The Decemberists Go On Tour, Move Mr P To A Bigger House

Portland's own group of indie-folk sea-chantey prog rockers, The Decemberists, are, much like the South, gonna do it again. Tour, that is, as this spring will see another round of dates for the group, which are promoting their major-label debut, 2006's The Crane Wife (Capitol). The band have also just released an iTunes-only live EP, Live From SoHo, which was recorded live at the Apple Store in SoHo. I guess when the internet is the world's record store, then playing the Apple Store is the 21st Century version of an 'in-store' performance. This headlining tour, which will feature My Brightest Diamond as the opening act, finds the group playing in some of the largest venues of their career.

While the press release for this tour mentioned most of what I just told you, there were a few other bits in it that got me thinking. Here's one: 'a much-publicized guitar showdown with Stephen Colbert resulted in Dr. Henry Kissinger, Peter Frampton, and Elliot Spitzer showing up in more Decemberists Google searches than ever before.' I wish TMT was showing up in more Decemberists searches then ever before. But wait, why stop there. I want TMT to show up in more seemingly-out-of-context searches then ever before. Searches for things like:

EMI’s Capitol and EMI’s Virgin Conslidate to Form EMI’s Capitol Music Group, Which Is Ironic Because Would EMI’s Nicoli Send His Own Son to Iraq?

Remember when major music groups gave a shit about their employees? Neither do I, and neither will ex-EMI Group employees two months from now when they're looking for new jobs to call their own (like single-father-of-three Joey Rimshot from Sacramento, who was saving up for a plane ticket to visit his dying father).

It was announced yesterday morning that the EMI Group is consolidating its Capitol and Virgin labels. Named Capitol Music Group and headed by Virgin's Jason Flom, the move is part of a restructuring plan to eliminate redundancies and reduce annual expenses by $217 million. The plan is spearheaded by chief executive officer of EMI Group Eric Nicoli, best known for creating Nestle's Lion Bar, a candy bar consisting of wafer, caramel, and rice crispies covered in milk chocolate (seriously).

So far, Andrew Slater, president and chief executive of Capitol, has "stepped down," joining already dismissed EMI executives Alain Levy and David Munns. BUT WE'RE NOT JUST TALKING ABOUT EXECUTIVE LAYOFFS! The recent announcement supports the somewhat widespread belief that EMI is packaging itself for a sale or merger (rumor has it that Warner Music Group may increase its bid), and according to sources speaking to both The New York Times' Jeff Leeds and Digital Music News, heavy layoffs are expected to come.

Our source had some enlightening things to say, too:

tinymixxtapes3: hey, writing a story about the Capitol/Virgin consolidation... any exclusive info you can give me?

RimShot21: not really. i don't work for EMI anymore. got laid off. those fuckers.

tinymixxtapes3: hahahah!!

RimShot21: what's so funny man?

tinymixxtape3: i was actually going to write about layoffs in my story!

RimShot21: really!? haha, shit, weird.

tinymixxtapes3: so no exclusive info you can give me? c'mon, some quote or something... i'm on deadline yo

RimShot21: not unless you want to report how i was planning to buy a ticket to visit my dying father, but now i can't cuz of the layoff... :

tinymixxtapes3: um, not really. that's too depressing for the readers. fuck it. hey, have you heard the new Panda Bear album? sooooo awesome.

RimShot21: i haven't! hook me up (by the way, understandable about my father...)

tinymixxtapes3: maybe i'll mention it if you buy some ad space for march... ?

RimShot21: hmm, i'm kinda saving for that plane ticket...but i know you've been saving for a new record player...

tinymixxtapes3: well, whatever dude... i do need the money, but do whatever you want (paypal email is gotta go, talk later.

Holy Fuck Fudge On Tour [ed. Let’s At Least Keep The Headline Clean…]

I have no idea how Holy Fuck decided on their band name, but I'm guessing it was the result of sheer frustration. This is how the scenario played out in my head: After hours of debating the name of the band, the collective threw up their arms (in sheer frustration) and agreed that the next two words uttered by anyone would be the name of the band. Everyone sat silently for a few minutes, not wanting to condemn the group to a lifetime of mockery due to a shoddy name. Suddenly, the drummer had to pee. While standing in the bathroom emptying his bladder into the porcelain bowl, he noticed a small circular hole on the wall. Being unfamiliar with the concept of a "glory hole" the unassuming drummer went all Porky's on that hole and decided to take a peek. Bursting from the bathroom in tears the drummer screamed, "HOLY FUCK, I just got an eyeball full of CACK!"

For those a little lost because of the slang vernacular my imagination employed back there, CACK is a common mispronunciation of the word "cock," which refers to the (preferably) long, tube-shaped part of the male genitalia. For the never-been-humped ladies reading, "cock" is the gender opposite of "cunt," a slang term for the mighty clam caught between your legs. "Cunt" is also one of the more offensive sounding words in the English language, especially when you pack it full of hate and vitriol. Use it next time you get into a shout-off with the mistress, there's nothing more satisfying than making someone smaller than you cry... unless they become so enraged that they kill you. That would be bad.

Oh... and just in case anyone is still reading, Holy Fuck are about to go on tour. Check them out. They're really good. Seriously.

Holy Fuck Tour DateZ:

Exclusive: Dinosaur Jr. Reuniting With David Lee Roth For Tour

Confidential sources are telling TMT that the sources who told Billboard that David Lee Roth is reuniting with Van Halen are full of shit. The real story is that David Lee Roth is reuniting (for the first time, dictionary be damned) with Dinosaur Jr. for a full tour. While no one in the Dinosaur Jr. camp will confirm or deny this, they have announced the title and tracklist of the band's next LP, Beyond.

Fat Possum will release the record, which has plenty of J Mascis, Lou Barlow & Murph -- and zero DLR -- on May 1. The album, the band's eighth, was recorded by Mascis and engineer John Angello (Hold Steady, Oxford Collapse) at Mascis' home studio. This is the first Dinosaur Jr. record since 1988's Bug to feature the original Jayloumurph lineup. In addition the album, the group also has a Roth-less DVD coming out. The live DVD, which was directed by Phillip Virus, Mascis' brother-in-law, includes performances from a couple of the band's December '05 reunion shows and will hit stores May 8.

Enough with the boring LP/DVD talk; here are those precious Roth tour details. Our sources have also confirmed some changes are afoot, which might make some Dino-thusiasts very unhappy. Gone from the band are Lou & Murph, replaced by Mascis' brother on drums and his 15-year-old son on bass. Lou's familiar cardigan-shaped bass will be replaced with one that looks like a giant Capri-Sun pouch, to better suit the younger Mascis' interests. While none of this has yet been confirmed, you can't deny that Dinosaur Jr. loves a good reunion. No doubt, a full list of tourdates is forthcoming.

Beyond tracklist:

The Latest Craze: Remix Apostle of Hustle and Flow Yourself Prizes

How to do the Two-Card Hustle:

Two cards: one is normal, one is double-faced. Put double-faced card in your hand with odd side up (don’t flash the back). With the regular card in your other hand, show both sides of it, and turn it over and put underneath double-faced. Recite nonsense incantation* and remove top card and place behind your back, leaving the other (normal) card face down. Bring the double-face behind your back out with the matching side showing and then place it face up under the normal card in your hand (don’t show the odd side). Recite nonsense incantation* and turn the top card end to end. It will be the same as the card underneath it now. Put both cards in breast pocket and slide away with a doodie-eating grin on your face. Produce two "real" cards if questioned for inspection. Celebrate by spending any ill-gotten booty on some ill-gotten booty.

How to do the Latin Hustle:

The hustle is based around alternating sets of two quick and two slow steps. Four steps are done in three beats of music (the quick steps take a half beat, the slow ones a full beat). 1, 2, & 3 or 1, 2, 3 counting is acceptable. Alternate two forward steps and two backward steps. Start on the second backward step and call out: ball-change, walk, walk, ball-change. Put on any bargain bin disco or anything that has between 100-130 b.p.m. ("Men in Black" will do). Play the dance smooth (don’t hop!), act like the cock of the walk, flail arms, and work the attitude. If it’s too difficult or you look like Jimmy Fallon in that played-out Pepsi ad, light up bong and watch Saturday Night Live or Thank God It’s Friday instead.

We are not positive what sort of hustle main apostle Andrew Whiteman has chosen to carry out, but he cannot be the patron saint of hustling well-planned tours. If anything, he is akin to the apostle often referred to as St. Jude, the patron saint of desperate cases. Whereas most Canadians turn into snowbirds and fly south when it gets below -30 Celsius (with a wind chill that would freeze the nuts off a raft of penguins) the collective Apostle of Hustle is opting to stay in the frigid north playing residencies and one-offs instead of venturing to warmer climes.

If you live in Southern/Eastern Ontario, Canada, this one’s for you:

01.24.07 - Toronto, Ontario - The Rivoli #
01.27.07 - Kingston, Ontario - The Grad Club #
01.31.07 - Toronto, Ontario - The Rivoli $
02.02.07 - Hamilton, The Casbah
02.03.07 - Kingston, Ontario - The Grad Club %
02.07.07 - Toronto, Ontario - The Rivoli %
02.09.07 - Ottawa, Ontario - Winterlude 2007 +
02.10.07 - Kingston, The Grad Club ^
02.15.07 - Toronto, Ontario - The Rivoli ~

# w/Besnard Lakes

$ w/Alex Lukashevsky

% w/Wooley Leaves

+ "Indie Night" w/Amy Millan, Jason Collett & Young Galaxy

^ w/Chris Brown

~ w/Darkland & Lamplight

If you are particularly creative but are feeling left out of this rather localized northern Apostle of Hustle winter tour, don't fret. Click here and try your luck at remixing their new track "My Sword Hand's Anger." Your shitty remix won’t be included on the new album National Anthem of Nowhere (out February 6), but that shouldn't stop you from having fun and cranking one out. If your work is chosen by the esteemed Arts & Crafts judges, you will win goodies, including studio schwag (a Universal Audio PCI UAD-1 Flexi Pak), tickets to an upcoming Apostle show, and an autographed version of National... on vinyl. Deadline is February 15.

1. "My Sword Hand's Anger"
2. National Anthem of Nowhere
3. The Naked & Alone
4. Haul Away
5. Cheap Like Sebastien
6. ¡Rafaga!
7. Chances Are
8. A Rent Boy Goes Down
9. Fast Pony for Victor Jara
10. Justine, Beckoning
11. Jimmy Scott Is the Answer
12. NoNoNo

* You may want to try this magic chant: "I was entranced by Gwydion Tocle / turned my pubic region into cockle / seven waves of the sea / flourishing buds of the tree / sorrow turned my mind to pee / cards be mote it be!"

Peeping Tom to Tour, Hit Punching-Bag Balls Head-On

As much as I love Mike Patton, his Peeping Tom guise sends constant chills down my spine. You see, a neighbor of mine named Tom once walked in on my girlfriend and I having sex. And we’re not talking about a pull-the-blankets-over-before-he-really-sees- anything walk-in; we’re talking about a-male-friend-just-saw-my- tremendously-huge-balls-slapping-and- slopping-around-like-twin-punching-bags walk-in. And though I’m not quite sure about this, I’m pretty certain he didn’t immediately back off and close the door at the site of my pruned nutz. On top of that, I’m very protective of my ballz. If you want to see them in full flush you’d better be wearing rubber gloves and a surgeon’s mask (whether you’re a member of the medical profession isn’t important, just please have the courtesy to adorn yourself like one), a 110-pound Argentine hottie, or Sawyer from Lost. So you see, the coupling of these two words — for good reason — kinda creeps me out.

Additionally, I thought the Peeping Tom album was the worst thing General Patton had done since... well, ever. It was too guest-heavy and too much like his Lovage project but not as luv-worthy. In fact, why am I writing this damn news story anyway? I could be working on my klezmer-band project or drinking my neighbor’s hot-tub water...

But hey, when you’re a fan of Patton you support him to the death! Besides, he coaxed a hearty MOTHERFUCKER from Norah Jones for the Peeping Tom album. That’s GOT to count for something, don’t it? No? Well check out these tourdates anyways. HA, didn’t think ‘anyway’ worked as a plural, did you? FACE

Snuffaloffagus balls:

Illustration: Carolina Suarez