Clinic Tours; Contrary to Popular Belief, There Is Apparently No Dancing, Drinking, or Screwing for Students at Central St. Martin’s College

Well, wee did bop and bop in mono

Wee did bop and bop down low

Got to get it and get it ohhhh

Got it? Do you get it? Get it down low

Ticky ticky to marmalade

Ticky ticky to marmalade

Oh, I ticky ticky to marmalade

Sit here, uh

Come a-come a-come

Sit here, uh

Come a-come a-come come

Well, western boys and highs and lows

Western boys, their highs are lows

Ticky ticky to marmalade

Ticky ticky to marmalade

Oh, I ticky ticky to marmalade

Sit here, uh

Come a-come a-come

Sit here, uh

Come a-come a-come come

Well, western bloc, bloc commander...

What is this shit? The sounds someone makes while having a seizure? Nope. The ramblings of a schizophrenic? Not even. Give up? It's the sound of me singing along to Clinic's "The Second Line" (Internal Wrangler). Are those the actual lyrics? Well, probably not. But it's such a damn catchy song that I kind of have to sing along, incomprehensible though it is.

I wonder if anyone knows the lyrics to this song. Apparently the internets have no idea: every single "I give you lyrics and then put pop-ups and spyware on your computer" site has a different rendition posted. My favorite has to be the one that interprets the song's first lyrics as "weed and bach." Weed and Bach? For reals? Can I come to that party?

Anyway, apparently people hate weed and Bach, and those people are college students. No really, it's true. Those crazy kids at London's Central St. Martin's College have forced the school to cancel Clinic's on-campus performance, scheduled for December 14, because they're afraid it will interfere with exam preparation. Whoa. And this is an art school -- it's not like it's Carnegie Mellon or something -- an art school whose website features some hipster kids with buckets on their heads, no less. I mean, I tried to think of a nice turn of phrase, but I've got to say it: what weenies. What total effing dweebs. Whatever happened to the likes of that good time gal who Jarvis Cocker once told us "studied sculpture at St. Martin's College"? I guess they don't want to "watch [their] lives slide out of view," so to speak. I guess they don't feel like pretending they "never went to school."

Good thing they're touring North America, where people actually appreciate them and where art school kids actually live up to their slacker stereotypes, next year.

And if I were those Clinic guys, I would totally write a blog entry about being uninvited to St. Martin's, completely centered around a pun involving the title of the band's latest release, Visitations (Domino).

Weed and Bach and Common People and Western Bloc and Cocker Tour:

28 More Things to Love About Silber Records

1 Origami Tacet - “Remembrance” (video edit)
2 Immune - “The Gleams Remained After the Blast”
3 Rachel Goldstar - “Christmas Day”
4 Siberia - “Hibernation (Coda)”
5 Living in Photographs - “Barabbas”
6 Small Life Form - “Bells & Envelopes”
7 Electric Bird Noise - “Christmas with Reilly”
8 The Zanzibar Snails - “In the Land of Nod”
9 Plumerai - “Crucifixed”
10 Remora - “O Come, O come, Emmanuel”
11 Sailor Winters - “What Child Is This?”
12 Shiny Around the Edges - “The Christmas Song”
13 Peter Aldrich - “Finger Pick Prince of Peace”
14 Wrong Brothers - “Slay Bells”
15 Bokor - “Secrets”
16 230 Divisadero - “Storm in December”
17 Moral Crayfish - “He Was Disturbed, and All of Jerusalem With Him”
18 South West Airline - “Sweet Sweet”
19 Recorded Home - “No Sound Around”
20 Remora - “What Can I Give Him?”
21 Duane Pitre/Pilotram - “Piano Improvisation for Mr. Cage”
22 Mars Field - “Jesus Christ”
23 Goddack vs JM - “A Winter Rhythm in You” (featuring Sue Zen)
24 Blessed Child Opera - “Broken Breeze”
25 My Ambient Nature Girl - “Handel’s Messiah Part 4”
26 The Wades - “The Snow”
27 The Torch Marauder featuring Matt Westlake - “At Blitzen’s Funeral”
28 The Upsidedown Stars - “Hark, the Herald Angel Sings”

No, we haven’t suffered a stroke. What the above list shows is the track number, artist name, and song title, respectively, of the brand spankin’ new Silber Sounds of Christmas compilation from Silber Records. The physical 2xCD-R version is available to order now, but in the true spirit of giving, the whole shebang is downloadable here for FREE! Bless you, sweet baby Silber Jebus!

Most keeners will remember Silber as the label that issued the solo album of guitar workouts by Alan Sparhawk (Low) earlier this year, named, curiously enough, Solo Guitar, but to keener-ers, the North Carolina record company has been a formidable provider of minimal, neo-classical, noisepop, drone, etc. since the mid-1990s. Although most of the acts on this third yuletide volume eat up Christmas spirit and spit it out like Gramps does with the errant stems in Mom's homemade cranberry sauce, it is obvious they all carry the essential elements of the holy season inside their artistic hearts. Silber Sounds includes renditions of x-mas classics like Rachel Goldstar’s “Christmas Day” and Shiny Around the Edges' “The Christmas Song,” seasonal tribute gifts such as “Piano Improvisation for John Cage” by Duane Pitre/Pilotram, the political incorrectness (but only if you take it out of its biblical context) of Moral Crayfish's “He Was Disturbed, and All of Jerusalem With Him,” and possibly an ode to everybody's favorite gifts, pre-op tranny hookers, in South West Airline’s “Sweet Sweet.” Drop in paeans to tinsel- and tonsil-hockey and you will almost be able to hear the sleighbells on the roof!

Shocker: RIAA Petitions Judges to LOWER Artist Royalties (But.. But Isn’t the RIAA Suing Music Fans Because of Lost Artist Royalties?)

[Stops typing, looks over shoulder in slight surprise, swivels chair to face camera] Oh, hello. My name is Mango Starr, and I'm a news writer for Tiny Mix Tapes, an online music magazine. [Camera slowly zooms in] I would like to share with you some exciting information about the RIAA that will surely help you gain perspective on -- what some scientists and other credible sources say -- the "evil" practices of the MP3 world.

You see, the RIAA is a trade group that "represents the U.S. recording industry." Despite its emphasis on shareholders stock photos of attractive white business men, smiling and shaking hands], the RIAA truly does care about its artists [vibrant concert footage of Puff Daddy, Radiohead, and Shania Twain] and finds it sad when anti-RIAA coalitions like [Candian Music Creators Coaltion are erected by its own artists, with members ranging from The New Pornographers to Sum 41 [photo of ugly dude from Sum 41 drinking beer, random black guy dressed in "gangster" clothing].

Despite these unappreciative artists, the RIAA is still figuring out ways to make artists and music fans like you happy about the infiltration of the digital music world. Before the RIAA can make everyone happy though, it has to show people like you why it is so important to understand the lies ominous music] of places like the [Electronic Frontier Foundation (EFF), who are encouraging, perhaps even brainwashing people into signing its petition ("Take a Stand Against the Madness: Stop the RIAA!"). The EFF has over 80,000 signatures so far, and will deliver the petition to the Senate and House Commerce and Judiciary Committees once it reaches 100,000 signatures. The RIAA encourages you NOT to sign this petition because it is full of lies.

Inspirational music] Instead, the [RIAA has its own petition in mind. According to The Hollywood Reporter, the RIAA is "petitioning the panel of federal government Copyright Royalty Judges to lower the rates paid to publishers and songwriters for use of lyrics and melodies in applications like cell phone ring tones and other digital recordings."

[Clip of RIAA executive VP and General Counsel Steven Marks] "Mechanical royalties currently are out of whack with historical and international rates. We hope the judges will restore the proper balance by reducing the rate and moving to a more flexible percentage rate structure so that record companies can continue to create the sound recordings that drive revenues for music publishers."

[Back to Mango Starr, now near office water cooler with "I Love Music" coffee mug] Yes, these are indeed exciting times for the RIAA. But you may be asking yourself, "But why is the RIAA wanting to lower artist royalties when it's also suing music pirates in the name of these very same artists?" Look, I am not here to raise questions. Do something that you enjoy; watch TV, go to Disneyworld, listen to music. The RIAA wants to ensure you get the music you want, period. The RIAA also wants what’s best for the artists, period. So, have faith in the RIAA, because the RIAA has faith in you.

I'm Mango Starr. Thanks for spending time with me. And just remember: without the RIAA, music would probably not exist.

(This has been a paid advertisement by the Recording Industry Association of America)

Glasgow + Brooklyn = Camera Obscura & The Essex Green Ride in Tandem This Winter

Let’s start off with a question: “Which Merge Records artist released one of the great indie-pop albums of 2006?” Seems simple enough, but the question is actually a bit tricky. You see, there are two answers to the question, because both Camera Obscura and The Essex Green released LPs on Merge that had fans of accomplished, adorable, and hook-filled pop seeing little cartoon hearts all year long.

Let's see how it all works:

Camera Obscura's contribution to 2006, Let’s Get Out Of This Country, had the distinction of being the best CO album ever, as well as the best Concretes album of the year (sadly, in the race for best Concretes album of ’06, the actual Concretes came in 2nd). Meanwhile, The Essex Green put out another gem, Cannibal Sea, this year, which demonstrated that the band might only now be reaching the peak of its powers.

See! Anyway, put all that aside, as we must look to the future. Camera Obscura are starting a musical performance journey (you say tour) across the States, beginning January 17 in Atlanta. And guess what? The other aforementioned band The Essex Green are opening a great number of these shows (Carrboro to Chicago). Meanwhile, the West Coast portion of the trip, from Seattle to Los Angeles, has the Merge bossman’s band, Mac Superchunk’s own Portastatic, on the bill. They are promoting two 2006 LPs (that’s nothing to sneeze at), Be Still Please and the Who Loves The Sun soundtrack, as well as the digital-only Sour Shores EP. These sunny tunesmiths might just make your winter a little warmer.

Tourdates:

Clap Your Hands Say Yeah Release Some Loud Thunder, Strange Weather Patterns Aroused

"That's some loud thunder," said Barb. She was on the front porch, on her wooden rocker -- rocking, rocking hard and fast. The cool evening air swept across the sweet, dewy, rolling hills of her bosom. She breathed in and out, the hills bouncing above and below sea level, defying all laws of nature and global warming. The intense heat wafted from Barb's breasts. She, like the men from her last trip to the general store, watched as the steam rose.

Barb had always stolen looks. She was like a supermodel in those fancy fashion magazines you see in the big city. She was a scrumptous piece of pie, a piece of pie with undulating fields of boobs. Barb surely was a sight to see. Men would travel from miles around to get a glimpse of one of the great wonders of the natural world. You see, Barb's breasts drove men wild, but she drove other things to go wild, too.

Her breasts were so amazing, so hot that they created their own weather patterns. She was a walking warm front, clashing with the jet stream and the hot, lusting hearts of men. Barb tried her best to keep her personal El Nino tucked away under towels and tin foil, but on a night as magical as this, so cool and refreshing, the breeze rips through the tin foil and swirls around them like a man's hand might.

But, to the dismay of every man in the county, the hand of the wind is greater than any mere mortal. Suddenly, thunder rolls and crashes, scaring the dog by Barb's side. "Some loud thunder!" she reiterates in a louder, if not breathier, voice. The clapping of the thunder grows more intense; flashes of light zap her elbows and eye sockets. Barb starts to rock faster in her chair... faster.... harder. And then there it is! Music. Diluted by the thunder and rain, the music fights its way to the forefront. What are those much-hyped tunes? Is it another effect of Barb's magical boobs of weather fury?

No. Clap Your Hands Say Yeah are releasing their second album, Some Loud Thunder on January 30. Here's the tracklist from their website:

1. Some Loud Thunder
2. Emily Jean Stock
3. Mama, Wonʼt You Keep Them Castles in the Air and Burning?
4. Love Song No. 7
5. Satan Said Dance
6. Upon Encountering the Crippled Elephant
7. Goodbye to Mother and the Cove
8. Arm and Hammer
9. Yankee Go Home
10. Underwater (You and Me)
11. Five Easy Pieces

Dude, What’s That Sound You’re Making in the Bathroom… Dude? Oh, !!! Announced a Release Date for Their Next LP! Gross!!

How do you follow up a 2004 release titled Louden Up Now? With a March 4, 2007 release called Myth Takes. Good move !!!. I see that you Brooklyn dance-punkers received my letter that I sent you:

Dear !!!,

I decided to send this message to you written in blood. I hope that does not offend you. I appreciate your silly lyrics and intellectual declaration of “Footloose.” I was a little thrown off when you went on tour in the UK supporting Red Hot Chili Peppers. But I have forgiven you. I decided to be cleverly frivolous like my “idols” and write this letter in binary code. However, I didn’t write this letter in binary code until right NOW!
01101101 01111001 01110100 01101000 00100000 01110100 01100001 01101011 01100101 01110011

With love-funk,

Emceegreg

To all of you feeble-minded TMT readers, what I said to them in binary code was “Myth Takes.” A month later, the band decides the title for their anticipated release. Coincidence? Yes! Weird? No, not really. Stupid? Mos def!

Here is the tracklist for Myth Takes that I so ironically ESPd to their asses:

1. Myth Takes
2. All My Heroes Are Weirdos
3. Must Be The Moon
4. A New Name
5. Heart Of Hearts
6. Sweet Life
7. Yadnus
8. Bend Over Beethoven
9. Break In Case Of Anything
10. Infinifold

And here is a binary message for all you TMT readers out there: 01110000 01100101 01101110 01101001 01110011. The first one to decipher the message wins a date with Tad Hamilton! No, just kidding. You win nothing.