End of the Road Festival Announces Lineup; Those Who Like Watching the Likes of Yo La Tengo, Super Furry Animals, and Midlake from a Burning Porta-Potty Whilst Eating $10 Barf Burgers, You’re Gonna Be Disappointed!

H.L. Mencken -- who was blessed with a spectacular wit normally reserved to burn bureaucrats, religious zealots, politicos, censors, altruists, etc. -- was a mad genius wordsmith and, as The Christian Science Monitor claims, “had a zing that bloggers can’t touch.” We’ll ignore the professed view that bloggers have any sort of zing, because the quote is still bang on the mark. His least famous line is “There are those that Scooby Do, and those that Scooby Don’t.” Forget that the old brain was dead and buried a good decade before the Scooby Doo cartoon character first appeared. And never mind that the quote was first said while walking home from a three-week bender, to a lamppost. Okay, it was me who coined the phrase, but it is still a good line! Mencken-good in fact! Festivals have started to Scooby Do more often than Scooby Don’t, as organizers are going to great lengths to stage a friends-and-family, community atmosphere at turnouts normally as welcoming as “Bartertown” in Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome.

Taking the example and success set by much-celebrated “smaller” festivals such as the Green Man Festival as a starting point, the End of the Road Festival team have created a celebration that fits in with the modern festival aesthetic: a mass gathering with a cozy, intimate feel. Included this year are film nights, comedy and open mic stages, and workshop and children’s areas featuring a ton of activities to keep your children, and your workshops, happy while you bake your minds watching the talent up on the stage. The End of the Road Festival takes place September 14-16 at the Larmer Tree Gardens in Dorset, England.

Here is the lineup so far: Alessi, Archie Bronson Outfit, Architecture in Helsinki, The Bees, Brakes, The Broken Family Band, Charlie Parr, The Congregation, CW Stoneking, Dan Sartain, Darren Hayman, David Thomas Broughton, David Vandervelde, Devastations, Euros Childs, Findlay Brown, Herman Dune, Howe Gelb, Hush the Many, Hyacinth House, Indigo Moss, James Yorkston, Jeffrey Lewis, Jim White, Johnny Flynn, Josh T. Pearson, King Creosote, Liz Green, Malcolm Middleton, Micah P. Hinson, Midlake, Misty’s Big Adventure, Monkey Swallows the Universe, My Brightest Diamond, Paris Motel, Pete and the Pirates, Port O’ Brien, Post War Years, Reigns, Richard Swift, Seasick Steve, Slow Club, Sons of Noel and Adrian, Stephanie Dosen, Sunny Day Sets Fire, Super Furry Animals, Telegrams, The Twilight Sad, Viking Moses, Woodpigeon, Yo La Tengo, and Young Republic.

What If There Really Was A Band Of Horses On Tour?(?!)

Seriously, wouldn't that be trippy and all whacked out? Wouldn't that be totally frenetic, or something? Can you imagine? Imagine just standing around, okay, waiting for this band to come out that all your friends have been ravin' about -- you're just standing there at Sugar's Nightclub, feelin' the atmosphere, checking your watch, and then the band comes out, but here's the thing: they're all horses. Not dressed up like horses with brown felt on their heads, but real horses with thick tails flopping around and swatting at flies.

And at first you're like, come on, you're like, this cannot seriously be the band, and you even start to turn around and raise your right eyebrow to the guy next to you, as if to say, get a load of this, and he shrugs his shoulders, like, give 'em a chance, and then you raise your other eyebrow to match the first, as if to say, are you putting me on, but then you turn around and at that very moment the lead singer, who may very possibly be named Whinny, launches into the first song, using his powerful back legs to wail on the guitar. Are you imagining this? And still you're apprehensive, you're like okay they can play but are they a band, because this really, in a way, blows away all the ideas you had about what constitutes a band, and even what the limits of music are. But after a while, you start feelin' the groove and you look back at the guy you raised your eyebrows to before and he's feelin' the groove, so all in all you have a pretty good time at this weird concert that you went to by yourself without reading up on the bands that would be playing and ended up seeing horses play a rhythmically tight set and also swat flies on their muscled rears in between songs. That would be really off the wall.

Well, have a good night.

* The Decemberists

^ Modest Mouse

You Have Been Cordially Invited to Attend The Debut of Kevin Drew

To officially launch the start of the new social season, Arts & Crafts will be holding a debutantes ball on September 18 to commensurate Colonel Reginald Drew's coming-of-age son, Kevin Drew. The debs ball will celebrate young Drew's eligibility to be married into the highest circles of the broken socialite scene. As you may remember, last year's debut of Aziz Ansari caused major rifts amongst the indie nobility for his failure to the adhere to the standard attire of dinner-jacket/bow-tie, resulting in his expulsion from the upper echelon of hipster aristocracy and his fall from grace into the crass world of MTV. Let's hope that Drew does not repeat this Faulkneresque episode and is able to retain his position of prestige as an outstanding member of polite society.

The debut of Kevin Drew will also mark the first of presumably many Broken Social Scene Presents... releases. Arts & Crafts has hired the Lafayette Dixieland Band to soundtrack the evening's festivities with selections from Drew's upcoming album, Spirit if....

Drew claims that he has been working on the soundtrack to his coming-out for the past two years, at times being tempted to release various tracks on Broken Social Scene albums or on other BSS solo projects; however, he found his bandmates' projects to be far to pedestrian for his work. Despite this obvious attack on the virtues and social graces of the other broken socialites, bandmate Leslie Feist has lent her talents to the project in hopes of establishing herself as the premier southern bell of the new season.

The September 18 debut of Drew and his first solo album controversially falls one week before the coming out of Vivien Leigh IV, who in response to this social faux-pas is undergoing a smear campaign to discredit Drew's social status by spreading rumors that his album was produced in part by low-culture icons Ohad Benchetrit and Charles Spearin of the tactless rock band, Do Make Say Think.

“What the World/ Needs Now/ Is Vibrators Shaped Like Gorillaz/ Sweet Vibrators Shaped Like Gorillaz”

O Richard Buckner, vast big-hand explorer of men’s souls, troubadour of the half-sentence, vague malaise-meister of bawling baritone balladry, traveling growl of a flannel clad man, palms the size of eagle wings and fingers thick as redwoods. Where is your Laundromat romance, transient blogger of drive-thru travails and motel misdeeds? Who folds your socks and creases your pant legs, solitary peddler of desperation? The slim chance second chance? Pencil sketches of our American truths, wrapped in greasy sandwich paper and munched by lake with a bottle of wine? The Impasse of communication in crisis, the Dents and Shells of faded valentine hearts, the Meadow of iridescent TV dinners. Hard scoop ice cream stacked too tall, inevitably toppling to the sticky tile floor.

All hail the tired tickler of those steel-stringed serenades. No road like open road:

“What the World/ Needs Now/ Is Vibrators Shaped Like Gorillaz/ Sweet Vibrators Shaped Like Gorillaz”

Just in time for a belated Father’s Day gift, Gorillaz co-creator Jamie Hewlett is designing a set of vibrators shaped like his most beloved creations (take that, Jet Girl) as part of a partnership with classy sex toy company JimmyJane, There will be six different designs, priced at $275 each. If just one vibrator shaped like a singing, dancing cartoon character isn’t enough for your insatiable appetite, all six will be available as a lot for the low, low price of $1,650. In case anyone has yet to click on the JimmyJane link, they also deal in “sexy blindfolds,” “luxury vibrators,” and “sexy gifts for her.”

If anyone reading this is considering purchasing one of these, please e-mail me. I have a few important questions regarding one’s ability to attain a lifestyle where they are able to afford sinking around $300 into something that will wind up anywhere near your pleasure regions. I am serious. This is not a pejorative “you are wasting your money” thing. I want sex toys shaped like bands I don’t even like that much. I want the American dream. I want to live like you.

A brief list of Gorillaz song titles that apply to this:

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