David Bowie Shows His Sexy Cheekbones in Public to Benefit Ailing Children; Scarlett Johnansson is a Homewrecker

Dear David Bowie,

I thought you were really sexy in Labyrinth, which came out when I was a toddler. Some two-year-olds are into Big Bird; some prefer Mr. Rogers, but I was a totally rock 'n' roll kid, and something about the way you looked in those tight spandex leggings really shook my rattle, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, I know you're married to Iman and all, and that you're even making an exception to your year off from music [TMT News] to perform at the Keep a Child Alive Annual Black Ball, which your wife will be hosting. But I just want you to know that I'll be there, November 9, at Hammerstein Ballroom, not because I really give a fuck about AIDS, but because I can't believe I wasted the opportunity to jump your (cheek)bones when I met you last year. Now, don't pull that "faithful husband" shit on me. I know you were banging Iggy Pop the whole time you were married to Angie. I hear you even managed to swing a few rolls in the hay with Mick Jagger.

So, I want you to think about my little proposition. You, me, backstage, AIDS benefit. It could be pretty hot. I'll wear those little panties I wore in Lost in Translation; you can wear the aforementioned spandex...

Dance, magic dance,


P.S. I'm taping your appearance on Ricky Gervais's HBO/BBC show, Extras, so I can watch it over and over again... in private.

Pretty Girls Make Graves; A Gun Called She Wants Revenge is Next

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Remember to clear your browser history after any one of these dates!

10.29.06 - Milwaukee, WI - Mad Planet^
10.30.06 - Minneapolis, MN - Triple Rock^
10.31.06 - Tulsa, OK - Cain's Ballroom$
11.01.06 - Des Moines, IA - Val Air Ballroom$
11.03.06 - Chicago, IL - Empty Bottle$
11.04.06 - Toronto, ON - El Mocambo^
11.05.06 - Montreal, QC - Club Lambi^
11.07.06 - Brooklyn, NY - Northsix^
11.08.06 - Philadelphia, PA - First Unitarian Church^&
11.09.06 - Washington, DC - 9:30 Club$%
11.10.06 - Charlottesville, VA - Satellite Ballroom$%
11.11.06 - North Myrtle Beach, SC - House of Blues$%
11.13.06 - Orlando, FL - The Club at Firestone$%
11.14.06 - Atlanta, GA - Earthlink Live$%
11.15.06 - Baton Rouge, LA - Varsity Theater$%
11.16.06 - Houston, TX - Meridian$%
11.17.06 - Austin, TX - Stubb's BBQ$%
11.18.06 - Dallas, TX - Gypsy Ballroom$%
11.20.06 - Tuscon, AZ - Rialto Theatre$%
11.21.06 - San Diego, CA - House of Blues$%
11.22.06 - Anaheim, CA - The Grove of Anaheim$%
11.25.06 - Las Vegas, NV - House of Blues$%

^ A Gun Called Tension
$ She Wants Revenge
& Pam & Angela
% Monsters Are

Woven Hand Tour With Serena-Maneesh and The Evangelicals, Rock ‘n’ Roll Ain’t Never Hip-Hopped Like This

As much as I hate numbered band names (Matchbox 20, Third Eye Blind, Sum 41, DFA1979, Seven Mary Three, etc.), I can't help but have a soft spot in my heart for 16 Horsepower. For those of you who dig the Denver, CO group and are unaware that band leader David Eugene Edwards has continued making music, then you're in luck — the singer has been recording under the Woven Hand moniker since 2001.

So now that you're in the loop, you'll also be pleased to know that the alt.country superstar (no, not Ryan Adams) will be embarking on a solo tour starting today (Tuesday, September 19), opening for the world's favorite Christian gangsta hip-hop group, Serena Maneesh. Also on this short tour will be Norman, OK southern rockers The Evangelicals.

I love rap music. I always have and I always will:

09.19.06 - Seattle, WA - Neumo's
09.20.06 - Portland, OR - Berbati's
09.21.06 - San Francisco, CA - Bottom Of The Hill
09.22.06 - Pomona, CA - Glasshouse
09.23.06 - Los Angeles, CA - Troubadour
09.24.06 - Phoenix, AZ - Hollywood Alley
09.27.06 - Lawrence, KS - Bottleneck
09.28.06 - Denton, TX - Rubber Gloves
09.29.06 - Austin, TX - Emo's
09.30.06 - Houston, TX - Proletriat
10.01.06 - New Orleans, LA - Republic
10.02.06 - Atlanta, GA - Drunken Unicorn
10.03.06 - Chapel Hill, NC - Cat's Cradle
10.04.06 - Falls Church, VA - State Theater
10.05.06 - Philadelphia, PA - First Unitarian Church @
10.06.06 - Brooklyn, NY - Warsaw @

@ w/ Bardo Pond

all dates with Serena Maneesh

most dates with The Evengelicals except for in Austin, Philly and Brooklyn

“Beachles” Mash-Up Creator Becomes World’s Richest Man Overnight; EMI Merely the Innocent Victim of His Insatiable Desire for Power

Poor, poor EMI. All they try to do is give music to the people, and heartless thieves like "Clayton" of claytoncounts.com try and take it all away. You think you're so cool, Clayton? Trying to make a mash-up of Sgt. Pepper's and Pet Sounds? Trying to release it on your website? "The Beachles"? Bet you thought that was a pretty clever name, huh? I bet you wish all music could be made with only a hammer and sickle, don't you Clayton? Shameful. And to think that you made money doing it really makes me -

Oh, wait, it was all released for free on his website? He actually didn't make any money? Oh, well, whatever... just think about all the money EMI is going to lose from this! That's what sucks about being the CEO of a major company. Everyone thinks it's all glitz and glamour. Not so. You can't catch any tax cuts from the government, you can't get laid, and everyone's going around taking your commodities and mashing it all up. I say suing this "Clayton" for $30 million is just a drop in the bucket of what needs to be done -

Oh, wait, in EMI's lawsuit, they also want the IPs of every individual who downloaded it? The dates and times they were downloaded, as well as the number of times each IP downloaded the mash-up? Umm, I guess that's cool, too. Taking it a step farther. Reeeallly teaching these people a lesson. I'm sure you all remember what happened when The Grey Album came out, in protest of EMI's wishes. Ever since its release, no one has bought The White Album or The Black Album. And more than likely, no one will, ever again.

In a perfect world, of course, an EMI board member would be able to stand over all of our shoulders every time we sat down at a computer and would flick our ears when we tried to download or copy any music. But hey, we have to make due with what we got. That's why we need to nip this one in the bud and support EMI's totally legitimate and necessary $30 million lawsuit against one man. If we can just do that, then we are one step closer to our ultimate goal: that one day, people, one sweet day, music will be completely organized, regulated, and sterile.

Sunset Rubdown Sets to Rub One Out on Fall Tour

If Spencer Krug were a snake, he most likely would have a leg. He would even have two legs at that! He would even play in three buzzing bands. Like most people, I have given up trying to guess what Spencer's next move will be. Swan Lake, Spencer's collaboration with Carey Mercer of Frog Eyes and Dan Bejar of Destroyer and The New Pornographers, are releasing their debut album Beast Moans on Nov. 21 on Jagjaguwar.

Spencer's synth-heavy fronted Sunset Rubdown will be slithering upon a modest Midwest tour in further support of the album Shut Up I Am Dreaming [TMT Review], which was released in May. The group also features the eclectic talents of Jordan Robson Cramer, Mike Doerksen, and Camilla Wynn Ingr.

I'll attend a show in hopes of getting Spencer to be in a fourth, but much uglier side-project. Hell, I'll even let you, the reader, in on my oblivious fantasy. First of all, the plan is to get Spencer to sit down and listen to my ideas. Of course, he will have to be drunk. (I'm assuming he was shit-faced before he decided to be in each band he is in. Let us remember that assumptions are the leading cause of cancer; penis cancer, to be more precise.)

Secondly, I will try to get past all of the unnecessary snake references.

Me: How about a whole concept album about snakes?

Spencer: I like snakes!

Me: People really like Snakes on a Plane, right?

Spencer: I guess.

Me: And people really like WWF, correct?

Spencer: Uhh...

Me: Well, we could get Jake the Snake to sing and play guitar for us. And he could sing mystifying lyrics that tell of an adventure he had on Southwest Airlines. And he fights snakes, of course! And uh, Nazis. Lots and lots of Nazis! It's a concept album!

Spencer: Uh... right.

Me: Yeah, it'll be ultra neato! I'll play bongos and the recorder. I play a mean recorder man! And you can just do whatever it is that you do. And we can throw snakes at the audience, and everyone will scream! What do you say?

Spencer: (about to pass out) Yeah...umm... sure.

Let's face it. I know the man likes snakes. After our side project, The Sexy Knights Of Omelet Country, is finished with our spicy world tour, Spencer may possibly get back to work with his lesser-known band. Eh, what's their name? I forgot. Oh well.

Tourdates and sodomy classes elsewhere:

09.23.06 - Cambridge, MA - Middle East
09.24.06 - New York, NY - Bowery Ballroom
09.25.06 - New York, NY - Bowery Ballroom
09.26.06 - Philadelphia, PA - The First Unitarian Church
09.27.06 - Washington, DC - Black Cat
09.28.06 - Durham, NC - Duke Coffeehouse
09.29.06 - Charlotte, NC - Tremont Music Hall
09.30.06 - Atlanta, GA - TBA
10.02.06 - Birmingham, AL - Bottle Tree Cafe
10.03.06 - Newport, KY - Southgate House
10.04.06 - Columbus, OH - Little Brothers
10.05.06 - Cleveland, OH - Beachland Ballroom
10.06.06 - Chicago, IL - Logan Square Auditorium

Oh yeah! Wolf Parade! That's the name. Boy, do I feel stupid!

The fantastically talented trio of Shahin, Zach, and Kid Millions (best fucking name ever) composing the noisily eclectic supergroup Ex Models is waging war on itself with new member Luke Brödy. It's guitars – Zach and Shahin – versus drums – Kid Millions and Luke Brödy – this time around. Touring as the "Fundustrial Set" or "Interstellar Overdrive" or "Fuck Noise, Join the Army," the quartet revealed its immensity at All Tomorrow's Parties, curated by The Yeah Yeah Yeahs this past May. A fellow who goes by the name of Steve Five will also be accompanying the band, although I'm not quite sure what he'll do beyond recording and mixing. They will travel across the United States and even parts of Canada for a mere two weeks. With each new setup, the band has shifted directions in terms of their live performance. From the minute long abrasive outbursts of no-wavey hardcore to a more experimental, repetitive style leaning towards a freer avant-garde, no one knows what to expect with this newest of systems. I'm guessing it will involve some flaunting of the rhythm section and produce profound results.

I'm not going to lie, Ex Models is one of my current favorite bands, and I will do anything to promote them and their tour. Two full-length albums that together are only about 45 minutes long and an EP that totally disregards any sense of traditional songwriting can satisfy any type of music enthusiast. The hyperactive listener is most easily pleased because s/he will no longer have to skip the track immediately after their "favorite part." The rock/metal/noise/abrasive music listener will be most gratified overall because the albums are a perfect jaunt into experimental, hardcore, and comedic heavy music in general. Other listeners will simply be swayed by just how awesome and overwhelming a sound emerges from such minimal instrumentation, or if not, they simply don't matter. No one cares about other peoples' opinion on their own music anyway. Also, the overtly sexual song titles/lyrics should attract most people who enjoy a good laugh now and then. Any song named "Love Japanese Style" or "Fuck to the Music" or "Hott 4 Discourse" or even "Hey Boner" has to be a quality piece of music.

Regardless, Ex Models are one of the few bands innovating in the area of abrasive music without resorting to all-out noise. They have maintained a sense of connection to the rest of the music world, yet they still completely defy all expectations. Throughout their career thus far, they have kept raising the bar higher, playing harsher, fucking gentler, and laughing louder. Ex Models love dissonance, and so do I. According to Motia in an interview, Ex Models' live show "isn't as chaotic as the record," but that it "really brings out the noise of [their] music." Ex Models are in the process of finishing a new blissful split 12-inch with Oneida, which will be released by Brah/Jagjaguwar, and they will hopefully be releasing a new album in the spring of next year. Get excited. Oh, I've also heard, like, rumors that the first ten people at each show get free tickets or something? Whatever.

Banging your head on the wrong beat? We have a solution:

09.23.96 – Annandale-on-Hudson, NY – Bard College SMOGfest
09.29.06 – Philadelphia, PA – Surreal Sound Studios
09.30.06 – Baltimore, MD – Wham City
10.01.06 – Washington, DC – Warehouse Next Door
10.02.06 – Raleigh, NC – King's Barcade
10.03.06 – Atlanta, GA – Drunken Unicorn
10.04.06 – Nashville, TN – TBA
10.05.06 – Memphis, TN – Murphy's
10.06.06 – Dallas , TX – Gypsy Ballroom ) )==D —
10.07.06 – Austin, TX – Stubbs BBQ ) )==D —
10.08.06 – Houston, TX – Warehouse Live ) )==D —
10.09.06 – Tulsa , OK – Cain's Ballroom ) )==D —
10.10.06 – Chicago, IL – Empty Bottle
10.11.06 – Pittsburgh , PA – ON Space
10.12.06 – Toronto, ON – Sneaky Dee's
10.13.06 – Montreal, QC – ZooBizarre
10.14.06 – North Adams, MA – Contemporary Artists Center
10.15.06 – Boston, MA – TT the Bears

) )==D — w/ The Yeah Yeah Yeahs