Congressman Discusses Merits Of Girl Talk And His Thieving, Amoral Ways

U.S. Congressman Mike Doyle (D-PA) recently shimmied into Congress in the middle of a hearing on The Future Of Radio, sporting a torn pair of Diesel jeans and a homemade Bloc Party t-shirt, and took no time cutting off Oldie McDecrepit (R-IL) in the middle of his sentence to say, "I want to tell a little story about a local guy done good." Congressman McDecrepit was taken aback and grabbed his overhead transparency on cassette swapping and murmured, "Now what's all this about, you old poop?"

Doyle swung his right leg up onto a boombox, lit a joint, and blew it in the face of Grandpa J. Victrola (R-FL). He went on. "His name is Gregg Gillis, and by day he's a biomedical engineer in Pittsburgh. At night, he DJs under the name Girl Talk. His latest mashup record Night Ripper ([TMT Review)] made the top of 2006 lists from Rolling Stone, Pitchfork, and Spin Magazine."

"I'll give you something to spin, sonny," moaned Dopey Hatemusic (R-WA) as he grabbed his cane and threw it a few inches in front of him. Everyone paused to watch it clatter to the floor and rest on Doyle's foot, and minutes later, Hatemusic let out his final death rattle. Doyle started a noise zine in his honor later that day, but for now, he continued. He spoke of a common zip code between he and Gregg Gillis and how that wasn't the only thing they shared. "I hope that everyone involved will take a step back," he crooned, "and ask themselves if mash-ups and mix tapes are really different, or if it's the same as Paul McCartney admitting he nicked a Chuck Berry bass riff and used it on the Beatles hit ‘I Saw Her Standing There.' " Congresswoman Pleasure F. Hater (R-MO) pressed the button on her speaking machine, which let out a puff of smoke and said, "I love Chuck Berry!"

Doyle finished off his speech by declaring the kind of music Girl Talk makes as a "transformative new art that expands the listener's experience," to which all the other congressmen threw their hands up and went back to their lawn chairs to yell at small shadows they think might be children.

Say hi to Mike Doyle at these venues:

* w/ Neutral Milk Hotel

Melt-Banana to Release New Album, CO2s

Melt-Banana, best known for calling global warming the "greatest hoax ever perpetrated on the American people," are set to release some CO2s on an upcoming tour. The band will begin proudly releasing emissions in Japan, with four dates that they insist will contribute tremendously to greenhouse gases. Then they'll hop on a plane, estimated to release 300,000 tons of CO2 emissions, for an energy-wasting U.S. tour. Driving around in a rented GM Hummer, with commensurate high fuel consumption, Melt-Banana will take their inefficient live show to 17 cities (with many more planned), "bumping hybrid vehicles into oncoming traffic and taking the long, ‘scenic' routes in order to ensure the ice caps melt a little faster."

The tour is in support of Melt-Banana's ninth album, Bambi's Dilemma, an album that scathingly critiques global warming and its supporters. It was recorded in a 100-year-old home, in which they washed all their clothes in hot water, took really long, steaming showers, opened the windows with the old heater constantly running, and replaced every compact fluorescent light bulb with regular, 120-watt bulbs. In order to consume more energy, the band is releasing the album on their own A-Zap Records, which has taken several energy-consuming measures -- leaving electronic devices on, not planting trees around the building, slightly deflating the tires on all A-Zap vehicles, buying products with a lot of packaging -- to ensure that the earth gets a little warmer for everyone. As they best put it, "If you hate winter weather, it is in your best interest to consume more energy."

The band expects to release a combined 12 million tons of CO2s by the end of the year. Bambi's Dilemma is set for release this month.

$ XBXRX

The Sea And Cake Tour America; All Hail John McCrea!

It is my personal belief that The Sea and Cake are one of the most talented and influential bands of the mid-'90s and beyond. Their use of different styles to form an alternate cohesion has taught dozens of other bands the benefits of experimentation and synthesis. From their very first album, Motorcade of Generosity, the band threw out the rulebooks and made 13 songs of lite FM splendor. The disarming intro, "Comanche," storms into music history with its opening lines: "You need to straighten your posture and suck in your gut / You need to pull back your shoulders and tighten your butt."

From there, the band took off on quite a journey. Little did they know that with their second album, Fashion Nugget, they would be unleashing a hit song that would become the anthem of three or four months in 1996: "The Distance." The Sea and Cake also showed off their quirky sense of humor with an irreverent cover of Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive" that sent the public into a slight murmur.

Yes, they have consistently delivered the goods, album after album, but since 2004, it's been nothing but a painful silence. Well people, it's time to gear up for another scorcher paired with a national tour! I couldn't be more excited about their new LP, Everybody, scheduled for release on May 8 via Thrill Jockey.

Hold on hold on, Thrill Jockey? I don't see this info on Wikipedia. There's just something about a B-sides collection and a live album. What's the deal? Ohhhh, The Sea and Cake? Shit... never heard of them.

Everybody tracklist:

* The Zincs

$ Loney, Dear

Suits Indicted in Outpatient Facility Scam Including CBS Radio EVP Brian Ongaro; Tries to Blame Bad Business Decisions on Losing Howard Stern to Sirius Satellite

I swear this was one of those stories I thought would be cool to write. Then I realized it was about as cool as "Bazooka Joe Raps." We are normally much more prompt in reporting crooks getting their comeuppance, but it still gives us a lot of pleasure to report that a federal grand jury in Phoenix has handed down a 33-count indictment against nine people, including Dallas-based CBS Radio executive vice president Brian Ongaro. Ongaro snagged about $750,000 for his part in an elaborate scheme that involved getting people to invest in CORF Licensing Services (CLS), which issued licenses to investors establishing outpatient rehabilitation and massage therapy centers. The charges are for conspiracy, mail fraud, and money laundering. Our three faves. Don't executives go to business schools primarily to be well-versed in hiding funds gained illegally? Isn't it safer to just go with anonymously calling the elderly to ask them for their credit card and social security numbers?

I know what you're thinking: "This TMT douche won't be able to explain it as concisely as a FBI Special Agent in Charge could," right? FBISAiC John Lewis outlines the grift for us simpletons!

"The defendants' scheme to defraud was ongoing, and took in 40 million dollars. They solicited new licensees through ads, the internet, seminars, statements, and use of paid referrals, knowingly and intentionally misrepresenting the quality of their company, CLS's services, by understating the costs and risks associated with establishing a CORF, including patient activity, potential income and profit." He mentioned "the internet" in there somewhere. So this is basically like The Net?

Being the professional journalist that I am, I asked CBS affiliate KOCK's morning show host DJ Danny "the Panda" Anderson for a comment. He shook his head and said, "Gahd dammit! When are those high-rollin' galouts gonna wake up and stop their crazy shenanigans? Can't e'ryone just have fun and drink some Busch and look at girls in bikinis for kicks? Wait until my partner "Rollplaying Ron" here's about this one, hyuk, hyuk... "

"Digger" McQuade, one half of the KSTD's "Digger" McQuade & The Amateur Erotic Fanfic Cover Illustrator Morning Drive-Time Bonanza, had this to say: "Well, I don’t know what Freddy Fleaballs [he means FBI Special Agent Lewis] was talking about, but sakes alive man! We still haven't got a 'caller to holler' for tickets to the "Nephews of Blue-Collar Comedians" Boatcruise we're puttin' on down at the lake [Sanderson's Quarry]!"

The only thing left to ask is, "Why is this getting written about in TMT's news section?" Well, it does have a tangential music/radio connection. You also got to read a story with the word "galouts" in it. And it's fun to hear about sleazebags getting their just desserts, isn't it? You know, that actually wasn't so painful to sit through and write. Maybe if I was wrong about this story, I'm wrong about the new-fangled Bazooka Joe comics too?

"I'm Bazooka Joe and I'm

extra cool

while I'm in or out of school.

My girlfriend Zena thinks

I'm fine

I dig her, too! So glad

she's mine!"

"I like to play a trick or joke

and jive some unsuspecting

folk!

It's good to laugh,

so be our guest.

Join the Bazooka

blow-out fest!"

Nope. That's still garbage.

Crispy Christian Tea Time! The Robot Ate Me LIVE!

I'd rather move on with the world and quit living in the past. Last Friday night, I had this brilliant idea to try to contact the man behind The Robot Ate Me, Ryland Bouchard, and see how he felt about playing TMT's fake fest this summer. Would he be pissed at us or in tears over the hoax? Who knows? But one thing is for sure: My plan fell through. Although I would still hope that Bouchard got a kick out of the whole thing, TRAM (is that an official abbreviation?) will be touring like a motherfucker this summer. The TMT staff would love to make it to a show to apologize and fraternize, but unfortunately for the rest of our lives, we will be bombarded with many pestilential class-action lawsuits. Looks like the robot ate us this time around.

Nonetheless, I strongly encourage everyone to support Bouchard and his twisted-but-pleasing way of bringing forth music to masses of ears. Still riding off the success of Good World, Bouchard will be touring all of this good land called America. I'll admit Bouchard's lo-fi "splendorific" music has inspired me over the years. If I'm ever frustrated with living in the United States, I always have my own personal musical creations that take me to a whole other place. That's exactly what Bouchard does for me. I'm on cloud 15. I know some people are like, "Well, if you don't like America then you can get the fuck out!" Folks, that is simply not true. I abhor our freedom when we use it to make pointless YouTube videos with Mentos and Diet Coke, but I couldn't leave if I tried. Living in the United States for some is just like going to Wal-Mart. Nobody wants to be at Wal-Mart, but they always end up there anyway.

My point is that The Robot Ate Me is as American as vaginal irrigation, thus sparking the imaginations of creative little boys all over. So do as Emceegreg tells you to, and go see TRAM. I know what's cool, and you're not cool if you don't listen to me. There will be many sick beats and good times had. What more could you ask for?

Bicentennial Man was a bad robot movie; tourdates:

Next Week On Battles!

Scene: The Battles family home. Ian, the dad, is trying to read his paper, but he's having trouble -- his kids, John and Dave, are fighting!

John: Quit it!

Dave: Quit it!

John: Quit it!

Dave: Quit it!

Ian: Why don't ya both quit it! [Laughter. John and Dave both look at Ian with big puppy dog eyes.]

Ian: Aw, I can't stay mad at you two! [They climb into his lap. Just then, Tyondai walks in with the groceries. Applause.]

Tyondai: Hi honey, I'm home!

John and Dave: Mom!! [They climb off their dad and leap at Tyondai. Ian mugs at the camera, as if to say: What's a guy to do?]

Tyondai: Honey, I was thinking... Seeing as we're releasing a new album and everything, why don't we extend that tour? Just a little bit?

Ian: Didn't we tour last year? [Laughter]

Tyondai: Oh, yes, but there are soooo many places I want to see in Europe! Places with romance! Adventure! Places like Bielefeld! Sheffield! Birmingham! [Laughter]

Ian: I don't know... It all sounds expensive.

Tyondai: Would a bottle of your favorite cooking sherry help change your mind? [He pulls a bottle, wrapped in brown paper, out of his grocery bag. Ian's face lights up.]

Ian: Oh, all right then.

John and Dave: Hooray! A tour! A tour!

Tyondai: I love you, darling.

Ian: I love you, too. [They kiss.] Just let me get my shoes. [He puts them on.] Alright, who put shaving foam in my shoes? [Uproarious laughter. John and Dave look innocent. Ian mugs at the camera, as if to say: What's a guy to do?]