EMI Licenses Lyrics for Clothing, Buys Nuclear Plants, Prepares Sun-Blocking Machine

Music industry types have always been notoriously stupid, by and large. But luckily for them, they’ve always found themselves one rung higher on the ladder of evolutionary common sense than one particularly sordid group of cranially-crippled bottom feeders: consumers with disposable income. Yes, it’s sad but true; it’s zombies like these who have allowed such past pointless capitalistic mutations as the salad spinner, the robot vacuum, and Nickelback to somehow cram themselves into an already bloated marketplace and thrive there, surviving only on a diet of poor self-esteem and allocated Denny’s tips.

So it should come as no surprise that the struggling music publishers at EMI music have burned the mid-afternoon oil and come up with a new and devious way to extract another few pennies out of the value of the ol’ music/lyrics music copyright: turning lyric sheets into fashion statements. Sadly, EMI Music Publishing is merely the latest to embrace the growing trend of, well, squeezing blood from proverbial turnips, having inked a deal with the British grocery store Sainsbury's "Tu Clothing" line that will involve printing various juicy lyrics from some of the publishing house's 1.3 million-song catalog on the latest fashions for men, women, and, uggh, children. This time around, songs such as “My Girl,” “ABC,” “(Theme From) The Monkees,” “Wild Thing,” and “Dancing in the Street” are set to be featured. Man, I can’t wait to pick up those “When it’s cold outside, I’ve got the month of May” legwarmers and “you make everything groovy” boxer shorts for Christmas presents this year.

Jonathan Channon, executive vice president for EMI, couldn't resist a bit of assholistc punnery during his statment: "Classic songs are part of the fabric of everybody's lives, and we’re delighted that people will now be able to wear their favorite songs through this deal." I mean, yeah, I’d be delighted too if I could get paid a second time for something I already own, wouldn’t you? Just think of all of the time that’d afford you to, say, think-up hammy media one-liners. In defense against naysaying pundits like me, EMI Publishing's lyrics division was quick to point out that previous initiatives have already seen its lyrics licensed for board games, posters, and greeting cards -- part of an apparent push by publishers in general to find new ways to avoid having to look for “real” work these days. After all, what other skills could they possibly have?

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