The Early Day Catches The… Miners Tour? Nah, That Didn’t Quite Work

Shh. Do you hear that? Shh! Under that tree stump over there! I think it's... Yes! It is! It's the distinctive call of a fully-grown Early Day Miner! Oh, my. I don't think he's seen us. He's sticking his little head out... Be very quiet; he's easily scared and will hide at the first sign of danger.

He's... Yes, I do believe that he's coming over! Have you got some food with you? Nuts or chocolate? Let him feed out of your hand. No sudden movements. Trust, that's the main thing with a Early Day Miner. If you gain his trust, you may even be able to coax him on a full-blown tour!

I do believe it's done the trick! Look at the little fella, whittling a crude guitar-like instrument out of a beech twig with his front teeth. Soon, he'll scamper off... there he goes!... and find a nice, warm, dark venue where he'll perform his traditional mating call. If you're very, very quiet, he might just let you listen. Wouldn't that be a treat?

Weasel Walter Jazz Quartet Comes Alive!

All featuring combos of Weasel Walter (drums) with Damon Smith (bass), Henry Kaiser (guitar), Marshall Allen (alto), Elliott Levin (tenor), John Gruntfest (reed), Jon Raskin (reed), David Slusser (reed), Phillip Greenlief (reed), Jennifer Hicks (movement), Mary Halvorson (guitar), Marco Eneidi (alto), Marc Edwards (drums), Lisle Ellis (bass), and Elliott Levin (tenor).

He’s Making A List and Checking It Twice; Low Begins Tour After Receiving Coal For Christmas

Ho, ho, ho! Yes, that's right, boys and girls, Santa was in a nasty mood this year and was caught giving out coal to all the artists signed to any independent music label beginning with the letter "S". While the folks over at Secretly Canadian were happy with their newfound energy-creating resource, the poor souls over at Sub Pop weren't so lucky. Word on the street is that Low were so distraught they wrote a slow song about it. Oh, that Santa! Turning the world on its head, I tell you!

The mighty trio, currently consisting of Alan Sparhawk, Mimi Parker, and new bassist Matt Livingston, have decided to turn their Christmas Crisis into a Christmas Opportunity. The group, set to release their new LP, Drums and Guns, in March, are heading out on a little romp around the globe.

The dates include a short stint at this year's Dirty Three-curated All Tomorrow's Parties in Somerset, UK, which, for those of you keeping track, will be happening at the same time as Coachella 2007 in Indio, CA.

Low Tourdates Here (sorry readers, I was running out of time)

Here's a list of all the artists you will not be seeing at Coachella 2007, because you will be happily attending ATP 2007 instead:

Nick Cave / Grinderman / The Dirty Three / Low / Papa M / The Drones / Faun Fables / Brokeback / Tara Jane O'Neil / Magnolia Electric Company / A Silver Mt. Zion / Devastations / Felix Lajko / Bill Callahan (Smog) / Josh Pearson / Mick Harvey / Shannon Wright / Conway Savage / Cat Power / Spiritualized / Mum Smokes / Small Knives / Joanna Newsom / Yann Tiersen / White Magic / Psarandonis / Ian Wadley / Art of Fighting / Afrirampo / Youpi Youpi Yeah / Alan Vega (Suicide) / Roscoe Mitchell

By the way, Santa Claus gave me a gigantic pile of coal for telling you that. Sorry, St. Nick.

Dave Longstreth Realizes the Importance of Being The Dirty Projectors; Tours, Too

Dave Longstreth: You really love me, North America?

North America: Passionately!

DL: Darling! You don't know how happy you've made me.

NA: My own Dirty Projectors!

DL: But you don't really mean to say that you couldn't love me if my name wasn't The Dirty Projectors?

NA: But your name is The Dirty Projectors.

DL: Yes, I know it is. But supposing it was something else? Do you mean to say you couldn't love me then?

NA: [Glibly.] Ah! that is clearly a metaphysical speculation and like most metaphysical speculations has very little to do with the actual facts of life, as we know them.

DL: Personally, darling, to speak quite candidly, I don't much care about the name of The Dirty Projectors... I don't think the name suits me at all.

NA: It suits you perfectly. It is a divine name. It has a music of its own. It produces vibrations.

DL: Well, really, North America, I must say that I think there are lots of other much nicer names. I think Dave, for instance, is a charming name.

NA: Dave?... No, there is very little music in the name Dave, if any at all, indeed. It does not thrill. It produces absolutely no vibrations... I have known several Daves, and they all, without exception, were more than usually plain. Besides, Dave is a notorious domesticity for David! And I pity any woman who is married to a man called David. She would probably never be allowed to know the entrancing pleasure of a single moment's solitude. The only really safe name is The Dirty Projectors.

DL: North America, I must get christened at once -- I mean we must get married at once. There is no time to be lost.

The Dirty Projectors will marry North America at all of the following:

News Flash! John Lennon Was A Leftist Anti-War Liberal! Oh, Wait…

By now, I'm pretty used to reading about dumb moves by the U.S. government, but this one made me spit out my coffee. Apparently, the FBI has until recently declined to release documents containing details about John Lennon's leftist ties and activities, for fear that they would spark "military retaliation against the United States." Shit, girl! I'm thinking these "details" gotta be pretty juicy, dig? Sorry to disappoint, but it goes more like this: apparently, John Lennon committed such heinous and shocking acts as being interested in helping finance a left-wing book shop and reading room in London. Lennon never even forked the money over, but the very IDEA that he would was enough to send the FBI into a tizzy.

But wait, there's more! Another document describes an interview Lennon gave to an underground newspaper, noting that "Lennon emphasized his proletarian background and his sympathy with the oppressed and underprivileged people of Britain and the world." Clearly, John Lennon was a damn commie pig and a danger to the welfare of fine upstanding capitalists everywhere! For real.

In actuality, the FBI's reason for squirreling away these documents is shrouded in mystery, shall we say. Says the rather hi-larious Mark Rosenbaum of the American Civil Liberties Union, "The ultimate lesson of these documents is that the head of document classification for the FBI must be Stephen Colbert."

Click here to read the Super Top Secret Files rumored to bring on Tony Blair's game face.

Akron/Family Change Name To Akron@Family To Cultivate New, Forward-Looking, Connected Image; Tour

Akron/Family are touring. They're touring! Touring! Touring!

Oh, yeah! Yeah! Touring! TOOOUUUUUUUUURRRRRRIIIIING! In support of their new album (album album album!!!) Meek Warrior (TMT Review)! Oh yeah! TOOOOOUUUUUUUURRRRIIING!

Ah-whoooaaaaaah, Akron/Family are touring! YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAH! Touring. Touring.

Touring. Touring! Touring! Touring! TOURING!

They're gonna play on the following daaaaaaay-hey-hey-heytes:

Photo: Deborah Samantha

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