other guy can be Zappa's ass (no, not Ahmet).
I hope everyone out there has a fun time seeing The Damon Che Experience on their fall tour, but let me remind you that math rock will most likely devour your worthless soul, leaving your guts to be spewed in a bucket full of Shellac merchandise. Merry Christmas, my fellow TMT readers, and a Happy Kwanza to you Petya Romanov!