Even Patrick Ewing Will Be Attending Mastodon’s Upcoming Tour

For most people, Mastodon's sound conjures up images of flaming antlers and blood-soaked, prognosticating trees. When I hear Mastodon, I think of Scottie Pippen and Toni Kukoc lining up for three-pointers. There's admittedly little basketball imagery in Mastodon's lyrics, but every time I've listened to Blood Mountain, I've just so happened to be playing NBA Jam: Tournament Edition on Super Nintendo at the same time. Each pounding guitar line forms a vivid image of swirling, flaming dunks from half-court care of Mookie Blaylock. Each piecing metal freakout brings me back to the time Dennis Rodman stole the ball at the last second and brought the game into overtime with an amazing underhand toss.

All I'm saying is, Mastodon is versatile music. Sure, I had some tracks off Leviathan on my "goat sacrifice, etc." playlist, but there was a time I was afraid to transfer them over to "jock jams." Gather your friends, your enemies, and your dwindling hoop skills, because Mastodon is coming to town next year.

Metal can be for anyone and everyone... even B.J. Armstrong:

01.26.07 - Ft. Lauderdale, FL - Culture Room
01.27.07 - Lake Buena Vista, FL - House of Blues
01.28.07 - St. Petersburg, FL - Jannus Landing
01.30.07 - Tallahassee, FL - Beta Bar
02.01.07 - Knoxville, TN - Blue Cats
02.03.07 - Sauget, IL - Pop's
02.05.07 - Minneapolis, MN - First Avenue
02.07.07 - Grand Rapids, MI - The Orbit Room
02.09.07 - Pittsburg, PA - Rex Theater
02.10.07 - Sayreville, NJ - Starland Ballroom
02.11.07 - Providence, RI - Lupo's
02.13.07 - Allentown, PA - Crocodile Rock
02.14.07 - Rochester, NY - Water Street Music Hall
02.15.07 - Clifon Park, NY - Northern Lights
02.16.07 - New Haven, CT - Toad's Place
02.17.07 - Washington, DC - 9.30 Club

all dates with Converge and Priestess

Of Montreal Tour, Decline to Travel in an Outback Steakhouse Tour Bus

On my 19th birthday, I was introduced to both Of Montreal and the Williamsburg section of Brooklyn, neither of which evoked much hipster irony at the time. I gazed upward at the 6th Street American Apparel, dazzled by its primary colors. I longed for a Red Stripe. I was oblivious.

Three hours later, I was completely head over heels for David Barnes in all his androgynous, sparkly hippie glory, and Satanic Panic in the Attic didn't leave my car stereo for months. Drugs? Fuck that. Give me "My British Tour Diary" and a clear spot on the dance floor.

Of course, I fell off the couch in horror when I heard the strains of "Wraith Pinned to the Mist (And Other Games)" in an OUTBACK FREAKING STEAKHOUSE COMMERCIAL (clearly, I'm still not over that one), and I consider Sunlandic Twins to be stripped-down and inferior when lined up with the rest of their catalog, but! As long as you can avoid idiot cokeheads in the crowd who utter such genius statements as "The music! It's in your hair!" (I only wish I was kidding) and deal with clubs bigger than Brooklyn's North Six, there's no reason you shouldn't find yourself at one of these shows in a non-steakhouse near you.

Of Montreal tour #849:

01.19.07 - Memphis, TN - Hitone *
01.20.07 - New Orleans, LA - Republic *
01.21.07 - San Antonio, TX - White Rabbit *
01.22.07 - Lubbock, TX - Jake's Backroom
01.23.07 - Albuquerque, NM - Launchpad *
01.24.07 - Tempe, AZ - The Clubhouse %
01.25.07 - Park City, UT - Music on Main at Sundance
01.26.07 - Los Angeles, CA - El Rey #
01.27.07 - Los Angeles, CA - Avalon #
01.28.07 - Los Angeles, CA - Troubadour #
01.30.07 - San Diego, CA - SOMA #
01.31.07 - Santa Cruz, CA - The Attic #
02.01.07 - San Francisco, CA - Bottom of the Hill #
02.02.07 - San Francisco, CA - Great American Music Hall #
02.03.07 - San Francisco, CA - Great American Music Hall #
02.05.07 - Arcata, CA - Kate Buchanan Hall at Humboldt State University #
02.06.07 - Portland, OR - Wonder Ballroom #
02.07.07 - Vancouver, BC - Richards
02.09.07 - Seattle, WA - Showbox #
02.10.07 - Eugene, OR - W.O.W. Hall #
02.12.07 - Sacramento, CA - Union Ballroom at Sacramento State #
02.13.07 - Las Vegas, NV - TBA
02.14.07 - Tucson, AZ - Rialto #

(deep breath)

02.16.07 - Austin, TX - Emo's @
02.17.07 - Houston, TX - Numbers @
02.18.07 - Dallas, TX - Gypsy Ballroom @
02.19.07 - Norman, OK - Meacham Auditorium @
02.20.07 - Lawrence, KS - Granada @
02.21.07 - Columbia, MO - Blue Note @
02.22.07 - St Louis, MO - Mississippi Nights @
02.23.07 - Birmingham, AL - Bottletree @
02.24.07 - Atlanta, GA - Variety Playhouse @
03.05.07 - Carrboro, NC - Cat's Cradle $
03.06.07 - Fall's Church, VA - State Theatre $
03.07.07 - Clinton, NY - The Annex at Hamilton College $
03.08.07 - Philadelphia, PA - Trocadero $
03.09.07 - New York, NY - Irving Plaza $
03.10.07 - New York, NY - Irving Plaza $
03.11.07 - Boston, MA - Avalon +
03.12.07 - Montreal, QC - La Tulipe +
03.13.07 - Toronto, ON - Opera House +
03.14.07 - Detroit, MI - Magic Stick +
03.15.07 - Chicago, IL - Cabaret Metro +
03.16.07 - Minneapolis, MN - First Avenue
03.17.07 - Milwaukee, WI - Pabst Theatre
03.19.07 - Cleveland, OH - Beachland Ballroom
03.20.07 - Newport, KY - Southgate house
03.21.07 - Nashville, TN - Mercy Lounge
03.22.07 - Asheville, NC - Grey Eagle
03.23.07 - Columbia, SC - Headliners
03.29.07 - Gainesville, FL - Abbey Road
03.30.07 - Miami, FL - Studio A
03.31.07 - Orlando, FL - The Club at Firestone
04.01.07 - Jacksonville, FL - Freebird Live
04.02.07 - Tallahassee, FL - The Moon

* with A Hawk And A Hacksaw
% with Peachcake
# with Enon
@ with Elekibass
$ with Grand Buffet & Mixel Pixel
+ with Grand Buffet

I AM THE AVALANCHE Admit to Mass Poultry Slaughter, Tour without The Stills

I AM THE AVALANCHE... oops, sorry. Caps-lock was on. Anyway, I AM THE AVAL... what the fuck? I AM THE AVALANCHE. Seriously, what's going on here? Oh, oh, oh... I get it... their name is in caps... Well, fuck that noise! Time to boycott this fucking band!! Come on, let's chant loud and proud: BOY-COTT! BOY-COTT! BOY-COTT!!

Anyway, the boycott's over, and I'm here to tell you that I AM THE AVALANCHE are going on tour starting yesterday (I would've sent the story in earlier, but Mr P decided to take an extended break to work on his racial slurs). The group released an eponymous album in late September via Drive-Thru Records. But you knew that because you're a hardcore fan. Right?

11.28.06 - Barrie, Ontario - Foundation #
11.29.06 - London, Ontario - Salt Lounge #
11.30.06 - Ottawa, Ontario - Capitol Music Hall #
12.01.06 - Montreal, Quebec - Le National #
12.02.06 - Toronto, Ontario - The Phoenix #
12.03.06 - Samia, Ontario - Industry Theater #
12.06.06 - Minneapolis, MN - First Avenue $
12.07.06 - Lawrence, KS - Granada Theatre $
12.08.06 - Denver, CO - Ogden Theatre $
12.09.06 - Salt Lake City, UT - In The Venue $
12.10.06 - Boise, ID - The Big Easy $
12.12.06 - Seattle, WA - The Showbox $
12.13.06 - Portland, OR - The Roseland Theatre $
12.14.06 - San Francisco, CA - The Fillmore $
12.15.06 - Los Angeles, CA - House of Blues $
12.16.06 - San Diego, CA - Soma $
12.17.06 - Las Vegas, NV - The Joint $
12.19.06 - Anaheim, CA - House of Blues $
12.20.06 - Anaheim, CA - House of Blues $
12.21.06 - Tempe, AZ - Marquee Theatre $

# with Silverstein, A Wilhelm Scream, The Sleeping
$ with Senses Fail, Saosin, Bleeding Through

In unrelated news, The Stills begin their U.S. tour today. But you knew that because you're a hardcore fan. Right?

11.27.06 - Boston, MA - Paradise
11.28.06 - Philadelphia, PA - World Cafe
11.29.06 - Washington, DC - 9:30 Club
12.01.06 - New York, NY - Bowery Ballroom
12.02.06 - New York, NY - Bowery Ballroom
12.05.06 - Atlanta, GA - The Loft
12.06.06 - St. Petersburg, FL - State Theater
12.08.06 - Miami, FL - Studio A
12.09.06 - Fort Lauderdale, FL - Culture Room
12.10.06 - Orlando, FL - The Club at Firestone
12.11.06 - Jacksonville, FL - Jack Rabbits
12.12.06 - Asheville, NC - The Orange Peel
12.14.06 - Boston, MA - Paradise

Art collecting used to be a rich person's game but now it is an obesely rich person's obsession. The activity in this normally-neglected area of news lately has been 2 fast, 2 furious to ignore. In our relentless pursuit to broaden and sculpt the minds of our readers and to jump on the latest trend (we totally missed out on Texas Hold-'em), TMT is taking the time today to delve into the cool chasm of art collecting and its equally exciting world of international wheeling and dealing.

How to sell a painting:

At the beginning of November, David Geffen — hot-shot talent-spotter, music mega-king, film and Broadway producer, original Gerber baby, etc. — reportedly sold a painting, No. 5, 1948 by master splatter-and-drip artist and master drunkard Jackson Pollock, for an estimated $140 million, thus making it the largest amount paid for a single painting... ever! (see, it is exciting... you can tell that because I've typed the word "ever" in italics and I also used an exclamation point). To most of us paying that sort of cash for a painting would be on par with dropping $10.00+ at Amazon for this, but to each his own, I guess. The days of poaching Sub Pop's biggest and brightest may be in his past, but it's a small worry for Geffen, who not only made the grand gain on the Pollock, but also snagged $143.5 million the previous week for selling works by Jasper Johns and Willem de Kooning.

First reported by The New York Times, the $140 million single sale by Geffen to Mexican financier David Martinez is a new record for a single sale, outdistancing the previously held mark of $135 million that make-up man Ronald Lauder paid for Gustav Klimt's Portrait of Adele Bloch-Bauer I in June of this year. While many are hinting this sudden offloading of art by Geffen is in preparation for his bid to purchase The Los Angeles Times or perhaps to free up money for more philanthropic endeavors, we prefer to think he's got the special powers to predict upturns in the art market, not unlike Miss Cleo. Regardless, when it comes to buying low and selling high and getting deals done, the man knows his ass from his elbow. Unlike...

How not to sell a painting:

In October, Steve Wynn — casino-owning monster, Vegas resuscitator, and our choice for the next Inspector Clouseau — was set to unload Le Rêve, a Picasso that he bought for $48.4 million, to friend Steven Cohen for $139 million. While most reports tell the incident in a rather non-chalant, "no big deal" manner, we prefer to believe something happened more along the lines of a bizarre Rube Goldberg scenario. An unidentified fake witness told us what really went down.

Apparently "one of the hired help" (rich people do NOT have accidents) was quietly cleaning up a spilled glass of Krug Clos du Mesnil champagne and he "must have" let his broom fall, which happened to brush against the erotic zone of an exotic Tanzanian pink pet chimp who immediately popped a boner, got frazzled, and jumped into a $50,000 Ferrari Testarossa junior go-kart and drove throughout the room. After knocking down columns holding such boy toys as gem-encrusted Mr. and Mrs. Potato Heads and Swarovski crystal-studded Pez dispensers, Chimpy finally ended his joyride by crashing through the french doors of living room #23 and straight into the pairing of life-size replicas of Batman (in Lego and Beluga caviar) and Robby the Robot (in bright white gold) that Wynn had wedged together in a 69 "for shits and giggles." Meanwhile, the commotion caused private school javelin star Jordan Alphonse Carrington III to flinch and "accidentally" put his hand onto debutante Keely Wentworth's newly enhanced left tit prompting her to squeal and stamp her foot down right onto the toe of Lady Bracknell's Manola Blahnik's alligator high heel. Lady B, who hadn't seen such a scene since the Foresters served salmon at a Tuesday luncheon (a faux-pas of monumental proportions among certain aristocratic folk), fainted and fell onto the levitating hover scooter that Wynn uses to hide Easter eggs every April. The scooter, whirly-birding because of the weight imbalance, started gyrating on the floor, scattering layers of fine pine everywhere. Fearing a splinter might drop into his glass of old-flecked mineral water, Wynn took a step back and put a small tear in the Picasso canvas with his elbow, thus nixing the Picasso transfer.

Of course we wouldn't go out of our way to poke fun at anyone who suffers from eye disease retinitis pigmentosa (as Wynn does), but if Wynn knew his ass from his elbow, there would probably not be a 2" rip in his wall covering. There may be a quarter-buttcheek concave dent though...

The moral to any of this? Um, never let Steve Wynn near any of your valuables? Yeah, that will do.

New Pornographers to Tour, But Probably Not Anywhere Near Where You Live Unless You’re Paul Hogan or Something; Lazy Writers Forced to Revert to Previous Australia Stock Joke Following Steve Irwin’s Death

The New Pornographers are to tour Australia next month amid huge protests, after successfully waging their war of terror across the entire North American continent.

"Tests have shown this new pornography to be up to 50% hornier than traditional pornography, and as much as 65% steamier," Helen Coonan, Minister for Communications, Information Technology and the Arts, said. "We Australians are a simple folk with traditional values - we have no desire to see this in our country." Several family-values groups have already begun to campaign against the tour, imploring Australian citizens to think of the children. "BAN THIS SICK FILTH," ran Tuesday's headline in The Daily Telegraph.

The New Pornographers, including Dan "The Man Juice" Bejar, Neko "Dicks A-Plenty" Case, and "Long" John Collins once reduced an entire Midwestern town to a wild orgy of psychotic fappery after a recent show, which according to eyewitnesses, involved "towering spooge cannons," "knee-high waders covered in barbed wire," and "a goat."

The band is also playing one date in Spain and two dates in Japan in January. Tiny Mix Tapes advises exercising extreme caution and plenty of lubricant:

12.02.06 - Barcelona, SP - CCIB (w/ Teenage Fanclub, The Wrens, The Rapture)
12.08.06 - Melbourne, AUS - Meredith Music Festival
12.11.06 - Sydney, AUS - Factory
12.12.06 - Adelaide, AUS - Governor Hindmarsh
12.13.06 - Melbourne, AUS - Prince of Wales
12.14.06 - Melbourne, AUS - Prince of Wales
12.15.06 - Sydney, AUS - Gaelic Club
12.16.06 - Brisbane, AUS - Alfred?s Block Party
01.18.07 - Osaka, JAP - Club Quatro
01.19,07 - Tokyo, JAP - Shibuya O-East

Malkmus and the Jicks Whore Their Balls Too

Hot on the heels of the recent news of The Decemberists' slightly underhanded and sordid tactics to keep themselves in the media spotlight, Stephen Malkmus (formerly of Pavement – duh) and his band of Jicks have also announced 2007 dates. Now, in their former guise, this would have meant an almighty task for the Jicks, as they were a mere four in number, meaning an almost inconceivable workload of 500 dates apiece. However, according to recent reports, the Jicks are being bolstered by Janet Weiss, formerly of Quasi and Sleater-Kinney, thus giving the already-overworked permanent Jicks some small relief from the undoubtedly ambitious schedule ahead of the band.

These dates will focus on the West Coast before finally ending at a large festival in "America's Wang." That's what we Britishers like to call Florida, folks!

01.05.07 - San Francisco, CA - Bimbo's
01.09.07 - Tucson, AZ - Plush
01.10.07 - Tempe, AZ - Marquee Theatre
01.11.07 - Flagstaff, AZ - Orpheum Theatre
01.14.07 - Sacramento, CA - Harlow's
01.17.07 - Bellingham, WA - Nightlight
01.18.07 - Vancouver, British Columbia - Richard's on Richards
03.09.07 - Sunrise, FL - Langerado Music Festival