Dr. Dre Marketing His Own Line of Drinks, But I’m Not Old Enough To Write This Story

I need to confess something: I'm not old enough to write this story. If you read the headline, you know that Dr. Dre with Drinks Americas will be releasing some alcohol with his named slapped on it (which was also slapped on some headphones earlier this year). So, in an effort to do some TMT investigatory work, I decided to visit Drinks Americas' website. I was shocked at what I saw.

I don't know if you knew this, but If you were to find me on me on your favorite social networking site, you'd see that I'm only 19 years old. That's right, I'm not old enough to purchase alcoholic beverages without the assistance of my best friend's mom. (By the way, thanks Trish! Especially when you bought me that bottle of Absolut Raspberry in middle school, and I got alcohol poisoning.) So, you want to see what was so shocking when I visited the Drinks Americas website?

Yeah! I'm not 21, so how can I even write this story? Well, the truth is, I was forced to write the story by Mr "I'm a stupid idiot who dresses up as a robber and demands stories" P. Well I got news for you, Mr P: Fuck you, because the only substance of this story is this Dr. Dre quote, in which he tries to justify his branding by calling it a "challenge":

I’m always down for a new challenge. When Drinks Americas approached me about going into business with them, I knew there was a lot of competition out there but it was the same way when I started doing music. I’m going to put the best product out there, because that’s what I do.

There, story done. I dare you to assign me another, P.

Wire Set to Release New Full-Length in 2008, Tour in Support of Maxim Review

Remember when we were kids? Neither do I! But I do remember a band called Wire, and -- thanks to a tip from TMT reader Jonathan (who for all we know could be Jonathan Richman!) -- it seems the band is "well advanced in recording and mixing its 11th (as yet untitled) album, due for release later this year," according to Wire's official website.

The album will be Wire's first full-length since 2003's Send and over 30 years since Pink Flag. Obviously, no one's heard the new record yet since it's not finished, but luckily someone at Maxim already reviewed it! Check it out:

Wire • Untitled New Album

The Black Crowes Wire already sounded like grizzled classic rockers on their 1990 debut. While it certainly was a neat trick for a bunch of twenty-somethings to pull off, it hasn't left Chris Robinson Colin Newman and the gang much room for growth. Now that they're legitimately grizzled, they sound pretty much like they always have: boozy, competent, and in slavish debt to the Stones, the Allmans, and the Faces. --D.P.

Wire are also set to announce tourdates, their first shows since 2004. The tour, according to another post on their website, "will include European festivals during the summer season and a trip to North America in the autumn."

And all this because Jonathan wrote in and said "dudes wire is touring the us and europe this year and releasing a new album!" Can you feel the love?

Announced dates so far:

Growth of Internet Radio Listenership Linked to Pre-Pubescent Boy

Recent analysis of the internet has revealed that internet radio's usual complement of five listeners (presumably all residents of Sealand) was supplemented by the addition of Jonathan Trevor, a 12-year-old boy from St. Louis. When asked why he chose to tune in to the internet rather than his usual terrestrial station, 105.7 The Point, Trevor cited "totally lame song selection" and "poor reception in the basement."

While he enjoyed the internet radio station, he also said he would likely "only listen to internet radio again if he had to," complaining that the sound quality "sucked on my weak-ass DSL." Jonathan's decision to listen last week increased listenership about 26%, according to FMQB.

This appears to be good news for internet radio stations such as indie favorite WOXY.com, who have been battling potentially crushing royalty rate increases that threaten to drive them out of the business.

The bad news, however, is that "AOL's Shoutcast took the biggest share of online listenership in 2007, with 48.8 percent of total listening hours, followed by Clear Channel Online, Yahoo! Music, AOL Radio Networks and Pandora." Not that corporate control of the internet is bad, right?

Universal Music Screws Dozens of Musicians, Doesn’t Stick Around for Breakfast

Man, what's with those ungrateful jazz musicians? It's like you give ‘em one lousy Grammy, and they start making all KINDS of outrageous demands!

"Listen to our records!" "Pay us the money you owe us contractually!" Sheeeesh, get a life, am I right?

Last week, more than a dozen of these finicky recording artists, including the estates of jazz legends Count Basie and Benny Goodman (whoever they are, right?), sued Universal Music, saying they had been "cheated out of more than $6 million in royalties since 1998." I mean, can you believe the arrogance?

Many of these "artists" (and I use the term loosely!) foolishly signed to labels that were later wisely and graciously bought by the sage-like Universal, and they had the gall to sue the world's largest music label for such trivialities as "breach of contract" and "breach of fiduciary duty," according to the lawsuit filed in New York State Court.

Universal, which is owned by the French company Vivendi, denied the allegations in a magnanimous statement while also making sure to stress the ease with which they will crush these ungrateful musical nobodies. "We believe that these claims are baseless, and we are confident that we will prevail in court," the company said.

The lawsuit alleges that Universal, which is required to submit at least biannual reports of sales and earnings for each artist, provided false information throughout the accounting period of May 1999 through February 2007.

According to this paper-thin suit, Universal has "systematically underpaid royalties" since 1998. These money grubbing scoundrels also allege that Universal failed to provide all of the records needed to calculate the losses... but don’t you believe this pack of liars, good people!

"Despite a relationship based on trust and manifold contractual obligations, and despite the fact that defendants realized an overwhelming windfall to both its finances and reputation as a result of this relationship, [Universal has] ‘utterly failed' to meet their obligations," the lawsuit continues. It then goes on to accuse little old Universal of engaging in "pervasive and systematic acts of using false statements" to conceal the complete earnings of the artists.

Other artists included in the lawsuit, (a.k.a. "scam"), either individually or through their estates, were Les Brown, Richard Hayman, Dick Hyman, Woody Herman, Kitty Kallen, Frankie Laine, Tony Martin, John Mills, Jerry Murad, Patti Page, Sister Rosetta Tharpe, and Sarah Vaughn.

Et tu, Sarah Vaughn?

Stay strong, Universal Music. TMT knows you didn't do it! Viva big business!!!

Whoever coined the advertising wet-dream “often imitated never duplicated” must still be royally profiting from his well-chosen words. In commercial terms, that cornball quip never gets stale, whether it is in reference to the latest Subway sub, the latest software package, or the latest self-glossing celebutante. If we use the term to describe the Primavera Sound Festival, it fits nicely. Where else can you sun your buns, drink stomach-pumping quantities of sangria, and witness acts like Animal Collective, Portishead (playing twice), Dinosaur Jr., Cat Power, Mission of Burma, AND Public Enemy performing It Takes a Nation of Millions To Hold Us Back? Nowhere but Primavera, being held May 29-31, 2008 at the Parc del Fòrum in Barcelona (I haven’t checked out the lineup for Spain’s other gigantic gathering Benicassim yet, but if I am proven to be fibbing here, I will endure the standard TMT reader’s penance: the weeklong rectal lodging of 12 Keebler “Chips Deluxe” cookies.).

Here is the list of artistas confirmados which includes a number of “fucking” bands (Fuck Buttons, Holy Fuck, Rufus Fucking Wainwright), a bunch of Marys (The Mary Onettes, Mary Weiss, Mary Malkmus & The Jicks), and, representing both the young bucks and aging carcasses, all sorts of domestic and foreign of buffalo, caribou, dinosaur, cat, and vampire species:

808 State, A Place To Bury Strangers, Alan Braxe, Animal Collective, Apparat Band, DJ Assault, Atlas Sound, Autolux, Awesome Color, Bill Callahan, Bishop Allen, Bob Mould Band, Bon Iver, Boris, British Sea Power, Buffalo Tom, Caribou, Cat Power, Clipse, The Cribs, De La Soul, Deerhunter, Digital Mystikz, Dinosaur Jr., Dirty Projectors, Dr. Octagon (Kool Keith + Kutmasta Kurt), Edan & MC Dagha, El Guincho, Ellen Allien, Enon, Eric's Trip, Fanfarlo, The Felice Brothers, Fuck Buttons, DJ Funk, Gentle Music Men, The Go! Team, Grande-Marlaska, Health, Holy Fuck, Holly Golightly & The Brokeoffs, It's Not Not, Kavinsky, Kinski, Les Savy Fav, Lightspeed Champion, Madee, Man Man, The Mary Onettes, Mary Weiss, The Marzipan Man, Menomena, Messer Chups, Midnight Juggernauts, Mission Of Burma, Mixmaster Mike, Model 500, MV & EE with The Golden Road, Nick Lowe, No Age, The Notwist, Okkervil River, OM, Para One, Pissed Jeans, Polvo, Port O'Brien, Portishead, Prinzhorn Dance School, Public Enemy, Robert Hood, Rufus Wainwright, The Rumble Strips, Scout Niblett, Sebadoh, Shipping News, Silver Jews, Simian Mobile Disco, Six Organs Of Admittance, Stephen Malkmus & The Jicks, The Strange Death Of Liberal England, Subterranean Kids, Supermayer, Surkin, The Swell Season, Tachenko, Tarántula, Throbbing Gristle, Tiefschwarz, Times New Viking, Tindersticks, Träd Gräs och Stenar, Vampire Weekend, Vórtice, Voxtrot, White Williams, Why?, Young Marble Giants