Classic Example of the Blind Suing the Poor: Sony BMG Sues Rootkit Antipiracy Software-Makers

You just knew Sony BMG had a fucked idea when they suggested anti-pirateable CDs.

And you just knew Sony BMG had fucked up when the anti-piracy software it felt was soooo necessary for CDs to contain occasionally didn't even allow the CDs to be played. Or, maybe you were thinking this was a revolutionary concept: allow CONSUMERS to PURCHASE a CD, but DON'T LET the CONSUMER — the one who purchased it, the one inclined to listen to it — to do so, to CONSUME. The logic does follow — if music can't be heard, it can't be pirated. The exception, of course, being John Cage's "4'33"."

But, dammit, there are laws in this country, and when you pay for a CD, there better godfuckingdammit be audible noise on that CD. AND IT BETTER NOT MAKE YOUR COMPUTER VULNERABLE TO VIRUSES. Well, that was precisely the problem, and Sony BMG got its ass sued and settled for a $5.75 million loss, and rightfully so: a jury could have come up with that verdict.

With CD sales perpetually in decline, Sony BMG has no other choice now but to turn around (stop, briefly, from telling its RIAA lawyers to sue college students) and sue that anti-piracy, non-functioning-software, computer vulnerability-making development company, The Amergence Group Inc. (formerly SunnComm), for $12 million.

The software probably was shitty -- I mean, by its nature, it was shitty -- but The Amergence Group has vowed to fight the allegations. Shouldn't Sony BMG have used a more reputable software development company, like Intel or whoever? Don't they have anyone working quality control? Wasn't this a bad idea from the start? Sony BMG should count their losses and stop with the bad fucking ideas.

But seriously, if I could say anything to the major record labels, it would be to sue your own dumb asses. Carrie Underwood sucks. You suck. Go bankrupt, you corrupt pieces of fucking bullshit!

Panda Bear Tour DVD to be Released; Widespread Panda Bear Fornication in Celebration

Digital Versatile Disc news ahoy, on no less than TWO fronts! First of all, zoologists in the Far East who have been frustrated for over the total fucking ineptitude, reproduction-wise, of giant pandas seem to have hit upon an unlikely solution in the shape of DVDs portraying unexpurgated panda bear FILTH.They’ve found that if you show male panda bears a few hours of this ultra-hot panda porn, then those chaps soon get dirty-minded enough to throw down their bamboo chews and totally get into searching out some hot Ailuropoda melanoleuca madam for an extended session of cold shit action! As if this wasn’t peculiar enough, it’s apparently not the sight, but the sounds associated with the bump ‘n’ grind that turn Mr. Panda crazy with desire.

Of course, there are some other types of Panda Bear noises that make you and I and everyone we know (except for the zoophiles amongst us, who I’m sure are already searching out that XXX panda goodness) feel all sort of loose, hot, and lascivious. And our desires are all gonna be totally catered to, too! Panda Bear -- the Person Pitch (TMT Review) /Animal Collective dude, of course -- is having a DVD released in the near future, documenting his recent solo shows in Baltimore, Philadelphia, and New York. There’ll be footage of the support bands and all kinds of backstage stuff on there as well.

The footage has been shot and is being edited by a chap who goes only by the name ‘Mike.’ His website is a little sketchy about the whole thing, but from what I can understand, it looks like the DVD will only be available from this mysterious Mike’s site, and it’ll probably cost you a donation of $5-10 to cover his costs. Noah Lennox himself appears to have approved the whole deal, saying that he "thought it would be good to have for all the people who would have liked to see the show, but couldn't because it was far away." Far, far away, even? How sweet of him.

Mekons Plan Intimate Fall Tour; Audiences Not Ready For Intimacy With Jon Langford

It was the end of the tour, and Jon Langford could barely contain his relief. It had been a long and arduous musical journey, but now it was complete, as all things will eventually be. Langford lowered his eyes and blushed as he remembered the songs the band had played and the new faces he had met. Oh, how the audience had erupted in applause at the final note! Oh, how thankful Langford was for his many musical blessings! In accordance with tradition, Langford placed his hands on the floor of his dressing room and bowed deeply.

But the tour was not the only thing on Langford's mind; there was also a new album to be worrying about. Fresh tears formed on Langford's eyelashes. Oh, how he wished he could stay forever on stage, surrounded by those who knew his name and appreciated his work, never asking for more! It was only a trifling number of days over one month before his band's new album, Natural, would be released. August 21 was the day he could finally, truly breathe out a deep sigh. Oh, how he and his band had slaved away at those 12 songs! Langford smiled ruefully to himself. He pulled out an old, faded photograph of the band from their early years and chuckled good-naturedly to himself, as he again remembered his band's storied past. Have I been happy with my life thus far? he thought. Langford turned away so his tears wouldn't spoil the photograph. He looked out at the freshly falling snow and began to softly urinate on the shag carpet beneath him.

Natural tracklisting:

Feist To Tour Europe, Girlfriends With Bad Skin and Big Noses To Turn Away in Unvoiced Insecurity When Their Indie Boyfriends Accidentally Whisper “I Love You, Leslie Feist” During Sex; And Oh, Hey, Regina George, Don’t You Be Trippin’ - Feist Taught Lindz LoLo Everything She Knows About Sex Appeal

Janis: Leslie Feist. How do I even begin to explain Leslie Feist?

Girl: Feist is flawless.

Another Girl: She has two Fendi purses and a silver Lexus.

Boy: I heard her hair is insured for $10,000.

Another Girl: I hear she does car commercials... in Japan.

Another Girl: Her favorite movie is Varsity Blues.

Another Girl: One time, she met John Stamos on a plane. And he told her she was pretty.

Another Girl: One time, she punched me in the face... It was awesome!

Girl: I saw Feist wearing army pants and flip flops, so I bought army pants and flip flops...

Let’s be real. La-Lohan ain’t no Mean Girl next to Her Feisty-ness, but she did perform the hot, wet, dancetastic “Rumors,” which runs in the same vein as The Reminder and perhaps bests any literature by Leonard Cohen. Find the two North American tourdates in the list below, find Waldo, find Feist’s used tissues and chewed gum:

Jonathan Davis Ordered by God to Ressurect Superdrag, Also Commanded to Spit-up All of Those Feelings He Sucked Out Without Asking 10 Years Ago

Listen up, all you closet '90s alterna-pop aficionados: The jig is up. I know you're out there, clandestinely listening to Throwing Copper and Nada Surf's High/Low on your non-skip-protected discman while playing Sega 32X, blasting "The Blue Album" and The Bends from the awkwardly placed, trunk-incarcerated 6-disc changer in your Ford Tempo, and taping tracks off of the now-deemed "retro" afternoon radio shows from Tragic Kingdom and What's the Story, Morning Glory? while lamenting that "you never hear anything from Live Through This anymore."

It's alright. Everyone knows. I'm not here to judge you. In fact, I'm actually here to throw you a bit of a conciliatory bone... a '90s-hip, neon-green, Packard-Bell brand bone.

Whether it be at the behest of some kind of "burning bush" trip-out voice or simply because he's finally figured out he can't piece together a reasonable living as a holy-rollin' Christian artist, the born-again John Davis has found it in his infinite wisdom to roll away the stone and raise-up the infamous Superdrag, the veritable Poster-boys for '90s Rock One-Hit-Wonderism, for a fleeting U.S. tour this fall.

This is relatively prophetic news, considering it's been a little more than just three days since this '90s pop staple was nailed to that fated music industry tree. The Knoxville, Tennessee band's original conclave of John Davis (guitar, vocals), Don Coffey Jr (drums), Brandon Fisher (guitar), and Tom Pappas (bass) haven't appeared on-stage together in eight years. And while Superdrag are best-known for their 300k-selling 1996 debut Regretfully Yours and that wonderful old larynx-raking single "Sucked Out," the band released three other albums before calling it quits after 2002's Last Call For Vitriol. Pappas and Fisher left the band following 1998's sophomore album Head Trip In Every Key. Davis released his Christian-influenced solo debut in 2005. What's that? Never heard about that record?! Hmmm...

"We're really looking forward to seeing you at the shows,” sayeth Brother John on the official website. "I think it's cool that fans who discovered Superdrag through In The Valley Of Dying Stars or Last Call For Vitriol who never got a chance to see the original line-up play will now have the opportunity. I think it's cool that people still care about Superdrag. We thank you all from the bottoms of our hearts. Seriously."

The born-again band will also be pressing (well, they probably won't be pressing it themselves, but you know what I'm sayin') a limited run of a new 2-disc rarities compilation titled 4-Track Rock 1992-1995 + Complete "Bender" Sessions which, in addition to being a real unholy bitch to say, will be sold at these venerable shows. And to make matters a little bit more piteous, the band will also be holding a poll to find fans' three (or, if you will, "Holy Trinity" of) favorite songs. According to the band's official website, the winning consubstantial combo of songs will go into the reunion shows' setlist. Surprisingly enough, the '90s band is very hip to the internet technology of the new millennium, so all you have to do is point your new-fangled, high-speed browser toward the Superdrag message board if you want to, you know, vote for "Sucked Out" three times in a row...

Not exactly 40 Day and 40 Nights, but:

And on the Seventh Date, Davis rested...

Target Buys Another Soul, Turns Around And Sells It At A Reasonable Price

Nineties alterna-rock hit-makers Collective Soul (wow, they had about 15 different singles on multiple Billboard charts back in the day) have signed with a major retailer, not a major record label, for their next album. The Georgia-based, quasi-Christian group announced that the aforementioned -- and properly spelled -- record, Afterwords, will be sold exclusively at Target. So, in case you are birthday shopping for your "cool uncle" or want to buy something for a person you hate, Target will be the only place to get the physical CD (download available from iTunes) beginning August 28.

In celebration of this semi-noteworthy alliance, not to mention Collective Soul being synonymous with the "Clinton Years," here is the tracklist to the Jerky Boys: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack:

Make sure to check out CS with Counting Crows and Live on tour this summer. It will be a great way to bond with Uncle Don. Plus, your mom will be happy you are finally listening to "normal music."

  

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