Defendant’s Attorney Fees Ordered To Be Paid By Capitol Records, RIAA Loses Lawsuit; See Also: David and Goliath (1 Samuel 17:1-58) [Abridged]

...
4 A champion named Capitol, who was from Hollywood, came out of the Philistine camp. He was over nine feet tall.
5 He had a bronze helmet on his head and wore a coat of scale armor of bronze weighing five thousand shekels,
6 on his legs he wore bronze greaves, and a bronze javelin was slung on his back.
7 His spear shaft was like a weaver's rod, and its iron point weighed six hundred shekels. His shield bearer, the RIAA, went ahead of him.

...
12 Now Amanda was the daughter of a woman named Debbie, who was from Bethlehem in Judah (or not).

...
17 Now Debbie said to her daughter Amanda, "Take this ephah of roasted grain and these ten loaves of bread to Limewire and downloadeth some Avril Lavigne.
20 Early in the morning Amanda left the flock with a shepherd, loaded up and set out, as Debbie had directed. She reached the camp as the army was going out to its battle positions, shouting the war cry and downloading tunes.
21 The file-sharer and Capitol Records were drawing up their lines facing each other.

...
50 So Amanda triumphed over the RIAA with a sling and a stone; without a sword in her hand she struck down the RIAA and killed him.
51 Amanda ran and stood over Capitol. She took hold of Capitol's sword and drew it from the scabbard. After she killed him, she cut off his head with the sword. When the RIAA saw that their hero was dead, they turned and ran.

As demonstrated in the Old Testament, a milestone for P2P-ers everywhere is upon us; a giant has fallen -- the RIAA has been ordered in a court of law to pay lawyer fees in its Capitol Records, Inc. vs. Debbie Foster and Amanda Foster case. On the strength of their counterclaims of declaratory judgment, the Fosters have been awarded $68,685.23, the only defendant ever awarded a sum against an RIAA member. The RIAA has since issued a statement, assuring its quivering masses that this was a judge's mistake and an "isolated occurrence" to never be relived. Only time will tell, but for now rejoice, Israelites, rejoice!

Mm..Shows? “Super!” Mm..Shoes? “Super!” Mm..Reissue? “Super!” MF Doom Is A MF-ing Busy MF-er

This summer, everyone's favorite Metal Face-d MC has prepared for his fans a three-course gourmet meal with all the fixings. Hope you're hungry, because by the time this is over, you'll have a lot on your plate.

Up first, right after the hors d'oeuvres and wine-tasting, is a succulent reissue of the rapper's 2004 album Mm..Food?, pan-seared and served tomorrow (July 24) alongside a bonus DVD of live and behind-the-scenes footage. This course was prepared by Rhymesayers Entertainment -- after almost two years of being out of circulation -- and will also be strictly offered as a seasonal dish in a limited-edition package that includes a tour poster, sticker, and, most notably, a scratch-n-sniff wrapper with the scent of chocolate.

Without even a week to digest the first of his offerings, Doom's spicing things up on his second course with an array of tourdates for those with a trans-continental palate starting July 19. As part of the Rock the Bells tour, MF Doom will be served char-broiled with a side of Wu-Tang Clan, Nas, UGK, Mos Def, and more. Delicious!

And as if your belt won't be feeling a little tight by then, dessert is still to come. For those of you with a sweet tooth, pastry chef Nike has you covered. A new pair of skateboarding high-tops designed by MF Doom himself are now available but sure as hell don't come cheap (talking about the shoes, not the labor). Expensive taste is expensive taste.

Well, I'm already stuffed just writing this story. Time to hit that Stairmaster.

Mm..Food? Tracklist:

Tourdates:
07.29.07 - New York, NY - Randall's Island (Rock the Bells)
08.08.07 - San Diego, CA - Canners
08.10.07 - Pomona, CA - Glasshouse
08.11.07 - San Bernardino, CA - Glen Helen Hyundai Pavilion (Rock the Bells)
08.12.07 - Los Angeles, CA - El Rey
08.15.07 - San Francisco, CA - Independent
08.16.07 - San Francisco, CA - Independent
08.18.07 - San Francisco, CA - McCovey Cove Parking Lot (Rock the Bells)
08.25.07 - Minneapolis, MN - Metrodome Parking Lot (Rock the Bells)
08.26.07 - Chicago, IL - Charter One Pavilion (Rock the Bells)
08.28.07 - Ann Arbor, MI - Blind Pig
08.29.07 - Detroit, MI - DTE Energy Music Center (Rock the Bells)

A friend of mine often says “Never can be too happy, never can be too sad.” I think he says it mostly to irritate me, because he knows full-well that many people (and me famously) can jump between sets of euphoric highs and heartbreaking lows in the span of a minute. These are particularly tough times for us extreme types. Whenever we are in an elated state for too long, some devastating horror story on the news flashes in front of our eyes or some devastating asshole cuts in front of us in line at Wendy’s and sends us plummeting down the sad ladder for a spell. Sigh. Sometimes the only thing you can do to keep inner peace is to completely block out the outside world and hermit for a bit while you take your daily dose of Dälek.

Emotional yo-yos throughout the world will rejoice when they hear that Newark, NJ hip-hop pioneers Dälek -- the hyper-dynamic duo of Dälek (MC) and Octopus (DJ) -- will be releasing their second album of 2007 tomorrow (July 24) entitled Deadverse Massive Vol. 1: Dälek Rarities 1999-2006 through Hydra Head. Following the release of the wonderful Abandoned Language (Ipecac) in February, the time is ripe for a Dälek compilation that contains a heap of remixes, rarities, and unreleased genre-defiling mindwarps. These types of collections are tough sells normally; too many of them are full of half-baked ideas resulting in half-assed albums. Thankfully, Dälek bake their ideas until they are done and give us whole-ass albums all of the time, forever reinventing themselves while always remaining unmistakably “Dälek.” It’s enough to make a grown man cry, or laugh hysterically, or scream, or sulk, or....

Here are the tracks on Deadverse Massive, complete with a crude ‘n’ confusing original release info legend you can cut out and keep in your wallet next to that four-year-old, unused condom. And the three-month-old soiled one. Congratulations on getting laid... now throw that shit out already!

1. Megaton (Deadverse Remix) *
2. Angst **
3. Ruin It, Ruin Them, Ruin Yourself, Then Ruin Me (Deadverse Remix) ***
4. Vague Recollection ****
5. Desolate Peasants *****
6. Rouge (Deadverse Remix) ******
7. 3:46 *******
8. In This City (Deadverse Remix) ********
9. Music for ASM *********
10. Streets All Amped **********
11. Ascention ***********
12. Maintain ************
13. Back to Burn *************

* from “Technoanimal vs. Dälek split 12” (Matador, 2000)

** previously unreleased (1999)

*** from Kid606 vs. Dälek split 12”/CD (Tigerbeat6, 2002)

**** from Kid606 vs. Dälek split 12”/CD (Tigerbeat6, 2002)

***** from Dälek vs. Velma split 12” (Namskeio, 2002)

****** from Dälek vs. Velma split 12” (Namskeio, 2002)

******* from Dälek vs. Dalek 7” (Man Vs. Ape, 2002)

******** from Enon’s In This City Remix EP (Touch & Go, 2003)

********* previously unreleased (2003)

********** from Streets All Amped 12” (Ad Noiseum, 2006)

*********** from Streets All Amped 12” (Ad Noiseum, 2006)

************ from Streets All Amped 12” (Ad Noiseum, 2006)

************* from Streets All Amped 12” (Ad Noiseum, 2006)

Harry Potter Has Huge Clientele, If You Know What I Mean

My more dedicated readers (looking at you, mom) may have noticed that I’ve been missing from the hallowed (OMG WAIT FOR IT!) pages from TMT this week. Well, I would apologize, but I’ve been reading every Harry Potter leak I can get my hands on. I’ve read the leak photographed on the red carpet, the leak photographed on the grey carpet, and the typed-out version of the leak photographed on the red carpet. Hell, I even read the 784 page fan-fiction. So now I present you, and I guess JK Rowlings legal team, the Official Tiny Mix Tapes Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows Spoilers Aggregate (® pending).

SPOILER ALERT! HIGHLIGHT TO READ!

SRSLY SPOILERS COMING UP!

LOTS OF THEM!

I’M NOT KIDDING! DON’T E-MAIL ME BEING ALL PISSY IF YOU READ THIS AND THE BOOK IS RUINED FOR YOU!

The Clientele is touring. Yeah, that was predictable and yet still a total letdown. Dates:

Disclaimer: I have never actually read a Harry Potter book, but I’m pretty sure it will turn out the Krum is Harry’s brother. You heard it here first.

Mr. Lif Tours, Wikipedia Continues to Kill Dreams, Steal Souls

Dear Reader, Baby, Sweetheart,

Here’s a tasty, dream-killin’, Wikipedia-provided truth: Everything comes full circle -- and Dave Matthews-listening, ice-luge-blistering, hot-wings-finger-licking-in-between-videogame-control-clicking dudes are omnipresent:

Mr. Lif’s pseudonym comes from a Phish song.

That he liked.

Seriously. A quick check of Wikipedia will kill your spirits.

Mr. Lif is hitting the open road for the hip-hop-you-don’t-stop Paid Dues Festival. He may or may not spark up a doobie with da’ boyz from Phish after the show.

You buy a Dutch Masters cigar and peel off the paper, I’ll roll us one... Oh, can that chick you’re bangin’ pick us up some Natty-light?:

Pinback Preps For Tour As I, Infirm With A Laid Up Left Mitt And Gorging On A 10-Day World Of Warcraft Trial, Engage In this Conversation With A Sexy Nightelf I Secretly Suspect To Be Pinback’s Rob Crow

PinBizRbCr: hi. do u wnt 2 cyb3r?

ShAzAmUrFaCe: thnx but I’m doin quests

PinBizRbCr: rofl.anywyas I”M MARRIED

ShAzAmUrFaCe: cool

PinBizRbCr: i’m in aband, u know

ShAzAmUrFaCe: who?

PinBizRbCr: ill g1ve you a clu. my cd dr0pz Sep 11

ShAzAmUrFaCe: um//

PinBizRbCr: k clu numbr 2, my webtsit rawks

ShAzAmUrFaCe: uh. i dunno. fallout boy?

PinBizRbCr bursts out in dance

ShAzAmUrFaCe: dood, dont rub your nightelf cooties on me

PinBizRbCr: I wll cut u. 8====D

You slap PinBizRbCr across the face. Ouch!

PinBizRbC has challenged you to a duel

ShAzAmUrFaCe: how bout a little kiss on my FIST

PinBizRbCr: oww

PinBizRbCr is dead

You receive: [indie street cred]

ShAzAmUrFaCe: pwnd

Count the Concrete Seconds to your tourdate of choice:

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