The Cure For What Ails Ya: Ted Leo + The Pharmacists Tour America

[Setting: A sterile medical clinic examining room. There sits a half-naked emo kid. A single tear streams down his face. Enter Doctor]

Doctor: So Mr. Heartlong, what can I do for you today?

Emo Kid: [sobs] Well , Sir, um... I've got this... um... burning sensation when I, you know... urinate. And, um... discharge.

D: I see. Well how long have you noticed this?

EK: About 2 weeks.

D: I am sorry to inform you, but it sounds like you may have an STI. Drop your pants and let me take a look.

EK: [continues to sob profusely]

D: [leans forward, examining problem area, gives one of those hmmmm sounds, and stands up] Well again I'm sorry, but it looks like you have a case of gonorrhea.

EK: [really starts to break down, lips quivering] B-b-b-but I've never had sex before.

D: Well I have heard of one other method of contraction. What have you been doing for the last month, approximately?

EK: Nothing sex-wise, I've been sitting in my room, trying to get as many random people on my Facebook friends list as possible to look super cool and listening to the new Fall Out Boy album. But no sex.

D: Ahhh, we've been seeing a lot of this recently.

EK: [uncontrollably crying] What is it, Doc!? How'd this happen!?

D: You see the combination of skin-tight jeans, angular haircuts, and the modulation in Patrick Stump's voice have been causing an epidemic of gonorrhea to spread across the continent.

EK: Is there anything I can do?

D: Well, there is one thing that may be able to help...

EK: What is it? I'll do anything... anything [makes a move on the doctor]

D: [shoving Emo Kid away] God! Get off me, ughh. You have gonorrhea, that's fuckin' sick!

EK: I'm sorry Doc; just make it go away.

D: Okay, but you have to follow my instruction. First of all, we're going to have to amputate that haircut.

EK: [looks like he got kicked in the balls] No Doc, no! There must be some other way. I'm nothing without my hair. How will I show my angst?!?

D: I'm sorry; it's part of the quarantine process.

EK: Is that all? You're not going to have to amputate anything else are you?

D: No. But you need to take this prescription and go to Ted's Pharmacy, and talk to the head pharmacist, Leo. It's a traveling pharmacy though, so you'll have to catch him at one of these locations:

EK: Thanks Doc. [sniff] But what are you prescribing me?

D: Some taste, now get the hell out of my office! And kid... you're going to be okay.

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