The very first tattoo I ever got was that of a Trans Am on my back. This thing was huge. I got home, took off my shirt, and showed it to my mom. Her name was under it in old English lettering, "La Chaguis." She hated it and kicked me out of her home. That Trans Am tattoo was the best thing to happen to me, aside from birth control (and TMT, of course).

Speaking of abortions, schizometric synthpop band Trans Am will be going on tour. After a one-off show later this year and a couple in February, this righteous trio will embark on a U.S. tour next April, in support of some sort of album, because that's what bands do. The last album put out was Liberation in 2004, but I'm positive they will be possibly and probably be playing new music. They have to have some surprises up their sleeves — maybe a Rumsfeld piñata, maybe smoothies for everyone. If you plan to join in on the fun, I have set up driving directions to each venue if that suits your fancy. Trannies, my work here is done:

12.30.06 – San Francisco, CA – Mezzanine
02.24.07 – New York, NY – Knitting Factory * early show
02.24.07 - New York, NY – Knitting Factory *# late show
04.11.07 – Charlottesville, VA. - Satellite Ballroom ^%
04.12.07 – Chapel Hill, NC - Local 506 ^%
04.13.07 – Atlanta, GA - The Earl^%
04.15.07 – Birmingham, AL - Bottletree^%
04.16.07 – H Town (Houston), TX - Engine Room^%
04.16.07 – Austin, TX - Emo’s Jr.^%
04.18.07 – Tucson, AZ - Club Congress^
04.19.07 – San Diego, CA - Casbah^&
04.20.07 – Los Angeles, CA - Troubador^&
04.22.07 - Portland, OR - Doug Fir Lounge^&
04.23.07 - Seattle, WA - Neumos^&
04.24.07 - Vancouver, BC - Richards on Richards^&
04.27.07 - Minneapolis, MN - Triple Rock Club^%
04.28.07 - Chicago, IL - Empty Bottle^%
04.29.07 - Detroit, MI - Magic Stick^%
04.30.07 - Toronto, ON - Lee's Palace^%
05.01.07 - Montreal, PQ - La Sala Rossa^%
05.02.07 - Boston, MA - Great Scott^%
05.04.07 - Philadelphia, PA - Johnny Brenda's^%

* with Oneida
# with Pterodactyl
^ with Zombi
% with Psychic Paramount
& with Black Taj

Bob Dylan on Billy Joel’s Broadway Crossover Success: “What Does He Have That I Don’t Have?”

Yes, I am incapable of ever moving beyond unnecessary poop jokes. And when I think of Green Day, it brings me back to fourth grade, where I first heard both the word "dookie" and the album Dookie. It wasn't long after that both Green Day and I became somewhat grown up. Billie Joe Armstrong & The Butt Puppets are still making the same kind of music that gained them the precarious title of "The Fathers of Punk," while I am still laughing at the word "dookie." It appears nothing has changed.

On December 19, Reprise will be reissuing the first two Green Day albums just in time for you to wet your Fall Out Boy panties before good ol' Saint Nick pile drives down the brick anus to deliver that Mary Kay eyeliner you put atop your wishlist. The 1991 album 1,039/Smoothed Out Slappy Hours and the 1992 album Kerplunk! will be the historical context for the "Rise of Punk" for today's anarchist youth culture.

1,039 was already reissued a couple years ago and Kerplunk! was supposed to be too, until Lookout! fucked up everything. But when a major label reissues albums, that is when I start dishing out the cash. Reprise is packing 1,039/Smoothed Out Slappy Hours full of the same extra content found on the 2004 Lookout! reissue, including show flyers, nearly 20 minutes of live performances from 1990 to 1991, Billie Joe Armstrong's handwritten lyrics, and a 1991 radio interview.

It is also wise of me to inform you that Green Day is "hard" at work on their follow up to American Idiot, and their collaboration with U2, "The Saints Are Coming," was No. 27 on last week's Billboard Modern Rock chart. Green Day have a song with U2? Man, I am way out of the loop. I feel ashamed. Maybe I'm not the one who should feel ashamed, which brings me to my weekly clip of P. Diddy urinating, as it ties in with this Green Day story in no way whatsoever.

Irrelevant Clip of P. Diddy Pissing

Next week (or maybe later this week, we'll see), I will write a story about The Decemberists along with an unnecessary follow-up video of P. Diddy taking a "dookie." Oh, man!

Bob Dylan on Billy Joel’s Broadway Crossover Success: “What Does He Have That I Don’t Have?”

Attention, Broadway!

On the recent failure of the Bob Dylan Broadway Musical, which will close on November 19 after only 28 performances: Are you really and truly THAT shocked? Here's a hint: The words "Bob Dylan" and "Broadway Musical" should never ever ever be in the same sentence! These times they are a-changin' indeed, but as far I'm concerned, this smacks of the apocalypse.

STOP IT. Cease! Desist! It's enough that you decided to ruin a perfectly good Adam Sandler movie by beating the dead horse that is 1980s nostalgia, and though Billy Joel is a little more up your alley, I PROMISE that as a Long Island punk teenager, Billy was NOT doing ballet at the drive-in! I will say without a shred of doubt that John Lennon rolled in his grave at the atrocity that was Lennon, which failed because the "rock opera" is dead. Go listen to the Hair soundtrack if you're feeling nostalgic. Oh, and I can't even describe the shades of red I turned when I flipped through the latest issue of Vanity Fair and discovered that fucking High Fidelity is being subjected to Broadwayization. I absolutely, positively guarantee that Rob would have rather listened to 80 straight hours of Latin, Bulgarian, whatever fucking world music was trendy that week, than the soundtrack to RENT.

Pretty embarassing when you line it all up like that, isn't it?

Stop trying to turn theater geeks into rock stars, leave Bob Dylan alone, and do the unthinkable: write a new show. You can't let Wicked carry you forever.

Google Buys World A Coke, Then Buys World (You’ll Love This Story Because We Talk About Clear Channel)

The Economist recently wrote of Google's acquisition of popular video site YouTube: "This week's pairing of Google and YouTube may come to be remembered as the moment 'Web 2.0' came of age." Web 2.0 is a catchy phrase that describes the emergence of things like RSS, dynamic webpages, community-driven content, and web-based applications. The phrase, which has been criticized as a buzzword, does have some merit. It refers to the second generation of the Internet (which you are on!) after the wonderful dot-com bust.

The article makes reference to the AOL-Time Warner merger that "came to symbolize that era's excesses"; now, Google has emerged as the latest company to expand its grasp on tech communications. Google has been snatching up small companies for web-based applications and new search technologies, but the YouTube buy-out was a big step. Now, according to FMQB.com, experts are hinting that the search czar (tsar) could be purchasing a minority stake in Clear Channel.

Clear Channel "has been surrounded by talks of a potential buyout," and some market analysts feel Google could be in the market for a part of the historically well-liked radio giant. Google, apparently, is looking to expand into the local advertising business, and radio would indeed do that. Google wouldn't need to buy much of a stake, as little as 5%, to maintain an interest locally, according to FMQB.

Of course, these are just rumors. Google may never purchase a piece of Clear Channel, or it might. Who knows? I suppose we could Google (search) it, but I'm assured by the company that its servers would implode. Even if nothing happens, it is very interesting to see the power of Google. The friendly giant is becoming an enormous threat to Microsoft, and Yahoo! is rushing to compete. Many industry analysts have commented that Google is all over the place, creating too many new areas for it to dangle its feet in, often to compete with (or irritate) Microsoft. But now, with its purchase of YouTube, as The Economist suggests, "Google [being] prepared to buy, rather than build, market leadership marks a big strategic change." This only seems more telling in a growing effort for Google to expand into a much larger arena, even with rumors of interest in Clear Channel.

Jason Molina Tours World, Inspires Frank Miller to Write Fan Fiction

Attention Youth Pastors and Fellowship Leaders, we here at Team Peaches have an exciting offer for you, a way to really honor Christ in a fun way. Peaches, the Christian-rock mainstay (think Petra, only better) would like to invite you and your groups to a just-announced cross-country tour to promote her latest CD Impeach My Bush (XL). The album is quite obviously (by the title) a horticultural-based Christian allegory. To help spread the message, and get Christ deep inside of as many people as possible, Peaches has chosen to not play in churches this time, but the last dens of sin: rock 'n' roll clubs. A wise man once called music "the new pornography." So why not take it right to those sinners and help Peaches show them that Jesus is the biggest rock star (and he does rock) that you will ever know? Know in you heart, that is. Make sure to bring your Bibles and Tracts to the show. We’ll be having some Bible study and be witnessing to evil sinners and members of other religions after the show. Hope you can all attend. Go in peace (Jesus peace, not Hippie peace) to love and serve the Lord. Amen.

11.24.06 - New York, NY - Irving Plaza
11.25.06 - Philadelphia, PA - Trocadero Theater
11.26.06 - Washington, DC - 9:30 Club
11.27.06 - Charlottesville, VA - Satellite Ballroom
11.28.06 - Atlanta, GA - Variety Playhouse
11.30.06 - Fort Worth, TX - Ridglea Theater
12.01.06 - Austin, TX - FunFunFun Music Festival - Waterloo Park
12.02.06 - New Orleans, LA - House Of Blues New Orleans
12.03.06 - Tallahassee, FL - Beta Bar
12.04.06 - Orlando, FL - Club at Firestone
12.06.06 - Miami, FL - Art Basel, Miami Beach
12.06.06 - Miami, FL - Ivy Room - Small Room (DJ set, late show)
12.07.06 - Mexico City, DF - Edificio Nafinsa
12.09.06 - Monterrey, N.L. - Mcmullen
12.10.06 - Tijuana, BC - El Foro
12.13.06 - Los Angeles, CA - Avalon
12.14.06 - Los Angeles, CA - Avalon
12.15.06 - Sacramento, CA - Empire
12.16.06 - San Francisco, CA - Fillmore

Jason Molina Tours World, Inspires Frank Miller to Write Fan Fiction

When Dylan hit the pavement, I knew it was over. My muscles went slack. Knew the kid for 13 years, and I never seen a look in his eyes like that. A look like skulls. A look like a prophecy. I picked him up, shot him a grin that'd make a baby cry. He didn't say a word, didn't even flinch when the lights hit him in the gut.

Shit. How did we get here. For some reason, I thought of Jason Molina. Molina was a good kid. Always knew what we should've, but never realized 'til it was too damn late. You could see it in his eyes. A flicker in those beautiful blues, like the spark from a long-dead lighter. We were outside Jimmy's when I first saw him. Took a long drag of his cigarette, smoothed out his shirt like he was some kind of angel. Heh. As if angels would waste their time in a town like this. I leaned over, smooth as the smoke forming that halo over her head, picked a twig out of his hair, and I knew he was mine. On the way home, he grabbed my arm real tight like I suspected. I think I'm a decent driver, but some people might disagree. You see, I have a thing with road construction. I don't slow.

Molina had an idea when we got back. Kids like him always got ideas. Should have known better than to trust a kid with twigs in their hair. I know better now. We all do. God knows Dylan does, poor kid. Maybe Molina knew all along. Living life so fast, someone's bound to take a mouthful of gravel eventually. But what else can you do in a stuffy town like this? Pray? Heh. Shooting down the road, hot metal blazing, bank tellers wetting their pants - here was Heaven. And if I did it over again, I'd do the same thing. Molina had a plan, and we followed. When Dylan hit the pavement, I knew it was over. The cop threw his shotgun down, and I swear Molina had a glint in his eyes like he knew something. Something cold.

At Dylan's funeral, I thought long and hard. Real hard. How long was I going to live like this? How many more dead friends would it take 'til I found what I was looking for? Did I really think this would bring salvation? Heh. Thought maybe now I'd learn my lesson. Maybe now I'd call it a day. Yeah, maybe. But somehow even then I knew better than that. Molina shot me a glance from his pew like a bullet. It was time to get rich again. Or at least richer.

Ain't got no time for tears:

11.11.06 - Wellington, New Zealand - Bar Bodega
11.12.06 - Auckland City, New Zealand - Schooner Tavern
11.14.06 - Brisbane, Australia - The Troubadour
11.15.06 - Sydney, Australia - The Hopetoun
11.16.06 - Sydney, Australia - The Hopetoun
11.18.06 - Hobart, Australia - The Venue
11.19.06 - Melbourne, Australia - Northcote Social Club
11.21.06 - Adelaide, Australia - Grace Emily Hotel
11.22.06 - Perth, Australia - The Rosemount
12.02.06 - Asheville, NC - Harvest Records
12.03.06 - Columbia, SC - Acme Comics and Records
12.04.06 - Athens, GA - Flicker Bar
12.05.06 - Atlanta, GA - 11:11 Teahouse
12.06.06 - Birmingham, AL - Bottletree
12.09.06 - Halifax, Nova Scotia - St. Matthew's United Church ^
02.01.07 - Groningen, Netherlands - Vera
02.02.07 - Amsterdam, Netherlands - Paradiso
02.03.07 - Bristol, United Kingdom - Cinema Cube
02.04.07 - Manchester, United Kingdom - Green Room Theater
02.05.07 - London, United Kingdom - Luminarie
02.06.07 - Brussels, Belgium - AB
02.08.07 - Karlsruhe, Germany - Jubez
02.09.07 - Geislingen, Germany - Ratschenmuhle
02.10.07 - Hannover, Germany - Glocksee
02.11.07 - Ottersum, Netherlands - Roepaen
02.13.07 - Arhus, Denmark - Voxhall
02.14.07 - Lund, Sweden - Mejeriet
02.15.07 - Stockholm, Sweden - Debaser
02.16.07 - Oslo, Norway - John Dee
02.17.07 - Trondheim, Norway - Klubben atb Stunentersamfundet
02.18.07 - Goteborg, Sweden - Pusterviksbaren
02.19.07 - Hamburg, Germany - Uebel & Gefaehrlich
02.23.07 - Athens, Greece - Planet Music

^ w/ Julie Doiron and Ghost Bees