Dinosaur Jr Get Ganked Like A Week Ago; Get Bombarded With Emails From Fans Who Are, Like, Really Concerned They Won’t Have a Concert at Which to Show Off Their New Flannel

Dear Whoever is Currently Thrashing a '61 Fender Jazzmaster and Pretending to Be J Mascis:

Great job. No, seriously, I bet you've got a ticker-tape parade in the streets of Brooklyn in your honor. Ripping off Dinosaur Jr is really one of the most rock 'n' roll jobs you could have possibly done. Hell, maybe if you'd told them about it beforehand, they would have congratulated you on your disrespect for authority and actually given you all the gear they've lovingly collected over the years.

Except for the fact that Dinosaur Jr bear little resemblance to anything even closely related to the so-called "Man," and you don't actually know how to shred an axe. Just coke. With strings from a B.C. Rich Warlock bass. Wow, how could I have been so stupid!? Everyone knows razorblades are like, so 1978.

I take it all back. Upon further introspection, it's obvious that you really, really needed a trailer's worth of equipment from Dinosaur Jr. I know you just don't have the patience to wait for Shakira's upcoming set at Madison Square Garden. Besides, her gear is totally beat. You made the right choice.

Love & Mace

heidi vanderslice