The Fabulous Grand Buffet Tour

All you can eat, $7.50. Of course the roast beef is always lathered with a rippling brown emulsion, and while the mashed potatoes are good and lumpy, they hold together about as well as the nervously glued biscuits in the back. But it’s getting late, and by 10:30, the green beans have their own evolutionary survival mechanism -- their caked-on buttery sheath slides off the serving spoon like oil off the tarmac. Cups of coffee swirl with murky sediment creating continents of filmy white bubbles, while those who are left await patiently for Grand Buffet to unveil its specialty dish, King Vision. To the side, the salad turns unnoticed.

For dessert, self-serve your own ice cream, dip in the chocolate gravel pit of sprinkles, then it’s Flamin’ Hot Cheetos... nah make ‘em Xxtra Flamin’ Hot. The spicy flavor nudges your nerve receptors just right, and a flood of endorphins come piling through the levies of your neural pathways, before the cerebrum comes to and you realize the bag is empty, your party of four is halfway to the movie theatre, and the fingers on your hand have morphed into a hunk of powdery red goo.

But if you want a plate at Grand Buffet, you gotta get in line. Starts on the left:

$ Of Montreal & MGMT

# early show

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