Clap Your Hands Say Yeah Release Some Loud Thunder, Strange Weather Patterns Aroused

"That's some loud thunder," said Barb. She was on the front porch, on her wooden rocker -- rocking, rocking hard and fast. The cool evening air swept across the sweet, dewy, rolling hills of her bosom. She breathed in and out, the hills bouncing above and below sea level, defying all laws of nature and global warming. The intense heat wafted from Barb's breasts. She, like the men from her last trip to the general store, watched as the steam rose.

Barb had always stolen looks. She was like a supermodel in those fancy fashion magazines you see in the big city. She was a scrumptous piece of pie, a piece of pie with undulating fields of boobs. Barb surely was a sight to see. Men would travel from miles around to get a glimpse of one of the great wonders of the natural world. You see, Barb's breasts drove men wild, but she drove other things to go wild, too.

Her breasts were so amazing, so hot that they created their own weather patterns. She was a walking warm front, clashing with the jet stream and the hot, lusting hearts of men. Barb tried her best to keep her personal El Nino tucked away under towels and tin foil, but on a night as magical as this, so cool and refreshing, the breeze rips through the tin foil and swirls around them like a man's hand might.

But, to the dismay of every man in the county, the hand of the wind is greater than any mere mortal. Suddenly, thunder rolls and crashes, scaring the dog by Barb's side. "Some loud thunder!" she reiterates in a louder, if not breathier, voice. The clapping of the thunder grows more intense; flashes of light zap her elbows and eye sockets. Barb starts to rock faster in her chair... faster.... harder. And then there it is! Music. Diluted by the thunder and rain, the music fights its way to the forefront. What are those much-hyped tunes? Is it another effect of Barb's magical boobs of weather fury?

No. Clap Your Hands Say Yeah are releasing their second album, Some Loud Thunder on January 30. Here's the tracklist from their website:

1. Some Loud Thunder
2. Emily Jean Stock
3. Mama, Wonʼt You Keep Them Castles in the Air and Burning?
4. Love Song No. 7
5. Satan Said Dance
6. Upon Encountering the Crippled Elephant
7. Goodbye to Mother and the Cove
8. Arm and Hammer
9. Yankee Go Home
10. Underwater (You and Me)
11. Five Easy Pieces

Dude, What’s That Sound You’re Making in the Bathroom… Dude? Oh, !!! Announced a Release Date for Their Next LP! Gross!!

How do you follow up a 2004 release titled Louden Up Now? With a March 4, 2007 release called Myth Takes. Good move !!!. I see that you Brooklyn dance-punkers received my letter that I sent you:

Dear !!!,

I decided to send this message to you written in blood. I hope that does not offend you. I appreciate your silly lyrics and intellectual declaration of “Footloose.” I was a little thrown off when you went on tour in the UK supporting Red Hot Chili Peppers. But I have forgiven you. I decided to be cleverly frivolous like my “idols” and write this letter in binary code. However, I didn’t write this letter in binary code until right NOW!
01101101 01111001 01110100 01101000 00100000 01110100 01100001 01101011 01100101 01110011

With love-funk,

Emceegreg

To all of you feeble-minded TMT readers, what I said to them in binary code was “Myth Takes.” A month later, the band decides the title for their anticipated release. Coincidence? Yes! Weird? No, not really. Stupid? Mos def!

Here is the tracklist for Myth Takes that I so ironically ESPd to their asses:

1. Myth Takes
2. All My Heroes Are Weirdos
3. Must Be The Moon
4. A New Name
5. Heart Of Hearts
6. Sweet Life
7. Yadnus
8. Bend Over Beethoven
9. Break In Case Of Anything
10. Infinifold

And here is a binary message for all you TMT readers out there: 01110000 01100101 01101110 01101001 01110011. The first one to decipher the message wins a date with Tad Hamilton! No, just kidding. You win nothing.

Warner Music CEO Rats Out His Own Kids; RIAA Comes Down On Them With An Iron Slap On The Wrist

First, a discovery. Scientists made an exciting announcement on Wednesday, confirming what some have believed for almost a decade. It turns out that downloading music IS stealing! You know those commandments that some politicians want displayed in courtrooms? Yeah, stealing is in there somewhere. Honestly, you should be grateful that we don't live in the time of eye-for-an-eye or the penalty for music piracy would be the severing of your virtual hand.

Speaking of the virtual world, Warner Music Chief Executive Edgar Bronfman granted an interview to Second Life, a virtual community for child predators last week. The conversation turned to the subject of music piracy and the result was positively SHOCKING...

So, you have seven children, have you ever caught any of them using Gnutella or Limewire or the P2P network?

Bronfman: I have. I explained to them what I believe is right, that the principle involved is that stealing music is stealing music. Frankly, right is right and wrong is wrong, particularly when a parent is talking to a child, a bright line around moral responsibility is very important. I can assure you they no longer do that.

What were the consequences?

Bronfman: I think I'll keep that within the family. (Laughter)

We know what you're thinking. Where's the blood?! I want consequences!! Hey RIAA, seven subpeonas, coming right up! Fact is, dude seems like a reasonable father (businessman, not so much). Within the context of a home, ganking music from a P2P network is like taking cookies from the cookie jar before dinner. Most times you don't get caught, but if you do, the strongest reaction it would elicit is something on the level of a less than convincing shrug.

We can only imagine the conversation went something like this:

Dad: Son?

Son: Oh... ummm... I was just finishing up an, uh... Excel document so I cank eep track of all my ponies.

Dad: Oh no! Oh God, no! Did I just see SoulSeek up on your screen?

Son: (Looks down) I'm sorry dad. I mean, you give me all these free CDs
from Warner, but frankly, your music sucks.

Dad: I'm so disapointed in you, son. You are taking an artist's intellectual property, you know that, right?

Son: I know, I know. I'm really sorry... Uh... dad, how much do artists
make off of cd sales?

Dad: Uh, way less than 10 percent. muHaHahaha!!!

Son: More ponies for us, eh?

Dad: Yeah, more ponies.

Makes you wonder, who's the real pirate? Here's one clue: it's not Bronfman's kids.

Parents, if there's any kids in the room, either lock them away in their cages or sit them three inches from your monitor with a 40 oz. sippy cup of Jack, because this story is about Mötley Crüe -- and half measures are not allowed, regardless of age! Whatever it is about the band, people can’t get enough of the tales associated with it, no matter how insane, degrading, or unbelievable the story. F'rinstance...

An acquaintance of my older sister, who after sending the band a bunch of gushing fan letters, was “rewarded” with a jar of cum sent to him from the Crüe. You read that right... A JAR OF CUM from the Crüe!!! True story... I can't help but think that somewhere, in some shitty town, this douche probably still brings out the jar from cold storage, dons the leathers, makes a BC Rich Warlock out of his cardboard "shelving system" and dental floss, and rocks out to "Ten Seconds to Love" before crying himself to sleep at night thinking of the old days while listening to "Starry Eyes" with the jar resting lovingly next to him on a pillow of rolled-up sweatpants. Sorry, when the mind starts rambling, I just follow with my fingers on the keyboard. It's not my fault!

Yeah, it all makes for fantastic reading in the 400+ page autobiography The Dirt: Confessions of the World's Most Notorious Rock Band, so there's no reason it can't work on screen. At least that has been the thinking since the best-selling book appeared in 2001. Finally, after a long period of speculation and false starts, the movie now appears to be in pre-production and is due to be released by Paramount and MTV in 2008, with Larry Charles (Borat, Seinfeld, Curb Your Enthusiasm) rumoured to be lined up as director. Most exciting is the news that two "lesser" rock star roles have been established. At the opening of his Vegas tattoo parlour, singer Vince Neil gave an exclusive to ABC's Al Mancini, saying, "We're doing big, giant cameos with those people." He wasn't wrong. Apparently Christopher Walken has agreed to portray Ozzy Osbourne, and Val Kilmer will play David Lee Roth. The group themselves have repeatedly stated in the past that they themselves will be acted out by unknowns, but we all know "unknown" is a grey term at best. Yes, that’s right, when Hollywood wants to leak some juicy news, it comes to slithering to Tiny Mix Tapes, or at least it doesn't sue when we make up whatever the hell we want and post it as the truth. So, in that time-honored tradition, here's who our Tinseltown insider (allegedly) told us will be playing the major roles:

- Tara Reid as Vince Neil

- Quagmire from Family Guy as Tommy Lee (you heard it here first…The Dirt is going to be 1/4 animated!)

- Tara Reid as Pam Anderson

- Ashton Kutcher or his female equivalent, Yasmine Bleeth, as Nikki Sixx

- Tara Reid as Heather Locklear

- The little black-eyed crawling thing from The Grudge as Mick Mars

- Tara Reid (in cornrows) as Axl Rose

Whatever the final castings choices turn out to be, the last words about the flick here have to go to Mötley motormouth bassist Nikki Sixx, who's 2001 diary entry regarding the movie I stole from the "Absolute Motley Crue" fansite and I'm posting here because it has the word "balls" in it a lot: "...BUT IVE SEEN ENOUGH R MOVIES TO KNOW THAY CAN SNEAK SOME REAL LIFE GRIME IN THERE AND NOT LOSE THE BALLS... THATS THE ONE THING WE INSIST ON..THIS MOVIE HAS TO HAVE BALLS... BIG FUCKING NASTY HAIRY HANGING LOW HEAVY METAL BALLS..."

Ahhh, once again, Sixx soothes the soul. Man, this movie just simply HAS to happen!

Clergy from Virgin and Pontiac Unite For Marketing Purposes, Church of “Virgiac” to Launch Later This Week

According to “billboard.biz” (a non-partisan website that chronicles in
great detail the when, where, why, and money shot every time the great
shaven phallus of the music industry fucks music itself in order to make
our world a cooler place), Virgin Megastores and Pontiac are coming
together in order to form the most sacred ad campaign in human history:
The Pontiac Towers.

Hey! Put down those Orwell-quoting protest signs and letters to the
Adbusters editor -- you, you poor, lost little lamb -- you haven’t even heard
why you need The Pontiac Towers in your life yet. They will serve a myriad
of purposes, including but not limited to: featuring musical artists who
have had their work used in Pontiac advertisements, showcasing Pontiac
merchandise, and being homes to interactive displays on which consumers
can view “Pontiac Garage” concert footage.

Most importantly, however, the Towers should be worshipped in body and in spirit several times daily by all passers-by in order for the maximum
power of the ad campaign to be realized. From the Towers, the worship will
be condensed, shrink-wrapped, and sent skyward to the mysterious but
powerful “Virgiac,” who will, if pleased, bless mankind with more car
commercials and catchier pop-punk anthems. If you are a faithful servant
of Virgiac until the day you die, you will be rewarded by spending an
eternal afterlife as a wealthy member of the 18-34 demographic.

In addition to the towers, Virgin will license at least 30 songs to
Pontiac every year for various purposes, such as TV spots and online ads.
Mark-Hans Richer, Pontiac’s Marketing Director, said of the promotion: “I
think brands and bands can make each others’ products better,” in a spare
moment between silent prayer hour and Gregorian chant time. “Brands and
bands” -- now there’s a catch phrase for the new millennium if I ever heard
one. Enjoy your scoffs of skepticism now, doubter, but don’t come to me in
the afterlife you’ll inevitably be spending as a destitute 92-year-old man
looking for alms, cause you ain’t gettin’ anything from me or my
rising-star-in-the-legal-profession young wife. Don’t give him any money,
Vanessa, you’re only hurting him in the long run.

Radiohead To Cover Stone Temple Pilots; Okay, I Lied – Radiohead To Debut Two New Songs On Nigel Godrich’s TV Show

For those of you who salivate over all things Radiohead, you may have heard about this little program put together by their occasional producer and collaborator Nigel Godrich. In case you haven't, or need to be reminded, the television show, entitled From The Basement, is to be a glorious program full of wonderous musical performances by the likes of Four Tet, The White Stripes, Beck, and Jamie Lidell (among others).

Set to premiere on December 18, the show will be available as an un-free download. To ensure themselves a whole bunch of almost guaranteed revenue and media interest, Radiohead, or at least Thom Yorke, will be premiering two BRAND! NEW! Radiohead songs on the show. The songs, "Videotape" and "Down Is The New Up," are apparently due to appear on the BRAND! NEW! ALBUM NUMBER SEVEN! by Radiohead. Did I mention that Godrich isn't fully producing said LP?

If you don't believe me, check out this fancy-dancy link.

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