Do Make Say Think Tour Europe in Order to Escape North America's Abundance of Child Molesters

By Emceegreg on

I don't blame Dateline NBC for deciding to feature Do Make Say Think in the 165th installment of To Catch a Predator. This is a series where NBC pays watchdog group Perverted Justice to track down online sexual predators, leading them into a trap featuring the castigatory Chris Hansen along with chips and salsa. Once the Canadian post-rock band Do Make Say Think began heating up the U.S. scene, Dateline NBC saw its moment to capitalize on their success. Chris Hansen was able to get the band to help "entrap" yet another damn pervert. Here is a sample of the episode, brought to you in "TEXT VISION."

Pervert rings door bell. Guitarist, trumpeter, and Do Make Say Think/Broken Social Scene member, Charlie Spearin, opens the door.

Charlie: Hey dude, I'm Charlie Spearin. Do you like my moustache? Come on in. I have to get the cookies out of the oven, if you know what I mean.

Pervert: Sweet man. I'll wait, baby.

Chris Hansen enters the room

Chris Hansen: Whoa, buddy! What are you doing? What are you thinking? Do you know what is happening? Do you watch TV? Do you know who I am? I'm Chris Hansen and this an investigative TV show called To Catch a Predator. Did you know that you are a predator? Are you excited about the upcoming sequel to Alien Vs. Predator?

Pervert: What? I just came here to talk and eat cookies, man. I don't know what this is about.

Chris Hansen: Oh. Well, is it true that your screen name is JimmyBuffetFan69?

Pervert: Yeah, so?

Chris Hansen: Bullshit! Do you remember this little conversation that you had?

DoMakeSayThinkRox: Do U like my band? Does it turn U on? Do U get off 2 our soft, jazzed-up rhythms?

JimmyBuffetFan69: Yeah, baby! That new album, You, You're a History in Rust, makes me want to touch myself. Oh yeah, I'm listening to it right now, lol. I saw you guys on your tour last year. That violinist is freakin? hawt! LMAO!

Dood, just send us some neked pix, mkay? And meet us at Chris Hansen's house on the upper West Side. L8ter sk8er~!

Pervert: Yeah, I said that. So?

Chris Hansen: Well, you're also a pervert. And no, you didn't do anything wrong. But you obviously like Jimmy Buffet. And that makes you a child molester. Eat shit man. You just got pwned!

Pervert: I swear that I just enjoy their music.

Chris Hansen: Well, enjoy it no more. They are going to tour Europe to get away from pervs like you. However, you are free to go. Just walk out that door right that marked, "Trap."

The pervert walks outside and is unnecessarily attacked by a cop, who jumps out of some bushes wearing a guerilla camouflage costume.

Think Last, Do First; European tourdates:

Monster Mash(up): The Polyphonic Spree Mix The Polyphonic Spree with… The Polyphonic Spree? Hey! Wait! Someone Catch That Bandwagon!

By Joseph Coscarelli on 05-03-2007

Joining the likes of Diplo, Girl Talk, Go Home Productions, and Danger Mouse, your favorite musical cult has attempted the white-hot process of combining varying musical passages into a beefed-up amalgamation. Usually executed by an eclectic, open-minded third party looking to bend genres, The Spree decided to cut out the middle man entirely and watched the tactic's originality and creativity shrivel in the process.

In a misguided attempt to offset the leak of the album's advanced copy (speculation), the band broke new ground in promotional material... at least semantically. Instead of the traditional album 'sampler,' the band has combined sections of all 11 tracks on their new record, The Fragile Army, into an eight-minute epic and they called it a mashup! The single track is designed to give the fans "a taste." I can hardly contain my salivation.

When will the music industry learn that harebrained promotional experimentation won't save the CD medium? Only quality content will.

But we'll give them an "A" for effort. The mix showcases the band's jovial, symphonic rock with choral harmonies like an acid-induced gospel choir and ends with a kind word from your sponsor. "See ya later! Hope you enjoyed it! Be sure to look out for The Fragile Army, the new album from The Polyphonic Spree coming early Summer 2007. We'll see you at a town near you. So long!" exclaims lead Spree Tim DeLaughter in his creepiest pederast imitation.

Luckily, if you're into the whole Kool-Aid and Nikes scene, you can catch the group's 24 members sans robes and in their new military garb (get it? Army!) performing live throughout the month of May:

Put All Your Eggs in Marnie Stern’s Basket and Then Watch Her Tour!!! (Oh Shit, Does That Headline Sound Dirty? I Was Just Trying to Riff on One of Her Song Titles and Then… That’s It, I Quit)

By Judy Berman on 05-02-2007

When you see slightly frail-looking Marnie Stern walk onstage with
nothing but an iPod and an electric guitar for accompaniment, you'll
probably doubt that such a skinny girl with no backing band can give
you that intense, eardrum-popping sound you've heard about. Well,
fear not, because the rumors are true. I hear that if you go to a
show and don't think the Marnster (new nickname alert?) can shred
better than your favorite guitarist, she'll give you your money
back... or maybe it's that she'll break your arm. I can't remember.
For some folks, both would be equally pleasurable, and I won't judge
you for preferring the latter. In case you were wondering why her
album is called In Advance of the Broken Arm (TMT Review),
that's the story. That's an exclusive, bitch. Tiny Mix Tapes:
telling stories, changing lives.

P.S. Right before Marnie Stern broke my arm at a show a few weeks ago,
she announced that she'd have a full band for her upcoming tour! I
didn't know whether to trust her, though, because she had that
murderous gleam in her eye...

Tourdates to pre-date your broken arm:

* Animal Collective

The Rebirth Of Tower Like My Gangsta Stroll

By C. Schell on 05-02-2007

Of all the ultra-mega music superstores, Tower Records always appeared to be the best. While the prices were positively mall-tastic, its selection was often as good as many mom & pop stores. Tower also had a lot of zines and books that most record stores wouldn't bother to carry. So, if you didn't have an awesome indie record store in your town but had a Tower, then you didn't really have it that bad. And while record store aficionados may have been a little bummed about Tower's passing last year, they surely weren't as "bummed" as all the indie labels and distributors that had product returned to them after Tower shuttered for good.

But now it seems that a rebirth may be in the works. In an auction last March, Caiman, Inc acquired the Tower logo, Tower.com, and all of the company's intellectual property for $4.2 million. The London-based company currently employs about 200 people, has offices in Montreal and Sacramento, and a warehouse in Miami. In a Billboard article, Caiman CEO Didier Pilon said that the company plans to relaunch Tower.com, as well as open physical superstores in New York, Los Angeles, and San Francisco within nine months. Pilon won't be without knowledgeable help, as he has hired former Tower purchasing executive George Scarlet as director of entertainment purchasing, along with Kevin Hawkins, a former buyer for Tower, to work on the project.

Even though Caiman usually uses one-stops and some independent distributors to stock music on its own Caiman.com site, it hopes to change over to buying direct from indie and major distributors and, in certain instances, direct from indie labels themselves for this new venture. Pilon went on in the piece to say that Tower.com, which is still operational and gets 40,000 unique hits a day, will relaunch with new technology, offering 275,000 CD and DVD titles, over a million books, and vinyl. Pilon hopes that all this will help Tower.com not only stand out from the pack, but become "the entertainment destination." If this endeavor is a success, it could provide indie labels and distro with some of the revenue they lost after Tower's initial demise.

Get Him Eat Him: Go Him See Him

By Nobodaddy on 05-02-2007

Fans of short, imperative sentences everywhere rejoice!

Sugary, spazz-pop rockers Get Him Eat Him are so hyper they might just win this year's award for "Most Mistakenly Japanese Band of the Year" (last year's award embarrassingly went to Deerhoof before it was revoked and given to rightful Ritalin-hiders The Fiery Furnaces).

Nope, despite all aural evidence to the contrary, this spastic and twitchy, unabashedly colorful, Energy-drink-addled quintet hails from the O.G. American city of Providence, Rhode Island. And this summer, these over-stimulated University Boys will be packing up all of their collapsible, travel-sized drum kits, cute vocoders, pictures of their moms, and ADD medication as they leave-behind the ol' Divine City for a five-week tour in support of their new album Arms Down, which is due June 5 via Absolutely Kosher Records.

Who wants to bet they bring their Nintendo Wii with them?

Get Tour, Eat Dates:

Canada Tour Everywhere But Canada

By Petya Romanov on 05-02-2007

My first reaction, being the Tiny Mix Tapes humorist that I am, was to make this article about the country Canada rather than the band. I would talk about the country coming down south to traipse all around the stars and bars displaying its musical fury. But then I thought to myself, “that is immature, Petya.”

And this thought, as they tend to do, led me to another thought, “Is there a barometer for immaturity?” To answer simply, yes. I mean, I’m in control here, so why not? The scale is going to work like this: 1-10; 1 being a complete moron and 10 being a PhD.

First up involves Manfred Mann’s song “Blinded by the Light.” Clearly, Manfred sings, “Revved up like a deuce.” Now, many people sing, “revved up like a douche,” and it is those people who rank around '5' on the immaturity scale. My next example comes from a slideshow I viewed in high school. We were flipping through pictures at a conference at some community college when a guy’s face showed up all melting to one side. He looked hilarious, I mean the whole left side of his face looked like it had gone numb and hung a little lower than it should. My buddy and I started laughing incredibly loud, and the MC of the slideshow informed us that this man had obviously suffered from a stroke. So, laughing at stroke victims is going to be about a '2.' I’d say '1,' but I’m not going to put myself that low on the scale. Making fun of kids that shop at Hot Topic is going to be a '7' because they partly deserve it, yet I know you wore Jeancos in middle school too. After that, it’s pretty much your call. Taking one bite out of every cupcake at Kelly’s birthday party is pretty funny, but some might rank that a '3,' while the same people would deem a mushroom stamp on passed-out Patrick’s forehead an '8.'

The main idea behind this article is to get you to think before you act. Next time you’re watching Blow and “Blinded by the Light” starts up, don’t say “douche.” Please.

Oh yeah, the tourdates! O Canada!

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