Tourdate Conversion Example: Quintron Tours

Nobody on the road. No one's even on the beach. And the fucking Eagles signed a goddamned deal with Wal-Mart. I knock on your door. I know nobody's home. Your gramma calls it Wally World. But, damn girl. I can still see your brown skin shining in the sun. You had those sunglasses on. Shit. Goddamned hair combed straight fucking back. Remember when Dylan signed that one deal with Starbucks? Public Enemy with Best Buy? Sounds like an industry trend. Take note. I can't tell you I'll still be in love with you, though, after those dudes are gone. What does that even mean? Corporate goat fuck. Is that a fucking Dead Head sticker on a Cadillac? God's miserable teeth! This isn't even an Eagle’s song! Corporate goat fuck. Industry trend! Shining in the sun!

The Fall To Release New Album And Two Books; TMT Scores Exclusive Fake Excerpt

Mark E. Smith's prolificacy through the years has been simply bananas, no? (And I'm not just talking about PEEL Sessions!!!) With all the excitement and controversy still bubbling from their most recent tour, The Fall have decided to release a new album in early 2007, entitled Reformation. No tracklist or details about the content yet, but it's rumored that Ben Folds will play piano on none of the tracks.

Also planned are two Fall-related books; the first is the autobiographical Renegade: The Gospel According To Mark E. Smith, which may have actual spittle-and-beer stains on select pages, while the second is Perverted By Language: Fiction Inspired By The Fall, which is a collection of fiction inspired by The Fall. Though the latter book won't be out until June 28, TMT has acquired a fake advance copy and is pleased to offer a short excerpt:

The Man Whose Head Expanded

It was a dark and stormy night. E. G. Cunningham pulled into his driveway at 9:30 PM, much like any other night. He removed his keys from the ignition and dropped them into his suit pocket, much like any other night. In fact, everything that happened to Mr. Cunningham on that dark and stormy night was precisely the same as any other night of his life. Precisely the same, that is, except for one sinister difference. On that particular dark and stormy night, E. G. Cunningham had a horrible secret of the most jaw-dropping magnitude.

Cunningham exited his vehicle and opened the front door to greet his beautiful wife, but something suddenly gave him pause. E. G. Cunningham could not get through the front door. Luckily, his wife was not only beautiful but pragmatic, and in minutes a solution was reached: Cunningham would enter through the side window. Dinner was already set on the table as he stepped into the dining room, and his wife trembled as she ladled fresh soup into his bowl. Before the spoon was even brought to his lips, Cunningham's cranium had suddenly expanded to the size of a baby rhinoceros.

"Why... why is this happening to me?" he wailed. "What have I done to deserve such treatment?"

"You sad, sad man," his wife whispered into his ear, an ear now the size of an adult rhinoceros. "Did you really believe I'd never find out about your child pornography ring?"

"No... no, I can explain, honey!" he shrieked. "Honey no... put that safety pin down... you can't do this to me. You can't do this to E.G. Cunningham!" And with that, he became the man whose head... exploded. All over the walls. His funeral was a simple affair attended by few, and in weeks his wife was married to Mark E. Smith, who meats her.

Universal Music Is Now U.S.-Approved to Buy BMG Publishing Unit, Also Supports Slave Labor, Troops

Surprise, surprise: Vivendi's Universal Music has received U.S. antitrust approval to acquire BMG Music Publishing, in an estimated $2.09 billion deal. (Shit, that's a lot of Egg McMuffins.) What does this mean? It means that Universal could potentially own 22% of the publishing market, which would essentially combine (1) the world's third largest music publisher and largest independent music publisher with (2) the world's fourth largest publishing company that already owns and administers more than 1 million copyrights. (Try to guess which one's which!) This would create the world's largest publishing company, just beating out EMI.

But, don't worry, you optimistic mealworm! Because here comes IMPALA, the pan-European independent labels/publishers group that successfully overturned the EC's approval of the Sony BMG merger!! Can IMPALA come to the rescue and provide some valuable input to the EU's investigation!? Will IMPALA be able to convince the inhabitants of Earth that a merger could lead to "prejudice in terms of collecting societies, online licensing, synchronisation markets, and the restrictive impact on songwriters and artists"!? The IMPALA members are currently in consultation with each other and we should hear back soon. C'mon, they've gotta prove the U.S. wrong! They've just gotta.


The World Has One Less Mazarin To Kick Around

So, it goes like this. Mazarin, the psychedelic rock band from Philadelphia that has toured with The Walkmen, Rogue Wave, and more over the last 10 years or so, were given a cease-and-desist letter from some '70s rock never was-ers, also called Mazarin, who claim to be the "Rock and Roll Legends of Long Island." According to the band's web site, they didn't want to fight the "L.I. Legends" and have decided to give up the name.

After December 2, the band that released Watch It Happen (1996), Tall-Tale Story Line (2001), and We're Already There (2005) will no longer be called Mazarin. They are not breaking up exactly, as they state later on the site, "Quentin Stoltzfus (and every contributing member to have ever played in Mazarin) is still making music with every intention of making it available to you, in time!" Since Stoltzfus wrote all the songs and has pretty much been the only constant in the band, all and all, the name seems fairly inconsequential.

Their last "Mazarin" show will be in Philadelphia, on December 2. The band will be taking e-mail requests, through their site, for what songs they should play during the show. Please, drunk-asshole-who-will-scream-all-night-for-them-to-play-"Chasing The Girl," save everyone the discomfort and just put it in an e-mail or two, or one-hundred, whatever it takes. As one final consolation, the band has put up their last "Mazarin" song, "Your Advice" on their MySpace page as a free download.

Final tourdate:

12.02.06 - Philadelphia, PA - Johnny Brenda’s *

* w/ Public Record and Beat Jams

The World Has One Less Mazarin To Kick Around

My sophomore year of college, I lived across the street from a fraternity house. No, it wasn't this pack of bigots, though I'm embarrassed to say that it was at the same institution. Anyway, like most frat guys, they were really into drinking beer shirtless on their front porch, with music blaring and barbecues blazing. Hey, whatever floats your boat, right? Well, no. Not when your boat is pumping Jimmy Buffet loud enough for all of Baltimore hear. Saturday after Saturday, my roommates and I were jolted awake by the pseudo-calypso strains of "Margaritaville," "Cheeseburger in Paradise," and all the other food-and-drink-themed classics. And when they got tired of that? "Sweet Home Alabama."

While I'm free associating, I might as well let you know that Jimmy Buffet has decided to sue some dude for copyright infringement. Apparently that dude, named Robert Akard, owns a site called Under One Hut, where you can buy all types of latter-day frat guy accoutrements, from crisp, khaki shorts to beach-themed home accessories. Listen, don't barf yet — it gets better. So the dude's web site is selling some Jimmy Buffet merch, apparently without permission from the Buffmeister. Interested? Well, for $16, this little beauty can be yours.

This kind of makes me nervous that Jimmy Buffet is going to sue TMT for adapting his lyrics to last month's news story. That would be really sad, because then Mr P would be totally penniless and have to go live in a box. Whoa, that's depressing. Please, Jimmy Buffet, for the love of all things tequila-infused, have a heart! Don't take away Mr. P's home!!!

Clear Channel: SOLD

Great news loyal TMT readers! Your Clear Channel stock has already risen 5% since this morning, after the lovable and huggable Clear Channel announced an agreement to be acquired by a private investor group for $18.7 billion (approx. $26.7 billion plus an assumed $8 billion debt). The Clear Channel board of shareholders unanimously approved the merger agreement, and a special advisory committee of disinterested directors unanimously deemed the transaction to be fair, which means shareholders like you will receive $36.70 per share! Not bad for doing nothing at all.

So why is Clear Channel doing this? Let's see what it had to say in its SEC (Security and Exchange Commission) regulatory filing:

"The Board believes that these decisions are in the best interest of our shareholders. As you know, our Company outperforms the competition in every business in which we operate, but the public market has not appropriately valued our performance. The consortium has agreed to pay $37.60 per share to acquire the company, which is 25 percent greater than our average closing share price of $29.99 during the 30 trading days ended October 24, 2006, the day before the company first acknowledged that it was evaluating strategic alternatives."
Clear Channel can still solicit competing bids from third parties (like us or Stylus) through December 7 and negotiate until January 5. Otherwise, the more than 1,100 radio stations and all those billboard and bus-stop ads will be acquired by Thomas H. Lee Partners, L.P. and Bain Capital Partners, LLC.

Current Clear Channel management, including the infamous Mays family, will continue to work for the company. And don't forget about their spin-off company Live Nation!

The $18.7 billion deal was in cash, so if you saw a couple suited douchebags shaking hands in front of a truck full of discreet suitcases, you totally missed your chance to congratulate them on a job well done and thank them for all those radio stations and advertisements.